Forgive me for my tardiness

*234*

  Yes, I have breast cancer in my right breast. This is why I havent posted. I have been walking around in a bit of a fog. I had a MRI biopsy on my left breast yesterday. Next Friday I see the boob surgeon to talk about what those results are and what my journey will be. I have a Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC) that is Estrogen and Progesterone positive and HER2 negative <---that is very good. It is very small, about 9mm. If there is nothing nasty going on in the left, I will probably just have surgery and take the Tamoxifen for five years. But I do not know what is going to happen. We do not know if it is in my lymph nodes. We do not know what is in my left breast. So I have no more answers then what I just said.

  That is all I really want to talk about today. I am just not ready to engage with people. I have been working in the garden bed on the side of the house to get it ready for planting. I have been just keeping busy so I do not have to think about it. I just realized I had not posted and guessing there are some of you that were waiting to hear from me. I am sorry, please forgive me.

Ok. I will post when I think about it and I will let you know what is going on. I am going to go work on the chicken dinner I have planned.
Have a good weekend.

Easter is a-coming

*235*

  I am eating my breakfast as I type this up. Still feeling under the weather from whatever that virus was the hit me but it doesn't stop my gut from being hungry. I have got a smidge more then a month until my appointment with my GP and I have lost no weight. I am going to pull out all the stops starting yesterday. Keto all the way. I am not going to starve myself to lose weight though. Do not worry. I should have been doing this all along and I am a dummy (i say that to myself). I deserve to be told that I have to raise the amount of insulin that I take. Doesn't mean I will follow Doctors advice but I deserve to be told. He is gonna yell at me for not taking the Crestor. He and I both know I cannot take a statin. It gives me bad side effects. But I have high cholesterol. Part of me knows I should eat vegan but we all know that isnt going to happen. I do not like deprivation. I do not care if it will give me more years. I deprive myself every day of yummy foods and I cannot see myself not eating meats, eggs, and cheeses.  You see how well I am doing with losing weight for a Doctor`s visit is going.  Yes, I said I will not follow the Doctor`s orders when he raises my insulin. I am not walking around with super high blood sugars and I have lost damn near 65lbs in the past thousand years. I am going to just try to stay the fuck away from carbs and sugar. Stay away demons!

Saw the boob surgeon

   I had to reschedule my appointment because of a snow storm but I saw her that Friday after. She told me that she wanted to call me on the phone and explain what was found but she felt it would be better with visuals. Just the fact that she wanted to call me made me feel better but also made me go..oh boy.  She showed me the MRI of both breasts. The mass on the right is bright white and you can see the irregular margins. She said it could be a whole bunch of things. She rattled them all off and I do not remember. I said *or it could be cancer. * She said Yes but if it is, it is very very small. Then the other side is a big mass of non mass, 3cmX3cm. It could be a whole bunch of things from the most benign to ductal carcinoma. I am sitting here waiting for the hospital to call to set up appointment for a Ultrasound with possible biopsies. If they cannot see the things in question on ultrasound, I will have to have another MRI done and they will do the biopsies then. I do not want any biopsies at all. None. I hate them. They hurt me so much. Yeah. That is what is going on with me right now. Wondering if I have ticking time bombs in my breasts.

Trying....

  I am just trying to get by day to day. Money is extremely tight right now. I am hoping that it will get better. I am hoping that if I do have cancer, it does not need chemotherapy. Because I have my hustle and if I cannot do the hustle, we will be in serious trouble. I am trying to just get stuff done. There is so much to get done and there is only just me to do it. Yes, I know there are three other adults in this house but you all know my story. I do not have to repeat it to you. The things facing me at the moment....Install new Firestick. Taxes. New batch of kombucha. laundry. Mount clothes in my room. Bagging leaves and branches. Washing pots outside. Vacuuming. Wash the stairs. The list goes on and on. Oh, and I have to call Insurance cause that is all screwed up. But that can only happen after I drop my adult child off to work. Seriously..

April 1st


  I need to take the ham out of the freezer on Thursday. I have to go grocery shopping for all the food stuff for Easter dinner. We will have a veggie feast like years past. I will make a pot of mashed potatoes but I will not indulge. I will be happy with my meat and veggies. They want me to make lemon cupcakes with lemon cream cheese frosting. I will do it and it will be so hard not to eat one. OMG so hard. I did buy candy for baskets because I dont know why. I am trying really hard to stop doing things for them because they are grown assed people but then nostalgia hits and they bitch that they want a basket. Idk.

Ugh. I do not feel good. Feeling queasy over here. I also realize I have change to roll. We save our change, roll it (cause it is free), take it to the bank, and put it in savings. I probably only have about $50 but that is better then nothing.
I am going to go now. I am still in my jammies over here and I have to pick myself up and get some stuff done. yuck.
Have a good week and I will be back next week with some updates.

It is a gonna be a two coffee pod kinda day

This is Julien. Kid #1 calls him Bashir. Shout out if you get reference 

*236* <-----eating things I shouldnt it. Make it STAHP!

  It is 932am est and I have been up since 530ish am. We are in the midst of another Nor`easter here on the shore. They are saying we could get a foot of snow when it is all said and done. The snow was impressive earlier but no so much now. Unless we get some more banding going on, I think the thought of epic snowfall is a bust. We shall see.

