April Showers Bring on Rheumatism

*230* <---fat ass

  I woke up to rain hitting the roof above my head. It is a soppy April rain out there this morning. Supposed to be like this all day. I had no idea. I have been so preoccupied with life shit that I have not even paid attention to the little things, like the weather.  I am surprised I dont feel very bad. Usually rain makes me feel like garbage in the head. Days like this make many of us FEEL the weather. We will see how the day goes and how much I get done.

   I am sorry this has been delayed by a day or two. I had some stuff transpire and my mind has been elsewhere. The thyroid is fine. There is no cancer. I do have a 3cm nodule that you can feel cause it is right on the front of the left side of the thyroid. I also have a larger one in the very center, called the isthmus. I went to see my endo yesterday. I had blood work done and most definitely thyroid was in those tests. For right now, we are going to leave the nodules alone. He is definitely sure that they are not the reason I am having difficulty swallowing. If the swallowing becomes a major issue for me (it isnt just yet), I will make appointment for my ENT office. This is what I have to say about the biopsy of the thyroid..If you have to have one done, do not be afraid. They numb you enough that you do not have any pain. You WILL feel the pressure of the needle touching your thyroid. It is unnerving but it is not really painful. Maybe a tiny bit. But not gonna kill you and it is quick quick. If I have to have it done again, I wont be a chicken shit.

  As for what happened yesterday, that was a whole different scenario. Let me refill my coffee cup. Okay, let me back track a bit. I went in Thursday for my second mammo. It was done on the left breast only. Then I had an ultrasound on the same breast. They found something called a architectural distortion.  They basically said that it could be cancer or something called a radial scar. They cannot tell what it is because it is not palpable like a cyst or a lump. So they had to do a biopsy of it. Yesterday I think if I could have shit myself without embarrassment, I would have. I was having a Stereotactic Core Biopsy. That even sounds scary to me. They sat me in a chair, pushed me up to the mammo machine, pressed my boob in there to position where they could see the distortion, numbed the skin, numbed deeper in the boob, and then the mammo has a hollow needle that is attached that goes down into your.... Okay. You get the idea. Anyway. Because I am a freak of nature, I could feel the biopsy. They figured it was because my breast was so dense. There was no mistaking my facial expression. I could feel it and it hurt. The doctor just did what he had to do in a hurry. I just trooped it out because where the hell was I gonna go. They had me by the boob.

  Right after that, I went for my 3 month check up at the endo. He said I do not have to wait until Thursday. That would be cruel. He told me to call his assistant in the morning and she will call pathology to get the results. I am really afraid of the results. Radial scars are rare unless you have had previous biopsy or breast surgery. I have had neither. Even if it is a radial scar, that has to come out. They can be a precursor to breast cancer. And now I will have to have mammos every 6 months instead of every year. Fuck me!  My joke always was *if it isnt killing me, I am okay* Cancer is a whole other ball game. Plus with diabetes. That is no joke. I am sorry to sound morbid but it could be my ticket out of Dodge. Let`s just be as positive as we can. None of you will probably see this before I get the call back, but if you see it today...give me some warm positive thoughts. Let`s hope for the best outcome.

  Okay..I gotta be positive. Right? Did you all see my Beemo in the Instagram feed on the left?? Isnt she the cutest? She is a 2011 x5. She has leatha seats. She has all the bells and whistles. She is GOR--G-OUS! She rides like a dream. There is no owners manual so I have been watching YouTube videos so that I know what all the gadgets do. I should get the title in 2 weeks. I will mail out the Jeepo`s title today so that the insurance company can cut the check. I am happy to not have to drive the 16 year old Nissan around. She is a good around the town car but she does not deserve to be used for day to day use. We still have the rental. We will have it until they send us the check for the Jeepo. Since we already bought a car, we will not have it for an extra week for buying a car..since we already did that.

Kid #2 and I went to the garden on Sunday. We cleaned out the beds. There was not much weeds which was really good. We have to top them all off with compost but that can happen this weekend. We purchased some lettuce seeds and I had some radish seeds already. I am glad we did not plant them on Sunday because they would be gone now with all this rain. We have planned to dedicate one bed to just peppers. We want an abundance of cayenne peppers so that we can make some more roasted red pepper flakes in the Fall. We all loved the jar of homegrown so much. We used it all. Our plan is to grow enough to fill at least three canning jars full. That should last us through the Winter and into the next growing season. We also cleaned out the strawberry patch. There is room in the middle for something. I was thinking one cantelope or one watermelon plant but I dont know. One solitary something that can use that space to its advantage. I have to think about it.

