What the fuck am I doing wrong?

*290*
This rant did what it was intended to do. Let off some steam. The valve had to be opened or I would have exploded. I am better now and those words do not have to be here anymore. It would be very hurtful to her if she ever saw them.
That was never my intention.
So clean post.......wash it away.........there all better! :)

Happy New Year`s Eve Eve!

*290*

Fred has New Year`s Eve and New Year`s Day and the rest of the weekend OFF! WooHoo! I love when he has days off together and especially the weekend. I have to get supplies for food for Eve. Champagne most definitely. We like a brand of champagne called Ballatore. I just saw on that site that they had a nice recipe for chicken samosas. I copied it and I am going to add it to the things we are having. Might as well go out with a bang. I will make my egg rolls, the samosas, a veggie platter, and a hot dip. I have a recipe for a chicken one that intrigues me. I am going to be sharing some recipes this morning before I have to go run my errands and go to the gym.

The first one I want to share and that I am intrigued about is a recipe from my friend D. BLT Dip.

BLT Dip (This is to die for! It's excellent with crackers, chips, pita triangles, or fresh veggies)

1 cup mayonnaise
1 cup sour cream
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
Pinch of ground black pepper
2 tablespoons finely chopped green onion
1 large tomato, seeded, drained and diced
1 pound bacon, crispy-cooked and crumbled or diced

Mix all the ingredients together except the tomato and bacon. Chill until it's time to serve. Just before serving, stir in the bacon and tomato.

This next recipe comes from my niece Kate.

Buffalo Chicken Dip
1 pkg of cream cheese
1/2 cup Frank`s hot sauce
1/2 cup ranch dressing
1 cup of shredded cheddar cheese
1 cooked chicken breast, chopped.

Mix together, 350 deg F oven for 30 minutes.
Heidi`s Egg Rolls


1 package of wonton or spring roll wrappers. (they can be bought in the produce section of your local grocery store or at an Asian specialty market)
1 lb ground beef
1/2 lb ground pork
1 egg yolk, 1 egg white; separated
1 cup of shredded cabbage
1 yellow onion, chopped fine
2 cloves of garlic, chopped fine
2 teaspoons of garlic powder
1 teaspoon of kosher salt
1 teaspoon of black pepper
1 teaspoon of soy sauce
1/2 teaspoon of sesame oil
pinch of cayenne pepper (optional)
pinch of red pepper flakes (optional)
Vegetable Oil for frying

Put 2 inches of vegetable oil in your frying pan and start heating.

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl (minus the egg roll wrappers and the egg yolk) Put egg yolk in small bowl. It is going to be used to seal the wrappers.
You will see on the package that it shows you how to wrap an eggroll. But I am going to give you the instructions right here.  When I am almost done wrapping an egg roll, I dip my finger in the egg yolk, put a dot on the edge of the wrapper and then finish the roll. That way I never have to worry about them opening up in the oil.
Put your egg rolls in the oil when it is hot enough to cook. I do not have a set time that I cook. I cook on medium high heat. That way the meat has a chance to cook on the inside, and the outside does not brown too fast. Once it is a nice golden brown on the outside, take out and put on paper towels to drain.
We like to dip them in hot sauce and wrap them in lettuce leaves. Yum!

So far, that is going to be the menu. I will not make huge portions because I do not want leftovers the next day..LOL
Okay, it is 9:15am and my ass is still cold. I am going to change and go to the bank and the package store.
Have a nice day!

That is not what I expected.

*290*
I am sort of confused. Maybe a little bit baffled. And most definitely slightly pissed. This Neurologist told me that he had never ever had anyone come to him with my problem. That he did not know what it was and he could not help me. My Neuro tests that he did in the office were perfectly fine. Thank you for your co-pay and have a nice day!
Okay..so I guess I have to fall down the stairs backwards for this to BE something. I have an appointment next month with my GP. He will know what to tell me. I do not want to bother my neurosurgeon if it is NOT neurological. But I have had a strike two with this fucking office. The worst part is, that is the ONLY neuro office in my area. I cannot go to the one in the next town cause my insurance will be a bitch about it. Ugh!
Maybe my feet are screaming and straining from my heaftiness. At least he did not tell me  it was cause of my weight. But it was a nothing visit. He did not offer any help, direction, or a lollipop!
I guess I will just ignore it for now. I do that with many things. When you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, you get all kinds of weirdness going on. Like for the past 2 days I have been cold. Now it IS winter..but the house has been warm. And this thermometer says it is 68 deg F in here with the portable heater/blower going. But my hands are ice cold. I am a freak..LOL And not in a good way.
  Maybe I have a new skill of being able to feel earthquakes in other countries with just my right foot! Imagine all the money I could make! I would be a rich bitch.

 So yeah, that is why I did not say anything about it yesterday. I did not want to go on a long assed rant so I let it simmer for a bit and now I am just over it.
I am supposed to go to the gym today with Chelsea but she is not up yet. I will wait till 11am and if she does not show up downstairs..I am gone.

