Last day of November 2010

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It is kinda blurry but that is okay. I strung blue Christmas lights on my front porch yesterday and then I had to christen them last night. It isn`t even December yet and I already have the porch lights on. tsk tsk tsk.
November was a major bust with this plan of mine. I need to step it up. No more bullshit. I am going to do it, no matter how hard it is. December is going to be worse to deal with then November and I still have birthdays in January and February. I have lots of chocolate hurdles to jump. This is the worst time of year for many (*waving..especially me*), so I have make an example of the holiday season. Today!

 Every year for the past five years or so, I have made a chocolate confection called a  Peanut Butter Buckeye.  A long ago close friend of mine taught me how to make them. She made them every Christmas, so in turn I started making them every Christmas. I give them out to friends and they love them. They are sooo good they should be illegal. I do not have a problem with buckeyes anymore. I will probably eat one or two out of the entire batch I make. And that will be for making sure they taste okay. They always taste okay..LOL. I just wanted to let you know that when I talk about these little balls of peanut butter goodness, they are not an issue with me. On the other hand, my friend A. makes something that I have become addicted to. It is called the Donut Muffin. It is in the shape of a muffin but tastes like a really good old fashioned donut covered in cinnamon and sugar. Bad A! Bad Bad Bad! ROFL  Just give me like a couple. One for me and one for Natalie. That should be good enough. No platters! LOL

I am laughing because last year, A brought me a HUGE cake stand covered contraption and it was filled up to the top with these donut muffins.  Not teeny tiny donut muffins either. These were as big as my fist.  I was doing better after the surgery but it had only been a month so I could not really do much. I would go out with Fred to the mall on a Monday morning and walk really slow to the stores. I was no match for the big assed tray of donut muffins!  I have to avoid these beauties at any cost. Ok, that does not mean that I do not want like one or two. Do not block me from them completely A. That would be just too cruel.
I also have a dilemma coming up this Friday. A and I and a bunch of her friends are going to the local watering hole to celebrate a new job for one of them. I have probably met one or two of these ladies but not all. So this will be fun for me. There is going to be drinking and chicken wings..lots and lots of chicken wings. How do you avoid all those calories? I do not want to be a total stick in the mud and just eat celery. Maybe if I am extra good all day Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (like I should be anyway).I can enjoy the wings. They will be like my dinner anyway.
See! I told you. Food bombs exploding all over the fucking place. I am cursed with a low metabolism, big ass that I have to whip into shape, and a life long love of food.  It is only 9:20am right now. I am going to go to the gym with Natalie later today but I want to get some walking in this morning, since it is early. If I wait past 11am, I will not go walk for some reason. It has to be between 8am-10am. I dont know. I am weird..you all will figure that out soon enough.
I will walk and ponder the chicken wing dilemma.....

I was a member of Gloria Stevens!

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   Does anyone else of a certain age remember the strip mall Gloria Stevens Exercise places? My sister and I joined it. She lost weight...I did not. Bitch! That place was a waste of money but they did teach me a valuable lesson. It was the lesson of stretching. Make sure you stretch before you exercise. That is all you did at Gloria Stevens. Stretching. And they hooked you up to one of those contraptions that jiggled your fat around with a black belt. Supposedly that was gonna make me svelte..like the chick, Red,  in the picture. I want to say right now that I do NOT want to look like that up there. Okay, maybe in my dreams but to look like that is lots of work, lots of work, and oh yeah..lots of work. And you have to maintain that work or it will go away. I came close to looking like that one summer but then winter came and I had to warm myself up with hot cocoa. LOL

  I did not take a walk yesterday like I had planned. Instead I raked and filled 12 yard waste bags for the curb..full of leaves. The bottom yard is done! WooHoo! And anyone that tries to say that yard work like that is not exercise is just plain mean. I can actually say that the spinal surgery worked for me. I only stopped once. That was to take the dogs inside cause their diva asses were getting cold and bored. (i will introduce you to them at another time). Today is different. Today Natalie and I are going to the gym. I am ready. I am dressed. I have to leave here in about 15 minutes to pick her up so we can go. I am not fucking around no more about this. Even with Christmas coming and all the food and goodies! I am going to show lots of restraint. I am also going to enjoy many of these yummy foods but I will continue the exercise. I must continue it. I want to be able to have dreams that I look like Red up in the picture.
Speaking of red, I have major rootage going on..I think I will color my hair today finally also. I am not ready to let my grays come forth and multiply. I will leave them alone eventually. I am only 41 (42 in January)...I want to have youngish hair still.  Okay, My time is up here. Got to get my sneaks on and move it move it move it!

 

I think that is the plan, man.

*284* Fuck!

It is Sunday morning. 11:00am EST. It is a bit nippy out there today in Old CT. I have gotten it into my head that I am going to walk today. I have not been able to get anyone to go with me anymore so I have to FORCE myself to do it. I usually had Fred or Natalie to tell me to get off my ass. Get off your ass and lets go!!! Move it! Move it! Move it! They have abandoned me for greener pastures. Fred is working and Natalie is sleeping in (she is 17..it is in her nature). So I am going to pop a couple Advil in a moment...hell...I will do it now..brb.................................Okay. Two Advil liquigels down the hatch. I am not choosing to take those Advils forever. I know I have to be careful of my liver and kidneys when it comes to that stuff. But I will take it now until I drop a bit of weight so my feet can stand the exercise. I started this blog for a reason. I started it so that I could show some progress and I have gone up. That is not progress..LOL That is bullshit.
 I know I am not ready to walk the big hill..mile or two..it is too much for me right now. I will walk to the lazy mile around the block so that I can get my feet wet again. It will be good for my back also. I do not want to get another herniated disc. Dr told me that once you get one, you are prone to others. You have to strengthen the muscles that support your spine. The only way to really truly do that is walking, outside... not on a treadmill. So I am going to wait the 10-15 minutes for the pills to kick in and then I will go. I will take some pictures of my journey too.

Here a binge, There a binge, Everywhere a binge binge

*284* Dammit!

