Cysts and Bills

*266*
 I had a good appointment with the Gynecologist. He told me that the cysts are not too big. They are each 3cm big. The one of the right is a complex cyst and will not go away on it`s own. On Valentine`s day I have to go have a ultrasound and blood work done. If everything looks good, then it will just have to be monitored to see if it gets bigger or not. It is causing my pain. If the pain does not go away after awhile, I have the option of having the ovary removed. I am going to wait and see. He is concerned about my wayward periods, extra estrogen and something about thickening lining. I have to have a uterus biopsy too. Ugh!  So that is that with that. I will know more later on but he said for now, not to worry.

Bills are creepy up my ass. Now, I am complaining, not asking for a hand out. So please do not take it that way. I am griping.
The electric company USED to give you payment arrangements if you needed them. As long as you did not break the arrangement, you were fine if you ever needed another one. Every winter I would use it maybe once. I tried to do that yesterday because I have a bill over $400 that is due on the 20th. I sent them $300 two weeks ago. They told me no. The company looks at your ENTIRE history with them...ummm like 25 years, and if you ever were late or carried a balance, they would not allow you to have a payment arrangement. This is going to be a shock to many. Just like me. I just paid the car insurance bill, I have held the mortgage payment, and I have A HUGE bill due at the end of next month. I am thinking I am going to break at one point.
 Oh! Plus the shop had no cars to clean this week so Fred wont get paid. He never saved a dime of that money for the future. So that means, I have to give him some money this week out of the non-existent money I have. He will then talk about how he makes so much money and there should be some.
Yup, there is and they pay bills, scripts, medicine, Dr appointments, etc etc.

So I am not going grocery shopping this week and maybe next week. I will put gas the Jeep and car, buy cat and dog food, toilet paper, and get some hot dogs, macaroni, and some hamburger. We have plenty of food in this house. I can be creative. Natalie will starve but oh well.
Chelsea`s birthday is on the 15th. I have to get supplies for her cheese cake.
I am fucking stressing.
*Hey Gran! This does not mean I want you to be quick on our arrangement!! It stays the same!!*
Winter is always hard because it costs more. But I have been behind the 8 ball because the price of Dr appointments went up and I have had to go a few billion times.
Electricity is high. Cable is high. Food, gas, etc. It is stressing me the fuck out. I have not saved one penny for my trip to Colorado yet because something else falls into my lap.
What am I gonna do? I cannot work. That has already been established. The girls? Ahahahaha! Thats funny!
I am thinking I may have to start selling off my miniature collection. I have some pieces that could fetch a nice amount of money.
Oh well, maybe I will clean house this weekend and think about it. I need money.

I need to take some of these bulbs out of these light fixtures too.

This is for a certain someone that likes to stalk:
*Laugh away you special Snowflake! Karma will be coming for your ass one day soon!*

Superbowl...Meh! M&Ms..,YES!

*266*

Fred watched the Superbowl. I read about book about celebrity deaths until commercials came on. Then I watched and waited for grandma..Oh I mean Madonna to fall off the chariot. Damn! Didn't happen.

I have been keeping busy and trying to keep my mind from wandering about what could be or couldnt be. It has been hard but I do have moments where I forget. My stomach has actually been good since Thursday. Weird.
 I have like nothing to say cause my brain is just moosh. I will be better on my next post. I promise.

3 more days.....

Dog Piss

*266*
Today I am going to shampoo the carpets upstairs and the big rug downstairs. This is because I am a bad person and cannot get my dogs to do it outside. I have had dogs for 14 years. I have successfully trained dogs even one stubborn shelter dog. These three? Forget it! Perla was never trained when she came to me. I tried and tried. She will tell me when she needs to go, she will go but then she will still do it in the house. Lu came from being abandoned outside. She didnt know how to go outside at all. I taught her that much and she goes when the others go out but she still does inside. I did find out that she is pad trained. When we brought Ruby here we put pads down. Ruby would use them but we would find small pee stains. It was Lu. I leave one upstairs everyday in the bathroom for her. She uses it but still likes to defile the carpets too.
So Ruby smells all the piss, and it is hard to train. She never tells me she has to go outside. NEVER! Then she was doing really good. I figured out her schedule and I took her out and she pooed and peed. Then when the snow hit, it is like she got anmesia. She is very hard to get to shit outside now. Take her out, she plays around with sticks. Take her for a walk, she just walks. 10 minutes or an hour..doesnt matter. Bring her in the house and in five minutes she has shit in the corner. Every fucking time!
 I was happy this morning because she actually shit outside for once in about a week. I praised her up and down.
Ugh.
So I shampoo the carpets. I need to really BUY a carpet shampooer but we never seem to think of it when we have the cash. I have probably bought one 4 times over with renting one. We have the damn thing until 9pm. Of course, Fred is working at the shop so he is leaving it to ME to pick everything up off the floors and shampoo them myself. Isnt he wonderful? He has gotta make sure he gets his money before I ever get any help.
This isnt a rant about Fred at all. It is a rant that I cannot control these dogs bathroom habits and it drives me a bit nutty. I am hoping I can crack Ruby`s code.
I understand if you want to tell me what a dirty bad pet parent that I am and I should fork over immense amounts of money in training my dogs, but I do not have it so it aint gonna happen.
 So I will shampoo all the carpetting upstairs and later Fred will bring the cleaner down and do the rug in the living room and for about 2 weeks, it will be fine and then we start all over again.
I really need to get my own carpet cleaner to shampoo once a week AND I need to get these dogs to keep their business outside.