   Again, I have missed too many weeks in a row and for that I am sorry. My past couple weeks have been very stressful. It always seems like shit storms comes in threes. I will break some of these things down, some I will not because I have to keep a little air of mystery about me. I will try to add a positive at the end of each thing because that is how I am trying to live my life. Except I have no postives to say about my computer life. First the iPad died. I cannot afford to replace it. Now I found out that this HP Stream that I bought for myself is a $200 piece of garbage. Windows 10 is too large for the gigs on this things so it has already out of memory (bought in January). I cannot update it at all. I cannot upgrade the memory because of the kind of memory it has. And you guessed it, I cannot afford to replace it. I still have the Chrome book as a back up when I can no longer use this one. No positives for this declaration at all. And we do not get refunds so a computer will not happen then. Oh well. Maybe the Apple Fairy will gift me. Probably not.

Can I get a discount card on Cat Litter?

  First up, you have probably seen the pictures of Julien on the IG feed. He has been Kid #2 and my secret this past month. This lady came into the office with her cat and the litter. The office was going to adopt one of the litter when they were ready because one of the vet cats passed away. All the girls (3 left) are very much older and they wanted to bring up a youngin while the girls were still around. Kid #2 asked me to come in and see the kittens cause they were so tiny. Julien is the runt. He had to be mine. We received him two weeks ago during the last storm. We also found out this week he contracted round worms from his mother (the whole litter did) but he had his first de-worming and he will be fine. He is a little spit fire. He leaps. He runs like the wind. Last week he weigh 1.86 lbs. He is too small to be so fearless but he is. It took about a week but everyone has adapted. I am now OFFICIALLY a crazy cat lady. I had no plan at all to get another cat. We had three. Dont need another. But it happened and we are happy. He is very lovey to everyone. He is black but he still has a bit of his fever coat. That will go away as the months go by.

 I am the IV queen

 Last week I had the upper endoscopy. Nothing impressive. No ulcers. I still have gastritis, esophagitis, and he noted my hiatal hernia. Biopsies were taken. I have not heard anything back so that tells me that all is well with that. But, the hernia is probably the reason I am having trouble swallowing. It can get it the point where it pushes up a little higher in your chest and can make you have difficulties. I am supposed to take care of my Acid reflux but I cannot take PPIs because of the Cdiff.  I will just deal with what I have gut wise. If the hernia ever gets too bad, I will have the surgery. But as for now, no no no.
  Yesterday, I had my Mammo and my boob MRI with contrast. That all went well too. Of course they cannot tell me anything. I have an appointment with the boob surgeon next week. Lets hope I hear NOTHING before that appointment. I want no phone calls about the scans. All is well and they found nothing.

 When one door closes, Another one opens

We found out that hubby`s last cleaning job was given to some other company. Nothing do with him or his performance. Just company restructuring. That left us with alot of money a month out of our budget. I lost it. Completely lost it. I remember my friend (and mechanic) said he had someone that had a cleaning company. Long story short, we will be making approximately 2/3rds back. Still money missing but not catastrophic. We can work with that and hopefully there will be more to come.
The paid internship fell through. They could not work around the rules of paying me so that fell apart. I had decided that I would never get my hopes up for a job again. Now I have a chance at maybe another paid internship with our local cable company. That is actually the first job I applied for and had not done so well on the phone interview. Not bad. Just inexperienced at it. Now I know how to do all that. The company actually does participate in internships so we shall see. They need workers. I need a job! Wish my ass luck cause I am really tired of applying for stuff.

Girl, you need to stop

Because of a bunch of stressful stuff, I have not been eating right. Bread. Noodles. Rice. Potato. Junk. Pizza! You name it, it is going down. I have to really do it now. My doctor is gonna raise my insulin at my appt in May. Now it is the middle of March and I have not lost a significant amount. I have a plan. I am going to slowly slack off from now until Saturday. Saturday I will be taking my first Methotrexate shot..did I tell you about this? let me look....I guess I havent. The rhemy changed my methotrexate from a pill to a shot so it does not effect my gut like the pill did. I had to wait till this cold was all over before I can take the first shot. So, Saturday will be the first shot and the first day back on LCHF fully. All the junk in the house will be gone/ I will have set myself up with good for me snacks and I will be ready to go. I have to lose at least 10 more pounds by the beginning of May. I will do this. I need to do this! As i eat a slice of leftover pizza for breakfast/lunch.
Crap! 49 days until May 1, 2018!

Housework sucks

  Since I am *snowbound* today, I am going to get some cleaning done. I have to change the hose on the sump pump (it sprung a few leaks). I have to water all the plants. I will do the plants after I finish up on here. They are priority. I have a few that cannot wait for Spring so that I can repot them. When you have a boisterous kitten, you realize how dusty your house is. Pulling stuff out and vacuum underneath is going to happen in the livingroom today. Has to be done. I will polish all the furniture in the there and I will be good till next week. Okay. I ate one small slice of pizza. I think I am going to throw the other two away. Not gonna eat them. Going...going...gone. I tossed it in the trash and smushed it in the trash. Not that I would ever ever never eat that now but I felt it needed that extra Fuck you for being there so that I would eat it.


Okay...it is really time for me to do some stuff. I hope all is well with you. Stay out of the snow if you can help it. And I will be back next week.

