Ugly revisited

*245*

  I wanted to talk about a post that I had made two years ago called Ugly.  I was totally honest in that post. I have always thought of myself as very unattractive. When some guy ignored me because he wanted to be with one of my friends, I assumed it was cause I looked gross. I was shocked at how I could get a gorgeous guy to like me and to be with me for almost 30 years.
 Things have changed. He reinforces the beauty that he sees every chance he gets. He is giving me what I never got as a child. Being told I am beautiful. I still see the wretch in the mirror most times but ever so often, I see what he sees. He has slowly made cracks in that mirror for me. I will probably never classify myself as pretty or beautiful but I am doing better.
He loves me.

Using the day wisely

Last Sunday digging in the dirt

*245*

  Gorgeous morning. It is almost 7am, coffee is brewing, and stuff is out to defrost for dinner. I put on shorts and a tank. I will done my garden shoes and hat plus plenty of sunscreen. Today I am going to clean the yard.  I have piles all over the place that have to be bagged up for trash. Then, if my body lets me, I am going to dig up some of the spiderwort that has taken over the front yard. It is a bitch. It is really pretty but it will multiply like a mouse if you let it. I have my work cut out for me. I want the front dug out by the Fall.
  Today will be a typical day. Laundry, cleaning, bring Fred some lunch, yard work and cook dinner. This week I will buy paint to finish the walls in Chelsea`s room. Curtains, bed linens, shampoo the carpet, and find her a garment rack to hang her stuff up. I promised that I would get her room done before she comes home and I am sticking to that promise. She has a AC in her room so that will be good too.


  I realized this morning that I think I did not say what happened with my upper endoscopy. The Dr said no cancer, no polyps. I have a very small ulcer but not to worry about it. There is slight erosion at the end of my esophagus plus some irritation. This is why I was getting the stuck feeling in my chest. I have to modify my diet, again. Fred and I will be eating low carb/low fat beginning July 1st. I have already given up Diet Pepsi. The cola is bad for the ulcer. I will limit my citrus and tomatoes to rarely. Coffee! I cant quit but I can lower. I used to drink 3-4  cups (8oz) a day. I am sticking with just two. One in the morning and iced coffee in the afternoon. On the plus side, my weight just keeps dropping. I feel good but if I can curb my blood sugars, that would be even better.

  Tonight I am gonna make General Tso Tofu with rice and onions. It is poor week so I cant go out and buy fresh broccoli for it. Fred used that bag of frozen a couple days ago. With the change in our income, I have learned a few things. If you have the money at beginning of month, pay shit off early so you are not bombarded with due dates at the end. Buy frozen veggies in bulk! Buy bread in bulk. Cable tv is not worth the expense.

  Woot! I just won a $25 mastercard from Camel. I used it to buy the garment rack for the kid`s room. I have to pick up at Walmart. This has already turned out to be a good day!

The Change

*244*<----For reals!

  It is going to be a hot one tomorrow so I want to get much done today before then. It is just after 8am. I have watered outside plants, planted cucumbers, picked a couple strawberries, made coffee and consumed one cup so far. I have so many things to do but I think I will concentrate on cleaning the kitchen, getting Portuguese soup going in crock pot, bake the chocolate bundt cake I promised for FD, clean the downstairs bathroom (yuck), and work on sorting through all the shit here in the dining room. I would love to own a pretty round dining set with four chairs. I am tired of how crowded it still is in here. Everything in time.

  I have some changes going on in my life. My oldest has flown the coop and it is looking like when she comes back, it will be temporary. The youngest is working, making that green. Eventually we might have a empty nest.

  I am going through some changes too. I am in the thick of perimenopause. I didn't get my period. 12 days late so far. I was wickedly bitchy but that went away. So I am thinking it aint coming this time around. It is weird. I thought I would be happy like I joked for years but part of me doesn't like that it didn't come. I really have to make a appointment with a new gyno. I just keep putting it off.

  The other thing that has changed is my energy levels and cognitive, which I have talked about before here. Why I mention that is because I think I want to try to go back to work. Full time work. Making a living wage. Partly because we need the money. Partly because I feel I can do it and at least want to try. I am afraid nobody will hire me. I am 45 and have not worked in 12 years. I have a large gap that would be in my resume. How do I explain that? You tell them you were on disability and your resume would go in the shredder. I cannot work corporate retail at all. My right hip is a issue where I have to be able to sit down periodically so that I am not in immense pain. Baby steps, though. I have to get some therapy first to prepare myself for this. Then the next step is to talk to Social Security about it cause they have a back to work program. After that, I dont know. It has been 12 years. Almost 20 years since I interviewed. I would know where to look.