That would be heavenly.

A BOMB of bad news and a smidge of good

*266*

I went to my GP/Endo this morning to find out what to do about my blood sugars...But I need to back track to yesterday. I had cat scan and then went about my day because I knew I would not hear anything until sometime next week. I was taking Chelsea to a meeting around 1pm and my cellphone rings and says it is the hospital. I tell Chelsea to answer it. It was my gastro. He called to let me know that my stomach and digestive organs look really good. He feels that with all the results so far and my symptoms that I most definitely have gastroparesis. He said he does not usually do the stomach emptying study but he wants me to because he wants to see how weak my stomach truly is. My heart sunk..Then he said something else. He said he was calling because the radiologist told him that I have several ovarian cysts and one of the is so large that it cannot be ignored. It needs to be seen in ultrasound. So he asked who my Gyno was and said he was going to send a copy of the scans to him right away. He told me not to delay calling the Gyno. I am driving while he is telling me this....(Dont yell at me! I do not do that at all but there was no place to pull over at the time.) So I said goodbye. Got to the place I was dropping Chelsea off, stopped the car, and burst into tears. She didnt want to go to her meeting but I told her to go because it was important.

I found out I have Gastroparesis AND ovarian cysts that need to be looked at all in the same conversation. Now I want to clarify. I have had ovarian cysts before. They are the kind that come and go with my period. My gyno (same one) did exploratory lap to find out if I had endometreosis. I did not but he found some adhesions and a small cyst. He left it alone cause they go away on their own.  Now you all know me...I am a researcher by nature. I want to know everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly.  So what do I google?..Go ahead. Take a guess.....

Ovarian Cancer! You win a gold star!!

The more the 2/3rds of the symptoms of ovarian cancer are the same for any stomach disorder like the one I am trying to find out if I have. I have the pain in my back and my right leg too. So I went bat shit a teeny bit.
But I am more informed after I screwed my head on straight. It is big enough that it needs to be seen. That means that it can be in danger of bursting or twisting itself. Those are bad. Also if it is bigger then so many centimeters, it needs to be biopsied. If it is full of clear or bloody liquid..it is fine. If is filled with a gelantinous type liquid, then I should worry. So I am going to think in my mind that it is just a big old cyst and I will lose that ovary. No biggie.

Now for some good news. After talking with my Endo  about my course of action with my wild blood sugars, I asked him about my prognosis with GP. Was I going to get bad like some of the worst case scenarios?
He said he could not predict it but he said that in Diabetes, so many things an happen to you. You could lose your limbs, go blind, etc. But not everyone has that happen to them. He says many diabetics have GP and there are not a large portion of them the the *worst* symptoms. He said I have to change my eating and watch my sugars and there is a couple pills I can take, He told me that if my Gastro wont prescribe the pill that is in Canada, then he will refer me to a Gastro in another city who he knows will.
So I feel better today. I am still in pain from the cysts. But my stomach is doing well today. That contrast flushed out my gut so I have a shiny clean slate. I will have good days and bad days.

I have an appointment next week for the Gyno. Two weeks I see my Endo again to see what to do about my sugars (he wants me to log log log), and at the end of the month I do the stomach emptying study.
Busy Busy Busy!

Shit smells like Convenience Store punch

*266*


I am home. Got the shits from the drinks but otherwise it went well. Nobody told me that stuff basically cleans you out! LOL
I had to drink two 16 ounce bottles of luke warm tropical punch sweetened with sorbitol. So you can just imagine how nasty it was. The smell reminded me of Pedialyte from back in the day. Ugh. I slow and steadily drank it. That is all you can do. You have an hour and you think that is plenty of time but you have no breathing room. You cannot chug it or you will definitely puke. So you just keep sipping sipping sipping through the straw.
The tech was really nice and told me to drink what i could. She was funny and we were joking around. I also had to have iv contrast in my veins. It makes you feel hot all over and almost like you have to pee but you do not. I had it done like 7 years ago to check for a clot in my chest but I did not remember what it felt like. So the actual scanning took about 20 minutes total and I was on my way to Dunkin Donuts.

I had a good experience.

