Ugly revisited

*245*

  I wanted to talk about a post that I had made two years ago called Ugly.  I was totally honest in that post. I have always thought of myself as very unattractive. When some guy ignored me because he wanted to be with one of my friends, I assumed it was cause I looked gross. I was shocked at how I could get a gorgeous guy to like me and to be with me for almost 30 years.
 Things have changed. He reinforces the beauty that he sees every chance he gets. He is giving me what I never got as a child. Being told I am beautiful. I still see the wretch in the mirror most times but ever so often, I see what he sees. He has slowly made cracks in that mirror for me. I will probably never classify myself as pretty or beautiful but I am doing better.
He loves me.

Aaaahh-Choo!!!! Merry Christmas Eve

*261* <----not bad.
I am here! I am here!
 Friday I started feeling scratchy and not so fresh. I should have stayed home but I went out to steak dinner with my friend, drank a couple mai tais, had a blast, and then felt like I was swallowing nails by the time I was ready to go to sleep. So I stayed in bed on Saturday and I stayed in bed on Sunday. I am still feeling crappy but better. I need to get up because there is food prep to be done for Christmas. A chill has settled on the area also. I think Winter has finally decided to make an appearance. Sucks! I was enjoying the warmer weather and that less electricity that we were using. I better pull out all my sweaters.
  Since I have not talked in a few days, I will just let this be a big run of subjects and you can read it or shake your head at me and move on. Let see. Remember when I said I wasn't going to buy any gifts for Christmas? It was going to be all about a great dinner and family? Well I did it! Sort of. I did not buy any gifts for us at all. But a friend of ours has small kids and there was not going to be a grand Christmas for the boys. I went out and bought them each a gift and then one big matchbox car thingy for the wall that is for them to share. I did spend but for a good cause. Fred has to work tomorrow which sucks but he has today off. I did not make any plans for Christmas Eve dinner. I have some fish I could fry. I have some shrimp that I can coat. I think we will be good. So between today and tomorrow I have quite a few things for eating. There is a big ham, roasted fingerling potatoes, baked mac and cheese, crockpot baked beans (which I have to do today), collard greens (need to be done today), Italian shrimp salad (today), pickle plate, cheese plate with soupy (type of sausage) and crackers, fruit salad, and a lemon chiffon cake. I that is alot of food but it will last a couple days and there are five of us.
  Fred and I are back on the health train. Remember I said that is is our last ham. We both need to lose weight. I have been slowly whittling it down but I need to really get serious. He keeps telling me how beautiful I am and before it used to bug me because I knew he was wrong but now I like it. I want him to be around longer so that I can hear it more often. Weird. I have labeled myself as ugly my entire life. He never knew that these entire 26 years until I said something. So it has been his mission in life to let me know every single day.  I saw your eyes roll. You can think I am ugly if you want. I really do not care. But the important thing is he loves me enough to change my lifetime of thinking. He is either wrong..I am ugly but he wants me to be happy. Or he is right. Who knows?

 
  It is freaking cold this morning down here by the computer. FUCK ME! I need to find one of my sweaters and stop dressing like it is April. There, that`s better.
 Basically I am going to be the kitchen bitch today. Cooking, cleaning, cooking, cleaning and then my leg will start to hurt.

I have to say that my ear surgery has given me back my want to do things. I have more focus. I am not as scatter brained. I am getting more done during the day and the family is noticing that. I am getting up, doing my morning rituals with the coffee and the dogs. But then I am not planted in front of the computer. I made all of that jam for one. I have been cooking every night practically AND cleaning up after. I am not sapped of energy so quickly. Granted, I will never be able to work again but I have a little bit of my life back after this infection was taken care of.
  As for me and the New year. I do not do resolutions. You know that. I am going to work harder on saving money so that we will not struggle like this year. This year was awful. Truly stressful. I do not want to go through that again. I am not going to get caught with my proverbial pants down. I am going to get locked boxes, save money, and tell the other adults in my life that they need to get a life. I am not financing it anymore.


I think I am done for now. Yup. I have to get off my ass and wash dishes and start cooking. I will probably not be on tomorrow. Have a great day tomorrow!
 

Ugly

*268*

Fred and I got on the subject of my interpretation of my looks last night. Do not ask me how but we can just start talking about the most random topics ever.
 I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I am ugly. I have a bulbous nose. And of course a fat face. But I hated my looks back in high school when I was thin. I was not given the kind of feedback that I guess I needed as a young child to realize that maybe I am not as hideous as I see myself. I do not care what you say to me, I will never change the way I feel. My only positive facial attributes are my eye color (hazel) and my long hair. That is about it.
Fred thought for the past 26 years that when I said I was ugly, that I was talking about my body. Now there are times in the past and sometimes now when I am disgusted by how I look. But not all the time. I want to lose weight for my health but otherwise, I am okay with how I am.  I lost the weight so that I could bend over and put my damn shoes on. That is why I started this shit in the first place. I had gotten over 300 lbs and I could not put my boots on, socks on, bend over to paint toe nails, and I felt disgusting. I lost 30ish lbs and I could live again! Now, I want to lose at least 50 more but you all see how wonderfully that is going.
hehehe

He was shocked last night. All these years and he was clueless that I perceive myself as an ugly person. I am not at the stage where I would like get plastic surgery to change it even if I could afford to. This is who I am.
Fred got upset. I told him he had to say that otherwise I would knife him in his sleep.

I do not know where I am even going with this post.

I just thought it was amusing that he did not realize that he had an ugly wife!

Being Pretty

*277*

I used to be pretty. Now I am not talking shit about myself in a depressive, oh woe is me kinda way. I am being honest. I used to be a pretty girl. I thought I looked like dog shit. I thought I was always fat even though I was painfully thin at some points (having no car and having to walk everywhere did that).  Some of us age wonderfully, others do not. I have been told that I look younger than I am. That I could not possibly have a 22 year old kid. Oh, look..you dont have any wrinkles or age spots.
 I do not see what they see, and half the time I think they are blowing smoke up my ass.  I have two things going for me. Genetics and Fat. Fat does not wrinkle and the women in my family age gracefully. I am thankful for that.
Why am I talking about this?
When I gained all the extra extra weight from the back surgery and quitting smoking..none of my clothing fit me, except for like one pair of pants and a few t-shirts. I refused to buy new clothing! NOPE! So I walked around like a fat, homeless person. That is an oxymoron.
One day I went to the Salvation Army and saw how I could buy really nice clothes for practically nothing and my attitude changed. After 22 years of being a Mother on this Earth, I decided that it was time for ME to look good. I always sacrificed for the kids and looked like hell doing it. Not anymore.
So I have been dressing nicer. My bum around clothes are actually nicer then my nice clothes back before I started doing this. I decided that I did not care what size I was..I was not going to be afraid of color or being ostentatious.  If I liked it and it fit me (and it wasn't too fucking young for me)..I was gonna wear it!
I go to the hairdresser. I have been taking better care of my skin.
But I am still fat. I still look in that mirror and I am fatty fatty 2 by 4. Now, I have accomplished a few things since this started. I am not afraid of the bathtub anymore. I can put my shoes. I can paint my toenails. I can fit behind the fridge door. These things were what drove me to lose some weight and inches. But I want to be pretty.
I know I cannot make magic happen..this was the face I was born with and my nose just keeps growing. Don`t you hate that, by the way? As your age, your nose and your ears continue to grow. I have my Mother`s nose. My Mother stares back at me from the mirror sometimes. Yup.
Yeah, this may read like I am making fun of myself but no, it is not.
I am just mad at myself for assuming I was an ugly ass all those years when I really was`nt. And now it is too late.