  I feel like that I could really do this. I just have to dip my toe in. This could be a second chance at earning a living. That would be very exciting.
As for my diabeetus, it is what it is. Some days are good. Some days arent. I am doing well with the low carb eating.  I havent gone extreme yet cause I have to wait for money to buy all my supplies at the end of the month. I have lost weight so that accounts for something!
 

Low carb for Life?

*250*

  I already had a long post and it deleted. Grrrr! Let`s try this again.

  I saw the Gastro yesterday. I have not seen him in awhile plus I have a feeling of food stuck in my chest area. We are going to do an upper endoscopy next week just to be safe plus it is time to have it done anyway. I am not worried. It is probably just my GERD acting up. But after talking with him, I realize I really need to stop fooling myself. I have to eat low carb/low fat and my body will feel better. My gums have been bothering me and I know it is because of my wild blood sugars. If you keep your sugars in normal range, you can halt periodontal disease. I have been eating wrong and I suffer for it. I started last night with dinner. Today`s breakfast was eggs with cheese. I have to wait till payday to buy more food that I can eat. I will not make a big production about all the foods that I lost. I will just do it because it will make my life last longer plus I will be happier.

  Kid #1 leaves in two days for her internship. Flying to her destination. She will be back in mid August. We will take this time to clean out her room, paint the walls, shampoo the carpet, and get it all refreshed. She will be coming back. But there will be new rules in place for them all. Rent will be paid and they will all help out in the house. I know I know. Sounding like a broken record but this record is getting pissy. Leave it up to my menopause maybe.  I am tired of the clutter, the mess, and I cannot do it all by myself. I will clean the kitchen today and tomorrow it is a mess. I never get to the deep down dirty cause I am too busy with maintaining. I ask for help. They say yeah yeah yeah but then it never gets done. We shall see how this summer pans out. I just has too. I am tired of it all.

  Rainy and humid. I wont do yard work today cause I am not in the mood to be a mosquito's meal. The kid has some last minute shopping to do before her trip so I will take her out to do that. I will leave a list of things that need to be done and see if Frick and Frack will do them. I am going to be positive.

Munch Munch Munch

The chips of my people

*248*

  I went to the local *seconds* produce store to pick up some supplies to make a veggie pasta salad. These were spied at the register. Once I saw the logo, I was instantly brought back to my childhood. Eating Stateline chips at the beach with my Mom. I had to buy them. They actually tasted the same. They are not greasy like Lays tend to be. Oh, I really needed that bit of nostalgia.They were made here in CT and Mass. Hence the name. They kinda taste like potato sticks. I have not had them since I was a kid. They were not around HERE for decades. Kid #2 loves them. I will have to buy again.

 

Garden possibilities

This is a small portion of the veg and herb plants that I bought this past week. All for $20. There are three types of tomatoes, kale, cukes, yellow squash, jalapenos, two types of basil, thyme, and lemon balm. Sunday was my day of yard work. I covered myself in sunscreen and had at it. I dug up a third of the side front bed. I planted the kale and six heirloom tomatoes. I will dig up the rest this week.

Potted garden all done

I found that the new walkway had a second use. I lined up all my pots that I had laying around to plant cherry tomatoes, herbs, and the jalapenos. They get full sun out there with the chives and rosemary. I found a pack of blue jade corn that I have to plant too. The yellow squash was planted in the bed next to the house. I am hoping a change in venue will yield me some squash this year. I will have to set up the poles with the string for the cukes. The season started off slow but it is warm now.

My violet babies

I have six African violets now. Someone I know was using three of them as a decoration for a party. Didn't need them anymore and was going to throw them away. Score freebies for me. I trimmed off all the dead flowers and they are all happy by the kitchen window. I haven't killed one yet.

We are still dealing with ants but they are not bad. A stray one here or there. I have traps everywhere. I have major cleaning going on. I really need for kid #1 to leave (next week) so that I can super clean her room. That is where this all started. She doesnt see them anymore but I see them in the kitchen area so I have alot of work ahead of me. I hate ants just as much as I hate roaches. YUCK! It isnt the regular clean that I always do that is helping. I have to get in the corners, clean out the heat registers, and behind/under furniture. Lots to undertake. Plus we have painting to do and a few pieces of furniture to paint or reupholster.

    I will be cancelling the gym this week (on payday). I will disconnect the cable after Kid #1 leaves for the summer. That way she has no input in the decision. Kid #2 and #3 have no say but it is better if I do not have a bunch of jackals on me about it. It will save us about $200 a month total. That is a big deal. When I have some extra cash, I will buy a couple portable coffee cups from like Walmart for Fred and I. Trips to DD are not cheap if you add it up. Two large hot coffees cost $5. If you do that 5 days a week, that equals $25. Every week of the month (four weeks) $100. In just coffee!! You could buy two containers of grounds $10, cream for a month $10, plus sugar or equal (already have) and that is just $20 a month! I am gonna buy cases of water to stack in the basement for outings. I am a fiend over this. I am just leery of losing cable. I have had it in my life since I was a small child. Fred and I did not have it for like 3 months when we got first apartment but that was fixed right away. We always had the $$ for cable. But with the rising costs of food plus everything else, it just has to go for now.