Living that plant life

*233*

     Last week, I purchased foil dryer vent tubing to replace the old shit we had downstairs. Whilst I was working on getting that attached, I realized that when the new furnace was put in...there is no room for the dryer and washer to leave when they die! We are going to have to break through the wall behind it and reconfigure shit. Not that bad since all the stuff is right there just have to turn shit around. But still. Fuckers! Plus, I was not successful getting the hosing attached because I am too short for the vent window and I am a quitter. Hubs attached everything for me, thank goodness.
 I did not need all that was bought so I returned said things back to Home Depot. That is when I spied this little girl (i just watered her.) She is a grafted Ruby Ball cactus. I paid $4.95 for her. I have done very well with cacti and some succulents so this is a good plant to add to the menagerie.

I do not like my new Gastro

   I said I was not going to talk about health so this will be brief. I am dealing with some gut issues. I saw the gastro yesterday (I miss my old gastro mucho) and after some talk it was decided that she is going to do an upper endoscopy on me on the 16th. Yay! I get to wait with 11 more days of pain and wonder. To be perfectly honest, I think I need a colonoscopy. It is a colon issue most definitely but she is the one with the degree. That sounds snarky, yes? See. The gastro that retired (she took over his office), he had been around for all my gut issues so when I would show up sick and in pain..he listened and he did what had to be done. This feels like I may end up in the ER at some point because she chooses to use the soft approach to things. I am going to probably have to look for another stomach dr at some point. We shall see. She actually asked me if I was depressed. Yes bitch, I have depression but I am not going to tell you that because you will not treat me. You will tell me to see my therapist for *warning! gross* pencil thin stools. Google pencil thin stools with stomach pain, gas, bloating, and nausea. I am thinking it is probably a polyp that has gotten large and needs to be taken out. But we will do an upper endoscopy cause she wants to look at my stomach. <---this is all the reason why I did not post yesterday. Kinda livid after that appointment

 Okay, enough of that. Food is a better subject

  No new pressure cooker yet but I did some research and I will probably be getting an Instant Pot this time. My gifter was waiting to get the money back from Amazon before she ordered me a new one. I have been dying to cook in it. Dying. Like I have no idea what I am going to cook today. I have to cook on the stove or in the oven. I would rather throw shit in the pot and forget it. I will not talk about that or the recipes that I want to try until I get my new one.  As for cooking, I am planning on making some chocolate covered coconut bon bons for Valentines day. I am also going to look up how to make like chocolate truffles cause Kid #2 does not like coconut. This and This link of recipes look good. I will do some more searching to find the right one.  Kid #1s birthday is coming up soon and I have to plan for that too. She does not eat cheese and limited dairy. We were thinking I could make a vegan cheese cake. I really need to sit down and look through our raw cookbooks. We have a couple of Ani Phyo`s cookbooks. They are good to have on hand when you are in the mood for a nice fresh meal. We have Ani`s Raw Food Kitchen and Ani`s Raw Food Essentials. I might cook dinner for her birthday also but I need to discuss with her what she would like to have.  Money is not what it used to be plus we are in the thick of snow season. Best to have a nice in home back up plan just in case of blizzard.

Walking for yer health

  I admit that I have not walked for a week but I will give you my valid reasons. I wanted to but my body said no. First it was because of the methotrexate, I think. I was having some major nerve pain in my foot, leg, and hip all last week. Like the kind that feels like cattle prod shocks. I was thinking I busted a cervical because I was having shocks in my arms too. Then I noticed I had pins and needles in my face. I realized that it was the dang pill. My psoriasis is disappearing but I adopted some gnarly pain instead. I am not really noticing any of my joint or back pain getting better but I digress. The weird nerve pain has subsided so I think it is just a side effect of the pill.  I did not take the pill yesterday because of my gut issues. I was told to stop it whenever I am sick.  So between the shocks and my gut, walking is not on my immediate horizon. I will try again in a couple days. Even if I can get a mile in, that will be better then nothing at all. Right? Like right now, My head feels like she wants to take a walk. But my gut is like *Bitch, you know better*.  I am still losing weight so I am moving in the right direction.

Bits and bobs

The stone mason is outside fixing a crumbling step as I type. It cost $50 so far. I wonder how much he is going to come at me for the rest. It best not be more then $100 or I will lose my shit.
 I have a dress and a shirt to do some sewing too.
I have a job interview for a job I probably do not want on Thursday. I will probably just go for the interview for the experience. I have a couple jobs that I have applied for floating out there that I really want. I think this one was one that my job coach applied for me in the beginning of our search. It is part time. I am looking for 32 hours or more. Working for 10 hours a week is a waste of my time when I need money. If I already had a job and this was a nice little filler job, that is different. I am not feeling it at all but I will show up and interview because they will be interviewing a bunch of people that day. Good interviewing learning experience
The kitchen is a disaster. When is it not? So I have to pick my ass up, take my medicine, and start dealing with that shit.

 I am sorry this mostly a negative post but my gut is sick. I am not in a good place to spread positivity. I mean, the cactus is positive. You can just read that paragraph over and over. :)
 I hope you have a great week. I hope we do not get a buttload of snow (maybe a little tomorrow) and I hope that I can get out there and walk!

Ta Ta for Now!


