Go away Flare!

*240* <-----new scale says that this. I still like the one at the gastros!

This is going to be a sad vent. If you don't want to get into that, just skip along. :)

  Did I share this tattoo? The bestie and I went and got matching tattoos sort of. It is a ying yang symbol with koi fish. I requested the white one because I was never a wild child but she was. It fits perfect for the two of us. It was a nice surprise from her because she had stopped getting tattoos a couple years ago. It makes me feel honored.

  I am doing this on the iPad for two reasons. I hate that laptop that I have never replaced and I am going thru Fibro flare so I am in bed most of the time. I have had that Dell for 7 yrs possibly more. It is like I want to see how long it is gonna last me. It was a big lemon when we first got it. I had to have it worked on a few times over the phone/remotely. It still is missing the letter N. But I made it work cause we have had so many financial shit storms in the past few years and nobody was just gonna hand me a new one.  I am not special like that...never have and probably never will.  I tend to be one of those that will give you the shirt off my back, my last $5, and always remember you on your birthday. In return, I am forgettable at best. My whole life. I think that is just part of my Lott. Sickly and left out. Mother's Day will be another Sunday as per usual.

   This post has turned from benign to sad real quickly. Eeks 

   I have to admit, I am very depressed and it is starting to show. My mask is slipping. I haven't been going to therapy because we haven't reached our deductible and I cannot afford to owe more people.  The dog, taxes, my health, the stress of adult kids in the house, the house needs work, the house is a mess and I get minimal help.. I have said it before, sometimes I think somebody has put a bad juju on my head. How can so much happen to one person? And don't say that bullshit that if I am positive, only positive things will come to me. Basically cause I am a born pessimist, I deserved to get cdiff, and cranial leaks, and IIH, and diabetes, and vertigo..there is more as some of you know. Because I am not a positively glowing burst of happiness, I just keep getting the shitty end of the stick. 

Nah, I just think that I possibly am a horrible person to somebody and they are giving me what they think I deserve. Or I have absolutely rotten genetics. Or God is piling on the shit to really see how much I can handle.

 I think something is going on with the right side of my skull. Sharp pains in the mastoid area. I haven't said anything to the family and I haven't made appointment to see the neuro. I am not leaking. I just think I want to ignore it for now. I just can't deal with one more thing. That is how badly depressed I have been getting. I have been getting weird muscle spasms in my arm, leg, and face. But I was told it isn't neurological. Three doctors think it is vitamin deficiency. I am already on Mag, Vitamin D, and B-12. Not working for the spasms at all. 

I have a deal with my therapist that if I start thinking dangerous thoughts, I will let her know. I am not thinking that way so all is good. I would love to have some peace from all the pain and suffering but I think I would be too chicken to do that. I fear I would fuck it up, mess up my brain, and end up in a nursing home. Not want to be worse then I am already.

  

   I know that I am not going to get those raised beds in my front yard this year. They are procrastinators. They should have never even got my hopes up. I paid for the beds at the community garden this week. I hate growing there but I don't have any other options right now. I dislike it because I have to drive to get there. I am sick 75% of the time so the thought of driving there every day is too much for me. So the beds become neglected. But I have them, I am going to do one bed as all kale and Swiss chard. One bed will be tomatoes. And the third bed I haven't decided. I will most definitely have to weed them, turn them, and top them with compost by myself. It is always either by myself, with someone that doesn't want to be there, or with someone that does but they use that day as a get out of doing anything else for a month. 

I would rather just do it myself.

  Lu is on three meds now for her heart. I know that the end is near. She will either die on her own or I will have to bring her in to be put down. I am doing this one day at a time. I will not prolong her suffering. Once she cannot do things for herself, I will do right by her. The man suggested that I could get another small dog like her. I will not. Perla is 10 yrs old and who know how many more years she has. It will just be Ruby and the cats after awhile. I don't want my heart broken too many more times in my future.

  I have so many chores that need to be done and I just lay here. Fibro flare is painful. And we have a wintery cold snap going on here in New England so it doesn't make it better. I am just gonna lay here. Lu is quietly sleeping and I am happy for that. She has some peace when we lay in the bed. 