Another year under the table

My Neighbor Dec. 2010

*290*
I walked the dogs last night a little later then usual so I could take this picture. I am pretty sure he will be shutting it down soon. This picture does not do this house justice. He has the entire house covered in lights, including the roof. The yard is full of blow ups and plastic mold ornaments. He even has a plastic mold snowman on the roof. I would LOVE to see his CL&P bill. Connecticut is one of the highest states in terms of electric rates. When I get a light bill that is under $150 a month, I am shocked. Granted, there is basically always someone home in my house. So there is always something running. But that is how life is. I do not have fancy fripperies but I can pay my whopping electricity bill. I guess when we are ready to get out of CT, we can take our CT money with us and live high on the hog. I hear it is sooo much cheaper in other areas.
Anyway.
I had a hissy fit at the gym yesterday because of the 290. I am okay now but I am more determined then anything. Natalie and I danced some of the songs on the Just Dance last night. My feet started screaming so I had to end it for myself but it was fun. There is a sweat mode. You can choose 1 (mild workout), 3 (moderate workout), or 6 (intense workout) songs to dance to. You pick them and then the game plays them for you in that order. There is even a warm up part. I want to do more of that. The gym and the dancing will make up for the icy sidewalk days of not being able to go out for a walk walk.
 I have that appointment with the Neurologist this morning at 830am est. For those of you that know me a long time, I will NOT be seeing Dr. Wet Noodle. He is not in the office anymore. There is a really really good Dr. in there now. He is one of the best in the area. They (and I) did not know if I should see HIM or go back to my Neurosurgeon because of my foot issues and my balance issues. They are going to look at me and then determine if this is something my surgeon should deal with.
Short Story..Dr. Wet Noodle was a young neurologist (the only one in that office!) that had that limp, cold, wet noodly handshake. He would not look you in the eye. The kind of person you want to slap back to reality. Come on dude! He told me that all my problems were not neurological. That maybe I needed to go back to my GP or go to a circulatory Dr. WTF! All I wanted was to get to go see the Neurosurgeon but you needed a referral to get in. Wet Noodle wouldn't do it!  My GP is best buds with THE surgeon that I wanted. Guess what? Two herniated discs and one was pressing really badly. That is why my foot would curl around the brake pedal, Asshole!! Now when I go in the office, I just tell them that I used to see Elijah. hehehe I do not even use his last name or Dr. This neurologist is going to see that I was not fibbing. He better not start on my fatness either. I hate when they blame EVERYTHING on your weight. I am trying to lose weight. Many people know this for a fact. I have had some obstacles thrown in my path but I am still doing it.
Fred might go with me to be my advocate. You need a fatty advocate when people do not believe that you have been doing what you say you have. Wow, that was a long sentence! LOL
So I will let you all know what he says. Hopefully it is nothing. Just a blip on the screen.

Does anyone want a slightly used feline? Anybody?

Oliver 

*290*

  It is 4am but I was awoken at 3am to a large crash downstairs in the livingroom. Oliver was up to his new tricks again. He knocked my pendulum clock off the shelf high on the wall. He had to do some acrobatic shit to get up there too. The clock is fine. One of the Santas I had up there is MIA  but I will find it before everything is put away until next year. He is the reason I had to go to the hardware store yesterday and buy a hook/eye lock for the basement door. Our basement is sort of finished. The previous people put up wall board and insulation but not the flooring..good thing cause the basement leaks in the Spring. Last March was a doozy. *Oh..I just remembered! I have the replacement hose for the sump pump that I have to attach. I will do that this weekend. Good thing I was typing this and remembered, huh?*
Anyway, it was not done very well..so there are gaps in the wall. After MonsterFace died, Oliver has been going behind the wall and pulling out small pieces of insulation. At the time I could not figure out where he was getting it from. So this past week I was working on the Arthur dollhouse, I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back there was a HUGE piece of it on the floor where my feet would go under the table. A love gift? So that was enough. I went downstairs and hunted and figured out that where he was getting it from was NOT an easy fix. So I put up the hook/eye. He is not impressed.
He needs a companion. He had Monster and now he is the lone cat in the house. The dogs are not doing it for him. Lu loves to bark at him and chase him up the stairs..LOL She does that because Oliver will jump down from a high place like a Ninja and scare the piss out of her. Fair is fair!
 I think it is hard to get kittens this time of year. That is mostly in the Spring. I will get him a girlfriend or a boyfriend as soon as I can.
 Now I am awake and will stay awake until the nighttime. Ugh!

WTF! It seems my scale is broken

Halloween 2010

*290!!!!!*

I went to the gym today with Chelsea. Natalie stayed up late with her buddy so she was sleeping in and did not go. We were having a really good time. Treadmill, stationary bikes, some of the circuit machines. I had to go to the rest room. As I was leaving I saw the scale by the door. 290!!! I stepped off and stepped back on again. 290!!!!! I did not have rocks in my pockets. Chelsea got on it later and weighed herself. She said that the scale at the gym weighs her the same as the scale they have at her office.
290!!!

That is 10 lbs from 300! I am only 5'3".  I am not going to become depressed because I am a fat motherfucker. No. This is what I needed. THIS was my fatty rock bottom. I REFUSE to go into the 300s. REFUSE!!!
Lunch today was a bulkie roll with veganaise, coarse mustard, baby spinach, a slice of tomato, alfalfa sprouts, slices of avocado, and tuna for one (in those pouches..no mayo or veganaise on tuna). On the side I had 4 whole marinated mushrooms.
Right now I am having a cup of coffee with soy creamer and one teaspoon of sugar.
That is it! I am done. That is the only picture I have of myself in my current state right now. I MAY have one of the girls take my picture to add but for now that is as good as it is gonna get. I even look like my Mother! OMG!
Yup, this is it. I am way beyond motivated now. Fucking 290. FUCK!!

On a good side note..I did all that shoveling yesterday and I am not in any pain today in my back or elsewhere. Good for me! I was a tiny bit worried that I might have over did it but I did not.
It is going to warm up this week so I am hoping to get an outside walk in. I still fear falling and what it could do to my discs.
I go to the Neuro tomorrow early in the morning to talk about my foot. Seeing if they can help me or maybe I have to go back to my Neurosurgeon. I will let you know how that goes.

Muse! Oh where have you been???

*286*
These bits of wood on the table are the makings of my Muse coming back to live with me. She has been gone at LEAST 2 years, maybe more. I have had so much bullshit stuff go on in my life and in my family`s lives that she just left one day...Never to return. I would stare at my barren, unfinished dollhouses and wonder..WTF!
So my friend D gave me this little piece of salvation. It is a half scale Greenleaf Arthur. She is sending me a half scale Rosedale pretty soon too! Goody!! And I have half scale furniture to build also. I have so many kits stashed around. She kept sending me things to see if it would peak my interest and it never did. I have a half scale (i think) Lighthouse to build. I have a Greenleaf Village to build. I tried. It is not like I did not try.
So for some reason, this little Arthur has changed things. It is half the size of regular dollhouses. So I can store it on a shelf or on my dresser with no problems. I think I might like building these. Send me more!! LOL

 This is how far I have gotten this morning. Those two roof pieces will not line up. FUCK! I kept playing with them over and over. I just gave up and added the glue. The shingles will hide it. The trim will hide it. It will be fine. Stop being OCD about it Heidi.
She is a little beauty. Some of you are not dollhouse aficionados  like some of my friends, so you all just wont get it. And that is okay. You were`nt meant to get it. But maybe one of you still harbors the want of that dollhouse you never got as a child. Seeing me fiddle with them...you might want to build one. Just let me know. I can give you advice and I have friends that can give you advice. Very nice people.
Okay, I am going to start working on painting the porch floor today. I think I am going to repeat a diamond pattern I have done before.
Toodles!