 

Trying to stay positive

*227* <---I gained 7 fucking pounds! That is not acceptable!*'


   I am trying really hard to be positive. The man has a telephone interview with unemployment next week. He is also going to go there to find out about help with job training and such like that. Now it is time to work it. We cannot afford for him to go much lower then what he was making. A couple dollars yes but any lower then that, and it is going to be very hard. I might have to go stiletto shopping.  On a positive note, it is almost 5pm est and the sun is still over the horizon. Every day gets a little bit longer.

  I have a crazy idea. Hear me out. I was thinking of applying to the USPS as a Rural Carrier Associate. That is what I used to do. All your work is basically sitting in the truck and delivering. Most of the mail is sorted for you, not like back when I was an RCA. You work every Saturday. Then you work any days your carrier wants off, and when they go on vacation. It isnt enough money to live off of but I can work for the Feds, be a Federal employee, and still collect my SS. I will never make over that certain amount that deems you ineligible. Unless I get my own route. Which is highly unlikely but it is nice to dream. I think I will find out where the testing center is for CT and decide if I really want to do that. Thoughts? I know I know. No comments hardly. On a positive note, I went to the new Aldi`s today in my area. LOVE IT. Bought some cheese.

  Well, that just made me burst into tears. The Neurosurgeon finally set up my MRI. Nobody let me know. It is supposed to be for this Saturday. This is to check on my cervical spine and to see why I have a weak pulse in my arm. I had to tell her that he doesnt work there anymore and we could not afford to do it. I have been waiting for over a month for that appointment and now it is nothing. Poof. I have to file for State Welfare insurance for me and hubby. I have no idea how to do that. At all. I worry every day. I have not told anybody but you all and a couple of friends. No one asks me how i am doing. I cannot even go to therapy to talk it out cause I dont have insurance to pay for it. If I get sick, I will just end up dying.  On a positive note, the snow outside is melting nicely. We will have a few warm ups coming up this week and next week.

  Yesterday was Kid #1`s birthday. She is now 28 years old. I made her a full sized Martha Stewart NY style cheesecake. We went out for dim sum lunch for her meal. She got to go to Lush and Sephora on her sister`s dime. She had a good time. We had the money set aside. No sense in making her birthday feel like shit cause life is imploding all over the place for us. Sometimes you have to just a little bit of normal to make everything feel okay. Even for a little bit. On a positive note, my grapefruit tree has sprouted a new baby. This is good news!

  That was the last birthday until October. There are no more excuses from here on out. I went to do my regular grocery shopping and picked up all kinds of stuffs to add fat into the diet so I do not fall head first into a loaf of bread. Like I did on Tuesday. My friend`s husband makes artisinal loafs of bread. I had never had before. I bought a loaf for the girls cause they dont really get bread at all anymore. OMG! Hubs and I ate some. It was divine! I have to be careful though and so does he. We dont have any health insurance. Being a diabetic with no insurance is no joke. On a positive note, I have a nice big pot of crack slaw cooking on the stove. I am using stevia in place of the brown sugar in the recipe. We can eat till we puke and it wont make the sugars go up.

    I think that is about all I have to say. I am quiet. Hardly anybody knows what is going on but the ones that do aint saying anything to me. So that makes me feel really special. I have yet to go through the stuff for Etsy and Ebay. Once I get out of this funk I am in, I will do it. I promise. You will see stuff up on there. I just am not feeling any kind of productivity at this point. I looked at the calendar and in next week will be two weeks since my telephone interview. If I am going to hear anything, it will be around then. I have to go pay my bill tomorrow. I will let the ladies up front know how far I have gotten. I hope I get it. I really do. I keep sending out positive thoughts so that it can happen.

Have a good weekend! I will probably post again on Sunday. I just felt like I needed to let some shit go and I have nobody to talk to so I just throw it up here for the world to read.

There goes the other shoe

  Some major life changes have happened since I posted yesterday morning. I am just gonna say it because why act like everything is okay. Because it is not. Hubs was terminated from his job of 28 years yesterday. I will not get into specifics because it is going to be going through grievance and such with the union. Maybe later on I can say stuff but not now. I hope you all understand.

Yeah. So I am a tacky bitch and put up a Paypal button. Think what you want of me but a girl needs to make some money. There is no pressure for any of you to donate. Maybe some stray person will come looking at one of my posts and throw me a dollar. I am just covering all my bases. Hubs can file for unemployment while we wait to hear what happens. I am going to get out of my ebay/etsy hiatus and sell my shit that I gots to sell. I am also thinking I might have to go back to work. Just a thought. My sick ass at work would be hilarious. But if I have to do it, I will.
Tomorrow I will return the cable boxes and turn off the cable. Internet has to stay cause we need entertainment and I have to use it to sell all the stuff around here. I am in survival mode. I do not know how long it will last till we find out if he gets his job back, they throw money at him, or he finds another position someplace. All is too raw for me to speculate. This is virgin territory for us. 28 yrs at the same place. He is gonna need career counseling.
We will have no health insurance. I think we have a month on his insurance. I want to get a rush on my cervical MRI to just make sure it is not something bad. If it is just nerve impingement, I can look up the PT exercises online.

So yeah, our life right now is pretty bad. As low as it can get. I guess we can only go up from here. Oh, and I figured out how to add my Instagram back as I was adding the Paypal button. Little miracles.
I am gonna get off here because I will start to blather on. It will snow today. 2-4 inches. Lesser for us. I am going to make some soup today. I am going to sort through my minis and antique stuff today. I will probably take pictures too. I think I will figure out how to add etsy to here too.

