Some good news for a change

  I called the gastro dr today because Fred made me. I hardly slept last night because my stomach hurt and it was waking me up. Plus a couple other things. So he calls back to see what I had to say and he checked on my blood work that I had done. He said everything came back positive. Meaning my liver, pancreas, and gallbladder are all good. Thank the lord. Now we have to figure out why I am plugged up and in pain.
 He looked and said my procedures were scheduled for March 22. I was like WHAT? He said that will not do. You cannot wait that long. He was going to talk to his schedulers to get me in much earlier. I hope it is sooner then the 11th.
 I told him the pain is the still there every single day, food hurts, laxative is working but not as much as would be beneficial.
He listened and I am confident we will find out what the fuck is going on!

Good news makes you feel good.

Whole lot of honesty..Warning!

Remember Tab? I remember my Mom drinking it back in the 70s at the beach. If I  think back in my brain I vaguely remember what it tasted like. Maybe not. I have been drinking Diet Pepsi for a long time. I did not drink it for the *diet* factor in it. Regular soda was just too sweet for me. I do not remember when it started but it was before I had kids.

Anyway....it has surfaced recently that diet soda is hurting my stomach area also. NOOOOOO! My one true vice of Diet Pepsi and I have to stop drinking it? I noticed that I was not drinking it every day. I would at least have one cup with dinner. I went like three days and then I went on a Pepsi binge on the third day. It is because the stuff is hurting my gut. I want it so bad that I hold off till I cannot take it anymore. Coffee has become the enemy too. I am down to drinking one small cup a day. And that takes me forever to finish. Sucks Ass! I have realized now that it is basically everything that hurts my gut. Not just that list I posted. EVERYTHING HURTS NOW! I have to drink a laxative every day so that I can go inefficiently. I wait till I cannot take the hunger pains anymore and then I will eat something.  Fred and I were each eating a small slice of cheese pastry. I had like one bite left and I couldn't eat it if you promised to give me a $100. He looked at me weird. I felt weird. I could eat a whole large grinder (sub/hoagie) to myself and now I cannot eat this small slice of danish? I went to the grocery store yesterday to pick up a couple things for dinner. I was in there probably a total of 15-20 minutes. I started feeling hot and sick. My stomach started to hurt. I ended my trip, went to cash out, and left. I notice that if I am in the car driving for a bit, my stomach starts to cramp/hurt. So now non physical activities hurt. I find that I get tired faster especially doing housework. Going up and down the stairs never bothered me but now it makes me have to sit down and rest.  It is not just in the right side anymore. It is right upper, right lower, and left upper AND both sides of lower back and right side of upper back.  My clothes are starting to hang. Pants that my fat ass could NEVER fit into, I can button and zip. Too tight still to wear but give it some more time and I will be sporting them by Spring. I am a human clusterfuck.
 I am scared.
I am scared because this is probably something serious. It has come on all of a sudden. The symptoms have been getting worse and multiplying as the weeks go by. I am worried one day that I wont be able to poop at all. There could be a partial blockage. That indicates cancer. Or I could have some awful disorder that will render my life shittier than it is now.
Which would you rather in this situation?
 I do not say these things to friends and family cause I do not want to freak them out right now unnecessarily.
But I have all the symptoms and signs of colon cancer. Even the ribbon poop. That was interesting to look up but once you see it, you know it is not normal. The only thing I do not have is blood. And I know that sometimes you never know you are bleeding until they do an occult test.

 I think I want to document these things so that I do not forget. If you do not want to read it, that is fine. I just have to post this stuff. I was holding back because I got criticized for sharing. Supposedly my life is supposed to be about butterflies and kittens for some damn reason. Not everybodies life is picture perfect. Some people get the shittier end of the stick for whatever reason. If they keep that stuff to themselves all the time, they will go nuts. This is the most benign place to share for me right now. I wont stress out my family with my symptoms and I can get shit off my chest.  And maybe someone else will read it and say, Hey..that is going on with me too. I may not have cancer at all. It might just be some disorder I will have to deal with. I know from reading that it is probably not  Crohn`s or diverticulitis. I do not have diarrhea at all. I wish I did. It would be better then this slow moving train.
I have to wait exactly 14 days from today until my roto rooter is done. I notice that my life now is separated into 2 week increments. Hurry up and wait two weeks!

