Monday, February 25, 2013

Whole lot of honesty..Warning!

Remember Tab? I remember my Mom drinking it back in the 70s at the beach. If I  think back in my brain I vaguely remember what it tasted like. Maybe not. I have been drinking Diet Pepsi for a long time. I did not drink it for the *diet* factor in it. Regular soda was just too sweet for me. I do not remember when it started but it was before I had kids. has surfaced recently that diet soda is hurting my stomach area also. NOOOOOO! My one true vice of Diet Pepsi and I have to stop drinking it? I noticed that I was not drinking it every day. I would at least have one cup with dinner. I went like three days and then I went on a Pepsi binge on the third day. It is because the stuff is hurting my gut. I want it so bad that I hold off till I cannot take it anymore. Coffee has become the enemy too. I am down to drinking one small cup a day. And that takes me forever to finish. Sucks Ass! I have realized now that it is basically everything that hurts my gut. Not just that list I posted. EVERYTHING HURTS NOW! I have to drink a laxative every day so that I can go inefficiently. I wait till I cannot take the hunger pains anymore and then I will eat something.  Fred and I were each eating a small slice of cheese pastry. I had like one bite left and I couldn't eat it if you promised to give me a $100. He looked at me weird. I felt weird. I could eat a whole large grinder (sub/hoagie) to myself and now I cannot eat this small slice of danish? I went to the grocery store yesterday to pick up a couple things for dinner. I was in there probably a total of 15-20 minutes. I started feeling hot and sick. My stomach started to hurt. I ended my trip, went to cash out, and left. I notice that if I am in the car driving for a bit, my stomach starts to cramp/hurt. So now non physical activities hurt. I find that I get tired faster especially doing housework. Going up and down the stairs never bothered me but now it makes me have to sit down and rest.  It is not just in the right side anymore. It is right upper, right lower, and left upper AND both sides of lower back and right side of upper back.  My clothes are starting to hang. Pants that my fat ass could NEVER fit into, I can button and zip. Too tight still to wear but give it some more time and I will be sporting them by Spring. I am a human clusterfuck.
 I am scared.
I am scared because this is probably something serious. It has come on all of a sudden. The symptoms have been getting worse and multiplying as the weeks go by. I am worried one day that I wont be able to poop at all. There could be a partial blockage. That indicates cancer. Or I could have some awful disorder that will render my life shittier than it is now.
Which would you rather in this situation?
 I do not say these things to friends and family cause I do not want to freak them out right now unnecessarily.
But I have all the symptoms and signs of colon cancer. Even the ribbon poop. That was interesting to look up but once you see it, you know it is not normal. The only thing I do not have is blood. And I know that sometimes you never know you are bleeding until they do an occult test.

 I think I want to document these things so that I do not forget. If you do not want to read it, that is fine. I just have to post this stuff. I was holding back because I got criticized for sharing. Supposedly my life is supposed to be about butterflies and kittens for some damn reason. Not everybodies life is picture perfect. Some people get the shittier end of the stick for whatever reason. If they keep that stuff to themselves all the time, they will go nuts. This is the most benign place to share for me right now. I wont stress out my family with my symptoms and I can get shit off my chest.  And maybe someone else will read it and say, Hey..that is going on with me too. I may not have cancer at all. It might just be some disorder I will have to deal with. I know from reading that it is probably not  Crohn`s or diverticulitis. I do not have diarrhea at all. I wish I did. It would be better then this slow moving train.
I have to wait exactly 14 days from today until my roto rooter is done. I notice that my life now is separated into 2 week increments. Hurry up and wait two weeks!

I have this massively big grocery bag full of blood oranges. I NEED to suck it up and make the damn marmalade today. Those oranges cost me money and I will be pissed if I let them go to waste. Today i am going to clean the kitchen up and at least section all the fruit. If I can do that, I can make the jam tomorrow. So I think that is good for me. Separate it into two days so that i do not become overwhelmed.
Natalie will help cook dinner tonight. Chicken Alfredo. I am going to make a light tomato sauce for myself to have chicken in there with the pasta, sauce, and grated Parmesan. Nom Nom Nom.

That is what is going on in my head right now. I wish I did not have to wait 2 weeks. Two weeks is alot of time of thinking. And letting whatever is going on in my gut to ferment or grow. I just wish it was sooner.

Okay, I hope I did not totally bum you out. I had to let it go though. Thanks for listening,

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