Go away Flare!

*240* <-----new scale says that this. I still like the one at the gastros!

This is going to be a sad vent. If you don't want to get into that, just skip along. :)

  Did I share this tattoo? The bestie and I went and got matching tattoos sort of. It is a ying yang symbol with koi fish. I requested the white one because I was never a wild child but she was. It fits perfect for the two of us. It was a nice surprise from her because she had stopped getting tattoos a couple years ago. It makes me feel honored.

  I am doing this on the iPad for two reasons. I hate that laptop that I have never replaced and I am going thru Fibro flare so I am in bed most of the time. I have had that Dell for 7 yrs possibly more. It is like I want to see how long it is gonna last me. It was a big lemon when we first got it. I had to have it worked on a few times over the phone/remotely. It still is missing the letter N. But I made it work cause we have had so many financial shit storms in the past few years and nobody was just gonna hand me a new one.  I am not special like that...never have and probably never will.  I tend to be one of those that will give you the shirt off my back, my last $5, and always remember you on your birthday. In return, I am forgettable at best. My whole life. I think that is just part of my Lott. Sickly and left out. Mother's Day will be another Sunday as per usual.

   This post has turned from benign to sad real quickly. Eeks 

   I have to admit, I am very depressed and it is starting to show. My mask is slipping. I haven't been going to therapy because we haven't reached our deductible and I cannot afford to owe more people.  The dog, taxes, my health, the stress of adult kids in the house, the house needs work, the house is a mess and I get minimal help.. I have said it before, sometimes I think somebody has put a bad juju on my head. How can so much happen to one person? And don't say that bullshit that if I am positive, only positive things will come to me. Basically cause I am a born pessimist, I deserved to get cdiff, and cranial leaks, and IIH, and diabetes, and vertigo..there is more as some of you know. Because I am not a positively glowing burst of happiness, I just keep getting the shitty end of the stick. 

Nah, I just think that I possibly am a horrible person to somebody and they are giving me what they think I deserve. Or I have absolutely rotten genetics. Or God is piling on the shit to really see how much I can handle.

 I think something is going on with the right side of my skull. Sharp pains in the mastoid area. I haven't said anything to the family and I haven't made appointment to see the neuro. I am not leaking. I just think I want to ignore it for now. I just can't deal with one more thing. That is how badly depressed I have been getting. I have been getting weird muscle spasms in my arm, leg, and face. But I was told it isn't neurological. Three doctors think it is vitamin deficiency. I am already on Mag, Vitamin D, and B-12. Not working for the spasms at all. 

I have a deal with my therapist that if I start thinking dangerous thoughts, I will let her know. I am not thinking that way so all is good. I would love to have some peace from all the pain and suffering but I think I would be too chicken to do that. I fear I would fuck it up, mess up my brain, and end up in a nursing home. Not want to be worse then I am already.

  

   I know that I am not going to get those raised beds in my front yard this year. They are procrastinators. They should have never even got my hopes up. I paid for the beds at the community garden this week. I hate growing there but I don't have any other options right now. I dislike it because I have to drive to get there. I am sick 75% of the time so the thought of driving there every day is too much for me. So the beds become neglected. But I have them, I am going to do one bed as all kale and Swiss chard. One bed will be tomatoes. And the third bed I haven't decided. I will most definitely have to weed them, turn them, and top them with compost by myself. It is always either by myself, with someone that doesn't want to be there, or with someone that does but they use that day as a get out of doing anything else for a month. 

I would rather just do it myself.

  Lu is on three meds now for her heart. I know that the end is near. She will either die on her own or I will have to bring her in to be put down. I am doing this one day at a time. I will not prolong her suffering. Once she cannot do things for herself, I will do right by her. The man suggested that I could get another small dog like her. I will not. Perla is 10 yrs old and who know how many more years she has. It will just be Ruby and the cats after awhile. I don't want my heart broken too many more times in my future.

  I have so many chores that need to be done and I just lay here. Fibro flare is painful. And we have a wintery cold snap going on here in New England so it doesn't make it better. I am just gonna lay here. Lu is quietly sleeping and I am happy for that. She has some peace when we lay in the bed. 

At least one of us does,