Breast Cancer Sucks..Depressing post. You have been warned.

*230*


   Breast Cancer sucks. The end.

   I have been waiting to find out what my treatment plan is going to be. I have to wait for the genetic score of my tumor before it can be decided. I found out yesterday that the latest that it will be ready is June 15th. I have been very silent and holing myself up because it is just too much to deal with. I saw the oncologist last week and I asked what my treatment options looked like. Because the cancer moved into the lymph node, I could be seeing some type of chemo.
If my score is 0-17, I will have radiation for 5 1/2 weeks (Mon-Fri) and hormone blockers for 5 years. 18-25 is a grey area but because my cancer acted off (should not have gone into the node) I will have to do 4 rounds of chemo (Taxol) every 3 weeks, radiation, and hormone blockers. If it is 26 and above...6 months of chemo (two types), then radiation, and then the hormone blockers. Yup. Now you know why I have been very quiet. I have fucking cancer dreams. And if one more person tells me not to worry, I am gonna knock them out. No one who has ever had cancer has said that to me. It is always someone that never had it or any bad illness. Think about it. You are told you have a cancer that will basically never go away and it kills people. I was told my cancer was survivable. If that isnt a mind fuck, i dont know what is.

  Then I had a whole issue with our health insurance. I dont want to get into it but basically some illegal stuff happened and I was dumped from hubs work plan by the insurance company. But we were helped by the company insurance dude. We all have insurance now and it is actually going to be a better benefit for us in the long run then the company option.  The only thing that sucks is I have no dental insurance. A diabetic with no dental. Isnt that lovely? A cancer patient with no dental. I will be losing teeth, I bet.

  I literally have nothing to say. Well I do have things to say but I wont say them. I am dealing with some family stuff (not anyone in the house) that I would love to share but I fear that one or two of them read here and I am not gonna add fuel to that fire. Not that I care at this point. I have other things to contend with over that.  See how I didnt tell you anything but I did tell you something. LMAO. Yeah, I am not in a good place right now in my head. I try to keep myself busy and that seems to make it less about the cancer at times. I am praying that it is only radiation. Low numbers please. I dont think I will survive 6 months of chemotherapy and I am not being dramatic. With my stomach issues and diabetes...plus she said my cdiff will probably come back because chemo gives you infections.

 Enough of that. This is a super depressing post and I am sorry for that. Go watch a kitten video or something to wash this shit from your brain. Once I know what is going on, I can process it better and face whatever is coming my way. Right now I just cannot. But I felt I should post something so the 2 of you and the Bot would know what was going on.

I am going to go back into my hole now.

One week later

one of four types of hosta in my yard

*230*

  I am here. I am alive. I assume you know that because I am still posting on IG. Today is one week since my breast cancer surgery. I had a bilateral (both breasts) lumpectomy to remove cancer on right and radial scar on the left. The surgeon only removed one lymph node which is amazingly good. Really good. Means no spread there. I have to wait 3 weeks for the results of my Oncotype test. Lets pray for a very very very low score. We dont want no chemo over here. I see my surgeon on Thursday for post op. I see my onco end of the month. I start radiation after I am healed in 6 weeks. So we are looking at the end of June. Then I do that for 5 and 1/2 weeks. That carries me to the first week of August. Then I will start the hormone blocker meds after that...five years of that bitch. Hopefully the symptoms wont be too bad for me. I am going to stay positive.

   I am healing very well. The steristrip on my armpit came off in my sleep last night. It was hanging by a thread. I trimmed it. No pulling off. It has to come off on it`s own or the surgeon will do it. The areas are so itchy but I just smack them and tell them to shut up. Literally just smack them like a tattoo. My honest opinion, lumpectomy surgery is a piece of cake in the surgery side of things. I took Tylenol for the first 2 days and then I was fine. If you are ever faced with this type of surgery, just know that it is not horrible pain wise and healing is super easy.

    I had to keep it easy last week but I did get some gardening done before surgery. The garden bed on the side of the house is filled. Kale, beets, cauliflower (a first for me), swiss chard, and lettuce. It is doing very well. I have three big pots filled with radish babies and I have three pots with a basil plant in each. Still too cold here to break out the tomato plants. I do not have a bed in the front done yet so I think I will do a couple cherry tomato plants in pots and call it a day. I also have my trusty pot of chives. She comes up every year. I did not renew my membership to the community garden and decided to just stay home this year. I am going to do some shade veggies and hopefully I will have garden beds built in the front by the Fall! Dammit! LOL..I did talk to a friend of Hubs. He will do it for me. I just want two 4-6 foot long ones and that is all. I will be happy.

