Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Fifteen days!

I like the devily ones on the end.

   I just realized that in 15 days, basically 2 weeks..I am going to have my surgery. I realized I had not said anything lately about how I have been feeling. It seems that the 2nd antibiotic did the trick. My right ear is still clogged but it is popping so that is good. I really feel craptastic though. I have been sleeping more in the mornings and I have been taking naps. The house is a pig sty and I am not getting much help except for Fred. Same old song and dance basically. What is going to be like when I really cannot do anything. That is what scares me!
 I need to make lists of things for Fred to do when I am out of it like pay the cable bill on this day. Pay the mortgage on this day. Do not over spend on groceries (which he will do the opposite of) and Hopefully everything will be fine.
 Lets hope it doesnt snow yet. I still have not bought any oil. I have a little bit more then a 1/4 of a tank. Thank goodness it has been on the warm side. I will try to put 50 gallons in before I go into the hospital.
  Too much to think about. I have so much to do and I just cannot do it and you know what? I FUCKING HATE IT!
 I will not even be able to cook Thanksgiving dinner this year. Fred will have to do it. I will have to leave him a list of shit to do for the day.
 I do not know how well I will be after surgery and how long recovery is and how long it will be until I can drive.
All I know is I am sick of having my brain fluid running down the back of my throat like today. I know that is why I feel like shit.
  Sorry. I am getting tired of being like a damn invalid.

Tonight I am cooking dinner though and hang around for trick or treaters if we get any.

15 days!

Happy Halloween and Samhain Blessings

I am drinking my first cup of coffee of the morning with a salted caramel creamer. Yummy! I hear buzz saws going on out in the neighborhood. People cutting up fallen branches. I cannot say it is too early for that shit cause it is almost 11am here. Ever since my CSF leaks, I have been sleeping in more.
 It is still yucky outside. The sun comes and goes. There are alot of trees down around the city. The Mayor did not cancel Halloween because he said it was not his right to do so. That is a parents right as to whether their kids should go out or not. He did say kids should be supervised because of the situation around the city with clean up. How can you cancel Halloween? It only comes on October 31. Once that day is gone, so is Halloween. You cant have it on November 7th cause it fits into your schedule. Some 1st selectman and Mayors are taking a beating for it.  I think you should leave it up to the discretion of the parents.

One of the residents of our city taped this video two hours (8pm)before the evening high tide that made this storm the clusterfuck that it became. By that time, the winds had died down quite a bit. I am not faulting the guy for bringing his kid and you shouldn't either. Where they are situated is an easy out behind them and I found out that they do not live far. I hate people that love to point out when a parent is being reckless, blah blah blah. Get the fuck over yourself! The kid is fine and he saw something that HOPEFULLY he will never see again. Damn global warming.
 On a normal day, you can sit on that wall and look down a few feet to the beach. Then the beach stretches out quite a bit. I am not good at feet and measurements. Maybe a fifty foot stretch of beach to the shore. Maybe a bit less but it was a good sized small beach. We used to go there when we joined the hospital`s beach.
 So knowing that, you can just imagine that the river is basically up to the flood wall. That is some scary shit, huh?

  I am going to not over do it but I want to clean up around here. I have three pumpkins that need carving because I want the damn seeds. LOL
 Chicken quesadillas for dinner tonight and I think I might bake some cookies. Might being the operative word. The whole house is a cluttered mess. Like i said, I cannot bend over much. It seems I am the only one that sees this shit!

I hope you all have a wonderful night. Many Samhain blessings to my Pagan friends and Happy Halloween to all you wicked ones. Send me your Tootsie Rolls! Those are my favorite!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I survived Sandy!

Green`s Harbor beach Sunday afternoon

 *disclaimer..I did not take any of these photos. They are from my friend Matt, the NL Patch, and NL firefighter`s union. So do not think I was a fool for going out during the storm.*

We survived!!  We never lost power or cable. The house is still the same as it was on Saturday. Except for a few branches in the yard and everything is dirty from the dirty Sandy rain. I thought I would share some pictures.
This one up top is the city`s free beach. You see that yellow building in the distance? That is where the sand should be. The water went right up to the wall!

Pequot Avenue/Green`s Harbor beach
This is that same area but this morning. The entire length of this road is impassible today and probably for the next few days.

Pequot Avenue/Lighthouse Inn area
This is the other end of Pequot Avenue. Fucking mess. These are all private beaches along the seawall. One of the beaches lost their pavilion that has been there since like my entire life or more. Washed away.

