I am in pain

*265*

This is day five of being in stomach pain and nausea. It seems that this, whatever it is, has progressed a bit. I used to be able to eat a large grinder with chips and feel mildly bloated and ashamed. Fred ordered me a small tuna grinder with cheese and tomato (no lettuce sniff sniff). I ate half and that was a struggle. The other half was nibbled on a bit, given to the dogs (the cheese and bread) and thrown away. I also ate half a cookie but we wont talk about that..LOL
My stomach is distended most of the time like someone blew up a balloon in there. I feel nauseous. I feel like I am gonna puke. Hours from now, when the food should be in my intestines, I will still be bloated and in mild to moderate pain. I am on high doses of acid reducers because my acid reflux is so bad, that I wake up choking on acid that is shooting out of my mouth. (pills are working) This is my life now. I am most definitely going to lose weight but I have to hope and pray that I do not waste away like many I have been talking to. I have figured out that I cannot eat raw veggies or beef. More foods will be added to my forbidden list. I am a fucking foodie for Christs sake! Now I cannot eat!
I had a lovely chef salad for dinner on Saturday night and I paid for that salad all day Sunday. I do not think I finally digested it until that evening.. Full of surprises.
I have my cat scan February 2nd early early way too early in the morning. Then I wait for results...again.....

  I have to tell you this way because I do not want to be the downer of the group or Facebook or my friends or my family. I have been sick for 10 years. I know what happens. When you get sick, you find out who your REAL friends are. Some slip away from you cause they are not strong enough to handle it. Fucked up, huh?

Do you ever wonder why I don't talk about it?
It hasnt mysteriously gone away.
Do you ever wonder why I am hardly around?
It is because I feel like shit but have to keep it to myself. That is hard to do sometimes.

 I know you really do not want to hear or read it. You want me to keep it to myself cause I will lower your mood. And that isnt good.
 So I am alone except for my family and a very few close friends. I have told others but the reception wasnt that great. I was told that I should write about it in my blog or in a document so that those that want to read it can. Meaning, shut up and do not bring that depressive bullshit here.

I am seriously not looking for sympathy or pity. Maybe a smidge of empathy would be nice. I am everybody's cheerleader. You need an ear, a shoulder, a dollar, or a pack of chicken..I am there for you. And no one will dispute that. I think I deserve a little bit of the same kindness that I have imparted onto you. Even just a small bit.

I want to warn you that if you tell me you think it is cool that I am going to lose a ton of weight, duck cause I am going to punch you in the fucking mouth. Do not ever say that to someone with a motility disorder. They did not ask for this. They cannot eat like a normal person ever again.
My shrink actually said she was very sorry to me. She is never like that.
So I know I am fucked.

Happy Birthday Fred!

*265*
Today is my honey`s birthday. He is 46 years old today. I cannot believe it. A whole 26 years has gone by that I have had him in my life. He is getting a therapeutic massage but I had to wait until Friday to get it for him. I could only afford 30 min and he likes the whole hour. So I will give him his gift certificate then. The cake is in the fridge from the Cake Lady. A nice marble with butter cream frosting. Yummy!
I have two full racks of ribs to season. I am going to get up soon and make potato salad and mac and cheese (the girls hate potato salad).
He gets a full day of being lazy. Now, usually I am a total slave but he knows I do not feel good so he isnt pushing it. I will do all the cooking but he is helping me out.
I love him.
I hope he gets his birthday wish this year.

Okay...gotta go for  now. I have things to do.

News from the Gastro

*266*

I thought I would share a nice video of Ruby romping through the snow for her very first time. Most of you have probably already seen it but that is okay. I like watching her carefree doggy life.

I got a call from the Gastro yesterday. He said that my Ultrasound was fine and so was all my blood work. I told him how I have been feeling since the last time I talked to him. He suggested Gastroparesis again. He wants me to have a Cat scan of my abdomen and then if that is okay, a stomach emptying study. Oh joy! I guess I am fucked. I am trying to be really positive but this shit is not cool. Some people get really thin because they cannot eat and they have to have a feeding tube. I do not want that! NEVER EVER! Please do not take this the wrong way or think you need to call anybody because I am just spouting off. But I would never want to live through that. I would rather not be here if my choice in life was feeding tubes, holes in my stomach, and multiple trips to the ER and hospital because of bezoars in my gut. No thank you.
Let us hope, if I have that, it is a milder version. Very mild. Like I lose some weight, lower my blood sugars, and cannot eat certain foods. That I can live with.
So yeah, I am not liking stuff right now.