  That is the cherry pie that I made for our Un-Thanksgiving. It is all gone now. I had two pieces. Now I was told that nobody else in the house liked Cherry pie. Nobody. But it is all gone and I did not eat the last piece. In fact, there was a half a pie left when I had my second piece. Hmmm! Very curious. LOL We had a good day. The Carne asada was amazing. Everyone was happy. We even took naps. I did not go Black Friday shopping. I hate that shit. I did go out and do some stocking stuffer shopping. Just a few things. I have three stockings to fill. Chelsea (21), Natalie (17), and her best bud Raymond (17). He is not our kid but he is like our kid so I treat him as such. Got it? Ok.
  I got some exercise in last night!! The four us went out in the car to drop Natalie off at a friends house to sleep over and then the rest of us were going to go out to eat. Just as we were getting to her destination, the front left side of the car starting making this horrific noise. We stopped and checked. No flat. So I slowly drove home and we were lucky that Fred`s mechanic friend was at the shop (8pm). The freaking front tire was loose!! We had gotten new tires 2 weeks ago. It was super loose. Like if I had been on the highway or had not said a little prayer..our asses would have been grass.
I did say I got some exercise. Well, the car was driven into the shop and I decided that Chelsea and I could just walk home. It is only a couple streets over. Not long at all and it was cold but I survived it. But I had to hoof it up the hill..so my ass did get some exercise.
  I binged. I get that way sometimes. It is called compulsive overeating. I just eat and eat and eat. And then I gain weight and feel like shit. I have to figure out why I eat. I have substituted gum with cigarettes. Maybe I should have gum around the house in different rooms. Every time I want to eat something, pop some gum in my mouth and chew.  Because if I do not figure this out, the exercise alone aint gonna do diddly squat.
  Natalie had gotten a bad cold this past few days so we are going to resume on Monday. I think that walk that I did, as short as it was, kicked me back into wanting to do this. I want to do this! I just need some motivation. And I need to see some results. If I do not see ANY, I get really discouraged and change my mind.
So gum for every area of the house, walking, walking, walking, and tell Fred to stop bringing potato chips into the house!
hehehehe

I am NOT going to the grocery store.

*282*

I binged a bit yesterday. Fred brought home chocolate cause we were all upset. We do not do drugs, drink, or smoke anymore. What is left? Chocolate. See, I said I was going to be honest about it. No biggie..I will move on.

 Today is the day before Un-Thanksgiving. Just another Thursday in our household. Yup. Paychecks come early this week so I will be off to the bank to do my do in an hour or two. I know I could do all my banking online, and I have a credit union so using the debit card will not cost me anything to purchase or get cash but I like the people. One of them has been hurt very badly in a car accident. Fred just found this out yesterday. I am going to go get her information so that I can send her a card or some flowers. I hope she will get well really quickly. I have a relationship with the tellers in my credit union...and I like that.
 Yesterday I peeled, chopped, washed, and dried a massive amount of collard greens. They filled my water bath canner. Those pots are huge! But greens are like spinach...they shrink down. I have Fred, me, A (her family), and D (and her family) to feed these to. I enjoy it. Next time, if they ask, I am gonna charge. It is not the supplies that cost so much, it is the labor. Now I know why you only got to eat this lovely and fattening vegetable a couple times a year.
   I am also planning on doing some baking today. I have phyllo dough, pie crusts, apples, and canned cherry pie filling. I am going to make a cherry pie (yummy!) and apple turnovers. I do not really like apple turnovers but I thought the family would. They do not want pumpkin pie, or pumpkin cheesecake at all. Nada! So I am just doing this on the fly a bit. I like doing that. You can do anything in baking as long as you follow certain rules. It is science. Certain components have to be specific like flour to baking soda to baking powder to salt ratios. Everything else you can kind of tinker with. I will have fun tinkering with the phylo dough today.
 I am thinking that since it is 8am, I have had my meds and coffee..I am going to get dressed, dress the dogs (LOL they need sweaters in the cold), and take them for a walk around the block. That will give me some exercise and also give them a longer route to enjoy. Natalie is sick so we are not going to the gym. Sore throat and headache. It is going around. Better stay the hell away from me! ROFL
If you are going to the grocery store today, God Bless and Safe travels!

I got a mess a greens to clean!

*282*

This post is going to be short today because I have a bunch of work to do. I am doing better since yesterday and the whole thing with Monster. I do not want to talk about him because I start to cry every time I do and I do not have time for that. I am sitting here waiting for the Advil to kick in (my foot). I know it is Un-Thanksgiving in my house on Thursday but I had made a promise a couple months back that I intend to keep. I have found a great recipe for collard greens and I am actually good at it. Fred loves them. I had served them to my friend A once and she loved them. Then another friend J..and now my friend D. wanted some because I gave them to J. ROFL She got all perturbed that I did not think of her. So I am making some and bringing her a batch to her job on Thanksgiving morning (she has to work). Then A found out via Facebook and she told me that she wanted some too. LOL So this morning I went to the grocery store and picked up three more bushels. All the greens are selling for only 69c a lb right now. So I even bought some Kale. Chelsea makes a really nice crunchy kale that she sprinkles on top of some meals. Yummy! I thought I would share the recipe for the collard greens that I am using. It is no big secret anyway. I found it on Allrecipes.com

Big B`s Collard Greens

Ingredients

• 1 quart chicken stock (I use 2 quarts)
• 3 small SMOKED ham hocks (i use 6 because they do not yield alot of meat)
• 1 large onion, chopped (2 onions)
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 tablespoon crushed red pepper flakes
• 3 tablespoons cider vinegar
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• water
• 1 bunch collard greens - rinsed, trimmed and chopped (Lord..I have 6 bunches)
• salt to taste
• hot pepper sauce to taste (no hot sauce, that is for the eater to add themselves)

Directions

1. Pour chicken stock into a large pot, and add ham hocks onion, garlic, red pepper flakes, vinegar, black pepper, and enough water to cover ham hocks. Bring to a boil; reduce heat, and simmer for 1 to 2 hours to create the broth.
2. Remove ham hocks from broth. Pull meat from hocks. Add meat and collard greens to the broth. Simmer for 1 to 5 hours, depending on the texture you prefer. Salt to taste, and serve with hot sauce.