Here is a picture near my neck of the woods. A really old gnarly tree finally fell over in the park near my house. I wondered when that old bastard of a tree would finally get cut down or taken down.

Montauk ave near Blydenburg
Lower Montauk Avenue
I heard that lots and lots of trees were taken down with this storm. Trees landing on houses all over the area. No deaths here from the storm!

The skies are still a bit gloomy but you get peeks of sun and blue sky here and there. I had to open the windows in the dining room because it is warm and humid. It was a weird storm. I have never dealt with a cold hurricane. It was chilly throughout the whole thing. Once it was over, the temperature rose about 10 degs F.

 I am going to slowly wake up, get dressed, and go out and survey the street. I need to dig out my rake cause there is a shit load of branches and leaves.
I hope that if YOU experienced Sandy in any way that you are doing okay also. Give a shout out to let me know you are ok.
Back to coffee.....

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Some much storm, so little time

Hurricane of 1938 New London CT Harbor

This picture is from the aftermath of the 1938 hurricane that made landfall right here in my little city of New London. You can see the train tracks toward the top of the picture. It was a devastating storm. My parents lived in Boston at the time (they were kids) and they remembered it vividly. It was awful.
 Hurricane Sandy will be coming into our area probably Monday night. The weather forecasters and the meteorologists are giving me quite the headache. I think they are all owned and operated by Lowe`s and Home Depot. The storm has been downgraded. It will most likely be a tropical storm by the time it gets here. I am more of an alarmist when it comes to this shit but this storm is going to be like a strong Nor`easter. They got people flipping out thinking we are going to have sustained 70 mph winds for three days straight! That is not the case. I was reading one of our local news sources, Waterford Patch. They gave it to us straight and said they would not sensationalize the storm. It will be rainy, windy and crappy out. There may be some trees that go down and some pockets of power outages. I hope the good Lord it does not happen here cause I got a deep freezer full of food. Thankfully we have a food spoilage rider on our home insurance.
  We have some stuff that could fly away in a stiff breeze that I need to put away today and tomorrow. I have 2 cases of water bottles. I have flashlights and batteries. Emergency candles and $1 store holders. Matches and lighters. We have plenty of non perishable food. Hoping that a tree does not fall on our house and that we do not lose power. Those are two of my wishes for this storm. I have to scrub out both bathtubs today so that they will be clean when we fill them with water (for flushing) if we need it.

  Tomorrow is Natalie`s 19th birthday. This was her gift from her Daddy and I. Are we not the most Puritan of parents? *batting eyelashes*
She is wearing her heart on her sleeve. I was so freaking jealous! I want a new one! I just have those pesky bills to pay. Darn it all.
 She has a nice ice cream cake in the freezer and I am going to make vanilla cup cakes too. We had planned on going out but she wants to stay in because the storm is going to start up a bit on Sunday night. I am going to make Fred`s famous to us chicken wings, garlic mashed potatoes, and I have to get some string beans but my ass doesn't want to venture out to the store cause all the crazy hurricane people are out there. I will figure something out.

 As you can probably tell, I am feeling better about my situation. I am still freaked the fuck out but I cannot hold onto that sadness and gloom all the time. I am moving on. Hopefully I will get some good facts about my surgery on November 9th. The same morning after I see my surgeon, I go in for Pre admission testing and talk to them about making payment arrangements. Then the following week I go in for the surgery. I have had conflicting stories about what is going to happen. I think if my Dr and his PA tell me I will be in the hospital for one day, then I am not getting the kind of surgery that I suspected and was told about by others like me. Because they all were in the hospital for days and had a lumbar drain and shit. I cant be there for one day with a lumbar drain. And they do not send you home with that. So I do not know. That is when I decided to stop stressing and stop talking to those people that are trying to help you.  They were making me nuts!
   My double ear infection is doing better, I guess. I can hear more but right ear still feels like full of cotton. I just had a feeling like somebody stabbed me in the head with an ice pick but I think that is because of the storm that is coming our way. I will hug my bottle of Advil till it is over.