Okay. Wish us luck! I will still be here. Maybe more frequent to stress cry. I need to meditate.

Too much death circa 2016

*239*<----losing what I gained in mourning feasting

  People have told me this past week that when they heard Prince died, they thought of me. I am not an outward Prince fanatic by any means. If you didn't know me really, you didn't know that I loved this man from the moment I saw him. I guess when I was younger, I left a PrinceLove impression. He was beautiful. He was talented. He was shy. He was Prince. I had this picture as a huge poster on my bedroom wall above my bed. I had all his albums. I saw his movies, even the bad ones. I was fortunate to go to one of his concerts in the late 80s. Loved him and I am very sad. You can mock me all you want but I will be sad about his death for awhile. Taken too young. 

  I haven't been around this month because we had a death in our own family. My father in law passed away suddenly from a heart attack. He had just turned 64 the week before. We are all devastated. He was a wonderful man. He was funny, real, naughty, loving...everything you can think is what he was. He was given a military burial and a wonderful send off. He would have been tickled by all the love he was receiving at his home going. Hub's Mother is surrounded by her daughters right now so she is being taken care of Upstate. 

  This is why I have been a bit quiet this month. 

Today I am in bed. My stomach had been doing really well. I mean I still have to watch what I eat but for the most part, it had been good. I think I have been complacent with it all though. Funerals and mourning make you eat. I was baking all kinds of things for his repass and it was there for eating. I gained like 7lbs. I started back to healthier eating and then I *injured* my colon again. Growling, pain, nausea, feeling green, head is cloudy...the whole kit and kaboodle. Thank goodness my kefir is non dairy and doesn't have an expiration date. I had that this morning. I see the gastro in June and I will have to have an upper endoscopy to see how my gut is doing. If this doesn't settle down, it might have to be sooner. Ugh..

   I am trying to throw some positives in today. I bought a really nice 36" square heavy glass coffee table for $40. Love it! I finally found my coffee table. I got all the beds at the community garden ready for planting. It just needs to stop having frost and freeze warnings at night. I haven't even put my house plants out yet.

I made this cake for the repass. It was really really good. I also did a strawberry lemon cream cheese pound cake. Let me see if I can find the recipe.... http://noblepig.com/2016/04/strawberry-lemon-cream-cheese-pound-cake/

I am on my iPad so I cannot do the linky links like I do on the computer.  Isn't she pretty?

That cake was lightly sweet cake but the icing made it. If you make that cake, dry your berries well and let them be room temperature. It will help with the baking. I will make that cake again. I might do blueberries as the fruit. My friend helped bake. We made a shit ton of brownies. There was a lot of food to be had and I enjoyed it all. 

I have also gotten drunk off margaritas at Chilis twice. Once cause I was sad over FIL. Second cause my bestie had to put her mom in a nursing home and she wanted a partner in numbing. That was not good for my liver at all. I know it and I am a dummy.

I painted some of the pots already. These are all krylon spray paints. I have to pick up three more colors for the rest of the pots. I also have to get soil, herbs, and cherry tomatoes. That is what is going into all the pots. Thyme, rosemary, basil, lemon balm, and I don't know. Chives most definitely. They brighten up the back patio. Much nicer then what they used to look like. One can covers one large pot and one small pot with a little bit left over. I did not paint the entire insides. Just around the lip.

  

  I almost finished sorting all my clothes for keeping and charity. I have to go through my summer stuff. Unfortunately that isn't gonna happen today. The fam is getting irritated with the full garbage bags by the front door. I want to do all the donating at one time. One fell swoop! But I am going to stay in bed with my iPad and wait for death...hahaha. No really...it will be a long while till my gut starts to feel better again. I hate feeling *green*. Like at any moment I could heave. I don't have to but I always just feel sick. I guess I will lose that 7lbs. 

  On a happy note, I am waiting for the delivery of a new phone. I am getting an iPhone. Not the newest but that is okay. I think it is a 5s 16gig, from virgin mobile. My phone is bipolar and getting ready to die. It was time. They have a deal on the phone plus you get $100 credit on your account to pay for your monthly service which is $35 a month.  So yeah. I am getting a new phone. Woot! Hubs is salty about it. He wants one too. I will surprise him with one on Fathers Day. This is kind of like my Mother's Day gift to myself. Cause you all know how that holiday pans out for me. :p

  So yeah. I am trying to decide if I call the gastro or just lay here in my jammies to wait for it to go away. 

I hope all is well with all of you. Have a great week!

I need some blueberries in my life

*239* <---home scale

 There is a revealed recipe this morning from the guy that was the Baker at the Jordan Marsh (remember that?) in Boston. I had to snag the recipe to share. It looks like a standard muffin recipe but he used to use half bread and half pastry flour. I have to get some supplies to give this a try.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter
2 cups flour (unsifted, blend of bread and pastry)
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 cups blueberries
2 teaspoons sugar (for tops)
1 teaspoon vanilla
On low speed, cream butter with sugar until fluffy. Add eggs one at a time and mix until blended. Sift dry ingredients; add to eggs-and-butter mixture, alternating with milk. Mash 1/2 cup of berries and stir into mixture by hand. Add the rest of the berries whole and stir by hand. Grease muffin tins well with butter; grease the top surface of the pans as well. Pile mixture high in each muffin cup, and sprinkle the sugar over tops.

