Stupidity to the highest degree

*235*

  I am late. I am late. For a very important date! I had the Mother of all migraines on Monday and it settled in until yesterday. I am not 100% today but I am functional.  We shall see how far I get before my head says No bitch and I have to end this. The 4th Nor`easter we had planned for yesterday was a major bust. It did finally snow in the evening but when we woke up in the morning, the hard surfaces were clean. No shoveling!! My hope is that will be THE last snow storm until like late October or November. Go snow. Just go. Easter is so close and we need some warmer weather so we can wear our sun dresses and sandals. *** I left to drop off Kid #2 at work, I seasoned these pork rib tips (in fridge) for dinner, and I ate a half a sleeve of Dos si dos.***

   Let me just get right to it. I had gotten an email last Friday stating that it was my MRI and mammogram results. My appt with the Boob surgeon wasnt until yesterday (which was cancelled because of the non snow). I was stupid and looked at the results. The radiologist found one thing in each breast. They are labeled as possible malignancies. Right Breast : There is a 9 mm mass with irregular borders seen at 1:00, anterior depth, approximately 3.4 cm from the nipple. It demonstrates washout enhancement kinetics and is minimally T2 hyperintense. Left Breast:  There is an area of nonmass enhancement seen just posterior to this, at 12:00, posterior depth. It measures approximately 3.3 x 3.2 cm in biaxial dimension. It demonstrates persistent and plateau enhancement kinetics.
It has been suggested that I have core biopsies on both breasts. I have a appt with the surgeon tomorrow (Friday). I will tell her that I was stupid and read the report. She will tell me what she has to tell me. The scary part is the Mammo. They did not do a 3d tomo mammo on me at this particular facility. The mammo says my breasts look fine. They look FINE! So yeah. More fucking breast biopsies and who knows what else.
  Then I get the report back from the Upper Endoscopy. It says I have Barretts Esophagus. That is your next step before the next step is esophageal cancer. I know I am stretching but I never wanted to be diagnosed with BE. I cannot take PPIs and other GERD meds because my past Cdiff. Screwed I am, arent I?
 My pharmacist suggested looking into Autophagy. Basically water fasting. You do not do it for long periods of time at first. Slowly over the months before you build up to longer fasts. I am supposed to eat Keto also when I am not water fasting. This is the way to try to stop the madness that is my body. Or give up and let it take over.  I am basically not going to be able to take the Methotrexate for my PA because I will probably be put on the cancer drug I talked about before. Then I will have to be put on a anti depressant because I will go into instant menopause. This is just too much shit for me to take in.

  I have put a hold on my job search for now. It is depressing that no one wants to even interview me. It was really getting to me. Plus, who knows what is going to happen after tomorrow. Biopsy results could be ugly. I dont want this. I dont want more surgery. I do not want to take a medication that will put me into menopause, make my hair fall out, and leave me being the most unsexiest thing on the planet. I do not want to have to limit foods so drastically so that I can live longer. It isn't fair. I have the most pitiful medical chart. So many illnesses. So many surgeries. So many allergies. Now, I will be in full blown menopause and I will have to lose weight while I am doing it and stay away from high carbs. That will be FUN.

  This is becoming a very sad rant post. I have held this information in for over a week. I only told two people because they are my cancer people. They have had breast cancer so I can fall back on them when I have questions. I dont want this. I dont want this. I dont want this.


I wasn't going to unload all this but when I came home from dropping her off, I got the gastro results in the mail. I am a little over the edge with all of this. I figured there are maybe 3 people and a couple bots that come on here to read my drivel. It is nothing great. Just my life diary that I have laid open for anyone to read and poke fun at if they so choose to. This is a safe place for me. I can say what I have to say and no one is going to comment...ever. I may have breast cancer. I may have another radial scar on the left that will have to be removed. What will the breast look like then? Does that raise my breast cancer risk %? Should I think about Mastectomy? Do I want to go that radical? I may have to with no choice. If that happens, do I want reconstruction or just leave it be and get a tattoo?
  Will I become an awful mean person with no hope while I am stripped of the last of my estrogen? Will my marriage survive it? If it doesn't, will I survive if that happens?  I might not want to.

Add all of this plus the daily struggles of having no money and trying to figure out how to pay for things. It is just too much for one person. Everyone says how strong I am. Sometimes I just wish I could not be. Why do I always have to so strong? When do I get permission to fall apart?