That is about it. We will be carving our pumpkins pretty soon and I will share pics of that. We were going to decorate outside but then the whole major storm of the century popped up so we decided against it. I have a shit load of Halloween candy upstairs in my closet. I wonder if we will get any kids at all this year. Oh well, I will hand some out to the mail man and the squatters down the street.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Less pain and a Hurricane

Last night before I went to sleep, my right ear was popping. That is a good sign. I have no pain in my ears or in my throat today. I am still deaf but I think the 10 days of medicine should take care of that. I have to take it twice a day.
 I am going to take it easy today. I am cleaning the dishes and going to make a simple dinner of Pasta Pomadoro for dinner. I have boneless chicken to cut into chunks to grill and I have some broccoli I will steam for on the side. If they want to dump it in their pasta, go for it. I am going to make it a simple day for myself. I do have to leave in an hour to pick them up from work and school. It is a cold and rainy one today.
Hey! Remember that Umbrella plant that I bought for like $7 at the grocery store because she was big and beautiful and I just HAD to have it. Yeah, her ass is outside in the back dying a slow death. No matter where I put it, watered it, didn't water it, re potted it, or would keep dropping leaves. Even the new leaves. I would put it someplace and wait and see. Nope.
I finally had enough of looking at the sad skeleton of death and through her outside to die. Admit it. You have done this too? I try to save plants because I love them so but this one was giving me the angries. I decided she was not to live here because she doesn't like it. That is fine. See how she likes the first snow of the season. hehehehe
 I have to actually pay attention to the weather more closely in the next few days. There is Hurricane Sandy out in the Atlantic. It could possibly impact us on coastal CT on Saturday/Sunday. Sunday is Natalie`s birthday. I hope it is just like a Nor`easter. A bunch of wind and rain and nothing else. Or it goes out to see. Having a hurricane this late in the season is really global warming-ish...isnt it?
  That will suck if it happens on her actual birthday (Sunday) because we were going to go out to eat at our favorite pizza place, Ocean Pizza. Let`s cross some fingers that the jet streams will change and push old Sandy out to sea.
 Okay, I am done here. Going to wash some cups and then watch some Supernatural.

Have a great day!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Walk in Clinic Ho!

My GP was off this week for whatever reason. I was told by his nurse that I should go to a walk in clinic. A walk in! The office is filled with Doctors but I have to go to a walk in!
I went after being pissed about it for an hour. They found that I have a double ear infection and upper respiratory infection also. I am on Augmentin for 10 days. Since it is never cool to have an infection in your head while you are leaking from said same head..I called my ENT to let them know. Just add it to the chart kind of thing.
 I am going to eat some Progesso soup and crackers, pick up the kid from work at 7pm and then I am relaxing for the rest of the day. Wish me luck with these pills.

Why so many opinions?

   I have joined a couple online support groups dealing with my skull/ear/CSF issues. I wanted to know what was up with my surgery, what to expect before, during, and after. I am getting lots of help but sometimes I want to scream.  SHUT THE FUCK UP!! People think I can just fly off to this hospital or that hospital. They do not care that my ENT is one of the best surgeons AND he has been on those lists as one of the Best Doctors in America  and Best in the Metro area  many years running. They do not care that he works at Yale and that he taught this shit for many years.
   If I am not going to so and so OR so and so, I am putting my life into my own hands. They are making me more scared then before. My ENT is a really good Dr. I am confident with him.
 I just get strangers,who mean well, scaring the shit out of me. Oh god no! You need a neurologist to do the surgery! Oh! It is going to be bad if you do not get a certain caliber of Dr to do it.
Look! I know you all do not read here but I am going to spout off anyway. I really truly appreciate your help in every way. But every time you make a comment about how my Dr is probably not good enough and it will be MY mistake if I do not get a better one...I want to scream. I have never had skull surgery, okay. This is my first trip down this road. My ENT is the one that found the problems.
 These people that are trying to help me are making it harder for me. Oh! And those people that like to tell you that money should never be an issue when it comes to your health, Have money! Of course you can say that! You can afford to have 3rd and 4th opinions. I cannot. Every time I go to another Dr, it is another bill that I cannot afford. It is almost November and I have not even put heating oil in my tank yet let alone have the furnace cleaned. What does that tell you??
 Can you tell I am stressing? I wanted help with finding out what was going to happen. I get that but then you get these people that like to be too helpful. They do not realize they are stressing me out more. God forbid I say anything to the contrary. They are being good and helping me out of the kindness of their hearts.

Fuck me!

 Okay, I have ranted. I do not feel completely better but I had to do that. I went to get some advice and support from people just like me. I got that in many ways but there was always the backhanded approach that I should be doing more for myself. I should be going to Boston or Maryland because that is where the best of the best are. I totally get that. If I had fluid money, I would do that. But I do not have it like that. I have to go where my insurance says I can go. He is probably my best option at this point...and that is not me talking shit about my Doctor. I like him a lot. He has a great bedside manner, he has been doing this a long time, and I have been told by a few local`s in the support group that I will be in good hands.  I just do not need another person telling me I need at least 4 opinions. I got a 2nd opinion. My neuro. He told me to get it done sooner rather then later.