Now this recipe does not tell you how to prepare the collard greens. You have to pull the leaves for the center spine on each leaf (discard spines), then you want to grab like 6 leaves, roll like a cigar, and chop small..it is called chiffonade.
*Chiffonade is a cooking technique in which herbs or leafy green vegetables (such as spinach and basil) are cut into long, thin strips. This is generally accomplished by stacking leaves, rolling them tightly, then cutting across the rolled leaves with a sharp knife, producing fine ribbons.*
   Then you want to fill a sink with cool water. You are going to put some of your greens in there and give them a bath. You want to wash all the sand out. Empty sink, and then fill it up again. With 6 bunches of greens, I can do this two times in the sink. I would usually then time this event at the same time that that hocks and broth are ready. Then I would just pop into a large pot, put a lid on, and cook on low for at LEAST 3 hours.  You can go in there a stir a little bit every once in awhile but as long as the heat is low, it will be fine.  I am going to be cutting and cleaning ahead of time, so after I wash them, I am going to put them into the salad spinner, bag them, and put them in the crisper until tomorrow afternoon. If you do not like ham hocks or cannot get them, you can use smoked turkey leg. It is the smoked part of the meat that is really what you are after. I guess you could use liquid smoke but I never think of that. I like having the little bits of meat in the greens. Mmm! I think I may make some deviled eggs also.
After you are done, you will have a nice steamy pot of collard greens to share or keep all to your self.

I am sharing. A promise is a promise.

My MonsterFace has passed away.

MonsterFace

 

This is a picture of MonsterFace..Monster for short.
He was a half Siamese and he was my Freecycle cat. Some lady in Willimantic put him up on Freecycle . She said that three other families brought him back because he was too kittenish. He was about 12 weeks old when we got him. She was worried we would bring him back. I told her there was no way. My ass drove all the way out to east bum fuck to get him, he is a keeper! And he was. It was Chelsea`s turn to name the cat and she asked one of her friend`s online what we should call him. They said MonsterFace. I resisted for a bit but it was her turn. We did change the rules after Monster..no more weird assed names. But the name fit him perfectly...because he was a hellion. He decided that this dollhouse in the picture (Duracraft Marquam Hill Mansion) was HIS and he would swipe at me every time I went to work on it.
 He was almost four years old. Monster had an obsession with plastic. He had Pica really bad. I was constantly chasing him around the house to get some stray piece of plastic out of his mouth. That is what did him in unfortunately and I know I should not feel this way but I feel so guilty. I should have paid attention more. He passed away peacefully and he is buried up in our top yard with the other animals that we have loved in our lives. It is just hard because he did not die an old man like my others have. He was still a kid. This one is going to be a bit hard for me to get over.
I guess I will see him over the Rainbow Bridge someday...
Bye Monster

Monday Monday.

*282*

Natalie texted me yesterday and asked me if we were going to start up again at the gym. I told her YES! Most definitely. I would love to get her to walk with me outside also. I do not know if I will get that to happen. She gets bored easily. I told her that you can get a good sweat going on when you walk a mile or two in my shoes. I want to go to the gym today but we will see. I still have those pesky issues with my left foot. I have some things to do today that I want to get done. I have to cover the windows in the livingroom and I want to string lights on the front porch. That is alot of time on my feet. I think I will do the windows this morning after I am done here talking to all of you. I was also thinking of putting up the Christmas tree but I do not know if I will get that far along.
  I said we were going to go so she will want to go later on. I want to do treadmill for 20 minutes and then we are going to tackle the stairclimber for a bit..at least five minutes. Then we will do some of the circuit. I do not want to over do it because we have not gone in a bit. This is going to be a short week and that means we may miss going on Friday...We should go on Friday cause we are going to have to work off the carne asada! LOL
  My PLAN is that start with the gym this week and next week and the following week start adding a day of walking in. I want to work up to day of gym, day of walking, day of gym, day of walking..weekends off! I will just Advil myself up and I should be good to go.
Okay! That is the freaking plan, man!  I will start taking pics of areas that we go to so you can see our progress. I am going to get off this idiot box for now so I can start working on those windows I spoke of earlier.
Have a good Monday!

My Mac is dying..waaaaa! waaaaa!

*282*

  This is a picture of an Apple IIe circa 1977 maybe..All I know is my Dad brought one of these babies home when I was in elementary school. How cool was that? I was probably one of the only kids in my class that had a home computer. I knew how to program in DOS. I would not know a DOS file if I tripped over it now.  Fred and I bought our first PC and set up internet when we bought our house in 1998. We have had 3 PCs and then the girls talked me into getting this Mac right here. I have loved it. I made a big mistake though. The economy shit the bed around the same time that I was supposed to renew my warranty contract with Apple. I just did not have the $200 and change to pay for it. And here I sit..with a computer that has been acting up for a year. First I had to have the hard drive replaced. But now we have other issues I do not want to get into. This morning I woke up to the bottom part of the screen is significantly darker then the top of the screen. I looked it up..That is not a good thing..at all. So let us hope that Heidi comes up with the funds to purchase a new Mac (no PCs in this house..LOL) before this one dies.
  My dream would be to have this computer fixed or just get a new one all together AND have a Macbook for myself. No touchies for the kiddies. It would be in lockdown. Only Fred or I could use it. That would be pure bliss for me.  I hate not having money. This is going to turn into a short economy rant now..hehehe I can feel it. We are doing okay...I guess. We are basically living paycheck to paycheck but I have been able to start putting money away. But then shit like this happens and there goes the money! If I could just not have cable tv or buy food..OMG the money I could save. LOL
I had quit smoking so I figured I would have that cushion of money to save. I should be saving almost $3000 a year from not smoking. That is an extra $250 a month. Oh hell no. Because then that money was to pay for the rising cost of electricity, oil for the tank, and cable. You cannot win for losing.  In my perfect house/world right now I will tell you what I would do. I would buy two new Mac desktops and a laptop. I would either get rid of cable tv all together or just have the basic package (hubs has to have football and basketball). We could use the computers for the internet and for watching Hulu and Netflix. One car and the kids would use bicycles. Hell, my ass could use one too. Fred cannot. He has an issue with one of his knees. No  junk food, no soda, no juice, no commercial crap that costs extra. Generic all the way baby. I could go on and on. I have a clothes line but we do not use it!
 I already do so many things that help us but I could do so more. Okay, I know I am whining and some people would say that I need to do something about it to make it better. I just have not figured out what that something is...
When I do, I will let you know.

