I am in utter love!

 

*233* <---that is what the gastro`s scale says


   I am in love for a couple reasons and one of them is not that my Zyrtec is working against the allergens. not!
 First lets talk about these huge pinwheels that I bought the other day. I bought four of them, all the patterns, at 5 below. They were $4 a piece. Yes, I spent $16 plus tax on pinwheels. But they are amazing and they make me happy! 

 Wednesday I got a new phone! Yay! iPhone! Yay! It is not the latest but it is fresh, new and mine. My Samsung was limping so she had to go. Easy transition cause I am used to the iPad.
  Kid #1 got me hooked up with Snapchat. I actually kind of like it. I follow this guy called Cian Twomey. I also follow him on FB and YouTube. Dont judge. I am one of them. He is hilariously funny!

 So I love me some Snapchat. Give it a try and have some fun with it. I wanted to share a widget on here with my snap story but I couldnt figure it out. But I did add my Instagram. I do that almost every day so you can see that at least. Another peek into my soul. It is over there <---- on the left. I also wanted to share a new app I heard about. It is called Couch to 5k. It is a trainer. I have to lay on the couch and fiddle with it. You can find it in your app store on your phone. I want to step up my walking and this might help.

  I am busy cooking and cleaning today. Tonight I am making Rocky Point Clam Cakes with corn on cob, salad, and possibly tater tots. These fritters aka cakes are tha bomb. They taste better then all the local clam places around here. They are so tasty that you could eat them naked...the food is naked. Get your mind out of the gutter. Unless that is your fancy. 

I will be making tartar sauce though cause that has to happen to. I also have a soup in progress cause Kid #1 is over tired from over working. I will post the recipe but I did tweak it. It is Chicken, Lentils, and Rice Soup. 
The changes that I made were a teaspoon of grated ginger, 3 cloves of minced garlic, no mushrooms, a can of no salt diced tomato, low salt chicken broth, garlic powder, poultry seasoning, and 2 bay leaves. I added about 6-7 cups of water on top of the broth. The rice and lentils will soak up with water so you may have to add more.

  I went to the gastro. He is worried that the cdiff is getting a little aggressive. I had to send out a *sample* and I started up Flagyl today. Yuck. I hate that shit. He asked if it makes me nauseated. I cant answer that. When I took it the first time, I was very very sick already. So this will be a new sensation. I am already nauseated, in pain in colon, and have to force to eat.  Hopefully this stuff passes quickly and I dont get a luxury stay at the hospital again.

   Stopped at the pharmacy to pick up the Flaaaaaa-gyl and the pharmacist wanted to have an in depth convo with me about c-diff. He even asked me if I had the time to chat. He had been reading and listening to podcasts. He wants to know more about it because more people are coming in with it. He wants to order different probiotics and I will be the Guinea pig. Not for free, mind you, but he is trying to help. Then he tells me that he wants to help because he heard several times that the longer you have c-diff, or colonization, or multiple reoccurrences..you could end up with slow motility and possible hardening/scarring of the colon.  Like dammit, I came in there with a good mood. He tanked that real quick. It is good to know though. I always want to be informed. 

That is about it. I am gonna poke around to see what i am gonna eat for lunch and maybe take a nap.

Update: As I was stirring the soup, it looked like it needed a few things. I added two chopped potatoes and the last of the frozen spinach which was probably more then a 1/2 cup. I do that. I follow a recipe and then I just twist it around until it is unrecognizable. 

Spoonie soup

Sucks is: When you have a bunch of ailments but you don't really know which one is making you feel like shit today.

   I need to call the gastro dr but I want to see if this too shall pass. So far, no bueno. I did take a 1/4 tab of the diamox and I don't feel dizzy anymore. The leaves are birthing and my allergies are in full force. Oh well. It is life.

  Every time I make a pot or crockpot of soup, I freeze some. I have a large sleeve of those plastic chinese soup containers with lids that a chef friend gave me. Usually a big crockpot of soup, stew, or chili will yield me dinner plus two-three of those containers. I write what it is on a post it, and tape it to the lid. In the deep freezer they go. Then when I feel like shit, I can heat up some soup. I take the lid off, defrost microwave for two rounds of 4 minutes each. Then it is easy to slide out of container into a little soup pot with a lid. It is the perfect Spoonie lunch or dinner.