My ears are still frigging clogged. I called my GP to see if they will give me another antibiotic to clear this shit up. I need to be well or relatively well before my surgery. Natalie and I are going to have lunch and then we are going to decorate outside for Halloween. Yeah, I said I wasn't gonna but I got suckered in at the last minute!
I think I want Five Guys for lunch!

Thanks for listening to me bitch. I just could not take another person telling me what I needed to do.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Halloween is coming!

I have not really decorated because I have felt so shitty. Today I realized that Halloween is coming in 9 days and Natalie`s 19th birthday will be in 7 days. She wants an ice cream cake and I will make cupcakes for those of us that want CAKE. She is getting a tattoo for her birthday present. Great Mom, huh? Shit, I wish I was getting the damn tat.
 Today I decided I am going to do a bit of decorating outside. I have some stuff I can use. I have lights. I have decor. It could look nice and understated. We decided that we are going to buy a couple bags of candy that we all like plus 5 large candy bars. If all we get are two or three kids, they will get the big bars.
 So today I will try NOT to bend over too much. I want to clean the front of the house just in case we do get trick or treaters. Plus it is gorgeous outside!
I see my surgeon on November 9th in the morning so that I can ask as many questions as I can so that I am fully informed. I do not want to go in there completely blind. I have read plenty online about how this surgery is done but what if he is doing something radically different? I want to know!
 So another trip to New Haven. No bakery this time. I have had enough for awhile. That is a treat and I am ruining by going there every time we go to New Haven lately.

Okay, gonna go out there and cut some shit down. You have a great Monday. It is a nice one out there!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Yellow leaves make me smile

mine won`t be as drastic or as beautiful

  The sun came out this morning and all the yellows and reds of the leaves were bursting with color! I love this time of year. All the leaves are wet right now so we cannot really do anything with them today.  But is nice to sit out on the bench and watch them fall around me. One of my favorite things to do. Needs a glass of cider with it. I have not been to the cider mill yet this season. I must get over there this week sometime. Maybe have Fred drive over with me one morning before work.
   My hearing problems are driving me INSANE!  I am finally noticing that I am getting over the strep throat. Yay! I do need to take a couple Advil but not on the dot every four hours like before. My throat is sore but minimal so it will probably not hurt at all tomorrow. The problem is my ears. I do not want to say I have ear infections because the antibiotic would have knocked that out. It is probably more fluid. Like I need more. Both ears are blocked and if you are not right next to me...I cannot hear you.
 All I hear is the tinnitus. And that has changed also. Now sometimes I will hear my heartbeat in my ears. Really loudly. I drove the kid to work this morning. The engine of the Jeep was mimicking the heartbeat sound in my hearing. I felt like I was driving a disco. This is called Pulsatile Tinnitus and it is another symptom of that thing I talked about before called Intercranial Hypertension. I am guessing my ass has it and I have to do something about it. I just don't want to think about that now. I truly do not. I am still scared.
I want to cry some days but I am trying to be strong for everyone else. It is truly a bad thing that I am going through. I know it isn't cancer or something horrific like that but it is up there. It is a scary shit.

   This has become one of the saddest blogs on the planet. I know there are a couple of you that are saying it...bitches. I cannot be completely positive right now. Once I know more about what I am facing, then I can get a battle plan going. So if you don't like it, don't read here for awhile. I cannot pretend everything is cool and I will work on dollhouses. That is the furthest thing on my mind. I barely decorated for Halloween and I have bought no candy. That is not ME.

Yesterday I had a bit of energy and cooked my ass off. I made a beef barley soup which was so good, I am going to eat it for dinner tonight. I took Chelsea to the Raj cash and carry yesterday and I bought supplies to make Chicken Tikka Masala with basmati rice. Tasted really really good. So I can do shit. Just not today.
My major problem is I cannot do alot of bending over. So I have all these dead flowers that I want to cut and bag in the front yard. I can work for about 15 minutes or so and then the dripping of the brain fluids starts.  So yeah, not alot of room to do much of the bending down to pick up shit.

Okay, Natalie is dragging me out of the house so I am not a total hermit. We are going to go downtown for a bit. Now I have to get dressed. I had hoped to stay in my PJs.

Have a great Fall Saturday all!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Sleep! Sleep! Sleep!