At least one of us does,

Ouch!

*i dont care*


    It is a hot and muggy Summer day today (and yesterday). I have been sitting around in front of fans in shorts and tank tops. Hubby is making dinner on the grill. I just cannot do it.

I think the evil diamox has messed up my gut. I have been told by my endo to push the fluids today and I will see him tomorrow morning. I have pain on my right side like when I had my liver troubles. It is a constant nag that has gotten worse over the days. I get sharp pains, nauseated, gassy, and just feel ill. TMI!! I have no trouble with #2 but afterward I feel like I still have to go but I dont. I have a slight appetite. It could be my liver, my gallbladder, or my pancreas, I reckon. Whatever it is, I aint staying in the hospital. I refuse! Okay..if it is serious I will go. But otherwise I want to just make it go away. So yeah..what do I do if I have to start the diamox again if that is what is messing with my gut. There is only one other pill. If that doesnt work.....
Yeah..nothing positive to say.  I will post what happens in the comments. I wish to be happy again.

 The heat is not helping at all.  

End of Winter?

R.I.P.

*253*

  Eating pickle spears and sweet pickled peppers

I am in a better mood today. But this post will be short. I will explain in a bit. I had a meltdown yesterday but after some talk with Hubs, I realized I have alot on my mind. Too much really. I will be okay in that realm.


  It is gonna snow tomorrow afternoon. I am not even gonna bitch about it. 4-8 inches. Yup. 

Taxes. I may do them tomorrow. I may not. We shall see. We will owe so I am avoiding like the plague.

 I could just lay around and watch Hulu Plus or try to read 50 shades of Grey again. I fell asleep two chapters in. Jane Eyre is better and she never makes me fall asleep. That says something about that book. 

 I have been trying to keep my stress eating down to a minimum and eat healthy things. Today it was a handful of ginger snaps, 5 Doritos chips (kid had control of my portion), and those pickles that are mentioned up top. But I also have a box of Russel Stover Chocolates in the cabinet.

My symptoms have gotten worse this past week. They are not WORSE but they are slowly ramping up. My hands are giving me trouble. My legs are heavy and a bit weaker. My neck hurts all the time. It gives me headaches. It makes my shoulders and collar bone hurt. And I had a scary thing happen today. I had a electric shock cattle prod thing on the right side of my head. I remember those from when my L5 was bad. But it was in my back. Having in head sucks major.

It looks like a herniated cervical disc would be the best option at this point. I have read about Spinal Stenosis with Myelopathy. If that isnt me, then I am a monkey`s auntie.  March 21 isnt coming fast enough. Stupid tattoo that I really like. LOL



Yeah.....

Speaking of Aunties, you should check out Auntie Fee. She has a Facebook page but I like to just go to her Youtube videos. She swears but she is funny and she cooks. She cooks for people that have very little money. I repeat. She swears. Quite alot. The guy behind the camera is her son, Tavis. He gets her riled up so easy. It makes us laugh. But I learned some new ways of cooking old favorites. 

The kid just gave me 3 tiny pizza bagels. The eating continues.

Tomato Heaven!

*270*

   I was gifted that small bowl of tomatoes from a friend. She only had one plant but it was growing tomatoes like crazy. Then I contacted a local farm stand and they picked me all these green tomatoes for $10. There are at least 25 of them and there are some really big ones. We had tasty fried green tomatoes last night with our dinner. There were three left overs. I heated them up this afternoon and had them with my noodle lunch. Really tangy and good.
   I slice them on the thick side. Make sure they are not red at all or they will be too mushy to fry. I dip them in an egg wash of egg, milk, and hot sauce. Then I dip them in flour seasoned with salt and pepper, then back in the egg wash, and then I coat them in corn meal. I let them sit for a minute or two before I put them in the hot oil. I cook them until both sides are golden. We do not put anything on them. They are good..as is. Tonight I have two kinds of local corn on the cob to steam. There is Silver Queen and Butter and Sugar corn. I had also picked up some white skinned peaches while I was there. Those are the best. If you can get hold of them, give them a try. They are only in season for a short time before Fall hits.