I have this massively big grocery bag full of blood oranges. I NEED to suck it up and make the damn marmalade today. Those oranges cost me money and I will be pissed if I let them go to waste. Today i am going to clean the kitchen up and at least section all the fruit. If I can do that, I can make the jam tomorrow. So I think that is good for me. Separate it into two days so that i do not become overwhelmed.
Natalie will help cook dinner tonight. Chicken Alfredo. I am going to make a light tomato sauce for myself to have chicken in there with the pasta, sauce, and grated Parmesan. Nom Nom Nom.

That is what is going on in my head right now. I wish I did not have to wait 2 weeks. Two weeks is alot of time of thinking. And letting whatever is going on in my gut to ferment or grow. I just wish it was sooner.

Okay, I hope I did not totally bum you out. I had to let it go though. Thanks for listening,

My kingdom for a.....

POOP!

   Yes, I said it. I am sick and tired of being constipated. Now I am not completely non-functioning in that area but if you eat THIS much food and only poop THIS much food...there is a problem. That colonoscopy aint coming fast enough. I have gotten shall we say worse..the nausea and feeling like I am gonna barf is more prevalent all day. The pain is still there but has spread to other places in my stomach area. Still have the side pain that is original. That never went away. I realized this afternoon that I need to eat way less. I had a turkey sandwich with a cup of cling peaches for lunch. Not a big sandwich at all. Normal size. And my gut feels like it is gonna explode. Tonight we are going to try out his brother`s meat rub on the chicken. I hope I can eat it cause I bet it will be real good.

 I have a plan to make blood orange marmalade tomorrow. I have a huge bag of the oranges that cost me so I am going to do it. A friend wants a couple to give as a gift. No rush but I would like to do it this weekend and get it out of the way. I said I hated making marmalade because of the extra work but it tastes really good. I will do it just because. 
 It is snowing a little bit this afternoon. Supposed to snow more overnight but it is too warm here on the coast so it will be mostly rain. Glad I have no place to go tomorrow.
This post is going no where but to pot..hehehe I got nothing.

Hope you are having a nice Saturday and a great Sunday to come. I am gonna go relax for a bit.

Flowers for my garden

  The other day I went to the discount store called Ocean State Job Lot. It is a cool store where you can pick up this or that for not alot of money. I was drawn to the big Burpee seed display. Now before you start on me about Monsanto and the frankfood seeds they make..I know all about it. I do not know if they dip their toes into flowers but at this rate, I do not care. They were 40% off, they are this year`s seeds and I am gonna enjoy them. I hope.

This is Burpee`s annual Candy cane Zinnia (red on white) . Now I am thinking of digging up all the strawberries in the front right side area of the yard and plant them in their own raised bed. I want at least two beds in that area. To surround the beds, I would like some color and I think this zinnia and the next one will give a nice change.

This is Burpee`s annual Zinnia Envy. Look at that beautiful lime green. I love it. I need to vary the colors in my garden. I have alot of purple and yellow. I want something new and this should do the trick. These are only annuals so I will have to replant new seeds every year. Biannuals will grow for a few years and Perennials will grow every year but not all of them. I have had some that died after 5 years so plants and bulbs do have a shelf life. I am all self taught. So I may say some things that are not quite right but they have worked for me.

This is Burpee`s Tithonia Sundance annual variety. It is a daisy like flower that attracts birds and butterflies. I think I want this to be planted in a planter by the back door. I have plans for the back patio. It has been neglected all these years. I want a nice mid priced range patio set, a new grill, some containers with herbs, tall grasses for privacy, and some color. This is the year of Heidi`s patio!
All these seeds cannot be directly sown into the ground or soil until May. Even though I suck at seed starting indoors, I may start these in March/April in the house in big pots to get them started. Making sure to save some just in case I fuck them up. One thing I wont do is grow seeds indoors, if I can help it. I have tried to do it for 15 years and I cant. They always die. They never ever grow. Seeds indoors do not like me.

