Stupidity to the highest degree

*235*

  I am late. I am late. For a very important date! I had the Mother of all migraines on Monday and it settled in until yesterday. I am not 100% today but I am functional.  We shall see how far I get before my head says No bitch and I have to end this. The 4th Nor`easter we had planned for yesterday was a major bust. It did finally snow in the evening but when we woke up in the morning, the hard surfaces were clean. No shoveling!! My hope is that will be THE last snow storm until like late October or November. Go snow. Just go. Easter is so close and we need some warmer weather so we can wear our sun dresses and sandals. *** I left to drop off Kid #2 at work, I seasoned these pork rib tips (in fridge) for dinner, and I ate a half a sleeve of Dos si dos.***

   Let me just get right to it. I had gotten an email last Friday stating that it was my MRI and mammogram results. My appt with the Boob surgeon wasnt until yesterday (which was cancelled because of the non snow). I was stupid and looked at the results. The radiologist found one thing in each breast. They are labeled as possible malignancies. Right Breast : There is a 9 mm mass with irregular borders seen at 1:00, anterior depth, approximately 3.4 cm from the nipple. It demonstrates washout enhancement kinetics and is minimally T2 hyperintense. Left Breast:  There is an area of nonmass enhancement seen just posterior to this, at 12:00, posterior depth. It measures approximately 3.3 x 3.2 cm in biaxial dimension. It demonstrates persistent and plateau enhancement kinetics.
It has been suggested that I have core biopsies on both breasts. I have a appt with the surgeon tomorrow (Friday). I will tell her that I was stupid and read the report. She will tell me what she has to tell me. The scary part is the Mammo. They did not do a 3d tomo mammo on me at this particular facility. The mammo says my breasts look fine. They look FINE! So yeah. More fucking breast biopsies and who knows what else.
  Then I get the report back from the Upper Endoscopy. It says I have Barretts Esophagus. That is your next step before the next step is esophageal cancer. I know I am stretching but I never wanted to be diagnosed with BE. I cannot take PPIs and other GERD meds because my past Cdiff. Screwed I am, arent I?
 My pharmacist suggested looking into Autophagy. Basically water fasting. You do not do it for long periods of time at first. Slowly over the months before you build up to longer fasts. I am supposed to eat Keto also when I am not water fasting. This is the way to try to stop the madness that is my body. Or give up and let it take over.  I am basically not going to be able to take the Methotrexate for my PA because I will probably be put on the cancer drug I talked about before. Then I will have to be put on a anti depressant because I will go into instant menopause. This is just too much shit for me to take in.

  I have put a hold on my job search for now. It is depressing that no one wants to even interview me. It was really getting to me. Plus, who knows what is going to happen after tomorrow. Biopsy results could be ugly. I dont want this. I dont want more surgery. I do not want to take a medication that will put me into menopause, make my hair fall out, and leave me being the most unsexiest thing on the planet. I do not want to have to limit foods so drastically so that I can live longer. It isn't fair. I have the most pitiful medical chart. So many illnesses. So many surgeries. So many allergies. Now, I will be in full blown menopause and I will have to lose weight while I am doing it and stay away from high carbs. That will be FUN.

  This is becoming a very sad rant post. I have held this information in for over a week. I only told two people because they are my cancer people. They have had breast cancer so I can fall back on them when I have questions. I dont want this. I dont want this. I dont want this.


I wasn't going to unload all this but when I came home from dropping her off, I got the gastro results in the mail. I am a little over the edge with all of this. I figured there are maybe 3 people and a couple bots that come on here to read my drivel. It is nothing great. Just my life diary that I have laid open for anyone to read and poke fun at if they so choose to. This is a safe place for me. I can say what I have to say and no one is going to comment...ever. I may have breast cancer. I may have another radial scar on the left that will have to be removed. What will the breast look like then? Does that raise my breast cancer risk %? Should I think about Mastectomy? Do I want to go that radical? I may have to with no choice. If that happens, do I want reconstruction or just leave it be and get a tattoo?
  Will I become an awful mean person with no hope while I am stripped of the last of my estrogen? Will my marriage survive it? If it doesn't, will I survive if that happens?  I might not want to.