   It was a Chicken Kale soup. Into the crockpot, I dumped 1 small chopped onion, 2 chopped carrots or a handful of chopped baby carrots, 3 cloves of peeled garlic whole, all the breast and thigh meat (chopped) from a rotisserie chicken, container of low sodium chicken broth, 2 low sodium chicken bouillon, 1 can of tomato paste, garlic powder, thyme, black pepper and salt to taste. I pour about 4 cups of water to cover. Then topped it with 3 cups of chopped kale. I cooked it on low for 4 hours. I added a cup of ditalini pasta to cook for 1 hour more.

 You could add more veggies if you like. Sometimes I will put corn or peas or cut up tomatoes. The kale makes to soup nice and murky.


  I made that about a month ago. I felt like crap today (still do) but I had something to eat! When I am feeling  good, I should do a bunch of soups at once and freeze them up.

  The phone comes by Fedex today. I think I will patiently wait outside while I do yard work.

Have a great Wednesday!

Stuff is a-changing

*238*


  Against my better judgement, I am drinking my third 8oz cup of coffee with soy creamer and one Stevia packet. I had my sick stomach breakfast of 1 egg cooked in microwave with a sliced avocado. When I am having pain and no appetite, that breaky gives me enough boost just in case I cannot eat till dinner. *burp* Okay..I am gonna pour this shit out.

  Changes are happening. I hope that the positives continue cause we have had our fair share of bullshit. Hubs has been offered and he accepted a new position in his department. He will be a driver. He will pick up and delivery all sorts of small stuff to the different clinics and hospitals affiliated with ours. The guy he is taking over for leaves in 3 weeks so he will have plenty of time to train. He started yesterday and he likes it. This is good for him. He is off his bad foot. He is not lugging big carts of supplies. He still gets to socialize but a whole new crop of people. Plus he is back on 2nd which he likes. I dont have to worry about him as much as I have been.
  
  Kid #1 is treating me better.  She is talking to me. That look of disgust when she had to communicate with me is gone. It is either cause she has grown more, therapy, or a combo of the two. I still want a empty nest but I can tolerate a little longer cause she is more forthcoming towards me and vice versa.

   If you totally ignore my stomach issues right now, I am doing pretty good. I have had some depressive moments but I rolled with it and I am ok now. Bipolar sucks ass, I tell you. Thankfully I am of the 2 variety so it is not as intense as what I grew up with living with my Mom and Sister. They were/are 1s and that is not a fun thing to have.  I have tried to do more. Get moving. Get Doing. Try new things. I tasted beef tongue a couple weeks ago. Scared of it but I ate it with Hubs in a taco. It was actually pretty good. It was not at all tonguey. It was really like shredded roast beef.

  I have been making TO DO lists that are pinned to the wall for me to see. I scratch off when I get something done. It gives me motivation to finish that list! So I have to get moving to finish my clothing. Cause then I can scratch off Finish Sorting Clothes and Bring Donations to Jonnycakes. I have to move my bedroom around (on the list) but I have to finish the clothes!!!!!!

That is my goal today. Drop off the *children* to their destinations (it is raining) and finish the summer stuff. I am not ready to call the gut dr yet. I will give it a couple more days. It might just go away on it`s own. Why I worry a tad is that it is making me feel low blood pressure symptomatic. Or I think it is and it freaks me out. We shall see.

Have a great Tuesday. Hopefully there is sunshine for you.

Walking on the wild side

    Kid #2 and I have been walking for the past year. Not a whole lot because of my health but way more then ever before. We love to walk at the local arboretum at the college. It is not far from our home. We drive there now. This week I am going to surprise her. We are going to get some new sneakers. Good ones too. And maybe one day we can then walk to the arboretum, walk around, and then walk home. But we have to build up to it. That would be the ultimate!

I thought I would share some pics from our last walk. It was a gorgeous day. 

This is the pond. Not the very beginning of the walk but about 5 minutes in. We stopped to look at the turtles sunning on the rocks.

This is why my phone sucks and I ordered the iPhone. I couldn't zoom on the puddle ducks in front of us so they blurred out. They waddled back into the pond when they saw us. 

I have never been able to do the forest loop without wanting to die afterward. That day I felt good and we decided to DO IT.

Omg! Made me gulp. I hate heights. Long drop down.

Here is another perspective. I was less scared of this area for some strange reason.

Down and up and off the right and we will be almost done. 

This shot is the beginning (we start at that gravel path) and the end (we enter from the right of the picture). There is a nice wide stone bench to sit on, drink our water, and catch a breeze.  We usually do a 20 minute easy walk but this day we were out there for an hour. And I didn't die! Score!

  I have to research what kind of sneaks I should get. I tend to get plantar fasciitis so I need strong/hard soled shoes. 