I am also going to have Fred get a friend to build me the raised beds that I want in my yard. I want three in the front and two on the side front. I know what I want and it will not be hard but I cannot do it and neither can Fred.
They will be good sized with pressure treated wood and I can control the weeds and the type of soil that I use. I did join the community garden this year. I did so because I do not know when my garden beds will be built. But they will be built this season and I will use them from now on.

So I have some positive plans in place for the growing season. I am not going to over do it but I am going to take care of some neglected spaces. I have a bunch of iris that I need to dig up and replant. Which I have never done. I planted them probably 10 years ago. I will read up so I do not fuck them up. I think I will pepper this with gardening stuff for awhile to keep my mind off all the bullshit.

Today is a nice cold 40 deg f in the sunny afternoon. I am still in my jammies. I need to get moving cause the big kid needs to go to work and I promised the little kid I would take her out for a light lunch.
Have a good day!

I just shake my head

 It is not my gallbladder. YAY!
I have to do a few things from now until March 11. I have to drink milk of magnesia to help with my poop shoot and it will help with the acid reflux. I have to have a bunch of blood work done tomorrow. I have to let him know if I get to feeling worse then I am now. And on the 11th I will have a double procedure of endoscopy and colonscopy. 
 There was mention of colon cancer.
 I am going to try really really hard to ignore it. Really hard!

The next few days I think I will blog about gardening or some shit because I cannot with this shit. NO!

Cheese is the work of the Devil

Picture has no correlation to the topic at hand. I was in no mood to search for anything so I used something I already saved. I like it..it stays!

  I feel like utter shit today. This started over the weekend but I really feel just awful today. Pain in back and front and nauseated. I went out yesterday with Fred to run errands and I had gotten sharp pains where the liver/gallbladder is. Did not last long and it wasn't excruciating but it didn't fucking tickle either.  I just bitch about it because I have gotten to the point that the pain is nagging. Before I could kind of ignore it but not anymore. I am tired of feeling this way and being nauseated on top of it, doesn't help. I still have things I have to do on a daily basis so I must soldier on, Mother fuckers!
  I see the Gastro tomorrow bright and early at 9am. I know that it is going to be awhile until this is all figured out. I know that once he sees me, he will suggest blood work and maybe ANOTHER scan of some sort. Then I have to wait for the results. I am going to tell him that I am sick as a dog and do not want to have to wait for months and months to get some relief.
Part of me knows this is my gallbladder...but what if it isnt? What if it is my liver or my pancreas and whatever is wrong is just been festering all this time? I know, fatalist..I need to stop.
I think I am just tired of being in constant pain.

So collectively wish me luck and hopefully I will get some type of answer tomorrow.

Happy Valentine`s Day 2013

 

I hope you are having a great day today whether or not that you have a sweetie to share this day with. I think it is all about the pretty flowers and the boxes of sin...Chocolate!!
 Yesterday I ate a burger and fries because I am a shithead and have not learned my lessons yet. I was in pain yesterday and pain today. Tonight we are taking Chelsea out to dinner for her birthday and I have to try to find something I can eat. We are going to Buffalo Wild Wings. She picked it. She loves their deep fried pickles. Going to be an interesting dinner.
 We have been running around today for her because she is leaving tomorrow for a 4 day trip to her friends house on the Cape. It is kind of her birthday present. She turns 24 yrs old tomorrow. I was a Mom of a 4 yr old and soon to be a Mom of another when I was her age. Times sure have changed.

  I got a card from my honey. We do not usually do anything for these days cause we show our love all year long. I know, makes you wanna gag. It is okay. I love it all the same.

So that is about it. Today has been on the warm side, we got a small amount of snow in the morning, and we are going out to dinner around 6pm. Hopefully it is not crazy busy. How many lovers want to go to a sports place to eat wings on Valentine`s day?
Hopefully not alot!.

Have a great day!

