Caffeine, Nicotine, and Dexedrine

*283*  
  I should have those three words tattooed on my body someplace. Because that is what I existed on for a very long time. My memory sucks so do not quote me on anything but I think probably 9 years. When I found out I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), I needed something for the exhaustion. I was always tired, on the couch, doing nothing, and I hated it. So my shrink gave me a low dosage of Dexedrine. Dexedrine is an amphetamine. Zoooom Zoooom Zoooom! I would take one in the morning, have a cup of coffee and a ciggy and I would be ready to go go go. That was probably part of the reason that I was able to maintain my weight for so many years. No appetite and bursts of energy. I would take it for a few months and then go on a Dex vacation for a couple months. The brain gets so used to the drug that it stops working. I was not going to take more so I took a vacation from it, restarted it, and then I would be zooming again. It was great. I got so many things done. There were some not so good things about it. I had to force myself to eat and I had to force myself to drink. Otherwise I would get low blood sugars and get dehydrated. Otherwise it was great! *side eye at myself*
  Those days are gone. That is probably another factor in my added fatness. I had to stop taking the Dexedrine.The little bastards revolted against me. I started feeling like I was having blood pressure issues but the Dr said my blood pressure was fine. I found out from the shrink that Dexedrine can sometimes do that to a person..make them feel like shit. So right now, I am without a pill for my exhaustion. I tried one pill and it was great but it was too expensive. She wanted to put me on Adderall but insurance would not cover it. So I am existing on coffee for now.  Blessed coffee with soy creamer and one teaspoon of raw sugar. Yummy! If that is taken away from me I think you might as well put me in a padded cell. It is my last drug of choice.
 I have noticed that when I walk...I actually feel good afterward. I feel like I could do things..after a shower cause I am sweating like a pig. I think it is what is called an endorphin rush. Every time we would start a walk, I would not want to do it at first. But Fred would push me because I had to be pushed. I started to like the walks even the painful ones. Because through the haze and the sweat, there was that rush of energy afterward. It would last for a couple hours. It was good. Maybe this can replace my wicked ways of the past..except coffee!