Tuesday, August 28, 2012
It is a freaky kind of a day
I did not sleep well last night. It was humid as all get out and I woke up around 3am and went downstairs to the couch with the ac. I am not in any pain but it was a fitful sleep. Maybe that is why I feel the way I do. I feel like something is wrong. Or maybe not that something is wrong but I do not know how to explain it. Life has just been down hill all year and it feels like a cloud has been following most of the time. I am not talking about depression either. There just isnt much to be happy about when something shitty is right on its heels.
This has been 2012 so far. Two friends died, a family member died, money has been tight as a drum all year with no relaxation , Fred hasn't been feeling well, I haven't been feeling well, I am still waiting for my new chapter to start, the garden was not good this year, and good people are having a hard time keeping their shit together. I realized yesterday that as much as it kills me, I cannot save the world. Your average middle class family cannot afford to pay their bills anymore. They are working, they deleted all the frills (cable, dinner out, etc) and they just cant get ahead. They are just trying to survive. And it hurts me that I cannot help. I know that I have to be practical because we are trying to survive too. I am worried about what is going to happen with our food prices in the coming months. Am I going to be able to afford to heat the house? Gas just went up to $4.06 a gallon regular today. I am not much of a doomsday person but the winter months are coming and I have not prepared enough.
I think it is all creeping up on me. This has been a very hard year for us financially. We took a hit when Natalie turned 18. Life can and will get better but being so frugal is very tiring. I want to splurge! I miss buying towels at Home Goods! I want to be the old Middle Class again!
I miss my friend. I know we were not close for quite a few years but I feel like I lost an opportunity to get back with her in some small capacity. Now that is gone. I still shed a tear over her from time to time.
Yeah. I just feel unsettled. If I could just go to bed, watch Supernatural on Netflix, eat chips and have no one bother me for the rest of the day..that would be lovely. But that is not gonna happen. I have a role that I must fulfill every single day and the world is off kilter if I do not do it.
Being a loving wife and mother is some tiring shit!