Long fingernails are a chore

 I am a habitual nail biter.
   I have been chewing on my nails since I do not remember when. Let`s just say all my life. I am a certain kind of biter though. I bite them straight across, not too short, and never the cuticles. I am not one of those *chewing the quick* kind of gals. That was my sister and that is gross. You bite till there aint no nail left..eeewww! Wait. Let me stop! I am judging another type of nail biter and you could be who I am judging..so I will stop. Equal opportunity nail biting. Except for those that can bite their toes. Ewwww!
   There was a point back in the 80s when the fake nails became all the rage. You went to the salon to get tips glued on and then the hard shit put on top and they took out the Dremel and made them all smooth. Toxic shit but they gave you long beautiful nails. This was before the Asian places that did the air brushing. You paid $20 for a full set. $10 for a fill. The nails would last about so long on me I couldn't resist the urge! I would start biting them off.  Hopeless case, I is.
 I realized after I stopped smoking that I did not bite my nails like I used to. I used to bite out of anxiety, boredom, and evenness of nails. Now I notice that I bite if I break one. Or I get fucking sick of them.  Who enjoys picking shit out of the nails all the time? I know I do not. Or you paint your nails and then they fucking chip. The only good thing about them is the ability to scratch yourself and your spouse.
 My nails are not long right now. They are good tapping on the table nails. I am surprised they have lasted this long. Four of them have chipped green polish and the rest are clean. I have a broken pinky nail and the others are shivering in fright. I am gonna get sick of these bastards and I will bite them all off one by one. I will put the nail file to them and see if that gives them another days reprieve.
 Spring will be here before you know it and I do not like to wear gloves when I dig. These suckers were goners before they knew it.

Maybe I will paint them red.

Foggy head---ache

  Today is a cluster for my head. I am not having a migraine but more of a weather headache. It comes and goes. Hopefully it will be gone when I wake up in the morning. After all that snow we had, today is decidedly different. The high right now is 42 deg F and it rained most of the day. Now it is just plain foggy. The snow is melting away. It wont all disappear anytime soon. We are expected to get another storm on Thursday and some more snow on the weekend. Oh Boy!
 The kid is gonna be mad at me if it is too nasty out to drive in it on Thursday when we go out to celebrate her birthday. She turns 24 yrs this week. She wants to go out to eat on Valentine`s day because she is leaving on her birthday (Friday) to hang out away for the weekend.

As for my gb update. Still in pain, not as much sometimes because I avoid foods that hurt me. I cannot or will not do that all the time. Choices are limited and sometimes i want to say Fuck You to the limits. I see the Gastro next week, thank goodness for that!

Tonight I am breaking the rules and making chicken egg rolls. They are fried. I will be careful and not eat too many. Chelsea made home made tomato soup so I will have some of that for dinner also.

This was a boring post..huh? I just thought I would fill ya in. I will think of something more interesting for next time.

26 inches for your pleasure

This is a before on the back patio of the Blizzard....

After....

Before...

After....

Officially 26 inches of the white stuff here in my small city. It took us yesterday and today to shovel out the front porch, walkway, steps, brush off both cars, dig them out, and clean up around them so that it was relatively neat. I also had to save the azalea out front because it was completely flopped over from the ice and snow. I shoveled a square for the dog out here in the patio.. Her runner is frozen to the ground in the pile.
 Fred, Natalie and I did a great job. Chelsea did not shovel BUT she saved the day by making dinner last night. Pancakes,eggs, and sausage. I consider that a contribution.

Gonna rain all day tomorrow and it is going to be a high of 45 deg F. That is a scary scenario. I am worried about basement flooding. I hope not. Jesus, I hope not.

It`s a BLEE-zard!!

 I am sitting here in my comfy clothes. Those consist of sweats, an old Old Navy t-shirt, and my favorite house only cardigan sweater. No constraining qualities at all in this ensemble at all. We are all set for the blizzard. It is weird to look out in the yard and see no snow on the ground. It melts away as soon as it gets here. This snow is going to stay for awhile.

I live near the border of CT and RI. Now this map is old already, I bet. It was saying that we on the coast would get 6-12 inches. Now they think it will be more 15-20 inches. If we get extra sleet/rain, then it will be 15..if not then we will get a buttload. I just looked and the watch has been upgraded to a warning. FUN FUN FUN!!

