End of October

*219*


   I had the plan to post yesterday but the day got away from me. I had Halloweeny tasks to take care of. These are our pumpkins this year. I did not get around to carving the small ones. That is okay, they will look good on the porch stairs till Thanksgiving. I have this link for pumpkin seeds if you have not cooked yours up yet. I am going to roast today. I think I will do the cheesy one.

   Halloween was a absolute BUST. We were greeted by one trick or treater. One 5 year old treater. One! I am done. I am not decorating anymore. I am not spending hard earned money on shit nobody is going to see or enjoy. I have said it before but I am truly done this time. And if someone mentions that the 5 yr old got to see it, I will virtually smack you. I have a cauldron full of chocolate. I told the kid that we were getting rid of it. I have cheated so much on my way of eating this past week. It has to stop and the candy has to go! Maybe I will just go out next year. Make some friends at the bar while I drink my pumpkinhead ale.

   I am glad I have this outlet to talk about stuff. It seems I have lost another friend to me being sickly and no fun. I have worked really hard about not talking about my health at all because people don't want to hear it. I either have to pay a therapist to hear me or I can throw it on here. I am not gonna talk about her today. I have already been upset about it and if I really dwell, I will get depressed about it. She has moved on. She hasn't actually unfriended me (IRL or online) but you kinda know when you have been dumped. I am a Class A loser and I have to come to terms with that fact. Period. End of story.

  At least I have some good news to report. This Thursday I am having my very first Fecal Microbiata Transplant for the C-diff. Tomorrow will be a prep day. Yuck! It is being done in Rhode Island cause it was very hard to find anyone to do it here. I found out yesterday it will be done by sigmoidoscopy and I get to be awake for the whole thing! That is not exciting for me. I am told to just relax and it will be okay. Yeah no. I wont be able to relax. I have issues that I will not discuss but being awake for that is not gonna be a picnic. Hopefully, this will cure me of this garbage. I am so sick of being sick to my stomach every single day.

  Today I have to take down all the Halloween. The kitchen is a disaster, again. The dog needs to be groomed. I have to put stuff up on ebay. And I really need to start working on cleaning up the yard. The leaves are being difficult. They are still in the trees. If they dont fall soon, they will be left cause of the snows to come. I am still painting the living room but I have got all the trim done. Yay! I wanted to get that done so I could cover the windows. It will be warm this week so I will hold off, but soon they will have to be done.

That is about all I have to talk about. I don't want to dwell on shit today. Then I will lose the handful of you that actually read this and I will be left with Bots. Bots could totally be my friends though. They would love me for who I have become!

Have a great first day of November.
 

There are no farmer`s tans allowed!

Lemon Balm at the house

*228*

  I am taking a break from the miserable existence that is my Monday to have a healthy discussion about why I am so hateful lately. If you are not in the mood to read me whine, then just do not do it. Find something way better to do.


   I am not gonna look back to see what I already said cause I am in that kind of mood. If I repeat myself, my apologies. Where do i start? Ummmm
Yeah, my gut is royally fucked. I am back on the Vanco on a loooooooong taper (day 25 I think) and it isnt working. My colitis is so bad, I feel like I am in a tight corset. If you add in that is humid as all get out, that is a recipe for some asshole comments coming out of my mouth. I am not happy and there is no positivity.  I see the gastro next week.


   Let me break it down for you. You all know I am slowly falling apart over here. This past month I have been told that the C-diff is being resistant because of my Type 2 diabetes. It doesnt matter that I am eating ketogenic now. The damage is done. I was told that my eyesight is fine for my age and my IIH is not messing with my optic nerves but my problem is Cataracts. Yes! I am a 47 yr old with cataracts so bad that they are effecting my vision. I have a check up in a year but if they bother me more before then, I have to come in. There will be surgery in my future for this. He kept saying *47 yrs old*. It is because of my diabetes also. High blood sugars can accelerate their growth. Good thing I changed my eating but not soon enough.  My hips need PT. I start this week. We know I have bursitis but he thinks i have a ball/joint issue. After PT, if they feel I need more help, I will have to have a MRI <---oh joy!

   Ummmm...Friday at the vet, Perla had a full on seizure in my arms. I thought she was dying. After that, it was decided it would not be safe to give her oral surgery. So I have two dogs (perla and Lu) that take meds to keep them alive but eventually I will have to put them down. My friend loaned us her car while ours was being fixed (rotor repair became a clusterfuck that cost $580 more). Someone crashed into to it while we slept. Bumper is fucked. It is scratched. The car is 10 yrs old so it only has liability. So to be a good friend, we are paying half. Another $200-300. We know it was the bitch daughter across the street cause she has a big long silver gash on her passenger side of her car. But we cant prove it. I am done talking to those people for life now.

In the midst of all that, I keep having pleasant dreams about my good sister/friend that dumped me two years ago. I am blocked so I cannot talk to her. So I just get to be sad everytime I have one of those dreams. And realize she has moved on and my subconscious is a pathetic loser.

 Life for me sucks. And if somebody tells me that I can overcome or I am not trying hard enough or Jesus will heal me...they are gonna get lambasted. How about I dump all this shit on YOU and then I could go have a nice day at the beach. How about that? I just wish I didnt have so much weighing on my mind. It is so exhausting sometimes. I see other people`s faux lives on FB and wish I could have a faux life too. Full of bars, fancy dinners, cruises, trips, get togethers, wine tastings, and all the fun things they seem to be able to cram into their perfect little faux lives. My hightlight of today was watering the garden and harvesting some Bok Choy. Woohoo!