  My fat ass has been eating crap. I gained as you can see. Fuckers. I wont hit the 240 mark. I will NOT! I REFUSE! I need to just hope to get in a better mindset. After I find out if I have breast cancer or not.

You all have a wonderful week.  I am going to take my meds, drink my coffee, eat some eggs, and clean my room.

Peace!

Life can be shit

 *225 at gastro, 230 at the hospital*

  The massively large blizzard with two feet of snow will not happen for us on the shoreline. We had some snow early this morning but it quickly changed over to ice and rain. That is gonna be fun to clean up. We will have to go out in it while it is still relatively warm so it doesnt completely freeze. Ugh

 I started this blog post before the blizzard. Stuff got in the way and I never got to it to finish it. Oh well. Then life shit all over us. Let me get a coffee while you watch Jenna put rhinestones on her face.....Okay, I am back. Instead of another cup of coffee, I made myself a horking big salad. That is how I roll at 10am. I went to get the cream and forgot I bought a rotisserie chicken breast the other day. Salad it is! I have been eating alot of crap lately and not following the way I have to be eating. I have not fallen completely off the rails but... cookies and crap have happened. I have to just do this one day at a time and fight the urges to eat garbage. It is my addiction to sugar and wheat that I am fighting. So this morning I will start off with a mixed green salad with half avocado, cut up chicken, a couple cherry tomatoes, a tablespoon of blue cheese, and some dressing. Good start to the day. At noon, I have an appointment to get a massage. A well deserved one after the last week I have had.

This is my poor Jeepo. She is totaled. She is no more. Last Friday, a guy veered in front of me as I was going straight and we had a head on collision. Kid #2 was my passenger. We are sore from the accident but no broken bones thankfully. We have a rental until the total loss paperwork goes through. That could be about 2 weeks. Our mechanic has gotten his license to sell cars. He has been going to the auctions to get for him to sell. He is going to get us a new to us SUV and only charges us a small finders fee. He will be able to check the vehicle to make sure it is not a piece of shit. We are hoping for another Jeep but we have a few specifics that we asked for. He goes every Wednesday, we gave him money for the auction, and he will text us when he sees something. If we do not get anything next week, we can get something the following week. I dont want to wait for the check for the total. Let`s just get something so I do not have to drive the Nissan aka clown car around. She is a good old car but she is rickety and 16 years old. I do not want to kill her. That is why I am glad we have the rental.

  And the other shoe is health wise. So I went to have a mammogram and have my Thyroid biopsied. Insurance is going away so might as well get these things done. Next day I get the call. I have to redo my mammogram which is not a big deal to me at that point. The girls are dense and I always have to have a redo. But I stupidly went on MyChart to check my appointment times. My boobs have two appointments. One for a mammo redo. One for my left breast only for an ultrasound. That does not make me happy at all. The second part of the phone call was about my thyroid. It seems that the nodule (or more) have grown to the point that I need a biopsy. That is next Monday. I am scared shitless of needles in my throat. Shitless! I have finally figured out a few things though. The swallowing issue I have been having that is not my esophagus is most likely my thyroid. And my itching is most likely my thyroid. I worry that they will want to remove it. I am not worried about cancer with the thyroid because that is a very remote possibility and if it is, it is one of the easiest cancers to survive.  So yeah. Life is shit right now.

And it is fucking cold! It is Spring and it is freezing.

I gotta go. I took too long to write this and I still have to take a shower before my massage. I will report back on Monday after the biopsy unless I have died of fright.

Namaste

Living in ADHD Wonderland

*249* <---stress ate over the weekend

    Ruby, our three yr old puggle mix is on 500 mg of Cipro 2x a day for like 10 days. She has mastitis in her back nips. For three days I thought she might have breast cancer. I was a wreck! After spending a large amount for blood work, the vet said she is fine. The pills are slowly working. Every day is a bit better. I hide them in a piece of bread with peanut butter. She doesnt spit them out when I do that. i ate so many cookies. Too many to count. Pushing the veggies this week. LOL

  I have been learning through therapy that I live in a ADHD household. I probably have it also but I am high functioning. Some women just learn fast what works in their life to keep shit smooth. People like me are hard to diagnose as ADHD too. That being said, we know for a fact that two of them are most definitely from testing and the other has all the classic symptoms. That makes life for me extra fun!
 All the clutter. All the times they leave stuff laying around. The forgetfulness. I have to remind/nag to the point that I am a asshole. I have to basically do everything. I have been complaining for years but I finally know why this family is the way it IS. I read this article (20 things to remember if you love a person with ADD) the other day and it really opened my eyes to it more than before. It says ADD but both problems are basically the same. I was told by the therapist that it is very surprising that Hubs and I have been together for almost 30 years. People with ADD and ADHD as adults and unmedicated are hard to be around. I have learned to adapt. I have to learn that is okay to be his keeper cause I love him. But the girls need to stop forcing me to be their keepers. They have to go out on their own with their lives without me being their beacon.