It sure was windy last night!

*285*This picture up top is what I saw when I looked out the front door this morning. That is a deacon`s bench and it was flipped over along with a bunch of my gardening stuff. The door was wedged shut. So I waited until I was ready to shovel and got dressed....

This is what I saw when I went outside. Those are my footy prints. Went halfway up my calf as you got into the yard. The city had come and treated the street before it snowed. The walkway and steps were a bitch but the front of the house where the car is parked..that was a dream to shovel...

Heidi is a Shovel Queen! And the garbage guys came and I brought all the trash and recycle down the steps myself. I usually have help cause sometimes I still act like an invalid who cannot do shit cause of her back (fat).
I took that picture about 15 minutes ago. Guess what? It is snowing again! Fuckers! It is supposed to do it on and off until noon. I will leave it be and not bitch about it. I did my part. Now if those assholes down the street park in front of my house after I just shoveled...there is going to be serious hell to pay.
I think I got my exercise for the day..Dont you?

We are gonna have a Bleezard!

12/26/10 8am

*286* It was higher but I laid off the crap

The National Weather Service has issued a Blizzard warning for my area (Southeastern Connecticut). Accumulations from 11-16 inches but if the snow bands come in just right..there could be lots more! I went out this morning and covered the motors of both lawn mowers. SOMEBODY neglected to do this in the Fall. They will be okay. After I finish up here, I have to go outside, under the front porch, and find the second shovel. That picture up top is part of my back yard. I am standing on the patio and those stairs lead up to our top yard. Pretty cool huh? Since my back is better, I think I am really going to do something with that area up there now. I wanted this to be a marker for you all. So when the dust has cleared, I will take another picture of the same area..then you will get an idea. I probably wont even go out in it..Just open the door and take a picture! LOL
We have heating oil and portable heaters. We have food and beverages. We have entertainment. Fred has to work tonight unfortunately. He is acting like it not a big deal. I hate when he does that. Big bad Fred is not afraid of some snow flakes. He is going to go in early and TRY to stay overnight at the hospital. That way I will not worry and his ass wont be trying to drive home in that shit. Mucho overtime, Mucho money to spend on oil for the tank and my birthday next week!

So I am going to start working on this half scale Arthur. I have built 3 full size Arthur dollhouses but never another scale. So I am familiar with it but it will be different. It is going to be wedgewood blue on the exterior. I think I will do that first and then I am work on painting the exterior trim. It is a laser cut kit so it should be a snap to put together! This is what I am going to do during the blizzard.
I am also going to cook. I cook when I am worried and nervous. I want to make a jambalaya. I have all the meats for it so that will be easy. Shrimp was cheap during the holidays so I bought a big bag for the freezer. It will last us for a month or two, depending on what I make.
Natalie`s bestie Raymond is going to probably stay over tonight. They are going to watch the Twilight movies that she has (all three so far), play the Just Dance 2 game, and just hang out. I love Raymond.
Okay, time for me to go. I need to dig out that shovel!
Send thoughts out for Fred tonight.

I am going to Just Dance this shit off!

*Not talking about it cause I gained weight..LOL*

I already own Just Dance (1) and we loved it but once we got to knowing all the songs, we just did not play it anymore. Now that we are really serious about losing weight and being fit, I think having part one and now part two will do the trick. This video is very innocent. Oh that isn't hard. No but you do start to drip sweat. If you are not in the best shape, it is going to give you a work out.  I want to include this in my weekly rounds of walking the big hill and going to the gym. If you go on YouTube, you can see alot of the different songs for it. It gives you an idea how easy or difficult some of the dances are. They added a sweat mode which I like even better.
I know there is the new kinectx (sp?) thing with Xbox 360 but I have a Wii and I am not buying an Xbox..so this is good enough. We loved it and it got us laughing!

Merry Christmas!

Can you spot Perla in this mess?

 

 

 

*I am not even...*

I am awake and I am drinking my coffee. It has been a really nice Christmas. I did not want to be all braggy like on Facebook about what I received because there are probably some people that did not get much or anything at all this year. So I will talk about it on here! They got me everything that I wanted! A pair of 14 k gold hoop earrings, a replacement piggy bank for the one that we smashed open, the new version of the Wii game Just Dance (that will work some of the chunk off), those salt and pepper grinders you squeeze together and they grind over your food, my own set of gloves so I do not have to dig in the pile.

I collect Nutcrackers. I have had to toss a few over the years because the glue disolved (because they were cheap) but Fred is always good at getting me the real deal. This is a Nutcracker from the Nutcracker for 2010. Isn't he gorgeous?

I have wanted one of these photo frames for a very very long time. I just pop a digital card in the back and presto! It will work.I have to decide where I am going to put it. I want it in a place that everyone can see my goofy family. LOL This gift made me very happy!

Hamilton Beach Brew station

I am so happy about this gift! I had the first brew station when it came out like five years ago (or longer then that). Fred gave it to me for Christmas also. It kept the coffee warm for like 2 hours. It died after a long fruitful life. Today I got the updated version! I have been using a crappy coffee maker for over two years and now I have this!! I know some of you are probably laughing me but I am a coffee lover. This thing keeps coffee warm up to four hours. You can set your brew strength, you can have it brew your coffee at a specific time, it can make iced coffee! I love it!!!!!

This is from Chelsea. It may not seem like a big deal gift but to me it is. I can brew my coffee, fill up my ceramic cup with rubber top and hot hand  holder, go out the door, and save the enviroment! I am using it right now.

I received some great gifts from my friends. Miss Tia sent me a much needed 2011 calendar and a gift certificate to Starbucks! Yee Haa!
My bestie friend A. brought me over a big old tub of donut muffins (God help me!) and something called Coquito. It is like a Puerto Rican Egg Nog. At the end of this blog, I will post the recipe. It is spiked heavily with Rum and it is oh so good! Yum!
My other bestie friend D. sent me a Muse. I have been in a dollhouse building slump for over two years. I think the whirlwind that has been my life has scared the poor muse into a corner someplace. So D. sent me a half scale Greenleaf Arthur kit, with shingles and siding, and half scale furniture too!  I am going to wait until today dies down to open it up and spread out the contents!