Add all of this plus the daily struggles of having no money and trying to figure out how to pay for things. It is just too much for one person. Everyone says how strong I am. Sometimes I just wish I could not be. Why do I always have to so strong? When do I get permission to fall apart?

I will stop this said list of What Ifs. I may post tomorrow or the next day if I am up to it. If I do not, I will definitely post on Monday or Tuesday. Some way, I will let you all know what is going on.

Have a good week and pray for some warmer temperatures.

High Five!

No Cancer!

I have to start taking a pill for the constipation. He does not know why I am in pain. If the pain does not go away with it, then I will have to cross that bridge when I comes. I have 3 months to give the pill a try. He upped my omeprezole for my GERD too.
 This is a very good day!

Snowy Saturday

Not my Jeepo

It snowed! And I went out and drove in it by myself! And I did not die! Woot!  I had to go out yesterday morning for something that I could not cancel. So I pulled up my big girl pants, brushed the snow off the Jeep, put her in 4 wheel drive, and went on my way. It was still snowing, many places had not been plowed at that point, and I was not scared. It felt so good to be *independent*. I am not afraid anymore. There wasn't anyone to whine too while I was driving so I just did it and I did it well. Today the snow is melting. It is close to 50 deg F outside and we do not even have the heat on. I will probably use the shovel later on to push it out of the way from the cars.

  I have to start the low residue diet on Tuesday for my tests. It is coming up quick! I have been waiting so long to get some answers and now the day is coming and I am a bit nervous. Like I do not want to know! It is probably nothing serious at all. Some bullshit disorder that I will have to learn to live with. This has been how I sleep at night. It isn't cancer. Because if it is, I am going to lose it. I do not think I could mentally handle all the comes with having cancer. The pain, the surgeries, and everything else. Nope! It has to be something else.
I think I am at some wonky assed denial stage. Whatever gets me through the day, huh?

I have more oranges to do for the damn marmalade. I have been doing them in batches and saving them in the fridge. When I have enough tomorrow, I will make it. I hate making it cause it is a pain in the ass. I will probably never make it again.
Hope you have a great weekend. I am going to spend mine cleaning.

Whole lot of honesty..Warning!

Remember Tab? I remember my Mom drinking it back in the 70s at the beach. If I  think back in my brain I vaguely remember what it tasted like. Maybe not. I have been drinking Diet Pepsi for a long time. I did not drink it for the *diet* factor in it. Regular soda was just too sweet for me. I do not remember when it started but it was before I had kids.

Anyway....it has surfaced recently that diet soda is hurting my stomach area also. NOOOOOO! My one true vice of Diet Pepsi and I have to stop drinking it? I noticed that I was not drinking it every day. I would at least have one cup with dinner. I went like three days and then I went on a Pepsi binge on the third day. It is because the stuff is hurting my gut. I want it so bad that I hold off till I cannot take it anymore. Coffee has become the enemy too. I am down to drinking one small cup a day. And that takes me forever to finish. Sucks Ass! I have realized now that it is basically everything that hurts my gut. Not just that list I posted. EVERYTHING HURTS NOW! I have to drink a laxative every day so that I can go inefficiently. I wait till I cannot take the hunger pains anymore and then I will eat something.  Fred and I were each eating a small slice of cheese pastry. I had like one bite left and I couldn't eat it if you promised to give me a $100. He looked at me weird. I felt weird. I could eat a whole large grinder (sub/hoagie) to myself and now I cannot eat this small slice of danish? I went to the grocery store yesterday to pick up a couple things for dinner. I was in there probably a total of 15-20 minutes. I started feeling hot and sick. My stomach started to hurt. I ended my trip, went to cash out, and left. I notice that if I am in the car driving for a bit, my stomach starts to cramp/hurt. So now non physical activities hurt. I find that I get tired faster especially doing housework. Going up and down the stairs never bothered me but now it makes me have to sit down and rest.  It is not just in the right side anymore. It is right upper, right lower, and left upper AND both sides of lower back and right side of upper back.  My clothes are starting to hang. Pants that my fat ass could NEVER fit into, I can button and zip. Too tight still to wear but give it some more time and I will be sporting them by Spring. I am a human clusterfuck.
 I am scared.
I am scared because this is probably something serious. It has come on all of a sudden. The symptoms have been getting worse and multiplying as the weeks go by. I am worried one day that I wont be able to poop at all. There could be a partial blockage. That indicates cancer. Or I could have some awful disorder that will render my life shittier than it is now.
Which would you rather in this situation?
 I do not say these things to friends and family cause I do not want to freak them out right now unnecessarily.
But I have all the symptoms and signs of colon cancer. Even the ribbon poop. That was interesting to look up but once you see it, you know it is not normal. The only thing I do not have is blood. And I know that sometimes you never know you are bleeding until they do an occult test.