  Yesterday was the last day of Breast Cancer Bingefest 2018. I had been basically eating whatever I wanted but not overeating, mind you. Gluten, sugar, rice, and just general crap. My skin tells the tale of my treachery. I realized a couple months ago that when I do not eat gluten, my skin clears up without any help from steroid cream or medications. Patient heal thyself. I had the last yummers last week and I am going to slowly fight the carb and sugar cravings while I get back into low carb. Last night I had chicken cacciatore with mozz cheese over yam noodles. Today, I do not know what I am going to make. Something with hamburger probably. Maybe just actual burgers on the grill with a salad. No bun needed. Put an egg on top of the burger.

  That is about it for me this morning. I have to get moving. I have let moss grow on my butt too long. I have to keep myself busy. Have a great week and I will talk to you later!

April Showers Bring May Flowers

*235* <---Something like that. Around about there. 

 I was awoken by a couple cats at 3am. They decided that would be a perfect time to ask for breakfast. Most of the time they bother Hubs because they know he has to get up anyway. The nerve of them! I know for sure I will be taking a nap later.  No gardening going to be going on today. It rained so much yesterday that all the leaves and the beds are saturated. I like to garden but I am not that hardcore.

  Let`s get the icky stuff out of the way. I saw the surgeon. She says that my left boob is negative. No cancer. There is a very small radial scar that will have to come out but otherwise, thank god! The cancer in the other breast is stage 1a grade 2 at this point. That could change after everything is biopsied. She is going to recommend me for radiation. <---not fucking happy about that. I am having surgery to remove the two areas in the breasts and a few lymph nodes on the right on May 14. May 1 I have an appointment with the oncologist and I know she is going to put me on the dreaded Tamoxifen. I already saw a shrink and he gave me a script for Lexapo to deal with the Tamoxifen. I havent started taking it yet. I hate side effects. I will probably start taking it on this Sunday. Fresh week with a fresh new medication.

  I do not know how I feel right now about all of this. I should be freaked out and I think a small part of me is. But I have to take it day by day. There is nothing I can do about what is going to happen cause it has to happen to make the cancer go away. We will just pray really hard that the Onoctype testing on the biopsied pieces will come back with a very low number. It is a test that will tell you if you have a chance of reoccurence of the cancer. Higher then 20% will require chemo or mastectomy or both. LOW NUMBER! I have a oncology nurse navigator. She will help me with appointments, if I do not feel well, classes, questions, insurance, and the like. I will have three doctors and someone has to help you navigate the maze of cancer.

As for otherwise life, nothing much else is occupying my mind at the moment. I do have the garden going on but with the deluge of rain we had been getting, I havent planted the lettuce or radish seeds yet. I am hoping that I get out there tomorrow when the ground has dried some. I want to get them in the ground. I also need to pick up some kale and collard plants at some point. Yesterday`s rain was really bad. I am surprised the basement didnt flood a little bit. I have to do the kombucha today after I come back from the dispensary. It is time to bottle it. If you wait too long, it starts to taste vinegary. So today is the day.

 I am boring. I have nothing witty to discuss or share. My mind is in boring old Cancerland and I have lack of sleep. Maybe the next post will be more exciting. Maybe not. Whose to know.
I hope you have a great rest of your week. I will be back to share again next week. Pray for lots of sunshine!

Forgive me for my tardiness

*234*

  Yes, I have breast cancer in my right breast. This is why I havent posted. I have been walking around in a bit of a fog. I had a MRI biopsy on my left breast yesterday. Next Friday I see the boob surgeon to talk about what those results are and what my journey will be. I have a Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC) that is Estrogen and Progesterone positive and HER2 negative <---that is very good. It is very small, about 9mm. If there is nothing nasty going on in the left, I will probably just have surgery and take the Tamoxifen for five years. But I do not know what is going to happen. We do not know if it is in my lymph nodes. We do not know what is in my left breast. So I have no more answers then what I just said.

  That is all I really want to talk about today. I am just not ready to engage with people. I have been working in the garden bed on the side of the house to get it ready for planting. I have been just keeping busy so I do not have to think about it. I just realized I had not posted and guessing there are some of you that were waiting to hear from me. I am sorry, please forgive me.

Ok. I will post when I think about it and I will let you know what is going on. I am going to go work on the chicken dinner I have planned.
Have a good weekend.