There is a peek into one of my daily adventures. With the new phone, I will be able to document more. I wish I could be out there today. I will rest up so I can have more walking adventures with the kid. 

Too much death circa 2016

*239*<----losing what I gained in mourning feasting

  People have told me this past week that when they heard Prince died, they thought of me. I am not an outward Prince fanatic by any means. If you didn't know me really, you didn't know that I loved this man from the moment I saw him. I guess when I was younger, I left a PrinceLove impression. He was beautiful. He was talented. He was shy. He was Prince. I had this picture as a huge poster on my bedroom wall above my bed. I had all his albums. I saw his movies, even the bad ones. I was fortunate to go to one of his concerts in the late 80s. Loved him and I am very sad. You can mock me all you want but I will be sad about his death for awhile. Taken too young. 

  I haven't been around this month because we had a death in our own family. My father in law passed away suddenly from a heart attack. He had just turned 64 the week before. We are all devastated. He was a wonderful man. He was funny, real, naughty, loving...everything you can think is what he was. He was given a military burial and a wonderful send off. He would have been tickled by all the love he was receiving at his home going. Hub's Mother is surrounded by her daughters right now so she is being taken care of Upstate. 

  This is why I have been a bit quiet this month. 

Today I am in bed. My stomach had been doing really well. I mean I still have to watch what I eat but for the most part, it had been good. I think I have been complacent with it all though. Funerals and mourning make you eat. I was baking all kinds of things for his repass and it was there for eating. I gained like 7lbs. I started back to healthier eating and then I *injured* my colon again. Growling, pain, nausea, feeling green, head is cloudy...the whole kit and kaboodle. Thank goodness my kefir is non dairy and doesn't have an expiration date. I had that this morning. I see the gastro in June and I will have to have an upper endoscopy to see how my gut is doing. If this doesn't settle down, it might have to be sooner. Ugh..

   I am trying to throw some positives in today. I bought a really nice 36" square heavy glass coffee table for $40. Love it! I finally found my coffee table. I got all the beds at the community garden ready for planting. It just needs to stop having frost and freeze warnings at night. I haven't even put my house plants out yet.

I made this cake for the repass. It was really really good. I also did a strawberry lemon cream cheese pound cake. Let me see if I can find the recipe.... http://noblepig.com/2016/04/strawberry-lemon-cream-cheese-pound-cake/

I am on my iPad so I cannot do the linky links like I do on the computer.  Isn't she pretty?

That cake was lightly sweet cake but the icing made it. If you make that cake, dry your berries well and let them be room temperature. It will help with the baking. I will make that cake again. I might do blueberries as the fruit. My friend helped bake. We made a shit ton of brownies. There was a lot of food to be had and I enjoyed it all. 

I have also gotten drunk off margaritas at Chilis twice. Once cause I was sad over FIL. Second cause my bestie had to put her mom in a nursing home and she wanted a partner in numbing. That was not good for my liver at all. I know it and I am a dummy.

I painted some of the pots already. These are all krylon spray paints. I have to pick up three more colors for the rest of the pots. I also have to get soil, herbs, and cherry tomatoes. That is what is going into all the pots. Thyme, rosemary, basil, lemon balm, and I don't know. Chives most definitely. They brighten up the back patio. Much nicer then what they used to look like. One can covers one large pot and one small pot with a little bit left over. I did not paint the entire insides. Just around the lip.

  

  I almost finished sorting all my clothes for keeping and charity. I have to go through my summer stuff. Unfortunately that isn't gonna happen today. The fam is getting irritated with the full garbage bags by the front door. I want to do all the donating at one time. One fell swoop! But I am going to stay in bed with my iPad and wait for death...hahaha. No really...it will be a long while till my gut starts to feel better again. I hate feeling *green*. Like at any moment I could heave. I don't have to but I always just feel sick. I guess I will lose that 7lbs. 

  On a happy note, I am waiting for the delivery of a new phone. I am getting an iPhone. Not the newest but that is okay. I think it is a 5s 16gig, from virgin mobile. My phone is bipolar and getting ready to die. It was time. They have a deal on the phone plus you get $100 credit on your account to pay for your monthly service which is $35 a month.  So yeah. I am getting a new phone. Woot! Hubs is salty about it. He wants one too. I will surprise him with one on Fathers Day. This is kind of like my Mother's Day gift to myself. Cause you all know how that holiday pans out for me. :p

  So yeah. I am trying to decide if I call the gastro or just lay here in my jammies to wait for it to go away. 

I hope all is well with all of you. Have a great week!