I stopped by and saw Sandy, an old friend of Fred`s that works in radiology. She is such a sweet woman. I do not know why I do not talk to her more. Maybe I will. :) I will make Fred give her my cell phone number. She will be a good friend to have.
 I  have an appointment tomorrow morning with my Endo to talk about my blood sugars and the insulin and my gut and how that all plays together. Then the oil will be delivered sometime in the morning. I also have to have tech support with Dell work on the computer some more. Fuck I wish they would just give me a new one! I told them to call on Saturday or Sunday. Friday is no good.

Are they going to wait until it is past my FREE time, and then tell me *so so sorry, you have to pay now?*
I am going to be a tough cookie this time around. I wish I had a direct email addy or something to DELL itself. Tell them I am so disappointed. Maybe they will send me two! LOL

As for the rest of today, that all depends on my ass. Will I be sitting on the throne all day or am I all done?
I know..TMI! Too bad. You have read worse here..hehehe

You will know what happens when I do....

Forbidden Foods

*266*

I decided yesterday that I was going to really sit down and read the GP diet to see what I was up against. I have to tell you the truth, it is pretty bad. See, I am diabetic so some of the things I can eat are carbs and I have to watch my carbs. So I have to be very creative. Yesterday I found out that I can eat Malt O Meal (like cream of wheat) and it does not hurt my stomach. So I have a bowl of it beside me now. It has one equal packet and a tablespoon of light cream. Not an ideal breakfast but it filled me up and I had no stomach pains or bloating. I have to make sure the food that I eat is easy to digest. So I can have ground hamburger, chicken and pork but I cannot have a steak, a chicken wing (damn!) or a pesto pork chop. I wanted to share with you all the list of foods that I should avoid. Just so you get an idea what I am up against.

I have to eat six small meals a day so that it is easier to digest. I have to avoid high fiber and high fat foods because both are hard to digest. I have to limit my coffee and soda intake. If I notice that they become a problem in the future, I will eliminate them.

Meats: all meats must be ground or blenderized (eww). No sausages or cured meats. I can just imagine they would be hard to digest.
High fiber foods: Cabbage, broccoli, artichokes, peas, turnip greens, corn, brussel sprouts, sauerkraut, tomato skins, green beans, kiwi, orange, all berries, oranges, figs, fresh pears, all beans and split peas, lentils, popcorn, coconut, all dried fruits and persimmons.
Dairy: Low fat everything. The only cheeses I can eat are cottage cheese and Parmesan. I can have eggs but they cannot be fried.
I cannot completely eliminate fats from my diet cause that would be awful for my body and my psyche..LOL. I just have to eliminate glaring ones like chicken skin, french fries have to be baked, etc. Seafood is a go too as long as it is not breaded. So no fried clams but yes to steamers.
I can eat potatoes but not the skin. I can eat tacos with ground meat but no cheese. I can have spaghetti with meat sauce. I had that for dinner last night and I was not in pain afterwards.
 There is lots of pasta, white rice, cream of wheats, cereals, bagels, tortillas, pancakes, waffles...lots of carbs. These are things that are not good for a diabetic. So I have to balance my meals so that I have some of these carbs but not alot.
I can also drink lots of smoothies and juices. Most veggies and juices are on the NO list but you can have some of them if you juice them or put them in a blended drink. Peanut butter will help me alot! I now have to save up for a juicer. That is going to be tough. I have got winter bills up the ass and there is really no breathing room for a good juicer. It will just have to wait until Spring.

So that is about it.  I went to bed hungry last night. I think that sucks but I woke up pain and bloat free. Major plus!

Time to be Zen

He is cool, man

*266*

My friend sent me this pic in a text last night. I really needed it at that very moment. It made me laugh out loud actually. She titled it Zen Jesus. I was asked my therapist if I was spiritual. Not necessarily religious but spiritual. I had to be honest and tell her no. She told me that in the future, maybe I could use that as a way to deal with what I have coming ahead of me. I am not looking to sign up for any religious organization. I am a pain in the butt Catholic, I do not go to church, I believe in God. I believe there is a heaven and a hell but I am not praying or praising anything. I guess some Christians would say that I have a one way ticket to hell then. But I do not want to get into that right now.

 I need to find a way to be okay with whatever comes my way. I compare this to finding out you have a terminal illness or a bad form of cancer. There is going to be no cure for me. It could stay the way it is or it could get worse. I am 43 years old. How long will I survive not being able to eat? These are things I am thinking about. Not saying that people in their 60s or 70s are more deserving of this kind of fate. But I have some more living to do. Is it going to be quality living? I do not know at this point.

Going to have to figure out how I am going to deal with all of this. First I need to get my eyes checked It has been awhile. If I have a fucked up gut, do I have fucked up eyes? I do not think so but who knows..right?
Then I have to find a way to deal with what I have been given. This is going to be my life, for better and for worse.
I have to find a place in myself that will be okay with this, deal with it, do my utmost to keep it in check, and live as good of a life as I can.

Still sucks major ass though!

Cat scan tomorrow. I have to be there at.....630am!! Then I have to drink a contrast for an hour (i hope I do not puke) and then they take scans for 15 mins (i hope I do not puke). Then I will wait for the results......again.