It is heatwave territory for us here now. I do have a nice even tan going. There is no pale upper arms for me this year. I have been wearing tank tops every chance I can get. Sucking up all that Vitamin D. I would go to the beach today but I got that whole gut/corset thing going on.


If I could just be happy and maybe get some happy surprises along the way, that would do me a solid in life. It is just one long stretch of the Matrix until I leave this place.
Wow, that does sound really ominous, huh? I am just in a long stretch of pain with heat on top so I am moody.

I will try to be positive the next time.

Fatty Liver rides again

*245*

  I am a bit sad about Robin Williams. He made me very happy when I was down. I always knew he felt the same way I did most of the time. That is what funny people are like. Happy on the outside. I hope that he has some peace now.

 I have been slowly purging and cleaning today. I HATE cleaning up after other people. I HATE being asked to do shit but never get anything in return. Ugh. I cleaned the ds bathroom because it was awful. I dont use it unless I have to pee really bad. That is the kid`s bathroom. They are 20, 21, and 25 but refuse to pull out the Ajax to scrub the tub. I wait till I cant take it anymore. I want my empty nest dammit!
 
  I went to the endo yesterday thinking it was my 3 month diabetes check. uh huh. It was a physical. He gave me a new insulin to see if that helps with the itch. He also set me up with a nutritionist to get my food life in order. I asked him to give me the full truth about my fatty liver. He said that I have n.a.s.h.
 He said that most people with it, never know it. There is a small subset of people that it could progress to cirrhosis of the liver.  He wouldn't say if he thinks I could be in that subset. He is a very straightforward person. He will fucking tell you. So I think he cant answer it but he didn't say I wouldn't be.  I have symptoms and pain. He said  no more booze, no OTC pain relief, and lose weight. That is what will help reverse it. I am going to rely on my instincts. If I dont change, I will have major liver issues.

 That being said, I am back to what I started last year. Same time of year, Same station. I will eat the way I was supposed to stick to all this time PLUS I will give up all carbonated beverages. Something about them weakens the flap that closes off the esophagus to the stomach. I have a six pack of orange that I will enjoy this weekend and that will be that.

 Same eating as before. Low carb meaning no pasta, rice, potatoes, or breads. Lots of veggies and fruits. Low fat meaning lean or no beef, lean or no pork. Much poultry and fish. Lots of fish! Tofu and limited eggs. Limited dairy but I will consume some but low fat. I will use vegan substitutes when I can.  Soy milk and Almond milk. Low carb grains, nuts, seeds, and powders. Salads up the wazoo. So if I have a chicken burger..it will be with no bread but a salad instead. You all know what I attempted before. I lost 30lbs and kept it off. 

 First goal is 210. I have 35 lbs to go. I could probably accomplish that buy Christmas. Back to the gym. Back to walking..bump heel or not. This is not a experiment this time. I have to do it forevah!

   I am basically talking to myself at this point. I know I have people that read this but nobody replies. So this whole thing is splayed out for me. If you are one of those hateful bitches...you know who you are...<---I know you hate when I do that...Fuck off! Keep your snide thoughts to yourself.
 I hardly think of you unless I post something like this one here. . Why not go make your husband happy for once, fuck him,  and stop being so bitter.

^^ That was menopause at it`s best.

Great cool weather out there. I am going to get off here and start some laundry.
 

He is gone/Mini blog break

 

  Rainbow left late last night and he just arrived at his destination about a half an hour ago. I have been crying off and on since last night. Eventually the sadness will go away, I know this. Just very hard to say goodbye.
 So I have gotten next to nothing done around here. It is a nice sunny Saturday and I am still in my jammies. I have drank coffee and I had lunch of soup. That is about all I have done. Oh and I cried. Natalie has been crying too. It is to be expected.
 Last night I ate way too much food because of this sadness and I paid for it. My stomach felt like shit all night long.

 Normally, I would be telling you how I am going to do this and do that and do this. But I think I am just going to wallow. I did sweep the dining room. And I piled shit in the sink to wash the dishes. *eating the last three Oreos* <---I am making a mistake but I do not give a shit!

yeah..I just walked away for an hour and forgot I was posting. I think I am going to stay away from the blog for a little while. Give me a few days to be sad but not spread it around like the damn flu. I will most definitely be back on before my nuclear testing is done.

Ciao for now!

I am sad

*267*

First day of the new year sucks royal fucking dirty ass! I found out today that Natalie`s friend Raymond is going to move to Virginia to live with his Mom. Sometime this month. This is the boy that has been spending immense amounts of time in my home for the better of 4 years (or more). I am really sad and I already cried a bit about it. He is like my kid and he is leaving. I know that someday I will see him again. I fear that it will not be the same. What if he changes and does not love us anymore?
I fear for my Natalie. Raymond is her PB to her Jelly. What is she going to do without him? I do not want to even think of what she might do to herself if she falls into a deep depression over this. I am hoping that she has already grown enough that this will not happen.

 On a positive note, I did get 4 of Ruby`s nails cut. That is all she would allow and I put all the Christmas crap away. It is blocking the entrance to the basement. So someone will HAVE to help me carry it all down tomorrow. I carried it all up.
It seems I have been having more and more to do lately. I am not really liking it.
  So that is all....