   I ended up at the ED on Thursday evening. I was there for about four hours. I talked to Fred`s friend who is a nurse practitioner. I had sent him off with a paper of my symptoms for her to read and give her opinion. She most definitely thinks I am suffering from pancreatitis. She was thinking that I was in the chronic phase but that since it was getting worse, I needed to be seen. She found out later on from talking to the ADN that night, that those working on me thought it was pancreatitis. Guess what?
Supposedly I am fine. Scans are fine and enzymes of all the organs are fine.  You can push on my upper gut and you can see that it hurts me but everything is fine. He says that the only things that came up were I had a right ovarian cyst and the beginnings of a UTI (which he gave me an antibiotic for) but those would not give me the pain up where it is. He gave me a pill for stomach spasms that is used for people with IBS. It is an awful pill. I took it and within an hour, I was in bed sleeping. It only worked for the 1 hour that I slept and I was back feeling awful again. Oh well. Cant get those four hours back. I see the new gastro on Tuesday. I need to fill out a ton of paperwork too. 
  For a moment in time, I thought I was crazy. But the ED Dr said that there is something wrong, we just do not know what it is. He felt bad. They were ready to admit me but then the results came back. They had to send me home as I came. Still in pain with no answers.

  Yesterday Fred cleaned the entire fridge from top to bottom. It had to be defrosted. I must have spilled some water when I was putting fresh ice cube trays in and it plugged the drainage hole in the freezer. So it had to be shut off and cleaned. It is perfectly perfect now. I went shopping and cooked dinner. This morning, He took down all of my collection of canning jars and vintage bottles to be washed. He will put back up after I am done. I appreciate him so much. My payment is again a big hearty dinner.
 Basically that is it. Boring life in New England. Surprised you havent fallen asleep yet.  I feel like I might after eating my noodle lunch and tomatoes.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Feels like Autumn with a side of hot flashes

Her bangs will be painfully short!

*270*

  I do not remember if I said this before but I got a cut and color. The youngest cut off all the pink from the ombre that we did a couple months ago. The bleach really damaged about 4 inches of hair. I will remember not to ever do THAT again. The new cut is just past my shoulders. And I colored the whole thing dark walnut. I have to touch up the roots on the bleach that I have in the front. I am keeping that for a little while. I like it. It holds the wave in my hair again. I do not know if I will ever grow my hair down to my waist again but for now, shorter feels better.
  It is a cool one this morning but I am sitting in front of a fan with a tank top on. I was profusely sweating so I figured one of two things: I have a fever or menopause. My temp was 97.3.
I went to see the surgeon yesterday about the 2nd opinion. He said the same thing that the 1st surgeon and the my gastro has said. I do not have gallstones and the gallbladder is perfectly healthy. He did say that it could possibly be my pancreas but I need to go back to my gastro to find out about that. Then he said I should have a full work up...upper endoscopy, colonoscopy, cat scans, etc. I said I already did.
So for those keeping score..It is not diverticulitis, not my gallbladder, not my reproductive, and not my kidneys or liver. I have been referred to another gastro because mine is an asshat.  I fear that they will never figure it out and I will just have this pain for the rest of my life. My guess is that I will be told I have IBS (no kidding) and that I will just have to live with this pain forever. I think I am just tired of fighting. It has been almost a year of this. I will just keep it in the back of my mind and if anything comes from this, I will update.
It will not stop me from my goal of losing this fat.
  I am signed up for the seminar for the gastric bypass this month. I told my best friend about it. She is supportive and is a bit jealous. She wishes she had insurance because she would get it too. I wish she could get it too. We could have bingo wings together! Oh well. Fred will go with me, we will find out about it, and then I will proceed with caution. Baby steps. I heard that it can take months before you even get the surgery. She has a friend that had it last year. It was six months before she had her surgery. I am thinking that since I have already had upper endoscopy and such, they might use that since it is new. But we shall see.