I have not had a good night`s sleep in three days. I am on my fourth day on the zpack and the shit isnt working the way it should. I can tell that it did some good but it didnt give the push I need to get this bacteria out of my system. I am still relying on Advil to get me through a less painful day. Still in pain in my throat (better) and my right ear (ugh). I am tired of being in pain and not getting any sleep.

   In other news, My neurosurgeon and his partner will not do the surgery here. It is beyond their scope. Dr P said he has been a surgeon for 30 years and he has only seen a handful of cases like mine. He said I NEED to go back to my ENT surgeon at Yale and get the work done as soon as possible. The fact that the meningitis can put me one foot in the grave should have me running to call him.
 So I called the office and my surgery is re-scheduled for November 14. Fred made me do it. We do not have $1500 to pay the hospital. I think that is our deductible. Fred was told by the bitty that would not send a referral that I can make a payment plan at Yale. I can pay as little as $10 a month if that is all I can afford. I have not talked to them yet cause they have to get everything in their system to do it. I have a fear that they will not take a payment plan. They will want all the money up front. That will mean I wont get the surgery at all. Fred says he can get it from his job or he knows people that can give us the money, but I do not want to owe anyone any money. We do not have $1500. I cried all day yesterday over it. Tells me that I could die without the surgery but does not realize we do not have the money to pay them. No money no tickie.

I am sorry. I am just talking. I am not expecting any help so do not take this that way. If worse comes, I will have to delay the surgery until i can save up the money. I guess I could do that in a few months.

Hoping I get a better antibiotic and some sleep tonight.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Strep Throat SUCKS

It hurts to talk, swallow, drink, eat, and sleep. I woke up at 5am because the Advil wore off that I took at midnight. Major pain. I came downstairs and took 3 of the blue pills and my 2nd dose of antibiotic.
 I am feeling less death warmed over this morning. Hoping the second pill does the trick. I have to take the whole 5 day z pack but I read in the paperwork that I should feel better by today. If I do not, off the Dr. Ugh.
That is all.
I just cant catch a fucking break. How much more am I supposed to endure? Really?

Monday, October 15, 2012

Recovery is a-coming

 My GP could not get me in today at all. His nurse said strep is going around and it sounds like I have got it. So they sent in a script for Zithromax and I took the first dose a half hour ago. If it is not bacterial, no biggie. If it is, I am killing it before it ventures into my brain pan. I feel like mega dog shit even after I took two Dayquil this morning.
 I am all cancelled at Yale for surgery there. I hope they did mail my CD out on Friday like they said so that would mean the Dr got it today or possibly tomorrow.
 I have so many dishes to wash but my ass feels bad. I think I will just lay around.

I will update you when i know more on Wednesday.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Allergy time/Beer/Chia seeds


  Last night my throat started to hurt and I felt back of the nose icky. Like I had caught a cold. I freaked out a smidge. Chelsea made me some fresh ginger/garlic tea with lemon and local honey in a HUGE cup. I drank almost the entire cup. Took a couple Advil and went to sleep. Today I realize that it is probably just allergies. I do not feel like mega dog shit like when you get a cold. Thank goodness.
 I have been in the mood for a good beer for quite some time. Most of you know I am not much of a drinker but for some reason, I wanted a beeeah! Fred went and picked up a couple bottle of Samuel Adams Octoberfest and two bottles of Shipyard Pumpkinhead ale. You can read about it`s flavors yourself but that was a damn good beer. I drank the whole thing while still cold. If I do not like it, I will not finish it. I still have another one to drink tonight. Am I maturing into a high end beer drinker? I doubt it. I do not like wine so that will never happen either. I just wanted a nice flavored beer and small buzz. Both were given to me deliciously!
   Chelsea had been consuming Chia seeds for the past couple months and I had never given it a try. I have to start losing weight for my head so I think I am going to give it a try. We lucked out one day. The local co-op miss marked a 10 lb bag of bulk chia seeds for $10. Not by the pound but the whole bag. Chia seeds sells for like $15 a lb. I was not going to buy it because I did not want to steal money from the co-op but the boss was there. He said I could buy it at that price. So I did. So we have a shit load of seeds.
 There are some benefits to it. There are some recipes for it. Some other talk about Chia. And yes, this is the same Cha-Cha-Chia that people buy at Christmas to give as a crappy gift. Chia has been a prized food of the Aztecs. People in Mexico have been using it in their diets for years. It is full of Omega-3. The seeds also plump up in water. So you can make a nice drink a half hour before meals and it will curb your appetite or that is what I have heard.  We have so much of it and it is good for you anyway, I am going to give this shit a try.