  That is about it. I have been just plugging along. My health is the same so that is why I say nothing. You know I am in pain and feel shitty. There is no reason to repeat it all the time. I am rolling with it basically.  Tonight we will have some taquitos with yellow rice and a veg. I have stuff to make a cold pasta primavera. It is warm but feels good. Do not need AC yet.

Early Morning Garden Session

*250*
 
   I had a really good morning. I was up at 530am cause the Man works 1st shift now. I had my coffee and started out in the yard. I pulled a whole bunch of Maple tree babies. I spied some poison ivy I need to buy spray for and I cleaned out the bed next to the side of the house. Friday I will be picking up some veggie plants and compost so I wanted the area to be ready. There is so much to do but I cannot do it all. I try to compartmentalize the yard into small victories.
   The picture is a unexpected one. I went to the top yard to pull a big maple baby. After I was done, I saw this. It took me a bit to realize exactly what it was. Last year I was sold ,really cheaply, three Astilbe plants. It was in the heat of the summer. Two of them had died before I could plant them. In the Fall as I was cleaning up, I took those two plants out of their pots and threw them up top cause they were dead. We had a cold ass winter. Guess what was not dead? I trimmed it, loosened the root ball and planted it right away. It is right by the top of the staircase to the top yard. I also cleaned all the weeds around those stairs plus swept and hosed all the dirt off. Looks good. I accomplished some shit. I have to finish dishes before he gets home but I really did get some stuff done and I feel good about it.

  As for everything else that has been going on. My health is the same. My throat still hurts but I will do what I am told at this point and wait for August for my appointment. Kid #1 leaves in a couple weeks for her internship for the summer. Kid #2 has already moved some of her stuff over to her friends house so that will be happening soon. We will have a empty nest for the summer. We will have alot of ideas. Doors to rooms will stay open. The girls loved to keep them closed so there was never any air flow going on. I will paint rooms. We will be a couple again. And rules will be made for when and or if they come back.

Money is tight but it will get better. They wont be here for the added expense. Plus when they come back, they will have to contribute if they want to stay. Actually cashola. I will not accept love as payment. I have not gotten rid of cable yet but I will be going to the gym on Friday to close out our accounts. It will cost me $100 total to do that but in the long run, it will save me about $200 by the end of the contract. It will get better because I have to make it better.

  Tilapia with country potatoes for dinner. I would love to have a nap but that isnt gonna happen. I hope you are having a beautiful Spring day!

Mother`s Day 2014

*249*

 First off, I want to hope that if you are a Mom or a Mother figure..that you have a great day today. I hope you are praised, pampered, loved, and treated like the Queen that you are. You deserve it!


   It is a really nice day out there today. The pollen count is high. I can tell because I ran out of Zyrtec and I am broke. This will be a fun. LOL Itching will commence! I will survive it until payday. My plans for this beautiful day are to cook a massive (8lb) eye of round roast beef. I will do mashed potatoes and creamed spinach. This is my gift to myself. I wanted to make sure I had something to look forward to today. I might make gravy too. Oh yeah.

 I have plans for the day. I have to clean the food pantry because ants found the jar of honey. I want to sweep up all the debris off the patio. I promised to help Kid #2 start packing her stuff. And Kid #1 wants me to color her hair. Plus there is laundry to do. There are always dishes in the sink.
   I guess there is no pampering today for this Mama.

 That is okay. I have come to terms with that. I realized a couple weeks ago that the day was fast approaching. I decided that I was not going to hint around or chide them for not remembering. Or worse, Scold them for remembering that it is Mother`s Day on Mother`s Day. Then you get half assed apologies as your gift.  For whatever reason, I am not worthy of being remembered on this day. I will probably cry in the bathtub later but for right now..it is just Sunday.  <---that just sounded really bitter but that was not my intention. After so many of these MD`s that come and go..I know that I just do not deserve it like other Mothers. 

  This day will go and I will be okay on Monday.

  I have a 8lb eye of round roast to get in the oven sometime soon. She is a beautiful beast that i bought around Christmas for a really good price. I saved it. Today is her day. She will make me happy. I have not had a roast beef in forever. I have made pot roast but not a roast beef. My Dad made nice ones. That is a good food memory. I hope I do the roast it`s justice. It will be very garlicy.


Off to do my list. Have a great day!