  Yeah.. I am working on how  I let myself become a doormat over the years. Time to change that.  I also want to be ME again. We shall see how it goes.

  I fell under familial pressure and had the cable turned back on. Grrr! We lasted 3 months. THREE months! I was in heaven. They all started in on me about it when the new Fall shows started and Football.  I will be stressing the bills again but they get to watch unlimited commercials! WooHoo! *smirk* Oh..I had my 2nd ultrasound on my thyroid yesterday. I probably wont hear anything till Friday/Monday. I am not worrying about it. They are probably the same size as before. I will update if there is a change.

Gloomy and rainy day.  I have laundry going. I have to wash dishes (again). Roast a butternut squash for soup. Figure out what is for dinner. Fry bacon for BLTs for lunch. And water my plants. I ordered Kid #2`s bed this morning from Walmart. It will be here by her birthday next week. I am just doing. You all know how those days go..if there is anybody out there actually. Part of me thinks I am just talking to myself.
 Have a great Wednesday. American Horror Story!

TipToe Thru the Tulips

Ballerina Tulips

*250*

  I saw these the other day on my travels and had to take a picture. I love them. I want some for my yard. Maybe in the Fall I will hunt them down. My two fav garden colors, Purple and Yellow.

  I have had no news yet from my Endo about my blood work or ultrasound. I hope that I hear something today. I hope that I do not get a call from the nurse (who I love) to tell me *oh yeah, you have a thyroid whatever..we are gonna call in a script for you for that med you do not want to take*
 I want the Dr to discuss what is wrong with me. Just do not throw a pill at me. He is not usually like that but I am emotional so my brain goes there.

 This afternoon I see the neuro. He is the one that sent me for the MRI in the first place. Jeez, I hope he says everything is okay. Please, I cant take much more.

I really have nothing else to say right now except I think I need to make a shrink appt too. I am so stressed out. And there is no way to lower my stress right now. I love that. You need to lower your stress levels. How? We have less money and my health is swirling in the bowl. I try to do things daily to keep my mind off of it, but that does not work 24/7.

  Okay...emotional mess. Just ignore me. I will post a comment or another post when I get some results today. Wish me luck!

Beautiful days outshine the crap

*250*

  Busy Sunday here. Since we have less money to spend, Hubs and I have been making foods for the week. I just made some hummus. Cut up celery (stored in water). I have some carrots and radishes. After I am done here, I am going to cook soup in the crock pot. We have salad stuff for the week and I will bake a batch of brownies. We have to learn to live without processed foods that cost too much.     
    I am trying really hard to spend less. I saved as many receipts as I could in April. I tallied them up into categories. Food, take out, miscellaneous, and pharmacy. I am not gonna say how much I spent in the four weeks but it is more than I thought. I was sure I was spending less then I was but apparently not. If I can cut out take out all together (dunkin donuts, taco bell, $1 menus, Friday night pizza, sodas or gaterades just cause we are thirsty, and etc), I will save at the very least a couple hundred. I know it is more but I did not save every single receipt. I will this month. I will accomplish this!
  Well.....some things have happened this week. I had the MRI on Tuesday afternoon/evening to scan my cervical spine because of my symptoms. I get a call from my Endo/GP office on Thursday. Most of the conversation is a fog but she said they found  nodules on my thyroid. I had to have them ultrasound. She tried to reassure me it was okay and  normal but then she called back a hour later with a appointment for this coming Tuesday.

 Blink.

WTF?

 I have to see the neuro on Thursday to see what he has to say about the scans in his realm. Let`s hope that I do not have spine stuff going on too.


   It does explain some things. If they find I have auto immune than I probably have Hashimoto`s, which means under active thyroid. This past couple weeks I have been having headaches, sore throat, fullness in my throat like food or pills would get stuck. This past week, if I talk too much, I start getting hoarse. I am a bit freaked out still even after my friend`s that have thyroid issues told me that I would be okay. It is so out of left field. I was not ready for that news. I like when I have some level of control.  So yeah...thyroid  nodules for now that will be scanned on Tuesday.







I think I will eat TWO brownies after dinner!