Trying to stay positive

*227* <---I gained 7 fucking pounds! That is not acceptable!*'


   I am trying really hard to be positive. The man has a telephone interview with unemployment next week. He is also going to go there to find out about help with job training and such like that. Now it is time to work it. We cannot afford for him to go much lower then what he was making. A couple dollars yes but any lower then that, and it is going to be very hard. I might have to go stiletto shopping.  On a positive note, it is almost 5pm est and the sun is still over the horizon. Every day gets a little bit longer.

  I have a crazy idea. Hear me out. I was thinking of applying to the USPS as a Rural Carrier Associate. That is what I used to do. All your work is basically sitting in the truck and delivering. Most of the mail is sorted for you, not like back when I was an RCA. You work every Saturday. Then you work any days your carrier wants off, and when they go on vacation. It isnt enough money to live off of but I can work for the Feds, be a Federal employee, and still collect my SS. I will never make over that certain amount that deems you ineligible. Unless I get my own route. Which is highly unlikely but it is nice to dream. I think I will find out where the testing center is for CT and decide if I really want to do that. Thoughts? I know I know. No comments hardly. On a positive note, I went to the new Aldi`s today in my area. LOVE IT. Bought some cheese.

  Well, that just made me burst into tears. The Neurosurgeon finally set up my MRI. Nobody let me know. It is supposed to be for this Saturday. This is to check on my cervical spine and to see why I have a weak pulse in my arm. I had to tell her that he doesnt work there anymore and we could not afford to do it. I have been waiting for over a month for that appointment and now it is nothing. Poof. I have to file for State Welfare insurance for me and hubby. I have no idea how to do that. At all. I worry every day. I have not told anybody but you all and a couple of friends. No one asks me how i am doing. I cannot even go to therapy to talk it out cause I dont have insurance to pay for it. If I get sick, I will just end up dying.  On a positive note, the snow outside is melting nicely. We will have a few warm ups coming up this week and next week.

  Yesterday was Kid #1`s birthday. She is now 28 years old. I made her a full sized Martha Stewart NY style cheesecake. We went out for dim sum lunch for her meal. She got to go to Lush and Sephora on her sister`s dime. She had a good time. We had the money set aside. No sense in making her birthday feel like shit cause life is imploding all over the place for us. Sometimes you have to just a little bit of normal to make everything feel okay. Even for a little bit. On a positive note, my grapefruit tree has sprouted a new baby. This is good news!

  That was the last birthday until October. There are no more excuses from here on out. I went to do my regular grocery shopping and picked up all kinds of stuffs to add fat into the diet so I do not fall head first into a loaf of bread. Like I did on Tuesday. My friend`s husband makes artisinal loafs of bread. I had never had before. I bought a loaf for the girls cause they dont really get bread at all anymore. OMG! Hubs and I ate some. It was divine! I have to be careful though and so does he. We dont have any health insurance. Being a diabetic with no insurance is no joke. On a positive note, I have a nice big pot of crack slaw cooking on the stove. I am using stevia in place of the brown sugar in the recipe. We can eat till we puke and it wont make the sugars go up.

    I think that is about all I have to say. I am quiet. Hardly anybody knows what is going on but the ones that do aint saying anything to me. So that makes me feel really special. I have yet to go through the stuff for Etsy and Ebay. Once I get out of this funk I am in, I will do it. I promise. You will see stuff up on there. I just am not feeling any kind of productivity at this point. I looked at the calendar and in next week will be two weeks since my telephone interview. If I am going to hear anything, it will be around then. I have to go pay my bill tomorrow. I will let the ladies up front know how far I have gotten. I hope I get it. I really do. I keep sending out positive thoughts so that it can happen.

Have a good weekend! I will probably post again on Sunday. I just felt like I needed to let some shit go and I have nobody to talk to so I just throw it up here for the world to read.

I need some blueberries in my life

*239* <---home scale

 There is a revealed recipe this morning from the guy that was the Baker at the Jordan Marsh (remember that?) in Boston. I had to snag the recipe to share. It looks like a standard muffin recipe but he used to use half bread and half pastry flour. I have to get some supplies to give this a try.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter
2 cups flour (unsifted, blend of bread and pastry)
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 cups blueberries
2 teaspoons sugar (for tops)
1 teaspoon vanilla
On low speed, cream butter with sugar until fluffy. Add eggs one at a time and mix until blended. Sift dry ingredients; add to eggs-and-butter mixture, alternating with milk. Mash 1/2 cup of berries and stir into mixture by hand. Add the rest of the berries whole and stir by hand. Grease muffin tins well with butter; grease the top surface of the pans as well. Pile mixture high in each muffin cup, and sprinkle the sugar over tops.

Bake at 375 degrees for 30 minutes.


Blogger tells me that I am a lonely bitch.  It looks like absolutely nobody reads here anymore so I either scared you all away or blogger screwed something up. I dont know how to even begin to figure it out. Eh. It isnt like I am not used to talking to myself anywho. And I have only one person that gives me feedback so if you are out there, I really do not know it.

