Sunday, March 18, 2012

It will never happen again

I fucked up. I am an asshole. I have a big mouth and I need to learn to THINK before I SPEAK. For the first time ever with friends, I have been called out repeatedly for my bad behavior. Now, either I have never ever done this before, or people in my past were just being polite and not saying anything. 42 years was a good run, huh? Seriously, I made what I thought was a joke and I was called out for being a insensitive bitch. This person did not say those exact words but I could tell they were thinking it. For a split second, I was waiting for the BOOM! Like they were joking with me and we would all have a good laugh at my expense. But instead they were very mad at me. And then others did not like what I said. I was only joking and now I was the jerk who had to explain what I meant by that.  So I lost it. Fred wondered what the hell had me crying like that at 3am.  I apologized but I get the feeling it was not accepted. Now I have no idea what I am allowed to say and not allowed to say.
How am I supposed to know if I am ever crossing the line? The line is always fucking crossed at all given times by other people.
 I am very sad now because I sure I have lost a good thing.
So I am just going stand back in the shadows from now on. It is safer there.

As for this blog and my life, everything is wonderful.

No more bad jokes. No more talk of medical issues or health. No more weight up at the top of the screen. If I have nothing nice to say, you wont see me on here.

 Oh, do not talk badly about the person that called me out. I deserved it.


  1. You didn't lose anything you big dummy! Don't change. You are beautiful! I love you.

    1. You are beautiful too and I am glad I can count you as one of my friends.

  2. Heidi, speaking your mind is part of you. You lost nothing! This is your blog and you can talk about what you want and say what you want.

    A real friend would get that you were joking.


    1. I really cannot wait to meet you in person this September. You are a great friend to have.

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  4. I know how you feel I've been there. xox love ya