So it has been a really good Christmas for me this year. I tried Brie cheese for the first time too. It could only get better from here!
Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you are having a wonderful day too.


Coquito is a traditional punch served at Christmas and New Years celebrations. The drink is similar to eggnog with rum. This particular recipe does not call for raw eggs. Nor does it call for you to crack open a fresh coconut. It's a very simple mixed drink.

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 1 hour

Total Time: 1 hour, 10 minutes

Ingredients:

• 2 15-ounce cans cream of coconut
• 2 14-ounce cans condensed milk
• 6 ounces white rum (use less if you like)
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1 teaspoon coconut (or vanilla) extract

Preparation:

1. Mix all ingredients in a blender. 2. Refrigerate for about an hour before serving. Serve cold.
Serves: This recipe makes about 36 ounces
*A. told me to keep it in the freezer. Damn thing is not frozen..more like a drunken slush...hehehe*

It is Christmas Eve!

It is Christmas Eve at 3:20pm EST. I have been very very patient. Fred and the girls went and bought me multiple presents! I have not gotten more then one present on Christmas in like 20 years. We always did for the girls because they were kids. But they arent kids anymore. One is an adult and the other is almost an adult. So this Christmas it is about ME!
I am so excited. I wonder if I am going to be able to sleep tonight. I will try to not feel badly. Everyone else only got a specific amount of gifts because we are trying to not make it about the gifts anymore. Fred did not fall in line with the plan.
So when you think of me tonite..realize that I am BURSTING at the seams! LOL

 Oh, Natalie and I went today and signed her up for PF. So she has her own gym membership. I told her that I would pay for it until she got her own full time job. Then it is her responsibility. If it does not snow way too much..we are going to go on Monday!

I will be on tomorrow to tell about the goodies that I get. Have a great Christmas Eve.

I promised pictures.

 

Top of first hill

I went walking this morning and it took a little bit over a half hour. Fred went with me and he decided to add something to the route, so it took a little longer and much more bitching on my part.
This first picture is the top of the hill I face every day since 1998. This is the hill that I spun completely around on in the car when it was covered in ice.

 

Beginning of the son of a bitch hill

This is the bottom of that hill I complain about. The thigh killer. Look as far as your eye can see all the way to the top near that tree cover...where you cannot see sidewalk anymore...See it? I have a continuation picture to that one.

That last telephone pole is Crescent Street

It is kind of a joke between Fred and I. The top of this hill is Crescent street. The Crest of the Fucker! This is about the area where I start really wheezing, bitching and moaning. And not in a good way. Oh Mama I hate this hill. I plan on being able to make it up there with no problems at all.

Motherfucker!

That first hill in the picture...remember that one? Well when my walk is ALMOST done, I have to face THAT hill but in reverse. This is NOT an optical illusion. I was standing at the bottom and staring up the hill and I took this picture. I took it in the beginning of our walk cause I was afraid I would be too asthmatic to do it later. That house at the top with the Christmas blow up lights their ENTIRE house at night..even the roof! It is pretty cool. I should take a picture to show you. I have to walk this hill to the point of that white house in the right corner..that is my street. The hill continues up up up and there are some college track kids that use it in their exercise.

There you have it. Now you know what the hell I am talking about and that I am not being over dramatic or a big ole baby. This hills are big, steep, and they kick my ass! LOL

Christmas cooking

The beginnings of Collard Greens

*281*

Yesterday afternoon and into last night I was making food for Christmas...sort of. Fred has to work (2nd shift) on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after that. Sucks, huh? It is okay. He had Un-Turkey day off and he will have New Years off. So I decided instead of him eating his special dinner re-heated at work..I would cook now. He had yesterday off so we had carne asada tacos (like on TD), chicken enchiladas, pico de gallo, and home made corn chips. It was good.
Yesterday I made the collard greens and potato salad. We are having BBQ pork ribs on the charcoal grill outside and they will be slathered in Arthur Bryant`s BBQ sauce. Kansas City Baby!
 I am also going to make cookies for a party for Natalie. She told me that she needed them for today..YESTERDAY! Grrr.
 As for Christmas dinner and Eve..Chelsea is cooking a Vegan feast for us on Christmas. She was going to make something with Lima beans but I nixed that shit right away. I HATE LIMA BEANS. Always have, always will. She was gonna make a stew and it was going to have 2 pounds of them in it. Ugh. Nope. So she is going to make something else. I will let you all know about it when it happens. I think I will make Christmas eve easy. I have some shrimp in the freezer that I bought in beginning of December. Make a shrimp cocktail. I have a brie wheel. I can make some artichoke and spinach dip. Maybe order a pizza. I need to call them today to find out when they close on Friday.
 So that is basically it...This month and year are almost over. And my lust for cooking will never end, just the volume will be turned down a bit..LOL

Climb every mountain.....

*281*

After my little bitchfest yesterday, I took a walk. I bundled up in warm clothing, strapped on my sneaks and walked the two mile route that Fred and I had mapped last Winter. I will take pictures of the hills today when I go on the walk again. Parts of it were okay..other parts were brutal. I have to walk up this steadily inclining long stretch of a hill that peak like a motherfucker near the top. I refused to stop. I was not going to be that fat chick that cant finish. I huffed and I puffed but I made it up that hill. Then it is all straight ways through a park and the area near some schools, then you walk down a hill..more straight ways until I have to go home. I have to walk up this very steep hill. It is a bitch to drive down when it is snowy or icy too so just imagine! It is a one way street going out so that is the only way.
I did the two mile in 30 minutes (started at 944am ended at 1017am).
 I do not think the pain in my leg is sciatica. Because it was hurting me as I crested that big assed hill and I walked with it until I got down the bottom of the other hill. I rested at the park near my house on a bench for 5 minutes. The pain went away and when I got up it did not hurt. I am thinking it is the Meralgia Parathetica that I have been dealing with since I was preggers with Chelsea (22 years ago). Google it if you like..it is a pain in the ass sometimes but mostly you do not even know you have it.
 My back pain felt great too until the evening. I think my back hurts because the muscles need some stretching and building. I do not want to end up having surgery again on my spine if I can help it. So I think I have hit my fatty bottom. I have to do this every day, rain or shine, otherwise it is  never going to work. I will get frustrated because I will not see any results and I will give up...again.