Turkey Day..Gobble Gobble Gobble

*282*

 Today, November 20, 2010 is my Turkey day. I have a nice big whole turkey breast to roast with all the usual trimmings. My girls do not want to celebrate Thanksgiving anymore. The reason is because of what the holiday really represents. Genocide, pestilence, disease, and death. I thought of it as just a day to eat my oh so loved Turkey and watch some floats on tv. I guess I was ignorant and wrong. But I still want my damn turkey dinner!
 Last year at this time I was recovering  from the back surgery. I was told that I would not be able to cook and Hubs had to work Thanksgiving last year. Oldest was going to be in Tennessee so it was just going to be me and Youngest for the day. So I decided to cook Thanksgiving dinner a week before my surgery. For actual Thanksgiving, Hubs went out and bought Chinese food for us. It was not our usual place (because they were closed) and it was really bad. Yuck Yuck Yuck!
 For this Thanksgiving, I am making Mexican food. So far on the menu is crock pot refried beans, carne asada tacos, guacamole with chips, and chicken quesadillas. I am having a hard time pretending that it is not a holiday. You know what I mean. I am supposed to just cook like any other day. It is hard on me. It is going to take a few years of practice. Today I am making the turkey breast, sausage stuffing, roasted brussel sprouts, string bean casserole (yuck), mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn bread. I have a can of cranberry sauce in the cabinet also. I love turkey and I know I could cook it anytime but there is something about having the first meal in November. The whole process. I love it.
I will enjoy it. But I will not overindulge. I am going to be making a pumpkin pie also. Yum! That is not for any specific day. I just want to have it and I want to use our sugar pumpkins before they go bad.
Yup, I am going to make home made pumpkin pie (not from the can!) My Mom would have been so proud. LOL
Oh, I almost forgot. I got my first delivery today of fresh farm eggs. They will be delivered every Saturday (except near holidays). I love it. Now we need a milk man and bring back the soda man too!

Please excuse my appearance.

*282*

  I have been sick the past few days. There is a stomach virus going around my area. I spent the majority of the afternoon and evening on the couch watching Netflix. I did not get any physical activity in at all. That always seems to be the way huh? You have plans and then fate shits all over it.
  So we will start this back up on Monday. I should be feeling better by then. I did lose a pound so I did something right..LOL

You want to eat what??

*283*
  My Oldest daughter is a Vegan. This has been so for almost five years. One day she told me she wanted to be a vegetarian. I was okay with that. A year later she declared she was going to be a Vegan. I freaked a bit. What the hell was she going to eat? Was she going to get sick? I thought what everyone thinks. Vegans do not eat (or use) any animal based products or by products. That means no meat, fish, poultry, eggs, cheese, dairy of any kind, casein, or honey. I am just talking about the food part there is so much more to it.  She has actually made herself healthier. She has lost a bit of weight and she has completely cleared up her acne. Her acne was the kind that looked like it hurt. Not just a pimple or two like I dealt with as a kid. She had the kind like my siblings had. The stuff that covered their face and made you feel sorry for them because it just looked so painful. All gone without a dermatologists help. The girl that would only eat corn as a child now eats all the veggies.
  The economy sucks (duh!) and we have to make our food dollars stretch even farther then before. During the Spring and Summer and part of the Fall, I have 2 large organic beds of veggies that I grow in rotation at the community garden. I grow tomatoes and herbs here at the house. Chelsea works for a food initiative that teaches school kids about farming. So we have access to some of that produce also. I can pickled cucumbers and jalapenos. I also can strawberry jam. I want to expand my repertoire  next season. I try to buy local as much as I can afford to. I get local eggs and I buy a very small amount of local beef and pork. We joined a food co-op in our town. We buy our spices in bulk and it is  much more affordable then buying the spice bottles in the grocery store. Chelsea is all about having everything being Organic. You slap the word Organic on something and the price goes up immensely. I understand that it is better for you  but right now I will keep my sights on buying locally and seasonally. If I can do that, I am ahead of the game.
  I love to bake. My Mother let me use the stove at the age of 8 years old and I have been baking ever since.  I quickly  learned how to bake Vegan, it tasted just as good as baking with eggs,  and that is all I do now. It is much healthier for our hearts and bodies. I have served it to people and they were surprised that it was Vegan after they had consumed it. I am changing my way of life but I am not changing who I am. I love the art of baking things (and eating them). I just wanted you all to know that I had already started making it healthier.
  Everyone that knows me says that I can make anyone hungry in a matter of minutes because I love to talk about food. So there will be lots of food talk on this blog. There will be healthy food talk and down and dirty chocolatey food talk. Wait till I talk about Thanksgiving! LOL You may want to send the children to the other room. hehehe
Okay..Enough of this. I have to go run to the grocery store and pick up that fish stock for dinner.

Happy Anniversary to me...

