Trying to stay positive

*227* <---I gained 7 fucking pounds! That is not acceptable!*'


   I am trying really hard to be positive. The man has a telephone interview with unemployment next week. He is also going to go there to find out about help with job training and such like that. Now it is time to work it. We cannot afford for him to go much lower then what he was making. A couple dollars yes but any lower then that, and it is going to be very hard. I might have to go stiletto shopping.  On a positive note, it is almost 5pm est and the sun is still over the horizon. Every day gets a little bit longer.

  I have a crazy idea. Hear me out. I was thinking of applying to the USPS as a Rural Carrier Associate. That is what I used to do. All your work is basically sitting in the truck and delivering. Most of the mail is sorted for you, not like back when I was an RCA. You work every Saturday. Then you work any days your carrier wants off, and when they go on vacation. It isnt enough money to live off of but I can work for the Feds, be a Federal employee, and still collect my SS. I will never make over that certain amount that deems you ineligible. Unless I get my own route. Which is highly unlikely but it is nice to dream. I think I will find out where the testing center is for CT and decide if I really want to do that. Thoughts? I know I know. No comments hardly. On a positive note, I went to the new Aldi`s today in my area. LOVE IT. Bought some cheese.

  Well, that just made me burst into tears. The Neurosurgeon finally set up my MRI. Nobody let me know. It is supposed to be for this Saturday. This is to check on my cervical spine and to see why I have a weak pulse in my arm. I had to tell her that he doesnt work there anymore and we could not afford to do it. I have been waiting for over a month for that appointment and now it is nothing. Poof. I have to file for State Welfare insurance for me and hubby. I have no idea how to do that. At all. I worry every day. I have not told anybody but you all and a couple of friends. No one asks me how i am doing. I cannot even go to therapy to talk it out cause I dont have insurance to pay for it. If I get sick, I will just end up dying.  On a positive note, the snow outside is melting nicely. We will have a few warm ups coming up this week and next week.

  Yesterday was Kid #1`s birthday. She is now 28 years old. I made her a full sized Martha Stewart NY style cheesecake. We went out for dim sum lunch for her meal. She got to go to Lush and Sephora on her sister`s dime. She had a good time. We had the money set aside. No sense in making her birthday feel like shit cause life is imploding all over the place for us. Sometimes you have to just a little bit of normal to make everything feel okay. Even for a little bit. On a positive note, my grapefruit tree has sprouted a new baby. This is good news!

  That was the last birthday until October. There are no more excuses from here on out. I went to do my regular grocery shopping and picked up all kinds of stuffs to add fat into the diet so I do not fall head first into a loaf of bread. Like I did on Tuesday. My friend`s husband makes artisinal loafs of bread. I had never had before. I bought a loaf for the girls cause they dont really get bread at all anymore. OMG! Hubs and I ate some. It was divine! I have to be careful though and so does he. We dont have any health insurance. Being a diabetic with no insurance is no joke. On a positive note, I have a nice big pot of crack slaw cooking on the stove. I am using stevia in place of the brown sugar in the recipe. We can eat till we puke and it wont make the sugars go up.

    I think that is about all I have to say. I am quiet. Hardly anybody knows what is going on but the ones that do aint saying anything to me. So that makes me feel really special. I have yet to go through the stuff for Etsy and Ebay. Once I get out of this funk I am in, I will do it. I promise. You will see stuff up on there. I just am not feeling any kind of productivity at this point. I looked at the calendar and in next week will be two weeks since my telephone interview. If I am going to hear anything, it will be around then. I have to go pay my bill tomorrow. I will let the ladies up front know how far I have gotten. I hope I get it. I really do. I keep sending out positive thoughts so that it can happen.

Have a good weekend! I will probably post again on Sunday. I just felt like I needed to let some shit go and I have nobody to talk to so I just throw it up here for the world to read.

I am not talking politics..today

*223* <----I could be. I could be not. Whose to know?

  First off, I am not gonna talk politics on here. If something horrifically horrifically worse then what is going on happens. Say eminent nuclear destruction, assassinations, or national famine..I am keeping my opinions to myself. There is enough bad energy swirling around. We do not need me adding to it.