On a more positive note. I am trying to decide if I should sign up for the community garden again this year or just build my own in the front yard. I was suggested by a friend (Thanks Liz)  that I could use cinder building blocks. They cost $1.35 each at Home Depot. I want at least three beds out front. Maybe two long and one short. I have to measure. My faulty figuring (off the cuff) was $200 total for three long beds. That doesn't even include cement (if I want to do it permanent) and soil. Granted, it will cost me way more then the $20 fee for my two beds at the garden. But there were issues with the water two years in a row, people steal your bounty, and i am using gas to get there. I could just have it out front , put up a temp fence in front of the beds to keep them safe, and I have all the water and sun that I need.
I think I am going to do it. I can buy a little bit of blocks every week and put them in the Jeep. Before you know it, I will have all I need.
Of course I will document it for here. Maybe one of you will decide to do the same thing.

okay, I am still in my jammies, I have no idea what is for dinner tonite, and I have some housework to do.

Blood, Budgets, and Busted computer

*267*

  I am in a rare mood today. It started off good and then went off the rails. The dogs fighting is driving me insane. The two squirts cant stand Ruby. They tell her so every chance they get. It is like a jackhammer in my ears. So if I start to get mean or depressive (which I will try hard not to be), you have fair warning.
 I had a couple things happen to me yesterday. First off, I realize that I do not have much of an appetite anymore. I am going to have to make a conscience effort to remember to eat. Because of not eating, I could have passed out in the grocery store yesterday. I have NEVER had a low blood sugar reaction come on me that fast. EVER. I have always had time to say, Rut Roh, better eat something. I was lucky I was in the check out, I bought the food, started to leave, opened my juice, a box of wafer cookies (that I had gotten for Natalie) and ate. I was with Chelsea which was a bonus. After about 10 minutes, I was better. I came home and had a proper lunch. That scared me. Never Ever has that happened. I would never let it get to that point but it was like I had no warning. My sugars have been hard to control and that is part of the reason I think I have that gastroparesis. I called the Gastro office to find out if my blood work results came in today but they are on a half day. No Dr in the office now. I have to wait until tomorrow.

   I am trying to find a nice free budget program that will help with calculating month to month my expenses and such. I dont want to do Mint or any of the others like it. I am not looking for them to poke into my bank accounts. I just want to work a budget. I did write out (on paper) all of our expenses and our income. If I did not stray from the budget, I would have money saved for Denver every month, all the bills paid, and have money left over to put in savings. I cant seem to keep my hands off the extra money. It is because of the girls. They seriously need to be sat down. Chelsea needs to contribute financially starting right away. She will complain that she is poor but I will counter that we are ALL poor, we are a family, and we have to stick together. If she wants a bill to pay instead, she can be responsible for the cable bill or a combo of bills that make up $100 or more. She makes very little a month so I want her to be able to save AND have pocket money, but this free ride bullshit has got to end. Natalie is going to school now and she is very motivated. I am scared that if I make her get a job too, she might tank. She is so much better then what she was but I do not want to freak her out. But she needs to work if she wants money. I cant keep giving her cash. I cant keep giving Raymond gas money. I do it because he helps with taking her to school. But if she had a job, she would give it to him instead.
 What do I have to do to be able to save money? Please do not tell me to become a couponer. I will never do it. I will spend an hour clipping coupons and such and then I will lose interest. I never could. I am talking about fluid money. If i buy groceries, and fill the Jeeps tank..I will have $40 a week for myself as pocket money. I do not want to use this for take out. I have been trying to eliminate take out all together but these girls are making it very hard.
Help me grow some balls!
 After all the work that was done on this computer, the internet is acting iffy. Come to find out after alot of research on Chelsea` s part, it has to do with Windows 7. They have never made a patch to fix it. So I have a computer with an operating system that dislikes the internet. I sent an email to the tech that worked on it (and it goes to his supervisor). I am really quite tired of the fact that this brand new computer has so many issues. Chelsea says that if we have XP, it will be fine and dandy. Essentially, if they let me mail them the computer, and they send me one with XP on it, even fucking better! But we know that will not happen. I do not blame the tech. So far, he has done a great job. Crossing fingers that we get some great results this time with this problem.

There..there..that wasnt too bitchy, now was it. I still feel like shit though. I accomplished a small amount of tasks today. I was supposed to wash the dogs..nope. I hope it is still warm tomorrow cause it really isnt going to happen today. I do not even want to cook.