Bake at 375 degrees for 30 minutes.


Blogger tells me that I am a lonely bitch.  It looks like absolutely nobody reads here anymore so I either scared you all away or blogger screwed something up. I dont know how to even begin to figure it out. Eh. It isnt like I am not used to talking to myself anywho. And I have only one person that gives me feedback so if you are out there, I really do not know it.

  I am not feeling better but I am not feeling worse. That is a plus. Believe me. I am not feeling like a major sad sack today. You can put away the hotline numbers. I have depression and sometimes when TOOMUCH is going on, it will intensify. I am always depressed but I keep it on a even keel. The weather is starting to even out a bit which also helps With that comes allergies but that is part of living for some and I have my generic Zyrtec. I am just going at life one day at a time. I have to. I aint going no place voluntarily at this point. :)

  With that. I have to say that my new attitude lately has been for the good. I dont have to please anyone but myself (and the man). I have been just thinking of myself and saving money at it. I went out to get myself a iced tea. I would usually buy one for each of us. Instead, I bought two...for me. Yeah, that felt good. There was no guilt felt there at all. I had decided that this year was the beginning of it being about just me and the man. We are done raising our children. They are grown now whether they like it or not. The iced teas was a symbol. I am gonna do what I want for us. Freedom! But it is already April, and it had not happened yet. That is about to change.

   I have a list of things taped to the wall in front of me that I have to do. Taxes are at the top. Those will be done this Sunday while I cook. But there are other things. I did a really good job of thinning the herd in my closet. I had two bags full and I had two baskets to go through. Then I ran out of steam. Those two bags have to go to the donation center for Sunday morning. So I have to finish going through the rest of my clothes before then. I am hoping that today is that day! LOL

   Lu has actually been doing a smidge better. The 3rd pill has started to kick in. I am under no delusions that she will live to a ripe old age but if she can live past the summer, I would be happy with that.

  There was some good news this week. My Mammo ultrasound came back negative. Yay! I am slowly teaching Ruby to go out on her runner without me watching her. Yay! And some other good stuff that I aint gonna say cause I have to keep some shit to myself. Yay!

  Okay..gonna finish this coffee and clean the kitchen.

TGIF and I hope you have a sunny weekend.


  

 

Go away Flare!

*240* <-----new scale says that this. I still like the one at the gastros!

This is going to be a sad vent. If you don't want to get into that, just skip along. :)

  Did I share this tattoo? The bestie and I went and got matching tattoos sort of. It is a ying yang symbol with koi fish. I requested the white one because I was never a wild child but she was. It fits perfect for the two of us. It was a nice surprise from her because she had stopped getting tattoos a couple years ago. It makes me feel honored.

  I am doing this on the iPad for two reasons. I hate that laptop that I have never replaced and I am going thru Fibro flare so I am in bed most of the time. I have had that Dell for 7 yrs possibly more. It is like I want to see how long it is gonna last me. It was a big lemon when we first got it. I had to have it worked on a few times over the phone/remotely. It still is missing the letter N. But I made it work cause we have had so many financial shit storms in the past few years and nobody was just gonna hand me a new one.  I am not special like that...never have and probably never will.  I tend to be one of those that will give you the shirt off my back, my last $5, and always remember you on your birthday. In return, I am forgettable at best. My whole life. I think that is just part of my Lott. Sickly and left out. Mother's Day will be another Sunday as per usual.

   This post has turned from benign to sad real quickly. Eeks 

   I have to admit, I am very depressed and it is starting to show. My mask is slipping. I haven't been going to therapy because we haven't reached our deductible and I cannot afford to owe more people.  The dog, taxes, my health, the stress of adult kids in the house, the house needs work, the house is a mess and I get minimal help.. I have said it before, sometimes I think somebody has put a bad juju on my head. How can so much happen to one person? And don't say that bullshit that if I am positive, only positive things will come to me. Basically cause I am a born pessimist, I deserved to get cdiff, and cranial leaks, and IIH, and diabetes, and vertigo..there is more as some of you know. Because I am not a positively glowing burst of happiness, I just keep getting the shitty end of the stick. 

Nah, I just think that I possibly am a horrible person to somebody and they are giving me what they think I deserve. Or I have absolutely rotten genetics. Or God is piling on the shit to really see how much I can handle.

 I think something is going on with the right side of my skull. Sharp pains in the mastoid area. I haven't said anything to the family and I haven't made appointment to see the neuro. I am not leaking. I just think I want to ignore it for now. I just can't deal with one more thing. That is how badly depressed I have been getting. I have been getting weird muscle spasms in my arm, leg, and face. But I was told it isn't neurological. Three doctors think it is vitamin deficiency. I am already on Mag, Vitamin D, and B-12. Not working for the spasms at all. 

I have a deal with my therapist that if I start thinking dangerous thoughts, I will let her know. I am not thinking that way so all is good. I would love to have some peace from all the pain and suffering but I think I would be too chicken to do that. I fear I would fuck it up, mess up my brain, and end up in a nursing home. Not want to be worse then I am already.