*283*

  Happy Anniversary to me! Happy Anniversary! Happy Anniversary! Happy Anniversary to me! I did it. I made it one year clean of nicotine. A year ago, I did not think I could do a month much less a whole year. WooHoo to me!
 Today is the day to start a new chapter in my life and I already started off on the wrong foot. Yesterday I felt Craptastic (so did both my kids). The weather here in Old CT has been warm then cold then warm then cold. It cannot make up it`s mind and I think it is partly the reason I feel like crap right now. When you have Fibromyalgia you go through seasonal flare up. One in the early Spring when cold goes to warm and one in the Fall when warm goes to cold. You usually suffer from 1 week to 1 month of the crap. You just feel like shit. You do not want to do anything..at all. Your muscles ache, headaches, stomach, all those weird symptoms we have keep popping up. It is awful. But we know it will pass. Some years are better then others. I am having a bad season. It is because it has not transitioned into Fall yet. It is not cold. I know it sounds weird but I bet all the people with FM right now are shaking their heads in agreement with me.
So I feel like shit. I had said I was going to do something in some form of exercise today and I have..just not what I planned. I walked the dogs around the block and back. Much longer walk then usual. They enjoyed it and I endured it. It was probably a 1/4-1/2 mile at best. I also ran errands for the family. Bank, paid cable bill, and pharmacy..later I have to take Hubs to work (Jeep has to have a minor repair), take kid to roller derby practice if she is up to it, and stay up til 11pm to pick up Hubs from work. I have a fancy life huh? LOL
Last night I made a keeper dinner. I had never made it before but it was so good that it is a keeper. It is called Black Beans and Rice with Kielbasa. But I used dark kidney beans instead and I added a handful of medium cooked shrimp to make it Jambalaya-esque.  I made some Jasmine rice with it. It was very good. I ate about a 1/2 cup of rice and more then that amount in the stew. I did not go back for seconds and I did not use bread to sop. Later on I had some popcorn for a snack. I brought Fred his dinner (i do that because the food in the cafeteria where he works kinda sucks and we get to see each other). He texted me later on to tell me that the dinner was a keeper also.  I want to branch out into some different types of rice. I will need my Oldest`s help on how to cook them. Some are more difficult then what I am used to cooking. The student has surpassed the master in some respects to cooking between the two of us.
Because I feel craptastic, I have no idea what I am going to make for dinner. I am NOT going to buy take out. I remember that there is some Tilapia in the deep freezer but not enough for a meal for multiple people. I could make a fish stew with it. Potatoes, onions, fish, garlic, tomatoes. I need to pick up some fish stock at the store though. That would be easy to make and be good for my body. Yeah. That is a plan.
Tomorrow is another day. Onward and Upward!

Who`s that sessy mama???

Senior Prom 1987

   

This is Fred and I at my Senior Prom. He was 21 and I was 18. Totally 80s! When I said before that I have always been fat, that was a lie. I was not fat in high school. I was really big in Catholic school my final year ( I went there for junior high). I went shopping for school clothes for high school the summer before my Freshman year and I was shocked that I was going to have to wear a size 16 in jeans. There was no way I was going to wear those! (I would kill to wear those now) I was supposed to take the bus to school everyday but I nixed that plan . Instead I walked the two miles to school and the two miles home. Everyday.  If it was really really crappy out, I would take the bus home but I walked that fat off my ass by January of that year. And I kept it off. My friends and I would walk all over the city. We did not have a car so we hoofed it to and fro. I am not going to get into my teenage exploits because there were many. I just wanted to show you that I was not always a lazy lump. I did walk, I did exercise, I could do majorly hard crunches. I had thighs like Popeye. I also had a job at a bank for a short time. My job was to pick up heavy canvas bags of coins, dump them into a hopper, and roll the coins for the bank. I could pick Fred up to his surprise. I know I can do this. I know I can work as hard as I can without hurting myself. I graduated, went to hairdressing school, job, apartment with Fred, and FAT!

    The plan is to walk walk walk outside. My Neurosurgeon told me that walking on the treadmill and actually walking on the pavement or in the mall is totally different on your muscles. He is correct. You are in pain (good pain) when you walk non treadmill. You have hills and slopes. You have weather changes to adjust your body too. Fred and I would walk in July during the heatwave. But we would walk at 8am. It was hot but not blazing. We would walk in January but we made sure we wore layers so as to not freeze our asses off. Then there are my trips to the gym with my Youngest daughter. She is 17 years old and she loves the gym. LOVES IT! We go to a gym that is cheap as hell to be a member. Hubs membership is $10 a month and mine is $20 a month. I bought the better membership so that I could take the kid(s) with me. I am allowed to bring one guest every time I go. That means I HAVE to go. She wants to go, she is dressed, LETS GO! Even as I am pouting, making a boo-boo face, and practically pulling out all my trusty guilt trip tactics..they do not work. She cannot go unless I go. We do the treadmill for 20 minutes. We have been able to do the stair climber for 5 minutes so far. Do not laugh! Our legs aren't strong enough to spend hours on it like other people do. Then we do the circuit. I do not know the names of the machines (except the leg press) but we work our abs, back muscles, gluts, legs, and arms. It is good. We spend some time together and we work our bodies. Because of the feet, the Fibro, and the CFS..I can only do the gym every other day. I tried to do it every day and I paid a heavy price for it. I was in the bed on pain relief for a couple days. She understands this. I am glad. Please excuse the layout of this post. I hit something and it only let me type this way. I guess I could have figured out how to fix it but I was on a typing tangent so I left it alone. Eh!