I will stop this said list of What Ifs. I may post tomorrow or the next day if I am up to it. If I do not, I will definitely post on Monday or Tuesday. Some way, I will let you all know what is going on.

Have a good week and pray for some warmer temperatures.

Snow Bound-ish

*225* <---I thoroughly admit I ate stuff. Back on the wagon!

    I hate this computer. I really fucking hate this old ass Dell laptop. It deleted 1 and 1/2 paragraphs. Poof! Those thoughts are just gone. I wish I had a rich aunty so that I could have a fresh new Mac sitting in front of me. A huge ass desktop. It is like I am talking about it so that maybe Santa is real and will bring it to me. I will die holding my breath!


  Yes, your eyes are not deceiving you. I am posting on a Saturday. It is snowing at a steady clip out there so we are in the house this morning. It will start to warm up (60s tomorrow..What!) and rain and melt. So we are gonna do our Saturday stuff tomorrow. I figured I am sitting here drinking my coffee, I could get this week`s blog post up. I am on my first cup so we shall see how coherant I actually am.

  I blame the weight gain on December and I had a coat on when I weighed myself. I have a local friend that eats Keto too and we had a good discussion about it. You eat healthy for all your meals and all day every day. But if something crosses your path like say a home made chocolate chip cookie..you eat it. Most keto people would blast me for that but that is their path and I have mine. If i do not relax about my food, this way of eating will become a issue for me. Hubs and I eat LCHF for all of our meals but since it is almost Christmas, if we are offered a small little something or I have to taste test a bon bon again and again and again, that is okay. For us. On another note, I can feel my collarbones. Yay!

  I have talked about Christmas dinner on here before but I have to type it out so I can look at it. I am getting no help with decision making. This is like a list that I can stare at and add to. I already have the ham. Yesterday I picked up a shrimp ring and that is in the freezer. We talked about doing brie cheese with crackers. This may or may not be wrapped in filo dough.  I also will do a small veggie platter with bodacious onion dip. I want a small batch of my pasta sauce with sausages braising in it. Mashed potatoes and mashed cauliflower of course. I am gonna probably do garlic green beans. We all want a repeat of the roasted bacon and brussel sprouts. ummmm. There was talk of a small veggie lasagna but that is too much work. Maybe for the new year. That is four sides. I will only eat like two of them cause I dislike green beans. I need to figure out another veggie side. 

  Of course, because of the work that we had done on the Jeep, money is tight this month. TIGHT! I have to wait till Friday December 23rd to go shopping for our dinner. Yup. And that is the same day that I go to Providence for my follow up with the transplant gastro. The train leaves at like 536am. I get into Providence at 7am. My appointment is at 830 am. It is just a follow up so that could be a half hour or so. I take a Uber back to the train station. The mall is right across the street. My train doesn't leave until noon so I will see if I can find a gift or three. Home by 1pm. Then I have to go to the grocery store and the pharmacy. I will be okay. I will have a list! I have shopped during worse times. I do hate too many people all in one place though so I may need an extra Ativan later.


  Oh yeah, the appt with the gut doctor. First off, his scales are off by like 8lbs and I love that. I weighed 215 at his office on Monday. I know they are wrong but it boosts your ego a little bit. So, he says that we have to wait for the cdiff to be gone before we can see if I have MC. When you are infected, a biopsy cannot tell you if it is UC, MC, or colitis from the cdiff. He showed me the results from a biopsy before that he gave me, before cdiff, and the MC was negative. It doesn't mean it isn't positive now but I have to wait for a clean biopsy. So probably sometime in January, we will do a colonoscopy and upper endo to check to see how everything is. I do feel like mega shit with foods. It could be colitis or it could be the healing process. I will have to just be patient.

 This Monday, I go to the spine center. I know that I will have to do another MRI but on my upper spine and neck. If whatever I have wrong is not immediately dangerous, I want to do PT, anti inflammatories, walking, and swimming if I can find a place that is close. That is all I will say on this for now cause I have no clues as of yet. 

  I miss Lu but it is getting better. It was hard this morning cause she was my little snow bunny. Perl wont go out. Ruby will just go out on the edges by the house to do her business. Lu would go right out in it, walk around, poop and pee, and come back looking like a dirty snow ball. I don't want another dog to replace her. I am leaning towards a kitten but not now. It will be a long while before that happens. But I would like another black cat. We haven't had one in 5-6 years. It is time. 

Coffee is cold, dishes are dirty, and I have said enough this morning. I hope you have a great Saturday. Get your shopping done!

Oliver looking at the storm