Door Mat! not me.

Ruby Red Grapefruits/Blood Oranges

*245*
  I had already had plans to make some more ruby red grapefruit jam for my friend, A when I stumbled on these Blood oranges that were $3 per lb. Score! They sell these for 2 for $3 at the regular grocery. I am happy. I was thinking I couldn't afford to do a batch this year.

  I have said this before..I am a door mat to my children. Even the child that isnt even mine. They have me so wrapped that I catch myself buying them luxuries that they cant afford. One works part time with not a living wage. One is doing a side job for pettance and my non child has no job at all. But they all live here completely free and clear. Feeling they have the right to demand stuff but not earning their keep monetarily or house wise. I had a long talk with the man today. I have finally decided that I have had enough. I am not spending one dime on them. They will have to buy all their luxuries. How ever they can. I started today. One asked me how much money I had..I snapped back *none of your business*. They wanted me to buy something they did not have the money for. I said, *sorry, I do not have any money for that*.
  I know it is going to be hard for me but I have to do this. I have not been able to save any money this year because I am shitting part of it away on them. I am done with that. If I want to have something to eat, I will go out and get it. If I want to get eyebrows threaded or walk the mall...I will go on my own. They WILL be mad at me. Doors will be slammed. But they are 25, almost 21, and 20 (21 end of year). They really need to stop sucking off the teet and I really need to stop allowing it.

  This is going to be something I will talk about along the way. I just have to go cold turkey with this. I am going to get a door knob kit with a lock for my closet door. I will put my change jar and cash in there. If I do not have cash...I cannot give it to them. There is no stealing going on but there may be temptation if Mom doesn't buy cigs.

  Hubs and I have decided this will be two fold. First I will cut them off from their luxuries. Then in a couple months, if that does not make them seek better work, we will tell them they have to pay rent. Yes! I am going to make them grow up. Pay rent, do housework, do yardwork, help the family while you are staying here. Free rides are coming to a end.

  There will be some silent treatments, hissy fits, slammed doors..you know..all the stuff adults do when they are told to act like true adults. I have always caved because I did not want to be hated and ignored. That is just something I will get over with the help of my Love and my therapist.

 Wish me luck. Hubs is already a hard ass so he doesnt need any help.

Last Day of Winter

 

After a dreary morning, a bit of snow, and a ton of rain...the sun has finally come out. Love the sun! The last day of Winter would be a fucking bitch, right? I want to start working in the yard without having to wear a winter coat and gloves. Ahh! The sun. :)

  I bought a small turkey breast for Easter. I want turkey dinner and we had decided no more hams after the one we had for Christmas. It is a small turkey though. Very small. I remember being able to get a 10-12 lb breast for like Thanksgiving. The largest I could find was a little over 6lbs and the biggest they were offering was 7lb. Oh well. I will make sure to hoard some leftover slices for myself to have turkey sandwich afterward. I have decided there is going to be garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus, broccoli, sausage stuffing and I think make that shrimp salad that I make with the orzo. Fred and I love that and we eat it for days afterward. I could make a nice vanilla cake and get some ice cream to eat with it.
Oh and deviled eggs for sure!
 This is the first year that I am not making Easter baskets. These girls are 24 and 19. I think I deserve a break from the baskets until I get some grand kids. I do not feel the least bit guilty. I think because I have so much on my mind that I need to just let some shit go. I wish I could let the fucking bills go too. Ha!

  I finally made the Blood Orange Marmalade. I kept working on the oranges every weekend and then freezing the pulp and the skins. I had to add two regular oranges to get the amount that I needed to can them. It is a really beautiful color. I was able to get 10 of these half pints. I am treating them like actual gold. You have to be special as hell to get one of these babies! Thought I would let you all know that I eventually did finish them. I just did not have the energy or the want to do it but I had to. I was not going to waste all that money spent on citrus fruit go to waste because the fruit went bad.
Now I have a nice spread for toast.

I am a bit bloated this afternoon. Natalie made burger sliders for lunch. I am waiting for digestion to begin.
It better hurry up cause I have Thai Green Curry chicken to make for dinner.