As for the Bitch I was talking about..She is no longer my friend. I dumped her ass. I do not need people like her in my life. Poison. She would love to gloat at the fact that I am still not working out and obviously NOT serious about it, while she is manically working to a goal of losing weight but she is still puffing away on her cancer sticks. Once she gets bored with the exercise, her ass will get fat again. (i am MEAN..LOL) I am only saying what she told me. It has happened before. This will be the last time I talk about her. The only time I do is if I have lost a mega amount of weight (ROFL!) and then I see her someplace. That would ride right up her ass and I would love every minute of it.
So let`s do this.
Not for her but for me. And all those pesky truths that I do not like.
One more cup of coffee first though...

Two More Days!!!!!

Truths to tell

*281*

I have some truths (and fears) to tell. These are things that I have noticed since I started gaining weight from 240 to now.
-I struggle to put my socks and shoes on.
-I do not fit in the tub like I used to and I am afraid the next time I take a bath, I wont be able to get out   on my own.
-I have difficulty painting my toenails...and I love to have them painted.
-I am disgusted by the way that I look. I see my Mother staring back at me.
-My stomach is too big. I am waiting for someone to ask me when the baby is due.
-For months I had nothing to wear after my back surgery because I had grown too fat to fit into them.
-I am looking for instant gratification when there is none.
-I fear that Fred will leave me for someone that is not so disgusting looking.
-I wish I could just wake up and be less large.
-Last September I wore a X-large..Now I wear a 3x.
-I do not look in the mirror.
There. I have said some stuff. Not proud of them.
I am not side show freak fat but to me it hurts physically and emotionally. I am dressed for a walk..by myself. I hope no one yells out at me from their cars.

How can I grow some MOTIVATION?

*281*

The back of my brain tells me to get dressed, strap on my sneakers, put on warm clothing (hat, gloves, scarf), and get out there and walk. It will be good for me in all respects and I need to do it..I SHOULD DO IT.
Then the front of my brain tells me it is cold outside. You do not want to sweat. What if you fall down and cannot get back up. Those pains in your back will go away all by themselves.
What the hell is wrong with me? I will go and do it if I have someone telling me it is time to go. Then I will go, I will exercise, I will walk, I will do all the things I have to do to lose weight. But for me to do it on my own...I am just plain lazy.  This is going to be a blog about fucking nothing I tell you. I will continue to gain weight, continue to bitch about it, and then body parts will start to fail because of the rampant diabetes. That is going to be my fucking life! Useless!
I do not even know why I started this blog sometimes. I am not doing any of the things I set out to do. It is just showing myself and others (if there is anyone else reading this) that I am just a talker/loser and I am never going to change. Except horizontally.  And this pep talk I am trying to give myself will not work either. I can be all *Go Heidi! You can do it! I believe in you!* but there is a thick level of sarcasm with it. I am my own worst enemy. I will end up like my Mother. I wont have the brain sucking bipolar but I will have everything else. Fatness, inability to do things, and the diabetes that will continue to march across my body.
Sometimes I think about getting gastric bypass surgery. There is a certain one that has been done, that actually helps diabetics. But I cannot do that. For me, it is the easy way out. I would go through all that pain and suffering, lose the weight, and then my stomach would stretch and gain it all right back. I have to do it for me.
Not cause some Bitch told me I was not working it hard enough. I think that should help me. Think about that fat bitch who said that I am not serious about losing weight. That I needed to shut up and stop talking because my talking while walking meant I was not doing it to HER standards. Bitch has lost weight...but her Karma is so bad that everything in her life is going to shit.
Wow, that actually made me feel better. That is bad.
But I think showing the Bitch up will get me moving enough that it will become a routine.
It is still cold outside..LOL 32 Deg F right now at 9am. I could get out there, walk , and be home in half and hour.

We will see.....

Battle of the budget

New London Alleyway

*281*
 Sometimes lately I feel like this is my life. A narrow steep hill. Not exactly my life but everyone`s life really. It all comes down to money, honey. I had to run out to the cable company this morning and pay the bill...cause we were shut off..yet again.  I am going to be 42 years old in 16 days and I cannot keep the bills paid on time. I am not spending on anything frivolous or going to the casino. I am just buying food, gas, coffee, newspaper, and the bills are just higher then they have ever been. The mortgage is paid, the electricity is paid, and the water is paid..always! I have to scrape money together to buy oil when it is time and the rest of the bills wait until I get a shut off notice and then I pay them. I am basically robbing Peter to pay Paul.
  And I know that I am not the only one. I have always been frugal. I think that I am not frugal enough now. I have been thinking of the idea of either getting rid of cable all together or downgrading to the basic package. We have the internet and Netflix (so worth the $10 a month!).  I dont know anymore.
So I am going to do the old budget dance but this time I am going to be serious. This is how much we have, this is how much the bills are, this is what is leftover. That is it!
Chelsea does not give us a penny of her money to help out, and that has to change. She either has to start giving us money every paycheck or she has to find another place to live. Wow, I said it out loud..for others to read.  When Natalie finishes school, she will have to find work and either go or stay and pay.  You see, I get social security disability. For the past 8 years, I have been getting money for the girls also. Well, 2011 will be the last year that I will get money for Natalie. She turns 18 in October and the last check will probably be in September. It will be a loss of almost $500 a month. Big chunk. Scary sort of. I know we will manage but it will be hard. So this year is the year of change in terms of money and how we spend it.
I may document (kinda sorta) what I am doing, what I am learning, and how I am saving. Losing weight and gaining money!

First on the agenda is food. I was going to get something simple and easy for dinner tonite but then I decided as I was leaving the cable company parking lot that I am NOT going to do that. I am going to cook dammit!  So tonight is going to be my famous egg rolls. I have the hamburger and spring rolls skins defrosting. I also took out a steak that I bought last month for the carne asada for Un-Thanksgiving...It was an extra and I think I am going to make it again for dinner tomorrow.
So for now, that is what I am dealing with...money and how to spend and not to spend it.

Wish me luck!

Four more days!!!

Time to get your grill on!

