I must be broken or something

*230* <---all scales are subjective


   I suck. Shake your head at me. I cannot follow through on shit. This was supposed to be No Spend June and it turned into OMG SPEND SOME MONEY BITCH!  I had a vet bill, I had to put oil in the tank, we had to have a dying tree cut down ($600!!!), and I had to buy work clothes for the Hubs new job. Plus I just have no fucking self control when it comes to spending. It started off innocently enough. The heat wave hit and I realized after pulling out all my summer clothes that I owned 2 pairs of shorts total. And one pair was to short for my liking. So i decided that it was okay for me to go to Goodwill and buy some shorts. And I did. I spend $25 on a few pairs of shorts. That is all I bought and I felt okay with that. Then it just snowballed. Again with the take out food. Again with the multiple trips to the grocery store. What the literal fuck, Heidi?

   But if any of you have read here at all, you know that I am a fighter. I will do this again. I am not calling this month a lost cause but I am going to start again fresh for July. Hubs has a new job with different hours. I will have to do all the stuffs around here because he wont be around during the day. When he is around, I do not get much done. I dont know why. Now that he will be gone during the day....I can get the ebay started up again. I can get projects done. I will clean. I will be bored because he is not here so I will do tasks around the house. We shall see if the change in venue will give me a boost of NOT SPENDING. I really am ashamed of myself. I could not even do it for a whole month. There are people out there that have done it for a year. A freaking YEAR!

Okay..I am done flagellating myself.

   Today is the last day of Spring 2017. So far the veggie garden sucks. The only plants that are doing well are the tomatoes. They are growing really nicely. The peppers are not doing well at all. This weird weather has not given them an opportunity to grow. The ones at the community garden looks like they need to be pulled and start all over again. I have time I guess. Yes, buying plants for the garden is spending money. But I place them in the category of food so it is added to the grocery budget.  Since we had the tree cut down in the top yard, we also had some branches trimmed. I got rid of that big one in the side yard that was almost touching the house. Super happy that is gone. We were getting mossy on the roof on that side of the house. Let`s see. Oh yes. I broke the sink upstairs. Dont ask (unless I already told you but I am not searching to see if I did). That was another $200 for a new sink/cabinet/faucet plus give friend some cash for helping. The sink looks faboo though. The old one came with the house and it was supposedly built in to the wall. Like they made it. This one is smaller which is good. Gives the bathroom a little bit more leg room. See, I can be positive.

  Let me think of some positives for this post. Hubs got a new job. We have a beautiful new bathroom sink. The tree that could have fallen on our house is gone. There is more sun in the yard. I took a walk at the beach yesterday......Oh yeah.  Yesterday it was overcast and I decided to take a walk on the boardwalk at the beach in the morning. I did the full boardwalk once. I did not have my sneakers on (last minute decision to go) so I did not want to hurt my feet. I always say that I am going to walk for exercise but I do not. It is because there is this level of guilt that if I go without others, I am a shit head. I do not want to wait until other people decide they want to go. I want to just go. It is better for me to just do it in the morning before it gets hot. Take the two mile walk that I have mapped out, come home, take a shower, and start the rest of my day. I had already decided that tomorrow will be that day.

  What else? Positives! I dont know. I just know I need to get off this computer. I have to strip the bed and wash all the bed linens. I have to water the plants upstairs and vacuum. I have a mountain of my clothes to put away. That is what I will miss the most. Hubs did all the laundry. Now that his shift has flipped, he is going to be too tired to be doing that. Did I just say that? LOL I think he needs to know how much I appreciate him. Oh. I forgot. I had an MRI on my cervical spine. It shows arthritis but there is not bulges or herniations. Yay me!

That is all for now. I am sorry that I missed a week. Last week, I had a UTI from hell and I was just not in the mood for anything. If you have ever had a UTI, you will completely understand.
I will be back next week with more of my whining.

There are no farmer`s tans allowed!

Lemon Balm at the house

*228*

  I am taking a break from the miserable existence that is my Monday to have a healthy discussion about why I am so hateful lately. If you are not in the mood to read me whine, then just do not do it. Find something way better to do.


   I am not gonna look back to see what I already said cause I am in that kind of mood. If I repeat myself, my apologies. Where do i start? Ummmm
Yeah, my gut is royally fucked. I am back on the Vanco on a loooooooong taper (day 25 I think) and it isnt working. My colitis is so bad, I feel like I am in a tight corset. If you add in that is humid as all get out, that is a recipe for some asshole comments coming out of my mouth. I am not happy and there is no positivity.  I see the gastro next week.


   Let me break it down for you. You all know I am slowly falling apart over here. This past month I have been told that the C-diff is being resistant because of my Type 2 diabetes. It doesnt matter that I am eating ketogenic now. The damage is done. I was told that my eyesight is fine for my age and my IIH is not messing with my optic nerves but my problem is Cataracts. Yes! I am a 47 yr old with cataracts so bad that they are effecting my vision. I have a check up in a year but if they bother me more before then, I have to come in. There will be surgery in my future for this. He kept saying *47 yrs old*. It is because of my diabetes also. High blood sugars can accelerate their growth. Good thing I changed my eating but not soon enough.  My hips need PT. I start this week. We know I have bursitis but he thinks i have a ball/joint issue. After PT, if they feel I need more help, I will have to have a MRI <---oh joy!