 I think I want to document these things so that I do not forget. If you do not want to read it, that is fine. I just have to post this stuff. I was holding back because I got criticized for sharing. Supposedly my life is supposed to be about butterflies and kittens for some damn reason. Not everybodies life is picture perfect. Some people get the shittier end of the stick for whatever reason. If they keep that stuff to themselves all the time, they will go nuts. This is the most benign place to share for me right now. I wont stress out my family with my symptoms and I can get shit off my chest.  And maybe someone else will read it and say, Hey..that is going on with me too. I may not have cancer at all. It might just be some disorder I will have to deal with. I know from reading that it is probably not  Crohn`s or diverticulitis. I do not have diarrhea at all. I wish I did. It would be better then this slow moving train.
I have to wait exactly 14 days from today until my roto rooter is done. I notice that my life now is separated into 2 week increments. Hurry up and wait two weeks!

I have this massively big grocery bag full of blood oranges. I NEED to suck it up and make the damn marmalade today. Those oranges cost me money and I will be pissed if I let them go to waste. Today i am going to clean the kitchen up and at least section all the fruit. If I can do that, I can make the jam tomorrow. So I think that is good for me. Separate it into two days so that i do not become overwhelmed.
Natalie will help cook dinner tonight. Chicken Alfredo. I am going to make a light tomato sauce for myself to have chicken in there with the pasta, sauce, and grated Parmesan. Nom Nom Nom.

That is what is going on in my head right now. I wish I did not have to wait 2 weeks. Two weeks is alot of time of thinking. And letting whatever is going on in my gut to ferment or grow. I just wish it was sooner.

Okay, I hope I did not totally bum you out. I had to let it go though. Thanks for listening,

I just shake my head

 It is not my gallbladder. YAY!
I have to do a few things from now until March 11. I have to drink milk of magnesia to help with my poop shoot and it will help with the acid reflux. I have to have a bunch of blood work done tomorrow. I have to let him know if I get to feeling worse then I am now. And on the 11th I will have a double procedure of endoscopy and colonscopy. 
 There was mention of colon cancer.
 I am going to try really really hard to ignore it. Really hard!

The next few days I think I will blog about gardening or some shit because I cannot with this shit. NO!

Is that the sun?

Do you see the fish fingers and custard?

*267*

No cancer! No hyperplasia! I am good for now, so said he. I have to have a biopsy again in 6 months. We are going to watch all of this. As for my ovarian cysts, I have an ultrasound at the end of March. If it has gotten smaller or disappeared, good. If it is bigger, then we will deal with it. So today all is good. I have been told to keep track of my periods and my pain. We shall see if one has to do with the other.
  So today I am washing laundry and making the house smell somewhat nice. Chelsea is at work till 4pm. Fred works till 11pm. Natalie is on the couch. hmph. It is a beautiful day out there but it is cold. And I do not do cold. So I will stay inside and be domestic. I will feel good that right now, today, I have nothing to worry about. I am having that stomach emptying study done on Tuesday for the gastroparesis

As for the sticker on the Jeep.. That is a Doctor Who sticker and only Whovians would get it. I hunted online for another kind of DW decal for the car because we saw one on a vehicle one day. This is not what we saw but I like it much better. It is mysterious! LOL
So if you see a white Jeep Liberty Sport with this sticker on the back, it is mine.
Oh, the 11th Doctor likes to eat Fish fingers (fish sticks) and custard together.