This is day five of being in stomach pain and nausea. It seems that this, whatever it is, has progressed a bit. I used to be able to eat a large grinder with chips and feel mildly bloated and ashamed. Fred ordered me a small tuna grinder with cheese and tomato (no lettuce sniff sniff). I ate half and that was a struggle. The other half was nibbled on a bit, given to the dogs (the cheese and bread) and thrown away. I also ate half a cookie but we wont talk about that..LOL
My stomach is distended most of the time like someone blew up a balloon in there. I feel nauseous. I feel like I am gonna puke. Hours from now, when the food should be in my intestines, I will still be bloated and in mild to moderate pain. I am on high doses of acid reducers because my acid reflux is so bad, that I wake up choking on acid that is shooting out of my mouth. (pills are working) This is my life now. I am most definitely going to lose weight but I have to hope and pray that I do not waste away like many I have been talking to. I have figured out that I cannot eat raw veggies or beef. More foods will be added to my forbidden list. I am a fucking foodie for Christs sake! Now I cannot eat!
I had a lovely chef salad for dinner on Saturday night and I paid for that salad all day Sunday. I do not think I finally digested it until that evening.. Full of surprises.
I have my cat scan February 2nd early early way too early in the morning. Then I wait for results...again.....
I have to tell you this way because I do not want to be the downer of the group or Facebook or my friends or my family. I have been sick for 10 years. I know what happens. When you get sick, you find out who your REAL friends are. Some slip away from you cause they are not strong enough to handle it. Fucked up, huh?
Do you ever wonder why I don't talk about it?
It hasnt mysteriously gone away.
Do you ever wonder why I am hardly around?
It is because I feel like shit but have to keep it to myself. That is hard to do sometimes.
I know you really do not want to hear or read it. You want me to keep it to myself cause I will lower your mood. And that isnt good.
So I am alone except for my family and a very few close friends. I have told others but the reception wasnt that great. I was told that I should write about it in my blog or in a document so that those that want to read it can. Meaning, shut up and do not bring that depressive bullshit here.
I am seriously not looking for sympathy or pity. Maybe a smidge of empathy would be nice. I am everybody's cheerleader. You need an ear, a shoulder, a dollar, or a pack of chicken..I am there for you. And no one will dispute that. I think I deserve a little bit of the same kindness that I have imparted onto you. Even just a small bit.
I want to warn you that if you tell me you think it is cool that I am going to lose a ton of weight, duck cause I am going to punch you in the fucking mouth. Do not ever say that to someone with a motility disorder. They did not ask for this. They cannot eat like a normal person ever again.
My shrink actually said she was very sorry to me. She is never like that.
So I know I am fucked.
That really sucks. I don't find you depressing at all when you talk about how you're feeling. Just helpless. Sometimes when people don't know what to do or say, they do or say nothing. Not a good excuse but for some maybe a reason.
ReplyDeleteI looked up some recipes for people suffering from Gastroparesis and a lot of the food is pureed. Is that helpful to this disorder? It seems to me what might irritate one person won't for another. What are your safe foods? Do you know yet?
Heidi, I'm so sorry to hear this. Who told you that they didn't want to hear it?
ReplyDeleteWhere did my comment go?
ReplyDeletethis hole situation makes me sad. I so want to make it better for you.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea about foods. Each person is different. Low fiber most definitely. I will most likely be doing partial liquid diet. I need to get a juicer. Mmm! Baby food. Nom Nom Nom.
ReplyDeleteGrand, I don't want to say who. They know who they are. I understand that they just might not be able to handle it. This is some heavy shit to deal
with.
Meissa, I know you would if you could. Just being a friend helps me hugely.
We are here for you. The good, bad, and ugly of it.
ReplyDeleteWe ARE here for you, Heidi and don't EVER think you can't talk about how you're feeling.
DeleteWhat everyone else said. Big hugs.
ReplyDelete