*281*

  Four more days until Christmas! I was able to find charcoal for my beat up assed grill right there. Yup. I am going to grill ribs for Christmas (sort of). Fred has to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (and the day after) but he has tomorrow and Thursday off. So I think I am going to do the ribs on Thursday. I have to make some potato salad, hard boil some eggs, and defrost the ribs that I bought. It is a treat so I bought them when they were on sale a few weeks ago. I will cook them in the oven in roasting pan with foil on top..basically steaming the ribs. Then I will finish them off on the grill and cover with the Arthur Bryant BBQ sauce Fred was gifted from a co-worker. Yummy!
 I have a window to cover, potatoes to peel and boil, eggs to do, and a bathroom to clean.
I was able to get the clog out of the tub with this plastic stick thing that I found at the hardware store. It was gross! OMG! So now I am going to scrub the tub and shower walls and get the bathroom all spiffy...after I do my blog posts.
FOUR MORE DAYS!!!

No snow yet.

*281*

5 more days till Christmas!
We did not get the Nor`easter or any snow for that matter. It is still cold like winter..duh..but so far none of the white stuff for real. My skin is soooooo dry. It is screaming for a glass of water. I need to moisturize heavily and put a BIG pot of water on the stove to boil. Put some water in the air. I would love to have one of the cast iron steamers but I have no room for that in the off season. I am going to take a walk on the treadmill today and then do some major housework. The downstairs looks like a cyclone came through here.
Last night I went over my friend A`s house. I was giving her some bon bons and she was making her donut muffins. Since it was Sunday, I became her personal chef and cooked dinner. Her son loves when I cook dinner. A is a great person in all areas of her life except she hates to cook. So I provide that service on an occasional Sunday. I made Slut`s spaghetti for them and they liked it very much. I found out later that her son M. had a bag of chicken wings in the freezer for me to cook for him..LOL I guess I will do those next time after the holidays. A smokes cigarettes...still. Every time I come home from her house I stink to high heaven. I am glad for this. It reminds me that I smelled like that every single minute of the day when I smoked. It gives me one more reason not to pick up a cig again. Stinky Stinky PooPoo!
  I received a package in the mail on Saturday from my good friend D..sort of a Yule/Christmas pressie. I have decided I am not going to open it until Christmas. So I through the box under the tree..and I think about it constantly. I want to take a butter knife to that damn box!!
Do any of you still feel like that at this time of year? Like a little kid that is dying with anticipation? You wanna open..NOW!
I will be good. I will leave it alone.

Okay. I need to go. I also have a clogged bathtub drain to deal with today, a wireless in/out temperature gauge to install, and a massive amount of dishes to wash. Yuck!
I better take two Advil first.

Happy Yule!

*281*

  I am a bit early but my friend D is celebrating this weekend so I am going to be early too. Happy and Blessed Yule to all my Pagan friends! Ah! Yule..Now I just have to patiently sit and wait for the days to get brighter and brighter until Spring arrives. We are kind of in limbo this weekend. There is a storm forming out in the Atlantic and it could sweep close by us here in Old CT and give us a nasty Nor`easter. If you have never been through a Nor`easter in the winter, it is kinda like a cross between a tropical storm and a blizzard. Good sleeping weather. I have oil in the tank, food in the kitchen, and salt for the walkways. We are set. Except Hubs has to work this weekend. So I am going to worry. I will not sleep a wink on Sunday until he comes home. He gets off work at 11:15pm and it usually takes him 10 minutes to get home. It will take longer, I know..so I will sit and wait until he is safe. Hopefully, he will get a not needed on Sunday. That means that there are only so many babies in the unit and so many nurses working..so he is really not needed. He would then use his PTO to get paid for that day. THAT would make me happy.

Do you see that I am slowly losing some weight? It is actually exciting to me! I want it to continue. Something has finally clicked in my brain in terms of the food consumption. We had a opened bag of Lay`s chips sitting here and I had to throw them away cause they were getting stale. WTF! Lays never get stale in our house...EVER! I just am choosing which carbs I want to eat, and junk food is not it.
 I have to run to the craft store (AC Moore) today to pick up chocolate tools. I broke my last one and I cannot finish the bon bons without it. Plus I need some bags because I am making chocolate covered pretzels to give out also.
So I have been doing well. My left heel is feeling a bit better, I am eating better, and I am going to sign Natalie up for a gym membership.  I want her to walk with me. I want someone to walk with me. I do not have a iPod so it can get kind of boring walking by myself. I do not have the money to spend on an iPod for myself..well I do but I do not spend money on myself like that in these days and times. Bills, food, amenities..that is what money is spent on now.


7 more days until Christmas!!
Are you done shopping? I know I am.

I had a brilliant idea!

Shake it!

*282*

 The other day Chelsea (my oldest) asked if she could come to the gym with me sometimes on my guest pass. She was worried that it might make Natalie mad because she was pushing in on her time at the gym. So I remembered I had gotten some coupons and shit from Planet Fitness (our gym) in the mail as a kind of Christmas pressie. One of the coupons was that you could have a friend join for the $10 a month membership and only pay $1 fee. Brilliant!! Natalie can have the membership. (Chelsea said she did not want it). She can have it and we can bring Chelsea or we can bring Natalie`s besty R.  It was a good thing I was checking shit out because I also found out that they had added a new membership feature. Free unlimited fitness help! I can get one of those skinny chicks to help me figure out how some of the machines work AND tell me what I can do to best work off the fat. WooHoo!
 I have not told Natalie yet. I am going to surprise her with it today and we will go tomorrow to sign her up for her own card. She will like that I bet. If she ever wants to upgrade it, she will have to do that on her own. Once she gets full time job after school is over, she can pay for her membership if she chooses.
I am in the midst of putting plastic on the windows today and making ANOTHER batch of those damn bon bons. ROFL We only have 10 windows total in my house so you would think I would have been done already but no. I am a procrastinator about it this year. That is okay...It will get done before Spring. :)
9 more days until Christmas! I am all done shopping, wrapping, and stuffing. I do have to pick up the supplies for the dinner. I got something I have never ever made or ate before. I bought a small wheel of brie. I am going to cover it with some sort of something and I am going to heat it on the pizza stone and serve. I am curious as to what it tastes like. I will either like it or hate it I guess. I need to get off this idiot box for now and finish the windows in the livingroom.
TTFN

Christmas is coming.

*282*
11 more days till Christmas. I am done shopping. I am still making the bon bons but I mailed out the last two packages today. Yay! 