I will not drink it straight cause I think I might gag, so I am going to try it in a Chia Fresca. I will copy the recipe from this site below.

Chia Fresca

Ingredients for one glass:

  • 12 oz cold, fresh drinking water
  • 1 large lemon (it should produce about 3 tablespoons of juice)
  • 2 teaspoons sugar or sweetener of choice (see below for details)
  • one teaspoon fresh chia seed

    Preparing the Limonda (Lemon-Water) Pour the water into a either a glass or a pitcher (depending on how much you are making.) Roll each lemon while pressing firmly, on a sturdy surface such as a counter. Rolling them like this for about ten seconds, will help loosen up the juices inside. Slice the lemon in half and squeeze the juice into the water. You want about three tablespoons of lemon juice for a single 12 oz. glass, but of course add more or less juice to taste. Stir in the sugar or add sweetener to taste.
    Sweeteners If using granulated sugar or piloncillo, you may want to dissolve it in boiling water first to make a simple syrup otherwise it will take a while for it to dissolve in the cold water. Other sweeteners can be used such as artificial ones like Equal or Splenda, start with a small amount, such as a sprinkle and add more to taste. I find that natural Stevia drops offer the best sweetening power without the extra calories. I use 7-10 drops for a single glass, or one dropper full for a pitcher.
    Adding the Chia Once you have achieved the sweetness level you prefer, it's time to add the chia. Just stir it into the lemon water and let it sit for about 10 minutes. During this time, the seeds will absorb the water and become gelatinous. You can stir it occasionally if the seeds seem to be floating or falling to the bottom. Fresh seeds will float throughout the liquid, while older ones tend to sink to the bottom. If they sink, that is fine, you will just need to stir them up a bit to keep them evenly dispersed.
    Serving the Chia Fresca I like to add a slice or wedge of lemon to my glass for garnish. You can also slice a lemon and let the slices float on the Chia Fresca in the pitcher. You can also add ice to it to chill it, or keep it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. A sprig of mint can also be added to each glass, or whole mint leaves can be added to the top of the pitcher. Mint is very strong and can be overpowering, so it's best to add it just before serving.

So do you think you could drink it? I will give it a try. It cannot be as worse as drinking that Metamucill crap. And chia seeds make you regular too!

Today is a nice overcast Sunday. It is not cold like it was yesterday. I think I am going to finish up here and go back to bed. I know this is probably just an allergy but I feel I need to rest my head so I do not spring any new leaks while this is going on. Plus there is a shit load of pots and pans in the kitchen that I DID NOT dirty, and my ass wants to get as far away as I can from that.

Have a great Sunday!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Bacon`s cookin up in the pan

Bacon cooking and I am typing.....
  Last night was a weird night. I had my first ever mini panic attack while still awake. I think it is all the stress of what is going on with me. I just came downstairs, took an extra ativan and within the hour I was fine. I was feeling okay yesterday but I can tell today is not going to be as good. My eyes are a bit more blurry then usual, I have a head ache but in the front of my face if that can be considered a head ache. I can tell that this is going to be a high pressured/leaky head kind of day. Plus it is colder. I have no problem living in a house that is a bit nippy. I put on a sweater. But I have a couple prima donnas that think they are going to die if the temp in the house dips below 70. I pulled out one heater for the livingroom because we have company. I could pull out the one for the dining room but I KNOW that Chelsea will use it from now until April. She will take it from the spot where I put it to warm the whole room so that she can have it right next to her to keep her warm. It is a major pet peeve of mine. MAJOR! Makes my teeth click.

Milo and Ruby-Best Buds
Bacon done and in the warm oven...
  Even though I am not feeling too great today, I want to get something done around here. I THINK I am going to put some plastic on windows in the house this weekend. Most definitely in my room first. Then I want to cut down all the spent flowers out in the front of the house. Clean it all out, bag it and hope the garbage guys take them. They might not cause of budget cuts. I do not know if they changed the rules or not yet. Do not worry. I am not going to over do it. I may do one or two things and then collapse in the bed and watch more Supernatural. There are 8 season and I am only in the middle of Season 3. I have a long way to go.
  I know I have to be careful, because I notice that some activities make my nose drip or it goes down my throat. I can probably bet that it has gone down in my lungs and that is why I have this slight cough. Yup, shit is running down my throat as I type. Fucker!
So it is going to be one of those lazy Saturdays that shouldnt be. I should be doing stuff man. Not laying around the house watching tv. There is much to do. It is chilly! Time to clean the yard! Time to put plastic on the windows! It is time, man! I am trying to psych myself up. I think I can do my big assed window in my bedroom today. If I can do that, I will feel accomplished.
It is all about feeling like you did something. If all you did today was dust all the tables in the house, that is something! You were not a total bum. Sick or not, we all feel like we contributed in some way.

