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It is St Patrick`s day today. We are not doing boiled dinner. I made our corned beef on Thursday. It was good. I do not have a stitch of green on and I do not desire a green beer. So there!
I think I am a bit depressed today. I have been waking up at like 11am every morning lately. Never fails. 11am. The whole fucking morning is gone. It is gloomy today. I made the mistake of saying that I would make burgers and steak on the grill today. I have one grill outside and I have a brand new charcoal grill that needs to be assembled. I do not want to do it. It is not hard. I have done it before. I just do not want to. I had to FORCE myself to write an article today for the dollhouse newsletter I am a part of. I got it done though.
I need to figure out a way to make more money. I have come to the conclusion that if I do not, life is gonna suck for a long time. We struggle all the time now. I never have a nice relaxing day because my shoulders are always up above my ears. I have bills, taxes, home repairs, medical bills...it never ends. NEVER!
I was going to cancel the gym memberships but Natalie and Fred do not want me to. It would save me $40 a month but they want me to continue to pay it for some reason. I guess it looks good to be part of a gym that you NEVER go to. *rolling eyes* As you can tell, my weight hasnt dropped one pound. I have not gained but I have not lost either. I am weak in some aspects of my physical body that I never noticed before.
I am just a sad, depressed person that has no real life like other people and it bothers me to no end. I cant even work a job like other people because of my failing body and depressed mind. I feel like I do not contribute one bit to anything.
What the fuck do I do? I cook meals for my family. I clean a bit each day. I read a book or watch a movie. I am a fucking taxi driver.
That is not a life. Getting out of the house to drop somebody off someplace is NOT getting out. Friends of mine go out all the time. ALL THE TIME. It is like I am missing out on my 40s cause I am a downer to hang out with.
I need to stop! You are all gonna read this and tell me to snap out of it. Get a med check. Shut up. Or you will walk away.
This is not being an uplifting, feel good blog anymore. I think the money troubles are consuming me and I cannot think of anything positive.
Like I could talk about how I will plant lots of herbs this year but then I can say that I cannot start the seeds because I cannot afford to buy the planting medium.
I could lie and pretend everything is wonderful. How does that sound? Should I do that?
Lots of my friends are doing so well and I am not. I am sad and jealous and there is nothing i can do to change that.
So I should wrap this up and attempt to put a grill together. OR I could play Slingo and go back to bed.
Oh Heidi, you are in a depression spiral, for sure. You're not going to get any B.S. from me because I know exactly how you feel and it sucks so much ass. I think the slow, drudging, wearing away of life is worse sometimes than the chaos. I haven't had a haircut in a year because there's always something else that needs to be done and it seems almost sinful to spend money for something when there are so many other things to do.
ReplyDeleteIt's your blog and you don't owe anyone a happy story. You're sad and gloomy and the people who care about you will be here for you during this time and it will make the good times all the better.
As you (and the rest of the world) know, I've had some shit going on in my own life lately and I found that just saying it all out makes it better. If you want to stew for a while then do that. Seethe at the unfairness of life if you want to. Then, only when you are ready, get up and dust yourself off and try it again from a different angle. Feel it all and keep on going.
I love you and I'm sorry you're going through all of this. And it DOES suck. The slow, crushing, soul-draining depression over finances and life sucks balls. Don't feel guilty about hurting.
The only other thing I want to add is this: Who decided that cooking and cleaning aren't important? 50 years ago what you are doing was so important it was considered odd to work. You are a wife and a mother. You create wonderful food and a clean home for your family. You drive them where they need to go and you listen when they need you. That's how your daughters will remember you when you're gone. If this is what you do and you're good at it then stop feeling like it's not enough. It's so much more than that.
Hugs to you. I love you, Heidi.
I played Slingo, got in bed around 2pm and Fred woke me up at 7pm. He and Nat made dinner.
ReplyDeleteThanks G. I am very good at putting that mask on but lately it hasn't been working. I think the hormones are a part of it too.
It is my favorite time of year and I spent it in bed sleeping.
Sucks ass. Do not worry. I will not let it get bad. I promise.
Let me wallow in my own self pity here on this Saturday night. I am 43 and in the house at 7pm on a Saturday. :(
I knew you would understand. Thanks
Heidi, you don't have to explain your sad or happy posts. OMG, now that Shep's unemployed, and I'm the one working a job where I make half of what he made, and literally breaking my back, is depressing. I feel like I want to cry every day ever since he got laid off.
ReplyDeleteJust know that what you do is worth so much. I'd give anything to have one of your home cooked meals or be the recipient of any of the motherly things you do. Reminds me of my mom who I miss so much. Your family is so lucky to have you, and I am sure they feel lucky, even though sometimes it may feel like they take you for granted.
I love you too Heidi. Take care of yourself.
Major hugs to you M. You need to spill your guts. Holding that shit in is not good. Life will get better for you and Shep. I can feel it! I am just tired of being positive about my situation and life. Too much has happened and I am too tired to smile through it.
ReplyDeleteI guarantee that Meissa's right about your family being lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, life really sucks, I get that, I've been there, trust me, I have been there. :(
ReplyDeleteTake care of you and the rest will fall in line.