Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Fred and I got on the subject of my interpretation of my looks last night. Do not ask me how but we can just start talking about the most random topics ever.
I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I am ugly. I have a bulbous nose. And of course a fat face. But I hated my looks back in high school when I was thin. I was not given the kind of feedback that I guess I needed as a young child to realize that maybe I am not as hideous as I see myself. I do not care what you say to me, I will never change the way I feel. My only positive facial attributes are my eye color (hazel) and my long hair. That is about it.
Fred thought for the past 26 years that when I said I was ugly, that I was talking about my body. Now there are times in the past and sometimes now when I am disgusted by how I look. But not all the time. I want to lose weight for my health but otherwise, I am okay with how I am. I lost the weight so that I could bend over and put my damn shoes on. That is why I started this shit in the first place. I had gotten over 300 lbs and I could not put my boots on, socks on, bend over to paint toe nails, and I felt disgusting. I lost 30ish lbs and I could live again! Now, I want to lose at least 50 more but you all see how wonderfully that is going.
He was shocked last night. All these years and he was clueless that I perceive myself as an ugly person. I am not at the stage where I would like get plastic surgery to change it even if I could afford to. This is who I am.
Fred got upset. I told him he had to say that otherwise I would knife him in his sleep.
I do not know where I am even going with this post.
I just thought it was amusing that he did not realize that he had an ugly wife!