  I guess I should wrap this post up. Natalie just made scrambled eggs and toast. I am going to eat and then I am going to go upstairs and put that plastic on the window! I am determined.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Exploding head and tears

I do not feel good so I will make this short. Supposedly in the fine print of our insurance contract last year, it said that we agree to take this insurance and we lose the ability to have fees from other hospitals waived. So Yale wants me to pay $1500. My good old friend at OUR benefits office said that we cannot have the waiver of the fee because we chose the insurance we chose. Some fine print bullshit there. They told me to make a payment plan or find another Dr closer. I want to kick them in the crotch is what I want to do. Not because of what they had to tell  me, but how they delivered it. You have known me for years but you are gonna treat me like joe schmo. That person will get the finger the next time I see them.
  I have not cried so hard in my life. I need this surgery ASAP and I do not have $1500. I am not borrowing it. I do not have a credit card with that much on it. And I am not doing a payment plan. They will want more a month then we can afford. So I called my neurosurgeons office (the one that did my back). They could tell I had been crying. They got me an appointment to see him this Wednesday. I called the diagnostic place in New Haven and after some faxing, they are mailing my cat scan cd to my neuro`s office tomorrow. Fred talked to his really good friend that used to work in the OR with this surgeon. He has done 1000s of craniotomies. He did a wonderful job taking care of my back so I trust him fully!
 I wish I was having it done by Dr Kveton but this is a good alternative. I hope he says he can do it.
  We have a guest staying for a couple days and I just cannot clean the house. Natalie did the bathroom downstairs but I just cant get myself to do anything. My brain is so scrambled. I have been crying. I am a mess.
 I do not even think I can cook dinner. My wish is to just go to bed.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel much better! The saga continues.....

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Surgery date is set

Got his costume on
   We nailed down the surgery date today with the Doctor`s office. I go in for surgery on October 22, 2012. They do not know what time yet but hopefully first thing in the morning. I have to meet with the anesthesiologist next week and have a physical. Oh Joy! My head felt like it was in a vice all last night and today I had drippy nose and dripping down my throat.

 So this is going to happen. I will know more when it happens, I guess.
I made split pea soup and I am going to relax the rest of the day. I am tired. Natalie and I cleaned the fridge and she did laundry.
 My day is complete. That is all. :)

Monday, October 8, 2012

I am not feeling it.

  My house would have been Halloweened out by now. I have decorations, lights, and all the stuff needed to make you know it is a special holiday in this house. I put out the flag and I have one pumpkin on the front porch. I am NOT feeling it at all. With the lack of money and the brain thing, I just do not want to. What is the point? The kids are adults and we do not get any trick or treaters. It is like I am making more work for myself. It was fun when the kids were young because Halloween is ONE of my favorite days. My dad loved it and he passed that love onto me. I think I am just tainted lately. oh well.

  It is a chilly Columbus Day here in ole CT. It is only 41 deg F at 10am. My daughter`s boo is coming to stay with us from Thursday to Sunday. He is taking the train in here in town so there will be no traveling for me, thank goodness! But the house is a wreck. He is going to start becoming aquainted with the fact that I cannot clean like I used to and I do not have much help. I will pick up the big chunks, shampoo the carpets, and I want to put the winterization plastic in the livingroom to start. That way it wont be frigid in there at night. I need to buy a new heater for the livingroom (a bigger one) and we need to buy oil. That wont happen anytime soon. I have so many things on my plate. Two new tires for the Jeep first because we will be traveling back and forth to New Haven alot. Ugh!
So anyway....I am going to work on the livingroom AND I have two nice butternut squashes that I am going to turn into a nice thick soup. Love it. I think I will post the recipe on here for it. Post step by steps. I have not done that in a long time. It will keep my mind off stuff.
Yeah!  That sounds like a plan.

Off to wash dishes.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

My brain needs a life jacket!