   Yesterday was the Hubs birthday. 51 is a very good year. He was feeling under the weather though. This weather takes a toll on you sometimes. Kid #2 and I shopped and cooked a big dinner. We treated it like a holiday as it should be. I made carrot cake cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. And no, they were not LCHF/Keto. The meal was. The dessert was not. If was a beautiful day, he was/is loved, and I have a shit ton of dishes awaiting me after I finish this.
   I had two revelations this weekend. One is that popcorn in any form is a big no for me. When we went to the store, there was a chic handing out a free coupon with a bag  of something called Kernel Seasons Chrunchin Kernels Ranch flavor.  Basically they are flavored half popped popcorn kernels.  I have basically stayed away from popcorn since the cdiff. I might eat one or two stray pieces here or there with no problems. I wanted to see how it tasted. I am not exaggerating when I say that I ate probably a 1/2 to one full teaspoon of it.  It tasted good. I would highly recommend as a snack if you are not eating LCHF or if you have gut issues.  But if you are like me, stay the fuck away from them. It felt like nails going through my colon. I had to lay down for an hour while it worked it`s way out of me. I felt so sick. My gut is still sensitive today after the fact.
Revelation #1: Stay the hell away from popped corn in all forms. 

  I am not going to talk about why Hubs was sick cause that is none of our business. But it lasted for a couple days. It was unpleasant but he is much better this morning. I was trying to figure out what triggered it. The only thing that came to mind was our diet. We had been eating full fledged keto from May-November. Then it slowly flew off the rails. We still eat low carb high fat but not to the extent that we did before. We would cheat here and there. I think the woe that we were doing was helping him immensely. He did not suffer at all the whole time we were eating that way.  So yeah.
Revelation #2: Eating Keto is keeping us healthy. 

  I will just deal with the keto flu and the massive cravings to come. We are back on this WOE!  I packed his lunch this morning. He will have foods to eat while on the road. I have to go to the store to pick up cheeses because we are totally out. I have to hard boil some eggs too. I have been doing that all along but they will save me in the coming weeks. I am also going to make some fat bombs for the freezer. We have like 6 cupcakes left from yesterday. I am hoping that Kid #2 just brings them to work tonight. That would be ideal. They were faboo btw. I used Paula Dean`s recipe for both the cakes and the frosting. I cooked them for 35 minutes. Those are chopped pecans on top.

  Kid #2 has brought up a interesting proposition. She wants to start a YouTube channel with me. I want to research it all first. I will have to have the laptop my friend gave me worked over. You really need a good lappy to edit your videos. This Chromebook wont cut it. We could use our iPhones to record. She wants me to do cooking and mukbangs but with a keto twist. She wants to do her own mukbangs also. A mother daughter kind of thing. As you can see, I love to blog so I would be doing it cause I like to do it. If any followers or money comes with it, that would be great too.  I will let you all know if and when that happens. Mukbangs are gonna blow up in the Youtube world like they do in Korea. I love to watch them. Dont ask me why. I cannot explain it. It is not like a feeder thing. I like when they eat and talk. Kind of like you are sitting there with them. I also like ASMR but that is something totally different.  That video is of Keemi. I like her. She cooks, talks, and eats. I started watching her when she had a small following.

   I went to the neurosurgeon`s office last week. I saw his PCA.  He had a really good energy. I liked him. He listened to me. My lower back is arthritic. He could see my last surgery on my L5 S1. He used to work for the surgeon that did it. He said that my L4 L5 is not that great but he suggested that I go back to PT (yay!) and have the shots. I decided later that I am not doing the shots yet. I will do the PT and massage. If they do not help, I will try the shots. I told him about my neck hurting. My arms, hands, shoulders, etc. He wants me to have a MRI of my cervical. Then he does all the customary shit they do at an appointment. Heart beat, lungs, blood pressure, and pulse. He checks my pulse on my left hand, looks up at me and says *that is a weak pulse and your hands are cold*. He says I might have to see the vascular surgeon in the building. WHAT?? I asked if my low blood pressure be a reason too. He said yes. After much talk, we will wait till after my MRI is done. If I have to see the vascular guy, he will send me. Of course I googled that shit and I must be a fucking magician. I was thinking I had an issue with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome months ago. I talked about it to the massage therapist two weeks ago. I am not saying that I know that is what it is but who wants to bet me a $3 bill?  If it is just the nerves, I will learn how to hold my posture and techniques through PT. That is in like 95% of the cases. Very rare to have to see a vascular doctor about it. That would be if the area in question is impinging on your artery or veins. I am not gonna super worry about it.

  That is about it. It is Monday. I have to do laundry, water my plants, go buy cheese, and work on a little arts and crafts project. I have a wood octopus that I am painting. Yeah, I will share when it is done. I still have not figured out how to get the IG back on here. It is making me a little bit mad. My fishes are gone too. Grrrr.
I need a blogger guru, I tell ya.

Have a good week! Maybe some snow on Tuesday!

Happy 46!

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to Me!

  It is fucking COLD! COLD! COLD! Right now it is like 15 deg F but feels way colder outside. I woke up at 530am to check and turn off the kerosene heater. It will stay dormant for a hour or so. Then he will fill it up and it will be nice and warm again. The full tank lasts about 8-9 hours. Today it will filled three times. This morning. This afternoon. And topped off again before bedtime. Tonight`s temps will be like 1 deg f so it is necessary. Thankfully, today will be the last day! YAY!
The plumber is coming tomorrow morning! WooHoo!  The new furnace is being put in! WooHoo! I will get a bubble bath tomorrow night! WOOT!
Yeah, that is way too much excitement. But you all would be excited too if you went a solid month with no primary heat source or hot water. This is monumental!