Easter is a-coming

*235*

  I am eating my breakfast as I type this up. Still feeling under the weather from whatever that virus was the hit me but it doesn't stop my gut from being hungry. I have got a smidge more then a month until my appointment with my GP and I have lost no weight. I am going to pull out all the stops starting yesterday. Keto all the way. I am not going to starve myself to lose weight though. Do not worry. I should have been doing this all along and I am a dummy (i say that to myself). I deserve to be told that I have to raise the amount of insulin that I take. Doesn't mean I will follow Doctors advice but I deserve to be told. He is gonna yell at me for not taking the Crestor. He and I both know I cannot take a statin. It gives me bad side effects. But I have high cholesterol. Part of me knows I should eat vegan but we all know that isnt going to happen. I do not like deprivation. I do not care if it will give me more years. I deprive myself every day of yummy foods and I cannot see myself not eating meats, eggs, and cheeses.  You see how well I am doing with losing weight for a Doctor`s visit is going.  Yes, I said I will not follow the Doctor`s orders when he raises my insulin. I am not walking around with super high blood sugars and I have lost damn near 65lbs in the past thousand years. I am going to just try to stay the fuck away from carbs and sugar. Stay away demons!

Saw the boob surgeon

   I had to reschedule my appointment because of a snow storm but I saw her that Friday after. She told me that she wanted to call me on the phone and explain what was found but she felt it would be better with visuals. Just the fact that she wanted to call me made me feel better but also made me go..oh boy.  She showed me the MRI of both breasts. The mass on the right is bright white and you can see the irregular margins. She said it could be a whole bunch of things. She rattled them all off and I do not remember. I said *or it could be cancer. * She said Yes but if it is, it is very very small. Then the other side is a big mass of non mass, 3cmX3cm. It could be a whole bunch of things from the most benign to ductal carcinoma. I am sitting here waiting for the hospital to call to set up appointment for a Ultrasound with possible biopsies. If they cannot see the things in question on ultrasound, I will have to have another MRI done and they will do the biopsies then. I do not want any biopsies at all. None. I hate them. They hurt me so much. Yeah. That is what is going on with me right now. Wondering if I have ticking time bombs in my breasts.

Trying....

  I am just trying to get by day to day. Money is extremely tight right now. I am hoping that it will get better. I am hoping that if I do have cancer, it does not need chemotherapy. Because I have my hustle and if I cannot do the hustle, we will be in serious trouble. I am trying to just get stuff done. There is so much to get done and there is only just me to do it. Yes, I know there are three other adults in this house but you all know my story. I do not have to repeat it to you. The things facing me at the moment....Install new Firestick. Taxes. New batch of kombucha. laundry. Mount clothes in my room. Bagging leaves and branches. Washing pots outside. Vacuuming. Wash the stairs. The list goes on and on. Oh, and I have to call Insurance cause that is all screwed up. But that can only happen after I drop my adult child off to work. Seriously..

April 1st


  I need to take the ham out of the freezer on Thursday. I have to go grocery shopping for all the food stuff for Easter dinner. We will have a veggie feast like years past. I will make a pot of mashed potatoes but I will not indulge. I will be happy with my meat and veggies. They want me to make lemon cupcakes with lemon cream cheese frosting. I will do it and it will be so hard not to eat one. OMG so hard. I did buy candy for baskets because I dont know why. I am trying really hard to stop doing things for them because they are grown assed people but then nostalgia hits and they bitch that they want a basket. Idk.

Ugh. I do not feel good. Feeling queasy over here. I also realize I have change to roll. We save our change, roll it (cause it is free), take it to the bank, and put it in savings. I probably only have about $50 but that is better then nothing.
I am going to go now. I am still in my jammies over here and I have to pick myself up and get some stuff done. yuck.
Have a good week and I will be back next week with some updates.

Stupidity to the highest degree

*235*

  I am late. I am late. For a very important date! I had the Mother of all migraines on Monday and it settled in until yesterday. I am not 100% today but I am functional.  We shall see how far I get before my head says No bitch and I have to end this. The 4th Nor`easter we had planned for yesterday was a major bust. It did finally snow in the evening but when we woke up in the morning, the hard surfaces were clean. No shoveling!! My hope is that will be THE last snow storm until like late October or November. Go snow. Just go. Easter is so close and we need some warmer weather so we can wear our sun dresses and sandals. *** I left to drop off Kid #2 at work, I seasoned these pork rib tips (in fridge) for dinner, and I ate a half a sleeve of Dos si dos.***