The scale has been going down down down. I have some great news to report! My foot is feeling great lately. I went and bought a new pair of slippers for around the house. These slippers have an arch. No mega pain at night anymore. I have not had to take any Advils. Yippee!
I am dealing with an issue with my right foot and it is kind of freaking me out. I have been squeezed in to see the Neurologist the week after Christmas. When I walk up stairs lately, my right foot/heel will make it feel like the ground beneath me is moving. Not my left foot at all. Just the right. It happened very infrequently for me to think anything of it at first. I figured it was part of my numb foot from the back surgery. Now it is happening more frequently but not all the time that I walk up the stairs. I want to get checked out just to be safe. Because a couple times I felt like if I did not have the railing, I would have fallen backward on the steps..and this is from the top of the staircase. It is not my head so it is not vertigo. It is my foot. So I will keep you all informed on that...
Chelsea has been cooking me up this healthy smoothie to help with my sick gut and headaches (i have a virus). It is THE nastiest thing on the face of this earth..Ugh. It is army green in color and contains raw garlic and raw ginger..among other things. I had to choke that shit down. Blech!
But...a few hours of burping and repeating later and my stomach felt good. Really good. So she is supposed to make me another glass of it today. We will see how it goes.
It is as cold as hell out there today. Not as cold as the Midwest but it is still cold. I am going to need some better gloves if I want to walk outside. And I am going to be walking outside now that my feet are better. I cannot wait! I loved those long walks at a brisk pace..the cold air biting your cheeks, you can see your breath as you huff huff huff along your trail. It is the best. I am not saying that as bullshit. I loved it and I miss it. Walking on the treadmill is NOT the same thing. I like bitching to Fred as I force my fat ass up that hill..Motherfucker!!! I can do it!!!!
 I think I might do it tomorrow but I have to see. I still have a few more tins of chocolates to make and I want to get that DONE first before I start moving on to something else.

I will post pics on whether I have or not.

This is what I do when I am bored,,,

Ahh! Look at the little squirrel on my front porch. Isn't he cute?

I really dislike squirrels. Once when I was in elementary school, one tramatized me. I was in the garage getting my bike. I turn around and there was a squirrel at the entrance. He challenged me and made noises. I could have threw something but I was frozen in fear.
Furry bastard!

Hey! What the fuck do you think you are doing? Bird seed costs money!!

Well, will you look at that. He is a freaking acrobatic thief. He just hung there. Eating my bird seed. I scared him off. Then I felt bad so I chucked a shitload of Thanksgiving whole walnuts over the fence to the neighbors yard for him and his buddies to fetch.


Furry Bastards!!!

Back to Netflix...

I am sick

*283*

I have been under the weather for over a week. That is why no postings on here. Plus I have been getting Christmas crap done. I was talking with another friend and she feels the same way. Sick stomach, headaches, tired, etc. You start to feel good and then BAM! It smacks you in the back of the head to tell you to go lay down. Oh well. I have a suck ass immune system. I am used to this bullshit. Anyway, I had some writing to do so I figured I would get this done also. I write two articles for a miniature/dollhouse online newsletter. I have been doing it for two years..maybe three. I have a bad memory, remember? Anyhoo..I had to write the Member of the Month which is every month and then I write the Collector`s Cabinet which is every three months. That one features three miniaturists that showcase their favorite mini. Miniatures? Dollhouses? WTF Heidi? Yup, I love to build dollhouses. I love to collect miniatures. LOVE THEM. I have built houses to give to little girls. I have built houses just for me. Lately I have been in a major major slump. I think it was the back problems and then the surgery. I was just not into it at all. Still in love with all things miniature but just did not have the *want* to actually do it.  I have two majorly big dollhouses in my house (they are not alone) that I stare at everyday. My good good GOOD (online) friend D is sending me a half scale house for Christmas. I am actually kind of excited about it. I am thinking of color schemes. That is always a good sign.

Pomeroy House

 This is the Pomeroy House. Someone gave it to me fully assembled. I was so ready for it and then I wasnt. So there it sits but not for long. This past summer I found a table for it at a yard sale for $5. I was happy about that. I want to change the color again and I need to order windows (Do you hear me D? Windows!) It is a hobby. Some people spend their money on booze, slot machines and loose women, I buy teeny tiny throw pillows.

Okay...I am done for now. I am still here. I am not eating potato chips...and I will be back in writing shape maybe tomorrow.

I need some foodie accountability.

Afternoon snack

*284*
Monday
Breakfast: 2 large cups of coffee with Silk soy creamer and 1 tablespoon of white sugar in each. 2 small peanut butter cookies (home made by chelsea/Vegan)
Lunch: 1 McIntosh Apple and 1 Navel orange cut into sections, 1 large grilled cheese sandwich with Velveeta, 1 cup of Lays potato chips. 1 8 oz cup of Diet Pepsi
Dinner: 1 cup of corn nachos with i guess 1/4 cup of salsa, large fish sandwich (two tilapia fillets), 1 tablespoon of olive oil mayo, 1 teaspoon of salsa verde, 1 8oz cup of Diet Pepsi
Snack: 1 baked pear with melted sugar and cinnamon (Chelsea made it, I do not know the measurements). Glass of water.

I was sitting there and wondering why my ass is not losing any weight. So I am being  accountable for my foodie actions. That is alot of goddamn food. I could have had a better breakfast. I could have cut out the chips and ate half of the sandwich (using cheddar instead of the last of the Velveeta), dinner could have been better..I just should have eaten the leftover fish with maybe a salad.
See how the chips have wandered back into my life!!
 I do not drink milk or use creamer anymore. I have not in about five years. Ever since Chelsea became a Vegan. It hurts my gut. So the Silk Soy creamer is like 5 calories per tablespoon.
I am not planning on doing this constantly because according to my darling daughter Natalie, I could become obsessed with what I eat. She (and Chelsea) are all about saying that I should just eat when I am hungry and eat what I want. That is my problem right now. LOL They do not get it. I have to basically starve myself OR try to eat other foods to fill me up but will not have me gain weight. Because I cannot live like this anymore.
I took a brief hiatus from writing this so that I could make myself some breakfast. Dual eggs in a hole. Two local farm fresh eggs, over easy in two holes in one thin slice of  toasted Italian bread.  Really tasty!
So I may do this accountablity thing here and there because I have to know what the hell I am doing wrong. I can see it plain as day now.
Oh, Natalie and I went to the gym yesterday. I also bagged up 3 bags of leaves for the garbage collection. I got my exercise in! Today her and Hubs are going Christmas shopping and I am making more bon bons for gifts.
Toodles for now!