I need some blueberries in my life

*239* <---home scale

 There is a revealed recipe this morning from the guy that was the Baker at the Jordan Marsh (remember that?) in Boston. I had to snag the recipe to share. It looks like a standard muffin recipe but he used to use half bread and half pastry flour. I have to get some supplies to give this a try.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter
2 cups flour (unsifted, blend of bread and pastry)
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 cups blueberries
2 teaspoons sugar (for tops)
1 teaspoon vanilla
On low speed, cream butter with sugar until fluffy. Add eggs one at a time and mix until blended. Sift dry ingredients; add to eggs-and-butter mixture, alternating with milk. Mash 1/2 cup of berries and stir into mixture by hand. Add the rest of the berries whole and stir by hand. Grease muffin tins well with butter; grease the top surface of the pans as well. Pile mixture high in each muffin cup, and sprinkle the sugar over tops.

Bake at 375 degrees for 30 minutes.


Blogger tells me that I am a lonely bitch.  It looks like absolutely nobody reads here anymore so I either scared you all away or blogger screwed something up. I dont know how to even begin to figure it out. Eh. It isnt like I am not used to talking to myself anywho. And I have only one person that gives me feedback so if you are out there, I really do not know it.

  I am not feeling better but I am not feeling worse. That is a plus. Believe me. I am not feeling like a major sad sack today. You can put away the hotline numbers. I have depression and sometimes when TOOMUCH is going on, it will intensify. I am always depressed but I keep it on a even keel. The weather is starting to even out a bit which also helps With that comes allergies but that is part of living for some and I have my generic Zyrtec. I am just going at life one day at a time. I have to. I aint going no place voluntarily at this point. :)

  With that. I have to say that my new attitude lately has been for the good. I dont have to please anyone but myself (and the man). I have been just thinking of myself and saving money at it. I went out to get myself a iced tea. I would usually buy one for each of us. Instead, I bought two...for me. Yeah, that felt good. There was no guilt felt there at all. I had decided that this year was the beginning of it being about just me and the man. We are done raising our children. They are grown now whether they like it or not. The iced teas was a symbol. I am gonna do what I want for us. Freedom! But it is already April, and it had not happened yet. That is about to change.

   I have a list of things taped to the wall in front of me that I have to do. Taxes are at the top. Those will be done this Sunday while I cook. But there are other things. I did a really good job of thinning the herd in my closet. I had two bags full and I had two baskets to go through. Then I ran out of steam. Those two bags have to go to the donation center for Sunday morning. So I have to finish going through the rest of my clothes before then. I am hoping that today is that day! LOL

   Lu has actually been doing a smidge better. The 3rd pill has started to kick in. I am under no delusions that she will live to a ripe old age but if she can live past the summer, I would be happy with that.

  There was some good news this week. My Mammo ultrasound came back negative. Yay! I am slowly teaching Ruby to go out on her runner without me watching her. Yay! And some other good stuff that I aint gonna say cause I have to keep some shit to myself. Yay!

  Okay..gonna finish this coffee and clean the kitchen.

TGIF and I hope you have a sunny weekend.


  

 

Go away Flare!

*240* <-----new scale says that this. I still like the one at the gastros!

This is going to be a sad vent. If you don't want to get into that, just skip along. :)

  Did I share this tattoo? The bestie and I went and got matching tattoos sort of. It is a ying yang symbol with koi fish. I requested the white one because I was never a wild child but she was. It fits perfect for the two of us. It was a nice surprise from her because she had stopped getting tattoos a couple years ago. It makes me feel honored.

  I am doing this on the iPad for two reasons. I hate that laptop that I have never replaced and I am going thru Fibro flare so I am in bed most of the time. I have had that Dell for 7 yrs possibly more. It is like I want to see how long it is gonna last me. It was a big lemon when we first got it. I had to have it worked on a few times over the phone/remotely. It still is missing the letter N. But I made it work cause we have had so many financial shit storms in the past few years and nobody was just gonna hand me a new one.  I am not special like that...never have and probably never will.  I tend to be one of those that will give you the shirt off my back, my last $5, and always remember you on your birthday. In return, I am forgettable at best. My whole life. I think that is just part of my Lott. Sickly and left out. Mother's Day will be another Sunday as per usual.