I have some good news. My vitals were checked at the surgeon`s office and my blood pressure was back to it`s normal lower range. I guess I was just stressed from all that has been going on. I would love to lose the stress but that would require me to lose the pain.
  Gonna wash the dogs and clean the house. I have plants to water outside and I was thinking of baking some cookies. We shall see about that though. The hot flashes from earlier might come back and I do not like to freaking sweat.

My gut sucks

 

I forgot to mention what has been going on. I have been having right side pain. It is a constant. And I noticed that my digestion has slowed down like it did before. Not fun!
  I called my regular Dr who is also my Endo because I have to be careful with my kidneys because I am a diabetic. At first he thought they were kidney stones but then after poking me, he is leaning toward the pain being from my gallbladder. I have not had any awful, oh god help me pain. Just constantly hurts but gets worse if I am doing stuff or sitting too long. It is different from the stomach issues I had before. I am waiting to get a call to set up an ultrasound to check out my gut, again. I have also noticed that my strong script for prilosec is not working as well as it used it. I have some nights when I have acid reflux coming up. I will have to see my gut Dr in the near future too.
 So yeah. My life is just a never ending circle of clusterfucks and oh shits. Thank GOD I have medical insurance. If I didnt, I would probably be dead already.

I was sitting here feeling like crap and I realized I forgot to take my insulin after I ate that bologna sandwich. I checked my sugar first and it is still in the normal range. That tells me that A. my stomach is sluggish and I cannot take shot until food moves into intestine. And B. My feeling like shit is something different. It is not my diabetes.

I wish I could be normal again.

I am in pain

*265*

This is day five of being in stomach pain and nausea. It seems that this, whatever it is, has progressed a bit. I used to be able to eat a large grinder with chips and feel mildly bloated and ashamed. Fred ordered me a small tuna grinder with cheese and tomato (no lettuce sniff sniff). I ate half and that was a struggle. The other half was nibbled on a bit, given to the dogs (the cheese and bread) and thrown away. I also ate half a cookie but we wont talk about that..LOL
My stomach is distended most of the time like someone blew up a balloon in there. I feel nauseous. I feel like I am gonna puke. Hours from now, when the food should be in my intestines, I will still be bloated and in mild to moderate pain. I am on high doses of acid reducers because my acid reflux is so bad, that I wake up choking on acid that is shooting out of my mouth. (pills are working) This is my life now. I am most definitely going to lose weight but I have to hope and pray that I do not waste away like many I have been talking to. I have figured out that I cannot eat raw veggies or beef. More foods will be added to my forbidden list. I am a fucking foodie for Christs sake! Now I cannot eat!
I had a lovely chef salad for dinner on Saturday night and I paid for that salad all day Sunday. I do not think I finally digested it until that evening.. Full of surprises.
I have my cat scan February 2nd early early way too early in the morning. Then I wait for results...again.....

  I have to tell you this way because I do not want to be the downer of the group or Facebook or my friends or my family. I have been sick for 10 years. I know what happens. When you get sick, you find out who your REAL friends are. Some slip away from you cause they are not strong enough to handle it. Fucked up, huh?

Do you ever wonder why I don't talk about it?
It hasnt mysteriously gone away.
Do you ever wonder why I am hardly around?
It is because I feel like shit but have to keep it to myself. That is hard to do sometimes.

 I know you really do not want to hear or read it. You want me to keep it to myself cause I will lower your mood. And that isnt good.
 So I am alone except for my family and a very few close friends. I have told others but the reception wasnt that great. I was told that I should write about it in my blog or in a document so that those that want to read it can. Meaning, shut up and do not bring that depressive bullshit here.

I am seriously not looking for sympathy or pity. Maybe a smidge of empathy would be nice. I am everybody's cheerleader. You need an ear, a shoulder, a dollar, or a pack of chicken..I am there for you. And no one will dispute that. I think I deserve a little bit of the same kindness that I have imparted onto you. Even just a small bit.

I want to warn you that if you tell me you think it is cool that I am going to lose a ton of weight, duck cause I am going to punch you in the fucking mouth. Do not ever say that to someone with a motility disorder. They did not ask for this. They cannot eat like a normal person ever again.
My shrink actually said she was very sorry to me. She is never like that.
So I know I am fucked.