I need some blueberries in my life

*239* <---home scale

 There is a revealed recipe this morning from the guy that was the Baker at the Jordan Marsh (remember that?) in Boston. I had to snag the recipe to share. It looks like a standard muffin recipe but he used to use half bread and half pastry flour. I have to get some supplies to give this a try.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter
2 cups flour (unsifted, blend of bread and pastry)
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 cups blueberries
2 teaspoons sugar (for tops)
1 teaspoon vanilla
On low speed, cream butter with sugar until fluffy. Add eggs one at a time and mix until blended. Sift dry ingredients; add to eggs-and-butter mixture, alternating with milk. Mash 1/2 cup of berries and stir into mixture by hand. Add the rest of the berries whole and stir by hand. Grease muffin tins well with butter; grease the top surface of the pans as well. Pile mixture high in each muffin cup, and sprinkle the sugar over tops.

Bake at 375 degrees for 30 minutes.


Blogger tells me that I am a lonely bitch.  It looks like absolutely nobody reads here anymore so I either scared you all away or blogger screwed something up. I dont know how to even begin to figure it out. Eh. It isnt like I am not used to talking to myself anywho. And I have only one person that gives me feedback so if you are out there, I really do not know it.

  I am not feeling better but I am not feeling worse. That is a plus. Believe me. I am not feeling like a major sad sack today. You can put away the hotline numbers. I have depression and sometimes when TOOMUCH is going on, it will intensify. I am always depressed but I keep it on a even keel. The weather is starting to even out a bit which also helps With that comes allergies but that is part of living for some and I have my generic Zyrtec. I am just going at life one day at a time. I have to. I aint going no place voluntarily at this point. :)

  With that. I have to say that my new attitude lately has been for the good. I dont have to please anyone but myself (and the man). I have been just thinking of myself and saving money at it. I went out to get myself a iced tea. I would usually buy one for each of us. Instead, I bought two...for me. Yeah, that felt good. There was no guilt felt there at all. I had decided that this year was the beginning of it being about just me and the man. We are done raising our children. They are grown now whether they like it or not. The iced teas was a symbol. I am gonna do what I want for us. Freedom! But it is already April, and it had not happened yet. That is about to change.

   I have a list of things taped to the wall in front of me that I have to do. Taxes are at the top. Those will be done this Sunday while I cook. But there are other things. I did a really good job of thinning the herd in my closet. I had two bags full and I had two baskets to go through. Then I ran out of steam. Those two bags have to go to the donation center for Sunday morning. So I have to finish going through the rest of my clothes before then. I am hoping that today is that day! LOL

   Lu has actually been doing a smidge better. The 3rd pill has started to kick in. I am under no delusions that she will live to a ripe old age but if she can live past the summer, I would be happy with that.

  There was some good news this week. My Mammo ultrasound came back negative. Yay! I am slowly teaching Ruby to go out on her runner without me watching her. Yay! And some other good stuff that I aint gonna say cause I have to keep some shit to myself. Yay!

  Okay..gonna finish this coffee and clean the kitchen.

TGIF and I hope you have a sunny weekend.


  

 

Go away Flare!

*240* <-----new scale says that this. I still like the one at the gastros!

This is going to be a sad vent. If you don't want to get into that, just skip along. :)

  Did I share this tattoo? The bestie and I went and got matching tattoos sort of. It is a ying yang symbol with koi fish. I requested the white one because I was never a wild child but she was. It fits perfect for the two of us. It was a nice surprise from her because she had stopped getting tattoos a couple years ago. It makes me feel honored.

  I am doing this on the iPad for two reasons. I hate that laptop that I have never replaced and I am going thru Fibro flare so I am in bed most of the time. I have had that Dell for 7 yrs possibly more. It is like I want to see how long it is gonna last me. It was a big lemon when we first got it. I had to have it worked on a few times over the phone/remotely. It still is missing the letter N. But I made it work cause we have had so many financial shit storms in the past few years and nobody was just gonna hand me a new one.  I am not special like that...never have and probably never will.  I tend to be one of those that will give you the shirt off my back, my last $5, and always remember you on your birthday. In return, I am forgettable at best. My whole life. I think that is just part of my Lott. Sickly and left out. Mother's Day will be another Sunday as per usual.

   This post has turned from benign to sad real quickly. Eeks 

   I have to admit, I am very depressed and it is starting to show. My mask is slipping. I haven't been going to therapy because we haven't reached our deductible and I cannot afford to owe more people.  The dog, taxes, my health, the stress of adult kids in the house, the house needs work, the house is a mess and I get minimal help.. I have said it before, sometimes I think somebody has put a bad juju on my head. How can so much happen to one person? And don't say that bullshit that if I am positive, only positive things will come to me. Basically cause I am a born pessimist, I deserved to get cdiff, and cranial leaks, and IIH, and diabetes, and vertigo..there is more as some of you know. Because I am not a positively glowing burst of happiness, I just keep getting the shitty end of the stick. 

Nah, I just think that I possibly am a horrible person to somebody and they are giving me what they think I deserve. Or I have absolutely rotten genetics. Or God is piling on the shit to really see how much I can handle.

 I think something is going on with the right side of my skull. Sharp pains in the mastoid area. I haven't said anything to the family and I haven't made appointment to see the neuro. I am not leaking. I just think I want to ignore it for now. I just can't deal with one more thing. That is how badly depressed I have been getting. I have been getting weird muscle spasms in my arm, leg, and face. But I was told it isn't neurological. Three doctors think it is vitamin deficiency. I am already on Mag, Vitamin D, and B-12. Not working for the spasms at all. 

I have a deal with my therapist that if I start thinking dangerous thoughts, I will let her know. I am not thinking that way so all is good. I would love to have some peace from all the pain and suffering but I think I would be too chicken to do that. I fear I would fuck it up, mess up my brain, and end up in a nursing home. Not want to be worse then I am already.

  

   I know that I am not going to get those raised beds in my front yard this year. They are procrastinators. They should have never even got my hopes up. I paid for the beds at the community garden this week. I hate growing there but I don't have any other options right now. I dislike it because I have to drive to get there. I am sick 75% of the time so the thought of driving there every day is too much for me. So the beds become neglected. But I have them, I am going to do one bed as all kale and Swiss chard. One bed will be tomatoes. And the third bed I haven't decided. I will most definitely have to weed them, turn them, and top them with compost by myself. It is always either by myself, with someone that doesn't want to be there, or with someone that does but they use that day as a get out of doing anything else for a month. 

I would rather just do it myself.

  Lu is on three meds now for her heart. I know that the end is near. She will either die on her own or I will have to bring her in to be put down. I am doing this one day at a time. I will not prolong her suffering. Once she cannot do things for herself, I will do right by her. The man suggested that I could get another small dog like her. I will not. Perla is 10 yrs old and who know how many more years she has. It will just be Ruby and the cats after awhile. I don't want my heart broken too many more times in my future.

  I have so many chores that need to be done and I just lay here. Fibro flare is painful. And we have a wintery cold snap going on here in New England so it doesn't make it better. I am just gonna lay here. Lu is quietly sleeping and I am happy for that. She has some peace when we lay in the bed. 

At least one of us does,