   Let me just get right to it. I had gotten an email last Friday stating that it was my MRI and mammogram results. My appt with the Boob surgeon wasnt until yesterday (which was cancelled because of the non snow). I was stupid and looked at the results. The radiologist found one thing in each breast. They are labeled as possible malignancies. Right Breast : There is a 9 mm mass with irregular borders seen at 1:00, anterior depth, approximately 3.4 cm from the nipple. It demonstrates washout enhancement kinetics and is minimally T2 hyperintense. Left Breast:  There is an area of nonmass enhancement seen just posterior to this, at 12:00, posterior depth. It measures approximately 3.3 x 3.2 cm in biaxial dimension. It demonstrates persistent and plateau enhancement kinetics.
It has been suggested that I have core biopsies on both breasts. I have a appt with the surgeon tomorrow (Friday). I will tell her that I was stupid and read the report. She will tell me what she has to tell me. The scary part is the Mammo. They did not do a 3d tomo mammo on me at this particular facility. The mammo says my breasts look fine. They look FINE! So yeah. More fucking breast biopsies and who knows what else.
  Then I get the report back from the Upper Endoscopy. It says I have Barretts Esophagus. That is your next step before the next step is esophageal cancer. I know I am stretching but I never wanted to be diagnosed with BE. I cannot take PPIs and other GERD meds because my past Cdiff. Screwed I am, arent I?
 My pharmacist suggested looking into Autophagy. Basically water fasting. You do not do it for long periods of time at first. Slowly over the months before you build up to longer fasts. I am supposed to eat Keto also when I am not water fasting. This is the way to try to stop the madness that is my body. Or give up and let it take over.  I am basically not going to be able to take the Methotrexate for my PA because I will probably be put on the cancer drug I talked about before. Then I will have to be put on a anti depressant because I will go into instant menopause. This is just too much shit for me to take in.

  I have put a hold on my job search for now. It is depressing that no one wants to even interview me. It was really getting to me. Plus, who knows what is going to happen after tomorrow. Biopsy results could be ugly. I dont want this. I dont want more surgery. I do not want to take a medication that will put me into menopause, make my hair fall out, and leave me being the most unsexiest thing on the planet. I do not want to have to limit foods so drastically so that I can live longer. It isn't fair. I have the most pitiful medical chart. So many illnesses. So many surgeries. So many allergies. Now, I will be in full blown menopause and I will have to lose weight while I am doing it and stay away from high carbs. That will be FUN.

  This is becoming a very sad rant post. I have held this information in for over a week. I only told two people because they are my cancer people. They have had breast cancer so I can fall back on them when I have questions. I dont want this. I dont want this. I dont want this.


I wasn't going to unload all this but when I came home from dropping her off, I got the gastro results in the mail. I am a little over the edge with all of this. I figured there are maybe 3 people and a couple bots that come on here to read my drivel. It is nothing great. Just my life diary that I have laid open for anyone to read and poke fun at if they so choose to. This is a safe place for me. I can say what I have to say and no one is going to comment...ever. I may have breast cancer. I may have another radial scar on the left that will have to be removed. What will the breast look like then? Does that raise my breast cancer risk %? Should I think about Mastectomy? Do I want to go that radical? I may have to with no choice. If that happens, do I want reconstruction or just leave it be and get a tattoo?
  Will I become an awful mean person with no hope while I am stripped of the last of my estrogen? Will my marriage survive it? If it doesn't, will I survive if that happens?  I might not want to.

Add all of this plus the daily struggles of having no money and trying to figure out how to pay for things. It is just too much for one person. Everyone says how strong I am. Sometimes I just wish I could not be. Why do I always have to so strong? When do I get permission to fall apart?

I will stop this said list of What Ifs. I may post tomorrow or the next day if I am up to it. If I do not, I will definitely post on Monday or Tuesday. Some way, I will let you all know what is going on.

Have a good week and pray for some warmer temperatures.

It is a gonna be a two coffee pod kinda day

This is Julien. Kid #1 calls him Bashir. Shout out if you get reference 

*236* <-----eating things I shouldnt it. Make it STAHP!

  It is 932am est and I have been up since 530ish am. We are in the midst of another Nor`easter here on the shore. They are saying we could get a foot of snow when it is all said and done. The snow was impressive earlier but no so much now. Unless we get some more banding going on, I think the thought of epic snowfall is a bust. We shall see.

   Again, I have missed too many weeks in a row and for that I am sorry. My past couple weeks have been very stressful. It always seems like shit storms comes in threes. I will break some of these things down, some I will not because I have to keep a little air of mystery about me. I will try to add a positive at the end of each thing because that is how I am trying to live my life. Except I have no postives to say about my computer life. First the iPad died. I cannot afford to replace it. Now I found out that this HP Stream that I bought for myself is a $200 piece of garbage. Windows 10 is too large for the gigs on this things so it has already out of memory (bought in January). I cannot update it at all. I cannot upgrade the memory because of the kind of memory it has. And you guessed it, I cannot afford to replace it. I still have the Chrome book as a back up when I can no longer use this one. No positives for this declaration at all. And we do not get refunds so a computer will not happen then. Oh well. Maybe the Apple Fairy will gift me. Probably not.