Snowy Saturday

Not my Jeepo

It snowed! And I went out and drove in it by myself! And I did not die! Woot!  I had to go out yesterday morning for something that I could not cancel. So I pulled up my big girl pants, brushed the snow off the Jeep, put her in 4 wheel drive, and went on my way. It was still snowing, many places had not been plowed at that point, and I was not scared. It felt so good to be *independent*. I am not afraid anymore. There wasn't anyone to whine too while I was driving so I just did it and I did it well. Today the snow is melting. It is close to 50 deg F outside and we do not even have the heat on. I will probably use the shovel later on to push it out of the way from the cars.

  I have to start the low residue diet on Tuesday for my tests. It is coming up quick! I have been waiting so long to get some answers and now the day is coming and I am a bit nervous. Like I do not want to know! It is probably nothing serious at all. Some bullshit disorder that I will have to learn to live with. This has been how I sleep at night. It isn't cancer. Because if it is, I am going to lose it. I do not think I could mentally handle all the comes with having cancer. The pain, the surgeries, and everything else. Nope! It has to be something else.
I think I am at some wonky assed denial stage. Whatever gets me through the day, huh?

I have more oranges to do for the damn marmalade. I have been doing them in batches and saving them in the fridge. When I have enough tomorrow, I will make it. I hate making it cause it is a pain in the ass. I will probably never make it again.
Hope you have a great weekend. I am going to spend mine cleaning.

Squirrel Sunday

 I was awoken every so rudely by the dog barking at the JWs ringing my doorbell so early in the morning. Jeez. Don't they know us already?
 Then I got up and the dog was still barking cause there was a squirrel parade out in the back yard and patio. It is that time of year! The ground is warming up, the sump pump kicks on every so often in the basement, and the squirrels are out there looking for their nuts. They a bunch of hungry heifers. I like squirrels and I do not like squirrels. I probably told the terrifying story of me being challenged by a deranged squirrel in the garage when I went to get my bike when I was a kid. I have gotten over that now. I can appreciate their furry lusciousness.

My friend, Deb has a love/hate with the little bastards. I use every opportunity that I can get to show her the squirrel love. Funny pictures are the best. How can you hate on a rat with a fuzzy tail? Until they invade your house I reckon. Birds and Squirrels are entertaining to me.

   I am stupid but you already knew that...hehehe I wanted to test myself and see what would happen if I did NOT take the laxative like I have been every night. I have been going since I have been taking it and part of me wondered if I was *fixed* and could go on my own.
 Nada. Nope. Nothing.
    Do not worry. I will take it tonight. I just had to see if I could stop taking it. It isn't normal, is it? That someone that had no problem going every single day now can only go with medication. I already know the answer but I was hoping that maybe I was wrong. Twelve more days until testing.
Big kid leaves on her plane trip across country this week for work. Great adventure for her and her group mates. I told her I wanted a small souvenir from SanFran.
    Little kid learned that she has a knack with dogs. She is going to be recommended to learn and be paid to be a groomer. Our groomer is retiring and she wanted to see if kid had the gift. She does apparently but I already knew that. So this could be a path for her to start her adulthood. Not to say it is forever or maybe it is. She is happy and excited.

  Today consists of me taking Big kid around to get supplies for her trip, finishing off sectioning the blood oranges (i did half last night), and making meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner tonight.
Exciting life I lead, huh?

Have a nice restful Sunday!

Whole lot of honesty..Warning!

Remember Tab? I remember my Mom drinking it back in the 70s at the beach. If I  think back in my brain I vaguely remember what it tasted like. Maybe not. I have been drinking Diet Pepsi for a long time. I did not drink it for the *diet* factor in it. Regular soda was just too sweet for me. I do not remember when it started but it was before I had kids.