Caffeine, Nicotine, and Dexedrine

*283*  
  I should have those three words tattooed on my body someplace. Because that is what I existed on for a very long time. My memory sucks so do not quote me on anything but I think probably 9 years. When I found out I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), I needed something for the exhaustion. I was always tired, on the couch, doing nothing, and I hated it. So my shrink gave me a low dosage of Dexedrine. Dexedrine is an amphetamine. Zoooom Zoooom Zoooom! I would take one in the morning, have a cup of coffee and a ciggy and I would be ready to go go go. That was probably part of the reason that I was able to maintain my weight for so many years. No appetite and bursts of energy. I would take it for a few months and then go on a Dex vacation for a couple months. The brain gets so used to the drug that it stops working. I was not going to take more so I took a vacation from it, restarted it, and then I would be zooming again. It was great. I got so many things done. There were some not so good things about it. I had to force myself to eat and I had to force myself to drink. Otherwise I would get low blood sugars and get dehydrated. Otherwise it was great! *side eye at myself*
  Those days are gone. That is probably another factor in my added fatness. I had to stop taking the Dexedrine.The little bastards revolted against me. I started feeling like I was having blood pressure issues but the Dr said my blood pressure was fine. I found out from the shrink that Dexedrine can sometimes do that to a person..make them feel like shit. So right now, I am without a pill for my exhaustion. I tried one pill and it was great but it was too expensive. She wanted to put me on Adderall but insurance would not cover it. So I am existing on coffee for now.  Blessed coffee with soy creamer and one teaspoon of raw sugar. Yummy! If that is taken away from me I think you might as well put me in a padded cell. It is my last drug of choice.
 I have noticed that when I walk...I actually feel good afterward. I feel like I could do things..after a shower cause I am sweating like a pig. I think it is what is called an endorphin rush. Every time we would start a walk, I would not want to do it at first. But Fred would push me because I had to be pushed. I started to like the walks even the painful ones. Because through the haze and the sweat, there was that rush of energy afterward. It would last for a couple hours. It was good. Maybe this can replace my wicked ways of the past..except coffee!

One more day and counting...

Eugene O`Neill (1888-1953)

*283*
  I wanted to start off with an explanation of the title of my blog and that picture. That is not my house.
I wish! That is Monte Cristo, the childhood home of the American Playwright Eugene O`Neill. His play Long Days Journey into Night was based on things that happened in that house. You can read his biography online. The statue above is a model of him as a child. I have looked at that house while driving by probably a million times in my lifetime. My first ratty apartment was above the bar he used to get soused in, The Dutch. It seems weird but it is like I have a connection to him. Not because I am writing and I think I have a connection that way. My ideas are not that lofty..LOL No, I have always just been attracted to that house. Even as a child. So for some reason, this was what I named the blog. Everybody up to speed? Okay!
   Tomorrow is the start of my life changing. It is good that it is tomorrow because I got my period today. Heidi does NOT do any form of exercise on the first day of her period, PERIOD. hehehe This girl is counting down the days until menopause. I have had heavy periods all of my life, since the age of 11. I am so done! My Oldest wants me to try a Diva Cup but I am not going to go into that today. Maybe if I ever get one, I will discuss it. How about that? I mentioned chocolate yesterday, I bought some at the store when I went to get some supplies for dinner (Twix), and today is it. I do not get PMS, I get chocolatesss. If I get a craving for chocolate, you can start laying bets down that I will be searching for the Maxis  within 24 hours. Okay..Enough of this bloody mary crap.
  I am planning on taking a walk tomorrow morning. I like to walk in the mornings because I am not in  much pain yet and I have energy. I am going to walk the easy peasy lemon squeezy mile that we used to walk when I first started out after surgery. I am not ready for the hills. I will take a picture of those hills for you in the future so you will know what I am bitching about.  I would like Fred to walk with me but we will see how that goes. Sometimes he is too tired to do it (he works 2nd shift). The walk is good for a few reasons. It is in my neighborhood, it is mostly flat with a few easy slopes, it goes into areas with much traffic, and there is a killer part at the end so it makes me feel like I accomplished something. I wanted to share two more links with you today. They are places that I found when I started walking. The first one is LiveStrong. This site will give you lots of tips on exercise, food intake, and all around good health. The other site is Walkjogrun and it helped me so much. You can go on the upper right hand side of the screen to create your own route in your own city or town. I was able to know how far I was walking and I was able to map out walks by how far I wanted to go. It is a really good tool.
 Okay..Heidi just checked weather.com and it is going to rain all day today and in the morning tomorrow. I should have looked at that shit before I opened my mouth, huh? Rain ain`t a thing. I am not made of sugar so I will be fine.

Fatty Fatty Two By Four...

*283lb*
I have posted about my surgery, smoking, and how sad assed I could be if I really wanted to..but I am not *grin*. Now it is time to talk turkey. Mmm! Tasty Tasty Turkey. I love food. My husband loves food. We are what you would call foodies. We watch food porn on tv when we are hungry and we like to go to restaurants with cloth napkins.  I will never stop loving food, I just need to learn how to love less of it.  We want to plan future vacations on places to dine. Food will always be there so I had to tackle this a different way. Enter stage left is Dr. GP.
My GP is a really nice man and a pretty damn good Dr. First of all, he is fat or he was fat. He joined Weight Watchers and lost a ton..literally. He told me that one Oreo cookie is 50 calories. Now imagine in your mind how many Oreos can you snatch from the pack at one time. I always like round numbers so I always grabbed six. Six times fifty equals three hundred! Three hundred calories and that does not include the milk!
The DR. told me that I need to eat less and exercise. If I do one and not the other, it will never work. I will be like a hamster on a wheel..going no place. He feels (and I agree) that I am not a good candidate for weight loss surgery because of my love of food. It would never work and I would be miserable. So I have to do this the old fashioned way. It took a long time to put the weight on, it will take a long time to take the weight off.
  Hubs and I had started walking in January of last year when I was healed enough to handle long distances. We started off with a nice easy one mile that had easy slopes. Then we graduated to a son-of-a-bitch hill for a mile and then extended that to two miles. I was doing great until the heel bullshit happened. Damn feet! This is why I am so discouraged and why I said enough is enough. I have always been light on my feet and I never walked like I was having a problem. I was as graceful as ReRun. Then the feet thing started and I hate it. I hate hobbling and the way that I look. Fat lady hobbling..like you have never seen that before. I have had ENOUGH!
My plan is to try to eat much better. The ingredients are in the house. I should not have a problem. Most of you know about my Oldest but for those that do not..she is a Vegan. She has been one for almost five years. I know how to cook Vegan because I watch and I used to help her. But I am not going to go down that road. I am a carnivore through and through. So here is my plan: Veggies, Fruit, Meats, Legumes, whole grains. I am going to try to avoid the white carbs..white bread, rice, and pasta. Oh..I have to try and stay away from my beloved Lays. And we are not going to rely on take out anymore unless Hubs and I are sick.  I can still have chocolate once a month (I would just die if I could not have it). Youngest and I are going to go to the gym to do our thing. And hopefully I can get more long distances walks in like before. If I just soldier through the pain, lose more weight, it will be easier on the feet. I went to the foot dr already. He gave me some exercises and told me what to do. It has so far worked for my right foot but not my left. I am afraid of having a cortisone shot in my heel so I am going to suffer for a bit longer.
I will be posting pictures of meals that I am making. I will talk about food . Every Friday I am going to weigh in..the good, the bad, and the ugly. Whatever is says goes! I will post about what I did for exercise that day. If I actually did any and if I did not then why. And maybe...just maybe I will post pictures of myself. I am being real and honest with myself (and you all) but I do not think I am ready to be that revealing. I have a couple pictures but I am going wait till I get the courage or if I am drunk..and those that know me know that I do not drink anymore. hehehe
So this is what it is going to be. I might throw some stories in the mix too. We will see how the wind blows...