Can I get a discount card on Cat Litter?

  First up, you have probably seen the pictures of Julien on the IG feed. He has been Kid #2 and my secret this past month. This lady came into the office with her cat and the litter. The office was going to adopt one of the litter when they were ready because one of the vet cats passed away. All the girls (3 left) are very much older and they wanted to bring up a youngin while the girls were still around. Kid #2 asked me to come in and see the kittens cause they were so tiny. Julien is the runt. He had to be mine. We received him two weeks ago during the last storm. We also found out this week he contracted round worms from his mother (the whole litter did) but he had his first de-worming and he will be fine. He is a little spit fire. He leaps. He runs like the wind. Last week he weigh 1.86 lbs. He is too small to be so fearless but he is. It took about a week but everyone has adapted. I am now OFFICIALLY a crazy cat lady. I had no plan at all to get another cat. We had three. Dont need another. But it happened and we are happy. He is very lovey to everyone. He is black but he still has a bit of his fever coat. That will go away as the months go by.

 I am the IV queen

 Last week I had the upper endoscopy. Nothing impressive. No ulcers. I still have gastritis, esophagitis, and he noted my hiatal hernia. Biopsies were taken. I have not heard anything back so that tells me that all is well with that. But, the hernia is probably the reason I am having trouble swallowing. It can get it the point where it pushes up a little higher in your chest and can make you have difficulties. I am supposed to take care of my Acid reflux but I cannot take PPIs because of the Cdiff.  I will just deal with what I have gut wise. If the hernia ever gets too bad, I will have the surgery. But as for now, no no no.
  Yesterday, I had my Mammo and my boob MRI with contrast. That all went well too. Of course they cannot tell me anything. I have an appointment with the boob surgeon next week. Lets hope I hear NOTHING before that appointment. I want no phone calls about the scans. All is well and they found nothing.

 When one door closes, Another one opens

We found out that hubby`s last cleaning job was given to some other company. Nothing do with him or his performance. Just company restructuring. That left us with alot of money a month out of our budget. I lost it. Completely lost it. I remember my friend (and mechanic) said he had someone that had a cleaning company. Long story short, we will be making approximately 2/3rds back. Still money missing but not catastrophic. We can work with that and hopefully there will be more to come.
The paid internship fell through. They could not work around the rules of paying me so that fell apart. I had decided that I would never get my hopes up for a job again. Now I have a chance at maybe another paid internship with our local cable company. That is actually the first job I applied for and had not done so well on the phone interview. Not bad. Just inexperienced at it. Now I know how to do all that. The company actually does participate in internships so we shall see. They need workers. I need a job! Wish my ass luck cause I am really tired of applying for stuff.

Girl, you need to stop

Because of a bunch of stressful stuff, I have not been eating right. Bread. Noodles. Rice. Potato. Junk. Pizza! You name it, it is going down. I have to really do it now. My doctor is gonna raise my insulin at my appt in May. Now it is the middle of March and I have not lost a significant amount. I have a plan. I am going to slowly slack off from now until Saturday. Saturday I will be taking my first Methotrexate shot..did I tell you about this? let me look....I guess I havent. The rhemy changed my methotrexate from a pill to a shot so it does not effect my gut like the pill did. I had to wait till this cold was all over before I can take the first shot. So, Saturday will be the first shot and the first day back on LCHF fully. All the junk in the house will be gone/ I will have set myself up with good for me snacks and I will be ready to go. I have to lose at least 10 more pounds by the beginning of May. I will do this. I need to do this! As i eat a slice of leftover pizza for breakfast/lunch.
Crap! 49 days until May 1, 2018!

Housework sucks

  Since I am *snowbound* today, I am going to get some cleaning done. I have to change the hose on the sump pump (it sprung a few leaks). I have to water all the plants. I will do the plants after I finish up on here. They are priority. I have a few that cannot wait for Spring so that I can repot them. When you have a boisterous kitten, you realize how dusty your house is. Pulling stuff out and vacuum underneath is going to happen in the livingroom today. Has to be done. I will polish all the furniture in the there and I will be good till next week. Okay. I ate one small slice of pizza. I think I am going to throw the other two away. Not gonna eat them. Going...going...gone. I tossed it in the trash and smushed it in the trash. Not that I would ever ever never eat that now but I felt it needed that extra Fuck you for being there so that I would eat it.


Okay...it is really time for me to do some stuff. I hope all is well with you. Stay out of the snow if you can help it. And I will be back next week.