Anyway....it has surfaced recently that diet soda is hurting my stomach area also. NOOOOOO! My one true vice of Diet Pepsi and I have to stop drinking it? I noticed that I was not drinking it every day. I would at least have one cup with dinner. I went like three days and then I went on a Pepsi binge on the third day. It is because the stuff is hurting my gut. I want it so bad that I hold off till I cannot take it anymore. Coffee has become the enemy too. I am down to drinking one small cup a day. And that takes me forever to finish. Sucks Ass! I have realized now that it is basically everything that hurts my gut. Not just that list I posted. EVERYTHING HURTS NOW! I have to drink a laxative every day so that I can go inefficiently. I wait till I cannot take the hunger pains anymore and then I will eat something.  Fred and I were each eating a small slice of cheese pastry. I had like one bite left and I couldn't eat it if you promised to give me a $100. He looked at me weird. I felt weird. I could eat a whole large grinder (sub/hoagie) to myself and now I cannot eat this small slice of danish? I went to the grocery store yesterday to pick up a couple things for dinner. I was in there probably a total of 15-20 minutes. I started feeling hot and sick. My stomach started to hurt. I ended my trip, went to cash out, and left. I notice that if I am in the car driving for a bit, my stomach starts to cramp/hurt. So now non physical activities hurt. I find that I get tired faster especially doing housework. Going up and down the stairs never bothered me but now it makes me have to sit down and rest.  It is not just in the right side anymore. It is right upper, right lower, and left upper AND both sides of lower back and right side of upper back.  My clothes are starting to hang. Pants that my fat ass could NEVER fit into, I can button and zip. Too tight still to wear but give it some more time and I will be sporting them by Spring. I am a human clusterfuck.
 I am scared.
I am scared because this is probably something serious. It has come on all of a sudden. The symptoms have been getting worse and multiplying as the weeks go by. I am worried one day that I wont be able to poop at all. There could be a partial blockage. That indicates cancer. Or I could have some awful disorder that will render my life shittier than it is now.
Which would you rather in this situation?
 I do not say these things to friends and family cause I do not want to freak them out right now unnecessarily.
But I have all the symptoms and signs of colon cancer. Even the ribbon poop. That was interesting to look up but once you see it, you know it is not normal. The only thing I do not have is blood. And I know that sometimes you never know you are bleeding until they do an occult test.

 I think I want to document these things so that I do not forget. If you do not want to read it, that is fine. I just have to post this stuff. I was holding back because I got criticized for sharing. Supposedly my life is supposed to be about butterflies and kittens for some damn reason. Not everybodies life is picture perfect. Some people get the shittier end of the stick for whatever reason. If they keep that stuff to themselves all the time, they will go nuts. This is the most benign place to share for me right now. I wont stress out my family with my symptoms and I can get shit off my chest.  And maybe someone else will read it and say, Hey..that is going on with me too. I may not have cancer at all. It might just be some disorder I will have to deal with. I know from reading that it is probably not  Crohn`s or diverticulitis. I do not have diarrhea at all. I wish I did. It would be better then this slow moving train.
I have to wait exactly 14 days from today until my roto rooter is done. I notice that my life now is separated into 2 week increments. Hurry up and wait two weeks!

I have this massively big grocery bag full of blood oranges. I NEED to suck it up and make the damn marmalade today. Those oranges cost me money and I will be pissed if I let them go to waste. Today i am going to clean the kitchen up and at least section all the fruit. If I can do that, I can make the jam tomorrow. So I think that is good for me. Separate it into two days so that i do not become overwhelmed.
Natalie will help cook dinner tonight. Chicken Alfredo. I am going to make a light tomato sauce for myself to have chicken in there with the pasta, sauce, and grated Parmesan. Nom Nom Nom.

That is what is going on in my head right now. I wish I did not have to wait 2 weeks. Two weeks is alot of time of thinking. And letting whatever is going on in my gut to ferment or grow. I just wish it was sooner.

Okay, I hope I did not totally bum you out. I had to let it go though. Thanks for listening,

My kingdom for a.....

POOP!

   Yes, I said it. I am sick and tired of being constipated. Now I am not completely non-functioning in that area but if you eat THIS much food and only poop THIS much food...there is a problem. That colonoscopy aint coming fast enough. I have gotten shall we say worse..the nausea and feeling like I am gonna barf is more prevalent all day. The pain is still there but has spread to other places in my stomach area. Still have the side pain that is original. That never went away. I realized this afternoon that I need to eat way less. I had a turkey sandwich with a cup of cling peaches for lunch. Not a big sandwich at all. Normal size. And my gut feels like it is gonna explode. Tonight we are going to try out his brother`s meat rub on the chicken. I hope I can eat it cause I bet it will be real good.

 I have a plan to make blood orange marmalade tomorrow. I have a huge bag of the oranges that cost me so I am going to do it. A friend wants a couple to give as a gift. No rush but I would like to do it this weekend and get it out of the way. I said I hated making marmalade because of the extra work but it tastes really good. I will do it just because. 
 It is snowing a little bit this afternoon. Supposed to snow more overnight but it is too warm here on the coast so it will be mostly rain. Glad I have no place to go tomorrow.
This post is going no where but to pot..hehehe I got nothing.

Hope you are having a nice Saturday and a great Sunday to come. I am gonna go relax for a bit.