About 2 years ago, we had a really snowy winter. It just kept coming and then in February we got a bombogenesis. It is like the storm let off a bomb over your area. Worse than a blizzard. That was about a foot or more of snow. I think the rain and sleet will cut it down to about a foot or a foot and a half. Fred and I can handle it. We have special shovels. We discussed last night that we are going to help our neighbor across the street. He is almost 60 years old and lives with his wife, his 30ish daughter and son in law, and two teenage grands (girl and a boy). Not one of them helps him shovel or do any work around the house. This time it will be different. We are going to help because we feel it is just not right.

So Heidi is gonna protein up. I have some left over cold meat balls from early this week. They are mini in sauce. Gonna eat them up because I will need it for tomorrow and Saturday.
If you are in the path of the storm, please be safe. And throw a snowball!

Low carb it is!

 

  After my appointment with the surgeon last night, I decided I needed to be more proactive and stop being a big old crybaby about my food choices. They all know that I cannot control my blood sugars but I am the only one right now that can do something about that. Low carbs. I started today. I was tired of playing peek-a-fucking-boo with the glucose meter. I wanted to once not have to wonder and check every couple hours cause the sugars are off the damn charts. And I am not eating any more in fact much less and I just cant stop the madness.
 I had some 4 slices of turkey rolled up with a T of mayo on the plate for dipping. , green salad, and a pickle for lunch. I checked my blood sugar about an hour ago and it was 120. That is what I like to see.
  It is just going to be very hard. I do not know what to eat that is going to sustain me so that I do not murder people out of hunger.  Tonight I am making sesame chicken, string beans, and rice. I am not going to eat the rice. I am going to substitute for a salad. (no tomatoes).

  I have to admit that I am obsessing over what else it could be besides my gallbladder. Scary notions I tell you.
 Oh! I am all alone this afternoon. Everyone is off doing their own things. I am here with the cats and dogs. I started cleaning then I sat to take a break. I have been puttering around here getting stuff in order. I wish I had more days alone. I kind of like it.

Tummy Troubles

 I am sorry I have not posted sooner but I had a really suck ass kind of day. I woke up early this morning. No coffee, water, or meds. Got in the cold assed Jeep at made it to the hospital at 6:50am for my 7am HIDA scan on my gallbladder. I am not going to go into specifics because I am not in the mood. The first part of the scan, the pump nuclear isotopes into your iv, you lay flat under a big xray machine for an hour as they watch your liver, gallbladder, and small intestine light up like a Christmas tree. That part of my scan showed normal function of the gb. The next part of the test, the anesthesiologist came in and pumped me with this other drug that purposely makes the gb contract. They want to see your contraction ratio. That part of the test was awful. It hurt me in my gut, I felt like I was gonna puke, and I was forehead glistening. The pain lasted about 10 minutes and I had to lay there for another 20 minutes to finish the scan. That test was inconclusive. Isnt that just ducky? Meaning they cannot say it is or isnt my gallbladder.
 The surgeon says that he is not absolutely positive it is my gb. He wants to make sure it is not something else before he starts pulling body parts out of me. It could be another organ. I am thinking liver or pancreas (jesus christ). So he wants me to go to my gastro dr and they are going to figure out what it is. If it IS my gb then he will remove it. He was very nice and I know where he is coming from. How would you feel if they took your gallbladder and then when you get home and get settled..you realize it did not fix the problem? I would be pretty pissed off. Since I hate getting anesthesia and all..I am not jumping the gun.
 I feel like donkey shit. My stomach has hurt all day from the test. I just layed around and did nothing really.
 Oh here is the kicker! My appt with the gastro is in TWO WEEKS! Hahahahahaha
I get to wait a whole two weeks with this shit! Ahahahahahahaha

I had way too many Twizzlers that I will be paying for later but i needed something low fat to chew on. When I get pissed or I need to think, chewing helps as stupid as that sounds. Plus Twizzlers are just faboo.

Douchebag!

 

*You are a fucking douche. And a dildo for that matter.*  . Fucking asshat

I will leave those up.  I still feel this way about this person and I think I always will. But the rant is gone and I do not want to leave that nastiness up. Some of you know that I have done this before.
I get the rant out..let it air out in the breeze and then I delete it. I have been told once when I did this this, that of course I NEVER EVER do that and I was a liar.  That was a trouble making uppity bitch who said that so we will let her think she is right--------> over there, away from me.
Back to regularly scheduled programming.