  I am not feeling better but I am not feeling worse. That is a plus. Believe me. I am not feeling like a major sad sack today. You can put away the hotline numbers. I have depression and sometimes when TOOMUCH is going on, it will intensify. I am always depressed but I keep it on a even keel. The weather is starting to even out a bit which also helps With that comes allergies but that is part of living for some and I have my generic Zyrtec. I am just going at life one day at a time. I have to. I aint going no place voluntarily at this point. :)

  With that. I have to say that my new attitude lately has been for the good. I dont have to please anyone but myself (and the man). I have been just thinking of myself and saving money at it. I went out to get myself a iced tea. I would usually buy one for each of us. Instead, I bought two...for me. Yeah, that felt good. There was no guilt felt there at all. I had decided that this year was the beginning of it being about just me and the man. We are done raising our children. They are grown now whether they like it or not. The iced teas was a symbol. I am gonna do what I want for us. Freedom! But it is already April, and it had not happened yet. That is about to change.

   I have a list of things taped to the wall in front of me that I have to do. Taxes are at the top. Those will be done this Sunday while I cook. But there are other things. I did a really good job of thinning the herd in my closet. I had two bags full and I had two baskets to go through. Then I ran out of steam. Those two bags have to go to the donation center for Sunday morning. So I have to finish going through the rest of my clothes before then. I am hoping that today is that day! LOL

   Lu has actually been doing a smidge better. The 3rd pill has started to kick in. I am under no delusions that she will live to a ripe old age but if she can live past the summer, I would be happy with that.

  There was some good news this week. My Mammo ultrasound came back negative. Yay! I am slowly teaching Ruby to go out on her runner without me watching her. Yay! And some other good stuff that I aint gonna say cause I have to keep some shit to myself. Yay!

  Okay..gonna finish this coffee and clean the kitchen.

TGIF and I hope you have a sunny weekend.


  

 

Grocery Shopping is for the birds

*245*

  Blogger is acting wonky today so we shall see how much of this I get done. I slept in this morning. I had a dream (nightmare) that I had adopted 2 puppies. Puppies that would become big dogs. Yeah, that was a nightmare. For the past few days I have been in a really bad mood. I have my date to meet with the surgeon about my leg on V day, all this cold, everything is covered in ice, and other life stuff. Just getting me down. The man and I went to the casino yesterday. We had Frank Pepe`s Pizza. Oh yeah..that is some good shit. We walked around. We lost some money. And then I bought this month`s Alex and Ani open bracelet, Love.  I received two of these bracelets at Christmas. I just had to have another. $20 for a gold bracelet can really lift your spirits.
  Today is usually lazy day but that happened yesterday. So after a couple cups of coffee, I have cleaning and grocery shopping to do. I usually get the shopping done on Friday but I just wasnt feeling it. Sometimes, I am just not in the mood. I know is necessary but food shopping has become so expensive. I have become adept at hoarding food but not in a gross, out of date, tv show sort of way. I know I have enough frozen and pantry food. This week I will buy fridge food. Dairy, non dairy, and produce. I would love to have it be under $100 but that never happens. Ever. Always $100 or more. This is why I hate shopping. I am pretty darn sure that if it was just the two of us, it would be like $100 every 2 weeks IF even that. But this is not a full nest rant at all.

  I can almost fit into a size 18 pants. THISCLOSE It is the gut. I will probably always have a gut flap cause old lady skin does not bounce back like that. I am really starting to notice in the mirror. I got a real boost last week too. Kid #2 and the man said (unsolicited) that I am now the smallest person in the house..out of the four of us.  I was tickled. Someone besides the man that loves me said something. My kid loves me too but you know what I mean. I will keep doing. The scale has stopped moving for now but the inches are falling off. Slow and steady wins the race.

Depression and Mouse catching

*270* <---I lost weight, because the gym use to say I weighed 280ish when the house scale said I was 270ish. This is good.


I am a bit depressed. It is not hormonal in the sense that I am getting my period. Already dealt with that this month. I think it is a bunch of things.
   I do not see Fred as much as I used to because of work. I miss him terribly. I am alone much more because the girls have up and found some lives for themselves. It is just me and the animals alot of the time. And my bestie has got herself a man now. I am so happy for her but now I am a big lonely depressed sad sack. No wonder I am losing weight. There is no one to cook for and I am depressed anyway. I basically live on coffee and dinner. Dont yell at me for not eating. My ass is fat. I got enough padding to last me for awhile. I have nothing to do but housework and that makes me sad. I was reading with all my friends on Facebook were going to do for Friday night and the weekend. I got really sad because that is not me. That is how fucking insidious Depression is. It can make you be sad that people are in a corn maze at night freezing their asses off and you aren't. LOL
   I also think I have an infection in my ears and I think it is not a garden variety ear infection. I think it is my mastoids. They have always had a minimal amount of congestion but no one ever thinks to deal with it. Now I think it is getting to the point they need to be dealt with. Do I go to Dr in New Haven that I have not seen in years? Do I see the local Dr? Or do I try to get in to see Fred`s ENT in New Haven? Who knows.
So I was about to lay on the couch with the dog and be all maudlin when I hear the familiar high pitched tinny scream of a mouse caught by a cat. Milo caught his first mouse from the basement! Good boy. He was clueless with what to do with it. He injured it enough that the mouse hid in the bristles of my broom and dustpan. It kept screeching. I had to take action. I know what decomposing mouse smells like and it aint pretty!
I put on my shoes...cause if that mouse touched my feet..I would freak the fuck out.
I picked up broom and dust pan at same time and kind of pressed the mouse down. It stopped screaming but it was still moving. I went out on the porch and I flung that mouse..it flew in the air and landed in the neighbor`s yard. Good riddance mousey!
I should be honest though. As I was listening to the mouse scream for help, I called Fred on the phone. He did not answer. So I had to deal with it myself. Usually he deals with the any rodents. Yup, another job for me to do.


Can I lay on the couch now and be pitiful?