  

   I know that I am not going to get those raised beds in my front yard this year. They are procrastinators. They should have never even got my hopes up. I paid for the beds at the community garden this week. I hate growing there but I don't have any other options right now. I dislike it because I have to drive to get there. I am sick 75% of the time so the thought of driving there every day is too much for me. So the beds become neglected. But I have them, I am going to do one bed as all kale and Swiss chard. One bed will be tomatoes. And the third bed I haven't decided. I will most definitely have to weed them, turn them, and top them with compost by myself. It is always either by myself, with someone that doesn't want to be there, or with someone that does but they use that day as a get out of doing anything else for a month. 

I would rather just do it myself.

  Lu is on three meds now for her heart. I know that the end is near. She will either die on her own or I will have to bring her in to be put down. I am doing this one day at a time. I will not prolong her suffering. Once she cannot do things for herself, I will do right by her. The man suggested that I could get another small dog like her. I will not. Perla is 10 yrs old and who know how many more years she has. It will just be Ruby and the cats after awhile. I don't want my heart broken too many more times in my future.

  I have so many chores that need to be done and I just lay here. Fibro flare is painful. And we have a wintery cold snap going on here in New England so it doesn't make it better. I am just gonna lay here. Lu is quietly sleeping and I am happy for that. She has some peace when we lay in the bed. 

At least one of us does,

Who needs food?

*232*


Low Fat (no dairy too)
Low Fiber
Low Sodium
Diabetic

 Oh yeah. That looks like a fun time. My breakfast/lunch included 2 eggs scrambled with no dairy or fat, 1 slice of white toast dry, and 8 oz of plain kefir. Dinner will be a half cup of white rice and I am going to try some ahi tuna. I will have to eat some cooked carrots which I hate hate hate but I dont want to get sick.
 The list is more extensive but I dont want to depress you. I have to also give up coffee. All the foods I shouldnt eat in the Fat and Fiber realm hurt me so badly. Bad enough that I will not cheat. At all. I promise.
I had my appt with the gastro moved up to next week cause I dont think I can suffer another month without seeing him.

That is all. I am moody and dont wanna talk. More at another time

Well that sucketh

*234* <---oh yeah. That isnt a typo


   Some shit went down this past week. I was hospitalized for a infection that I acquired during my surgery. It is called C-Diff aka It`s a Shit Storm! It was bad. And that is not an exaggeration. I woke up Tuesday around 3am with a low grade fever and chills. I bounced back and forth between 99 and 100. I dont get fevers so that is unusual. Diarrhea ensued. I figured it was part of my healing and the stool softener I took cause the Oxy screwed me up in my gut. Oh no no. It was much worse then that. 
  Hubs took me to the ER at 4pm. Long story short...I had 102 fever, 135 tachy heart rate, and dangerously low blood pressure. They admitted me into isolation at 1am. I stayed until Thursday afternoon. I am on high dose antibiotics to kill the spores in my intestines with live culture probiotic to keep it that way. 
  That is the first time i ever felt like I might die. I didnt like it. The way the nurses and Doctors were acting, I count myself as lucky. C-diff kills. I am not elderly but I have a compromised immune system. I could have died. I am still thinking about that. I have decided that I am not going to let moss grow beneath my ass anymore. 
  The hubs is all over me which I like. He realizes that it could have been my final exit too. It is not time for that yet. We have to have some fun first.

  So, I am on a bland diet and I eat very little. It could be a month up to a year before my gut feels semi better. I have learned that I am probably lactose intolerant now. Vegan options in dairy forever. Oils and greasy are out. I had a few bites of a hamburger and learned my lesson. I can tolerate the kefir and soups. Bland is best said the foodie.  Christmas dinner will be interesting.

 That is how I like to end out the year. With a big bang!

I am going slow. Today the dog has a check up at the vet for her teets and I MAY make bon bons but that is not set in stone.

Feeling Halloweeny

  I am still feeling like shit but I am also starting to feel the Halloween spirit. We have two big pumpkins and two small ones. They are not gourds but just smaller in stature. I read that the weather this year was not good for pumpkins. They will be carved and have tea lights put in for the table on the front porch. I have to buy candy on Friday too. Kid #2 turns 22 next week too. She hasnt decided where she wants to go for her birthday dinner yet. It is a toss up between the casino and the new Texas Roadhouse. We shall see.

  My energy has been really bad lately. I am blaming it on the October slide of fibro. If it gets worse or lags on, I will tell the Dr. I have a busy week medically coming up. I see my neuro on Friday, biannual ultrasound of thyroid on Monday, and gyn on Tuesday. Trying to get it all in before the end of the year. I saw the sleep dr last week. All is great on that end. 
See..Kid #1 came over to have me fix her earring. Just needed a plier job.

   My mind wants to water all the houseplants, tidy up the front porch, dig hole and plant free hydrangea the neighbor gave me, and make jam. All those things wont happen. My legs have gotten weak lately and my energy levels suck ass. I will probably plant because I have a small window to do so. I will water the plants and tidy the porch..maybe. I just realized that I have to groom the dog too. she is in major need. Ugh.

So yeah, life is rolling along and I am trying very hard to roll with it all. I am still breathing and a smart ass so that is a plus.

Ouch!

*i dont care*


    It is a hot and muggy Summer day today (and yesterday). I have been sitting around in front of fans in shorts and tank tops. Hubby is making dinner on the grill. I just cannot do it.