It is gonna snow!

*284*
There are going to be some snow showers today. Not a significant amount but enough to make me want to break out the hot cocoa supplies. I like snow and I hate snow. First snows are cool. First major amount of snow is cool (if you don't have to go anywhere) but after that it becomes annoying. I only live in New England. We get it but not like the Midwest does. I feel for you all immensely. Especially the brutal cold and the frozen pipes! Yuck!
 Natalie and I are off to the gym today after school. I want to sweat my ass off today. I deserve it for my laziness. I have some good news to report. My foot is actually doing better. I think that is why I have been dragging my literal foot about all of this. There is nothing worse then hopping on one foot to go potty at 10pm at night because your foot is hurting so badly. Lately not so much. It hurts but no hopping and some nights it does not hurt that much at all. So today I am going to walk my ass off on the treadmill. Walk walk walk. I could walk outside (which is better) but she wont do it..it is boring. Boring? We have each other, we can chat, and we are outside. Not like staring at a sweaty dude in front of you at the gym..oh no that is not boring..LOL
Last night I made a nice dinner. Tilapia, 1/2 cup Jasmine rice, and a big tossed salad. I used 2 tablespoons of blue cheese dressing (it was the last of it). I did not have any of the Italian bread. I did not need a snack afterward.
Oh..I almost forgot. I have gum stashed all over the house now. You know those round plastic cup holder containers of gum that are sold in the candy aisle? I have one in my car for when I am feeling the need for a ciggy or I am just anxious or I have kickass breath. I decided I was going to have a couple in the house also. That way when I am in the mood to eat, I just chew the gum. 5 calories for 2 pieces of gum. Not bad.
 I need to get off this idiot box this morning. I have another batch of Peanut butter buckeyes to make. I sent out a bunch and gave to others. I have a couple more boxes to mail out on Wednesday so I need to get moving on this.
Have a good Monday!

We ate, we drank, and now I feel like crap..hehehe

*283* WooHooish!

Last night I went out with my friend A and a bunch of her friends from work. I was deemed the designated driver for A and D. They needed it. I am not going to get into details but it has been a horrific past week for D and A just needed to get her drink on. I had a couple 7&7s and then I sobered my ass up. It was fucking cold as hell out last night..like cold as a witch`s tit cold. brrr! Oh, a 7&7 is an easy drink to make and I just love it. It is 12oz of 7-up or lemon lime soda and 2 oz of Seagram`s Rye/Whiskey. Add some ice and you are good to go.
We ordered a bunch of different plates of wings, sweet potato french fries (OMG!), chicken fingers in wing sauce, and mozz. sticks. There were a bunch of us so none of us overindulged in the food department.  In fact, when I got home..hubs made me a grilled cheese sandwich cause I was starving..well not literally starving..you know what I mean. :)
I was sober when it was time to go. That was a good thing cause A had way too much and I cannot carry her happy drunk ass..so I drove A and D home and I went to sleep.
I woke up this morning not feeling so great. Not cause of the booze...I think I am catching a cold. I am drinking plenty of water for dehydration and coffee cause I am tired. But yup..it is a cold. And I have grocery shopping to fucking do!! On a Saturday! I hate it. I need to get going on that now by the way.

So it was a successful night out and I have realized that I am not 21 anymore.

Peanut Butter Buckeyes

I made peanut butter buckeyes to give away as gifts this year. I have to make another huge batch today but I wanted to share how easy they are to make. You could easily whip up a batch of these, put them in some tins, and save yourself a ton of money on gifts for the adults in your life.

Peanut Butter Buckeyes
Ingredients
    •   2 cups peanut butter
    •    6 cups confectioners' sugar
    •    1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine, softened
    •    1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
    •    1 sleeve of whole graham crackers, pulverized into crumbs
    •    4 cups semisweet chocolate chips

Peanut butter, graham crackers, powder sugar, vanilla, butter

I use the cinnamon flavored graham crackers but you can use plain or any flavor really. I take one sleeve from box and pulverize them to look like breadcrumbs in the food processor. Then I add all the other ingredients (except the chocolate) into a big assed bowl. Mix until it is all incorporated.

This is what it should look like when you are done. It is going to be dry and crumbly looking. When you start grabbing it to form the balls, the dough should easily stick together. If it does not and is TOO crumbly, just add some more peanut butter. If it is way too wet, pulverize some more graham crackers or add some more sugar. It takes a bit of experimentation at first before you get the right mixology.

Mmm! Chocolate!

While you are mixing your dough and getting ready to form the balls, you should start melting your chocolate. I do not use chocolate chips but I will give you instructions for them and for what I use. For chocolate chips: Melt the chocolate chips in a heatproof bowl set atop a pot of simmering water over medium-high heat. Stir continuously until smooth. Remove the pan from the heat.
I use something called Plymouth Pantry Make your own Almond Bark chocolate covered coating. Seriously..that is what it is called..LOL I put it in bowl, microwave for 30 seconds, microwave for 30 seconds, and microwave for 30 seconds and it is all melted!  I find mine at the dreaded  Walmart in the baking aisle. I have never been able to find it anyplace else. It works so well with this recipe.

I do not have a set size on the peanut butter balls. You do not want them too big because they are a very rich chocolate. So probably as big as a Atomic fireball. hehehe. I have a two cookie sheet system. Line both of them with either waxed or parchment paper (I am partial to parchment). Form a batch of 20 or so and pop that sheet in the freezer. The other cookie sheet is going to be for the balls that have been covered in chocolate. Let them sit in the freezer for about 10-15 minutes.

I put the peanut butter balls in the chocolate, cover them, pick them up with the candy tool (go to your local AC Moore or Michael`s, these candy making spatulas are super cheap. Like $2 for a package). Then I put them on the other cookie sheet with parchment paper. After that batch is done, they go into the freezer for 10-15 minutes.

Voila!

 And there you have it. An handmade gift that you can give from the heart. They are excellent frozen, refrigerated, or room temperature. Because they have butter, margarine or even Earth balance..they should be kept in fridge so they do not spoil. A few days out is okay. They travel well through the mail system.
Enjoy!