   Ummmm...Friday at the vet, Perla had a full on seizure in my arms. I thought she was dying. After that, it was decided it would not be safe to give her oral surgery. So I have two dogs (perla and Lu) that take meds to keep them alive but eventually I will have to put them down. My friend loaned us her car while ours was being fixed (rotor repair became a clusterfuck that cost $580 more). Someone crashed into to it while we slept. Bumper is fucked. It is scratched. The car is 10 yrs old so it only has liability. So to be a good friend, we are paying half. Another $200-300. We know it was the bitch daughter across the street cause she has a big long silver gash on her passenger side of her car. But we cant prove it. I am done talking to those people for life now.

In the midst of all that, I keep having pleasant dreams about my good sister/friend that dumped me two years ago. I am blocked so I cannot talk to her. So I just get to be sad everytime I have one of those dreams. And realize she has moved on and my subconscious is a pathetic loser.

 Life for me sucks. And if somebody tells me that I can overcome or I am not trying hard enough or Jesus will heal me...they are gonna get lambasted. How about I dump all this shit on YOU and then I could go have a nice day at the beach. How about that? I just wish I didnt have so much weighing on my mind. It is so exhausting sometimes. I see other people`s faux lives on FB and wish I could have a faux life too. Full of bars, fancy dinners, cruises, trips, get togethers, wine tastings, and all the fun things they seem to be able to cram into their perfect little faux lives. My hightlight of today was watering the garden and harvesting some Bok Choy. Woohoo!

It is heatwave territory for us here now. I do have a nice even tan going. There is no pale upper arms for me this year. I have been wearing tank tops every chance I can get. Sucking up all that Vitamin D. I would go to the beach today but I got that whole gut/corset thing going on.


If I could just be happy and maybe get some happy surprises along the way, that would do me a solid in life. It is just one long stretch of the Matrix until I leave this place.
Wow, that does sound really ominous, huh? I am just in a long stretch of pain with heat on top so I am moody.

I will try to be positive the next time.

The dog needs a hygentist

*243*

    That up there is one of my kohlrabi at the community garden. I have never grown one or eaten one for that matter. It is like a radish crossed with a turnip. It is used in alot of Indian cooking. It can also be eaten raw. Here are the stats on this alien veg....Kohlrabi.

  The garden is actually doing really well. We have had some big rain storms the past couple weeks so it has helped with keeping the plants lively. I think we will have a bumper crop of tomatoes this year. I also have a shit ton of Leeks. I love leeks and I hope others do too cause there are going to be alot of them. 

 Perla is in peril. She is are almost 9 yr old chihuahua. She has heart issues and her teeth are in bad shape. She has a root infection in one of her big front top teeth. The vet knows we dont have a oil well out back so are going to be conservative. We cant afford a eckocardiogram. He says her heart sounds better then the last time. There are risks involved if we do the surgery...she might die. She will most definitely die if she doesnt get her teeth taken care of.  He says we have between 2-6 months to save up. It will be about $900 total for all her teeth to be cleaned, pull any that have to be pulled, and reinforce the rest. We can save that in 3 months if we are frugal-er. The antibiotic will kill off the bacteria but it will come back. That is the 2-6 month window.  She ate after the shot. She ate this morning and got her first dose of meds. So far no tummy upset. That is a good thing. She is my butt warmer.

Stress has to become my middle name or I should just tattoo it on my arm with the rest of them. There are so many urgent things that have to be done now. I just try to chip away at the most imperative...perla and ruby has to go back to have her teets looked at and possibly another round of cipro for her. I let other stuff go until I have the money, like the fridge with the door gasket that is shot or this laptop that is slowly limping to it`s death, minus the letter n. Plus you add in all the health bullshit, and I am just a joy. Most of the time I just keep it to myself. Why stress everybody out? I tend to catastrophize shit anyway. The bills will get paid. There will be food.

 As for my health, I am at bargaining.  The crap that is life. You wake up one morning and your life has changed forever. I had that happen with the fibro, diabetes, CFS but I learned to handle it. Go with the flow. Take it easy and life will have fewer bumps.
Then this whole skull/brain tide rolled in. Like a fucking tsunami.  I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. 
Who would have thought it would have been steel toed?
 Most days I am fine. If I stick to the low sodium, take my meds, and drink plenty of water.  But these storms and rainy days are awful. I can barely function and the brain squeeze makes me mean. Very mean. I just feel so alone with this sometimes. I cant enjoy a simple walk in the woods because the simple fact of all the trees is too much stimulation for my skull defect/vestibular issues.

Think about that for a moment. A quiet walk in the woods makes me sick because of the sunshine filtering through the leaves. The closeness of all the trees and brush on the trails. Something you take for granted, makes me sick and ick. Once we leave the forest and enter the clearing to leave, the symptoms subside.
Same goes for crowded eateries, grocery stores (sometimes), big gatherings of people. I am supposed to go to a All School Alumni dance next month. I have a old girl friend as a date. I have got others going. It will be a big thing. I want to go. I bought tickets. I am scared shitless.

That is my life now.

Yeah...I am just a bunch of fun, huh?  Today is a okay day. I am gonna get some dinner stuff and make some cupcakes. Kid #2 will go with me to the store. 

Lemon cupcakes! Mmmm!
I will post recipe maybe if I think about it.