I think the evil diamox has messed up my gut. I have been told by my endo to push the fluids today and I will see him tomorrow morning. I have pain on my right side like when I had my liver troubles. It is a constant nag that has gotten worse over the days. I get sharp pains, nauseated, gassy, and just feel ill. TMI!! I have no trouble with #2 but afterward I feel like I still have to go but I dont. I have a slight appetite. It could be my liver, my gallbladder, or my pancreas, I reckon. Whatever it is, I aint staying in the hospital. I refuse! Okay..if it is serious I will go. But otherwise I want to just make it go away. So yeah..what do I do if I have to start the diamox again if that is what is messing with my gut. There is only one other pill. If that doesnt work.....
Yeah..nothing positive to say.  I will post what happens in the comments. I wish to be happy again.

 The heat is not helping at all.  

Negativity

  People don't really like to be around me. I have lost friends online. Some just backed away, others completely blocked me from their life. I have to talk to a therapist about my issues cause those nearest to me don't want to hear it. How am I supposed to act positively when I am in so much pain?

 Am I supposed to just pretend everything is okay and keep it all inside? Save it for the shrink? 

 I have been told on the days that I feel like hell that I am negative and maybe I should leave the room. I hate you right now. Or they leave and go hang out with friends and leave me here by myself. 

  I don't want to be this way. If I have to live like this for the rest of my life.......

I am afraid I will lose those that are closest to me. I guess I deserve this. I can't be the way my friends want me to be so they ignore me or they dump me. Then mutual friends take sides. I don't even know what the sides are. Part of me wants to just get out of social media all together but then I would be utterly alone. 

Yeah yeah, go talk to your shrink. Sounds like you need a fucking pill you crazy bitch. I got that covered. I have a brain disease and a skull defect that makes me feel this way. There is no pill to fix it.

There is nothing to fix it. 

I am just spilling it here cause nobody really reads this. I am surprised anyone reads it actually. My pathetic excuse for a blog. Hey! At least I am losing weight now. Would you look at that! I accomplished something. 

I just feel alone in a house full of people. Friends don't text. People don't call. I have a small handful of people that still let me know I am somebody. How long they will be around...I don't know.

Life is a trip

*250*

  I am here. Just many things have been going on. Right now today I am dealing with having a brain MRI tonight. We are checking to see if I have a cerebral spinal fluid leak. Yup. We are back at that again. Three years ago I was at this same point. But it turned out to be my mastoid. This time it might actually be a leak from my sinus. I am taking a pill called Topomax for my head and neck pain. This is day four. It makes me feel loopy. That and feeling like garbage cause of my head and you can bet my ass spends alot of time in bed.
 I did try to be normal today. I raked some poopy leaves from under the bushes while the dogs were out. I am washing some clothes. I put all the scarves away for the season. I cleaned the livingroom, including dusting and vacuuming. We had the windows open too. Feels good.
It will be snowing later but I digress.
  This has what has been going on. I am a downer cause my life is suckage right now. I know that will change. Everything does. You will see my weight steadily drop as I post. That is if I continue to take this pill. My appetite is nil. Today I had a cup of coffee and a forced banana. It is 1pm. Everything tastes gross so there is no point. It is a plus for a diabetic.
eh. whatever.
I have been called out as a downer because I am not POSITIVE lately!  Maybe that is why I dont post. What is the point. I should just take a picture. Post it. Voila. There can only be positive from that.
Happy Easter to all of you that celebrate!

End of Winter?

R.I.P.

*253*

  Eating pickle spears and sweet pickled peppers

I am in a better mood today. But this post will be short. I will explain in a bit. I had a meltdown yesterday but after some talk with Hubs, I realized I have alot on my mind. Too much really. I will be okay in that realm.


  It is gonna snow tomorrow afternoon. I am not even gonna bitch about it. 4-8 inches. Yup. 

Taxes. I may do them tomorrow. I may not. We shall see. We will owe so I am avoiding like the plague.

 I could just lay around and watch Hulu Plus or try to read 50 shades of Grey again. I fell asleep two chapters in. Jane Eyre is better and she never makes me fall asleep. That says something about that book. 

 I have been trying to keep my stress eating down to a minimum and eat healthy things. Today it was a handful of ginger snaps, 5 Doritos chips (kid had control of my portion), and those pickles that are mentioned up top. But I also have a box of Russel Stover Chocolates in the cabinet.

My symptoms have gotten worse this past week. They are not WORSE but they are slowly ramping up. My hands are giving me trouble. My legs are heavy and a bit weaker. My neck hurts all the time. It gives me headaches. It makes my shoulders and collar bone hurt. And I had a scary thing happen today. I had a electric shock cattle prod thing on the right side of my head. I remember those from when my L5 was bad. But it was in my back. Having in head sucks major.

It looks like a herniated cervical disc would be the best option at this point. I have read about Spinal Stenosis with Myelopathy. If that isnt me, then I am a monkey`s auntie.  March 21 isnt coming fast enough. Stupid tattoo that I really like. LOL



Yeah.....

Speaking of Aunties, you should check out Auntie Fee. She has a Facebook page but I like to just go to her Youtube videos. She swears but she is funny and she cooks. She cooks for people that have very little money. I repeat. She swears. Quite alot. The guy behind the camera is her son, Tavis. He gets her riled up so easy. It makes us laugh. But I learned some new ways of cooking old favorites. 

The kid just gave me 3 tiny pizza bagels. The eating continues.