Time to be Zen

He is cool, man

*266*

My friend sent me this pic in a text last night. I really needed it at that very moment. It made me laugh out loud actually. She titled it Zen Jesus. I was asked my therapist if I was spiritual. Not necessarily religious but spiritual. I had to be honest and tell her no. She told me that in the future, maybe I could use that as a way to deal with what I have coming ahead of me. I am not looking to sign up for any religious organization. I am a pain in the butt Catholic, I do not go to church, I believe in God. I believe there is a heaven and a hell but I am not praying or praising anything. I guess some Christians would say that I have a one way ticket to hell then. But I do not want to get into that right now.

 I need to find a way to be okay with whatever comes my way. I compare this to finding out you have a terminal illness or a bad form of cancer. There is going to be no cure for me. It could stay the way it is or it could get worse. I am 43 years old. How long will I survive not being able to eat? These are things I am thinking about. Not saying that people in their 60s or 70s are more deserving of this kind of fate. But I have some more living to do. Is it going to be quality living? I do not know at this point.

Going to have to figure out how I am going to deal with all of this. First I need to get my eyes checked It has been awhile. If I have a fucked up gut, do I have fucked up eyes? I do not think so but who knows..right?
Then I have to find a way to deal with what I have been given. This is going to be my life, for better and for worse.
I have to find a place in myself that will be okay with this, deal with it, do my utmost to keep it in check, and live as good of a life as I can.

Still sucks major ass though!

Cat scan tomorrow. I have to be there at.....630am!! Then I have to drink a contrast for an hour (i hope I do not puke) and then they take scans for 15 mins (i hope I do not puke). Then I will wait for the results......again.