   Of course, shit comes in threes. The dog, The furnace, and now the Jeepo. We are pretty sure it needs brakes and probably rotors. This Jeep gives no squeak warnings whatsoever that you need to replace. You get a noise and three days later the noise instantly becomes loud, scary, and embarrassing. So yeah..another expense. It is okay. We will roll with it.

  The spending fast went off to a bumpy start. I did spend on three things off the list. 1. I was sick as a dog, so we had pizza one day. 2. We ran out of cream, I had a appointment so I spent $1.06 on a coffee. 3. I bought #2 a winter coat. She needed one, it was on clearance and I am okay with that expenditure.
 Otherwise, I have been following my rules. I have been saying no to myself alot.  Instead of dinner out for my birthday, we will have dinner in and play a board game. Hubby is buying my cake with his money. We really needed new pillows for the couch cause the dog is a asshole. I got 8 pillows for free. Really nice big ones. FREE! They could have cost me $20 a piece. FREE! See, I am learning.
Being sick as a dog trumped saving.

 I have to renew my driver`s license. Yuck. I should take a picture of my current one for comparison. I always smile too much. Makes me look like a damn chipmunk. If I smile too little, it will look like a prison photo. Oh well.

Time for my 2nd cup and hunt down my sweater. Have a great day!

Buy nothing year, Getting ready for winter, and feeling JOY

All for $3 each.

*250* 

   I bought three pumpkins. Two for carving and a warty one that looked cool. We are planning on carving them either today or tomorrow. I will make some pumpkin seeds. I love the smell of roasting seeds.

   I started this post a couple days ago but I was busy. I had a clear idea of what I wanted to talk about so I started it for when I was free. So here goes...
  Yesterday was Kid #2`s 21st birthday. We went to Japanese place. She and He (no longer calling the boy cause sounds bad) shared a large Scorpion bowl. We all shared sushi and appetizers. It was nice. Those two went out afterward and were feeling no pain when they got home. They were safe. They have a designated driver.

  I will start with Winter. It is really warm out there today (same as yesterday) but I can feel it coming. Cold weather. Higher electric bills. Me stressing the fuck out.  I am going to start covering the windows this weekend. I will leave one or two undone until it really gets cold. That is how I have always done it. Just in case Winter gets shy.  I have yet to have the furnace cleaned. It has to be done.. I will squeeze it in when I can. 

   That got me thinking when I read this article ,*Buy nothing year*, the other day that someone posted on FB. These two were extreme. I am not making my own soap. I am too lazy for that. I had read a article a few years ago about a middle aged couple from Manhattan who spent money on bills, groceries, major essentials (pharmacy, toilet paper, co-pays), transportation when it was too far to walk and basically that was it. They banked the rest. If something broke, they learned to live without it. 
 Could I do this? I probably could if I was all by myself. I may be able to get Hubs to participate somewhat but he would probably cave here and there. See, I have these adult dependants that rely on me to purchase everything they are too cheap to pay for or dont have the money for.


I want to do it!

I bet it would be way easier then losing weight. Ha! 

I have already been verbally stating to Hubs that I dont want to do Christmas..anymore. It is all about the presents and I am sick of it. I want to buy each person one thoughtful gift. That is it. A nice sweater. A book that they want. Fancy slippers. You know..normal gifts. I am done with killing myself to make a holiday. 

I want to save to fix up the house. 
I want to declutter!

oh yeah..I read this article *10 ways to decluter your home (and Life!)* Here is the book. that the article is based on. It gives a whole new approach to cleaning out. You look at things and decide if they give you Joy.  I want the book but I am not spending any money. Let me see if the library has it...Ugh..no luck there. I cant buy it now but I will put a pin in it. I put it on my wish list.

    This month was just a money pit!  I had to pay for and purchase quite a few things this month. The vet bill, my phone died (got a samsung galaxy for $100), the kid`s bed, fixing his car, the kids birthday. I am fortunate that I was able to do all those things but I now need to rein in the spending.

  This bitch is also learning to be assertive. Give up the passive aggressive stance that I used as a mechanism with these kids. I also have to re-learn how not to be a door mat. And the way people feel should not reflect my feelings. Just cause your mad at me doesnt mean I have to be upset. Those are your feelings. It will take some time but I want to work on this for the future.

Anyway. I have to cut this short. Bringing the Hubs his lunch plus gotta go to the bank. Have a great day and if I dont post.


Happy Halloween