   This post has turned from benign to sad real quickly. Eeks 

   I have to admit, I am very depressed and it is starting to show. My mask is slipping. I haven't been going to therapy because we haven't reached our deductible and I cannot afford to owe more people.  The dog, taxes, my health, the stress of adult kids in the house, the house needs work, the house is a mess and I get minimal help.. I have said it before, sometimes I think somebody has put a bad juju on my head. How can so much happen to one person? And don't say that bullshit that if I am positive, only positive things will come to me. Basically cause I am a born pessimist, I deserved to get cdiff, and cranial leaks, and IIH, and diabetes, and vertigo..there is more as some of you know. Because I am not a positively glowing burst of happiness, I just keep getting the shitty end of the stick. 

Nah, I just think that I possibly am a horrible person to somebody and they are giving me what they think I deserve. Or I have absolutely rotten genetics. Or God is piling on the shit to really see how much I can handle.

 I think something is going on with the right side of my skull. Sharp pains in the mastoid area. I haven't said anything to the family and I haven't made appointment to see the neuro. I am not leaking. I just think I want to ignore it for now. I just can't deal with one more thing. That is how badly depressed I have been getting. I have been getting weird muscle spasms in my arm, leg, and face. But I was told it isn't neurological. Three doctors think it is vitamin deficiency. I am already on Mag, Vitamin D, and B-12. Not working for the spasms at all. 

I have a deal with my therapist that if I start thinking dangerous thoughts, I will let her know. I am not thinking that way so all is good. I would love to have some peace from all the pain and suffering but I think I would be too chicken to do that. I fear I would fuck it up, mess up my brain, and end up in a nursing home. Not want to be worse then I am already.

  

   I know that I am not going to get those raised beds in my front yard this year. They are procrastinators. They should have never even got my hopes up. I paid for the beds at the community garden this week. I hate growing there but I don't have any other options right now. I dislike it because I have to drive to get there. I am sick 75% of the time so the thought of driving there every day is too much for me. So the beds become neglected. But I have them, I am going to do one bed as all kale and Swiss chard. One bed will be tomatoes. And the third bed I haven't decided. I will most definitely have to weed them, turn them, and top them with compost by myself. It is always either by myself, with someone that doesn't want to be there, or with someone that does but they use that day as a get out of doing anything else for a month. 

I would rather just do it myself.

  Lu is on three meds now for her heart. I know that the end is near. She will either die on her own or I will have to bring her in to be put down. I am doing this one day at a time. I will not prolong her suffering. Once she cannot do things for herself, I will do right by her. The man suggested that I could get another small dog like her. I will not. Perla is 10 yrs old and who know how many more years she has. It will just be Ruby and the cats after awhile. I don't want my heart broken too many more times in my future.

  I have so many chores that need to be done and I just lay here. Fibro flare is painful. And we have a wintery cold snap going on here in New England so it doesn't make it better. I am just gonna lay here. Lu is quietly sleeping and I am happy for that. She has some peace when we lay in the bed. 

At least one of us does,

High on blood sugar

Bridge closed for awhile cause of snow

*232* <---i think

 I bought a  new scale today because the old one shit the bed. Well, the scale at home and the scale at the Dr is different. My scale says I am fatter. I will ignore it for now. It is sad when one scale makes you happy and the other makes you frown. I am paying attention to how my clothes feel and they are still loose.
  This weekend I had a real revelation and a scare this morning. My pancreas must be having issues cause if I eat any bread, pasta, rice, or bad for yous..my blood sugar shoots to the moon. Like scary numbers for me. I woke up this morning still super tired. I took him to work (in the snow) and ate a bagel lightly buttered. I guess I should have checked my blood sugar first. It was almost 400! I have never ever EVER seen that number before. I took insulin and it is going down. I have to follow what the gastro says and stop veering. I need to follow what the neuro says and stop veering.
Low carb, low sodium, no processed, no dairy, lots of fruits, vegs, legumes, and whole grains. It is so hard though. I sound like I am whining and I am. Your crazy body craves stuff. And when you are told that you shouldnt have it, it is like you now have to have it.
 I have said this before and I am rolling my own eyes at myself but I have to do this. I did eat a great lunch...crabcakes, avocado, and seaweed salad. I am going to try my damndest!

   Lu has to start taking another pill to stop the coughing. I do realize now that she doesnt have long on this Earth. She has been taking meds for 3 months now so she could have 3-9 more months left. I am trying to be grown and give her plenty of love for her days with us. That is all I am going to say about that.
  I have a TO DO list sitting on the wall in front of me. I have a bunch of stuff to do including our taxes. I was going to do it today but because of my blood sugar making me feel like shit, I choose to do it tomorrow instead. I have to mail a ebay and I am going to finish sorting thru my clothes for donation. That would be a good snow day activity!

Okay..I  need to get moving.
Have a great Monday!