Not for the topic but I like it
I was a fucktard and looked up the cranial pressure thing that the ENT told me I had. It is a syndrome! The CSF is a symptom. I also have the blurred vision (on and off) that I thought meant I needed glasses. And I have the ringing in both my ears. So it is a safe bet that this is what I have. Now I have to worry about going fucking blind! Great. What the hell did I ever do to deserve this shit? Huh? Really! Did I kill babies in a past life or something cause I just do not get it. How strong do you expect me to be?? What IT is called is Intercranial hypertension. Yes, I went online and found this. I know some of you are gonna shake your head at me but you know what, I want to know. I have all the symptoms, right down to the beeeep that I hear in my ears. He told me that I probably have it but not in those words. Is there a box anyplace that I can crawl into now?
   You can take a diuretic for it (GREAT!), which will be my best bet. I guess they can find one that does not make me feel like mega shit all the time. Now just  guess what can put it into remission......Losing all the fat. Fat women are more prone to intercranial hypertension. Lose all the weight and it might go into remission. It works most of the time. There is a list on there of all the possible types of doctors you will see because of this. One of them is a bariatric dr. Am I actually going to have to get my stomach stapled?  Really? That was one thing I thought I would never ever do. There are also other nasty things they can do to treat this. I do not want to talk about those because it goes into my file of scary hurtful shit that I do not want to do. So unless this leak is just a fluke, it is a symptom of a larger problem that there is no cure for. I am going to hope there is a slim chance that I do not have this. I guess my haters will be happy, huh?
So there is no more dilly dalling around with this fatness. I have to lose it. The only caveat about the whole thing is most of us with this have a hard time exercising. I can walk with Fred and or Natalie. But I could not tolerate gym equipment until they get the pressure under control. Cause some days I feel good and then others like last night, I felt like my head was in a vice.

This is the first time in my life that I can truly say that I am fucked up in the head and mean it!

Wow, this shit is no joke. I cant cry yet because I am still in some sort of denial over the whole thing. Do not worry. It will show up eventually.

I took this lovely picture yesterday outside of the grocery store parking lot. Now I am not prone to doing this, that is why I cropped off his head. The rest is shame enough. It was Oct 6 and we had some Indian summer going on. I did not have a jacket on and I was wearing my flip flops. Rainbow and I went to get supplies for dinner and as we were ready to leave, this is what we gander. The dude was polishing his car in the parking lot like he was at home in his drive way. SMH. This morning it is 42 deg F. All the windows are closed and I am a bit cold without my sweater.

Fred and I have been asked to go out to dinner with his friend that is a Nurse Practitioner. She wants to finally meet me and talk to us about what i have in store for myself. We are going to a eatery called Plan B. I have to decide which burger I want to consume. I love me a blue cheese burger but I think I want to try something different. They have healthy options too like no bun for the burger (just on a bed of greens) and other things. I thought I would share that with you so you can drool with me.

Hope you have a nice Sunday. Stay warm!


Friday, October 5, 2012

It`s a Cluster


   I have something called Tegmen Defect. It is near both ears. I also have a skull that is thinner then normal people. It is genetic. I have fluid in both of my mastoids (that is the bone right behind your ears). And the fluid is indicative to a CFS leak. So I am leaking spinal fluid out of my nose and/or down the back of my throat. We do not know how severe it is. The dura (lining holding the fluid in your skull) will rub up against the pitted parts of your skull. I most likely have cranial pressure going on too. As the dura rubs up against the skull, it can get ripped open. You get small leaks. Then it heals itself. But the problem is infection. If I were to get a head cold, then an ear would creep up into my brain through the leak sites and I would get meningitis. The very bad kind that can kill you. So this is what we are trying to avoid.
   My job for the next week or two is to let him know if it has leaked alot. Do I have halo type stains on my pillow in the morning? Is it every morning? Most likely this will happen before the end of the year. I want to get it down before it snows.

So yeah. I have many things to think about.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Here comes the other shoe!

*I don't give a fuck!*

 I was talking with a friend about what has been going on with my inner ear/dizziness situation. I told her about two particular symptoms that I thought were weird. She yelled at me! Call the DOCTOR! So I did.
 Lately I have noticed that my pillow is a bit damp. A couple times I awoke to clear fluid pouring out of my right nostril. And the back of my throat is scratchy and I get this salty taste. Makes me think of saline. CALL THE DOCTOR. It could be a CSF leak. I am thinking it is probably not but what harm can it do to call my ENT to add this to the list. I call and the nurse calls back within the hour.
 My appointment and Cat Scan that were for October 19 have been pushed up to THIS Friday on October 5th. They did not want to delay but that was the only place they could fit me in short notice cause the Dr has surgeries.
 Could it be? I am not ready for this. Really I am not. What happened to just talking about food and being fat and my lack of exercise?
Now shit is getting real and I am scared.