Alive with Pleasure...or something like that.

  Ahhh! Newport 100s. My brand of choice. Not the short ones. They had to be 100s and had to be in a hard pack! They were so yummy until they weren't anymore. I pretended to smoke my first ciggie when I was four years old. I snitched one from my Oldest brother`s pack when we lived on Pequot Avenue. He was sitting at the staircase and I was passing him. He stopped me dead in my tracks and told me to put it back.  I inhaled when I was 14 yrs old. My friend and I were sitting near the train tracks(cause that is a normal place for kids to hang) coughing to the burn of our first inhale  and I never looked back.
  I did have a brief respite from the coffin nails back when I was 25 years old. My dentist told me I needed to quit because my gums were in bad shape. Meaning he could not guarantee I would not get cancer in the near future. So I quit and was smoke free for four years. Then my stupid ass picked them right back up again. I worked for the phone company and we were on strike. Everyone in the picket line was smoking. Oh Sweet Newport 100s. I missed you so. If my calculations are correct, I smoked for 21 years. Same age as my Oldest. Interesting. That is a lot of fucking money I wasted. That is what made me quit..the money. Not my health. Not my family. Not the threat of dying an agonizing death. Nope Nope Nope. It was the $8.00 a pack I was paying every single day.  Plus that morning hack was just oh so attractive. NOT! I tried to quit but it never worked. Over and Over and Over. I even tried Chantix. That shit was like Tic Tacs to my addiction.   I had to do it in a way that I could not get access to them.
   I quit on the day that I had my back surgery. November 17, 2009. I grabbed a ciggy out of the pack, put it aside, and ripped up all the others that were left in the pack into the trash can outside the house. I lit it with my trusty Bic and it went into the trash also. I smoked it on the way to the hospital.
I was feeling alright when I was in the hospital but when I got out. OMG! I wanted one the moment we walked into the house.  Hubs was strong. I have to hand it to him. I had told him that no matter what I said or did, he was not to give in. I screamed only at him...poor thing. I told him to come home with a pack of cigs, he comes home with a box of patches and some bubble gum. I did not want that shit. I threw that box of patches at him every chance I got. MotherFucker! I want Cigarettes!!
He did not give in. It was night, it was cold, I was in PJs and slippers. I walked down our dead end street because I was going to be a Bad Assed Bitch and walk to 7-11..third day after back surgery. Hubs got me at end of street. Drove around the neighborhood, got almost to the store, and turned around. I cried. I cried like someone had died. And someone had. My old self. I was no longer going to be a smoker and I mourned it.
I just gave in. I could not get them myself so I might as well put the damn patches on, chew my gum, and live with it.  I swore (obviously..hehe), I ranted, I bitched, and twitched. But I did it. In two days it will be my one year anniversary. One day at a time.
Every once in a while, I will see someone out and about smoking..and I will want one really badly. Then other times I see someone smoking and it totally turns me off. I keep hold of the ones that made me not want to smoke..
Because I am never going to do it again..

Bad Assed Bitch

Fred and I bagged leaves. Those there are just the tip of the iceberg. We will have about 20 more to fill. I am showing you this because last year (and the year before that) I could not bag one leaf. My back. She was failing on me. To make a really long boring zzzzzz story short, I had/have two herniated discs..L4 and L5. L5 needed to be fixed by drilling a hole through the bone to get around to the back to fix the herniation. I found out that Morphine is NOT my friend. Oh..I also decided that the day of my surgery was going to be the last day I smoked a cigarette. (more on that later) One of my best friends called me a Bad Ass Bitch for having the guts to go through an agonizing healing time from back surgery (without strong pain meds) AND to stop smoking. The Morphine fucked me up to be perfectly honest.  The Dr had me on a constant drip of that crap. When I had a moment of clarity , I begged him to take me off the constant and just let me push the button. I never pushed the button.  Bad Ass Bitch! I do not like feeling like I am not in control of my faculties . Having to have someone walk me to a potty chair..Nah! Give this Bitch a walker so she can do it on her own..and they did. I had the surgery on November 17th and I went home the evening of November 18th. Bad Assed Bitch! The Dr wanted me to take Dilaudid before I left the hospital and that was going to be my pain relief. The Nurses told me after he left that it was WORSE then the dosage of Morphine that I had been taking. So we conspired..hehehe I had two bottles of Vicodin left from when I had the series of cortisone shots in my spine, so that could be my pain relief. They convinced the Dr that I needed to be lucid to be able to walk up all of those stairs to my bedroom. He allowed it. I never took one of those pills.
  I want to say something. If you are ever faced with having spinal surgery..do exactly what the Dr says to do for your aftercare. If you work, stay home for at least a month after the surgery, two months would be better if you can do it. No bending, No reaching, No lifting for two months. Only go up and down the stairs once a day. Get some walking in outside as soon as you can to strengthen those spinal muscles that have been cut. Take pain relief when you need it. I wore socks, slippers, and PJ bottoms to my Dr office visits because they were easiest. I went grocery shopping with the family but they did all the work..I used it as a form of exercise. Your stitches are going to ITCH! Do not scratch it. Hubs would scratch around it. When I woke up from the surgery, my right foot was numb. I was told that it will get better with time. It has but there are sometimes when it will go numb still to this day.

 So I can bend over and pick up leaves. I can reach up for the casserole dishes. I can lift the groceries out of the car. Dammit! I had the life of Riley while I was in pain. Now I am back at the drudgery of life.
Oh well...I am still a Bad Assed Bitch though.

Walking does a body good

My good friend, A. asked me if I wanted to take a walk on the boardwalk at the beach this afternoon. Of course I wanted to go. It has been a gorgeous weekend here in Old CT and I needed to kick start my new life plan. There is nothing better then hearing the clop clop clop of your feet on the wooden board walk. A. and I talked and walked for a mile..I think. She was paying attention..I was not. I can be a major nosey assed looky loo when it comes to being out in public. Once we were done, we parted ways, and I was on my way home.
  I have to talk about some things that a lot of you do not know about me. I have been dealing with many health issues over the past few years besides the diabetes. Many of my friends know what I have gone through but I have mostly kept it to myself. I do not want pity. I just wanted to let you know that there are going to be days where you could shove a firecracker up my ass..I aint doing nothing! That is not me being lazy.
  Ten years ago I found out I had diabetes by accident. I was in the ER because I was sick as a dog. They did blood work and came in and told me matter of factly. You just tell someone they have a morbidity disease like you are telling them the time of day. Golly Gee!, thanks Doc. At the same time, my Mother was going through the end stages of Parkinson`s disease and complications from Diabetes. I was a mess. And I was sick and very tired. I started having weird pains in my legs or in my hands. I was cold or I was hot. Many Drs told me there was nothing wrong with me. "You just need to change jobs" said one. I was directed to a specialist in NYC and I finally got an answer. I had Fibromyalgia  and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I deal with the pain fine. I am in pain every single day of my life but it is a part of me now. If I complain about pain, it is because it is a bit harsher then usual. The fatigue and brain fog is what I hate but it is also a part of me.  I got over it and I moved on. I learned to pace myself and rest when I needed to. I never promised because I did not know what tomorrow would bring. Then three years ago I was diagnosed with Meneire`s disease. I would not wish that disease on my worst enemy. I have found a couple good friends online that are dealing with it also. We can just give each other support. I have had a couple surgeries not including the herniated disc. The newest trick out of the funbag is now I have plantar fasciitis in both feet! Fuckers! The right foot is doing really well. I have been stretching the hell out of it. The left foot has a way to go. So I am walking long distances with majorly painful heels.  All this shit is wrong with me but I still smile. I still crack jokes. I swear like a sailor. I will give you my last dollar. I am a loyal friend. I can bake my ass off.
But I am also different then most 41 year olds.  So I am going to have down time. My youngest and I had already talked about this in terms of going to the gym. Right now I can only do it every other day. I cannot do everyday. I need the next day to recoup. I would be crippled if I did it everyday. I tell ya, if I was ever on the Biggest Loser..I would slap the shit out of Jillian if she caught me some attitude cause my ass was tired. Oh yes I would. That would be the only muscle in my body that would still be working. hehehe
There are going to be days when I am just not going to do it. I will be honest if I am just being lazy. And I will be honest if I am in pain .

That walk was real good. But I am going to pay for it tonight. I can already tell. I am going to be hobbling to the bathroom. Good thing I have stuff to grab onto.
Oh Mama!

And the story begins

That is what my sister used to call me when I was a chubby adolescent. Chubbette! She thought she was so funny and clever. Not realizing she probably scarred my ass for life. But I digress. This is not going to be a blog about my past crap. This is going to be a daily account of my journey into changing my life. I have always been fat but I had maintained a good weight and size for my height of 5`3". I always stayed around the 210 lb mark. Now that I look back, I looked good. I did gain weight with both of my daughter`s births but I always went back to that good ole reliable 210. Oh, how I miss you 210. Where the hell did you go??  Ten years ago I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I was a non compliant diabetic. I did take my medication every day but I did not follow any other rules. The ones like lose the excess weight and do not eat that crap anymore! Now I am on pills and insulin. I started taking the insulin a month before the surgery and the quitting smoking. The weight started to creep up. Now, let me state for the record that I have not been 210 in about..umm...5 years. I have been about 230-240lb. Holy Shit! Heidi is going to be honest. I might even post some pictures. I have to be honest otherwise this whole thing would be for nothing. Right?
Okay, so the weight started to creep up. I figured it was the not smoking (i will talk about how I did that in another post) and the hell of the surgery (another post). Creep. I started to walk with Hubs. Creep. I complained to my Dr. He said I needed to eat less AND exercise. Okay. So my Youngest and I started going to the gym. Creep.
It creeped up to my current weight. Drum roll please................283 lbs! On a 5"3" frame! I am not happy. At all.  I finally figured out (after I thought I was dying or had acquired another ailment..more on that later) that the insulin and my food intake were the culprit. When you do not use insulin, your pancreas does not know what the hell it is doing. So everything goes to waste. That is why you feel like crap all the time. You maintain your weight but at a cost. Once you go on insulin, your body figures out what it`s role is in the food distribution. So instead of dumping the excess, it stores it. FAT!
So, I was feeling much better because of the insulin but I was steadily turning into an Oompah Loompah.  My self esteem went into the crapper. I was never one of those chicks that said "Do I look fat? Oh I feel fat? Is my ass fat?" I have become one of THOSE women. Nope. Not going to do that anymore.  On November 17, 2010, it will be my one year anniversary for the surgery and the not smoking. So I had a revelation. Now it is time to start a new chapter. A new anniversary. I am going to work as hard as I can to get down to that 210. I am not looking to be fashion model thin. I just want to see my old friend again.
So, excuse the mess of this blog..It will take me some time to tweak it the way I want it to look. I will post all about my journey, my weight, foods that I am cooking and I will even post about any mistakes that I encounter. Because I am only human. I am woman..Here me scream my ass off on the stair climber!!