It`s a melting Monday

*267*
 OMFG!!

I accidentally deleted an entire page of writing! I am pissed! 

  I am not going to the gym today like I said (sorry Bima) because my period is just way too heavy. I will stick close to home and clean. The downstairs is already smelling good with orange cleaner. Mmm! All the heaters are off because it is close to 50 deg F outside. All is melting away.

  I have decided it is time for some inexpensive redecorating. I have a foot stool that needs a new cover. I need new shades in the living room. They are dark brown bamboo Pier 1 shades (back when I could afford them) and Ruby chewed the string on one of them so it does not work. Gives me an excuse to replace. I need two new lamps in there also since one was broken when we had the outlet overheat. I have an old table in there that I never finished painting. I think I want to redo that in a different color. I was painting it black. I also want to a new/used love seat or two chairs to replace to nasty love seat we have in there. And I want to paint the walls. They are chocolate brown with white trim. I loved it but it has been up since 1998. Time for a change.
 My dream would be to have new flooring but I cant now. I have to save for my trip to Denver and to replace the Mac. I am going to save as much money as I can every single month. I wish we had more. Or the economy was better.
Oh well. Cant have all your wishes come true.

So if anybody has some nice comfy side chairs or a decent love seat that they want to get rid of, you can chuck them over here. They will be loved!

White Sunday

Audrey on the slopes

*267*

I woke up at 6am for no real reason. I have sauce cooking on the stove for Fred and his friend to eat while they watch football today. We got about 8 inches of snow yesterday. I shoveled out the whole front area of the house for parking...by myself. Fred has this notion that now he is turning 46 (next week) that he does not have to shovel anymore. Since I am younger, it is my job. Fucking A. 
 I am in a funky mood today. The house is it`s usually cluttered fucked up mess and no help, as usual. I want to just crawl in bed and watch Netflix  all day.
My period is coming. Just ignore my insolent ass. I have noticed as I have been getting into my 40s that I have become more hormonal. I dont like it! Usually I want some chocolate and the next day I get my period. No screaming. No crying. No depressive moods. Now I am swinging in the wind over here. I am pissed that there is dust under the tv.
Let me clarify something for you all. When I say my house is messing and cluttered..I am talking about dust, animal fur, bits of paper, cups and plates left out, drips and drops left on tables, overflowing waste baskets, stank towels on the floor, christmas tree still sitting in the middle of the diningroom floor...that is what I am talking about. It is not like you are going to walk into a Hoarders situation. You will smell dog pee and for that I am sorry.  I  also have sub floors on the ground floor which embarrasses me to NO END! We never have the money to have proper floors put in. I do not want carpet!! With animals and carpet..you get an over abundance of fleas. |
So there you go.
I just spit out a hodge podge of bullshit on this page. Patooey!

I am thinking (unless my period comes tomorrow) I want to go to the gym. It has been quite awhile and I think it is safe to assume all the resolutionares are gone. It has been upgraded and it is bigger. I have not even seen that yet.
So crossing fingers I do not get my MaryMary tomorrow.

Now back to dusting under the tv.

Ruby the Beast

Ruby kept me company when I had the flu

*266*<---It keeps fluctuating but it stays around here. No gain back is good!

As you can plainly see, she has gotten much bigger. The last time Raymond weighed her she was 25 lbs (two weeks ago) and I bet she is even bigger now. She has started (and I have stopped) putting her paws up on the kitchen counter so she can see what there is up there. That is a big dog if you ask me. She also destroyed the heating pad, multiple pairs of socks, my most favorite bed quilt, and countless other things. That is why she is a beast. But she is learning. She knows her name. She knows Natalie`s name too. She just wants to be loved and if that means she comes barreling at you like a train and leaps on you without stopping first, then so be it!

Sarcasm

*267*

Sarcasm has always been my schtick for as long as I have been on this Earth. This is who I have always been. Sometime I use is as a shield when I am uncertain about situations but mostly it is just who I am as a person. It has come to my attention that some people think that sarcastic people will eventually become lonely because everyone will leave their smart ass.

Is this true? Should I change who I am deep down as a person because some people just cant take it?

 My sarcasm never borders on malicious. I could and can be super mean if I put my mind to it. Fred says it something that comes naturally to me. I can cut a bitch right quick and not have to think very hard about it. I have put that part of me away though because I have kids. I never wanted them to hear those types of words come out of my mouth and sent in their direction. I was told by a couple therapists and a shrink that my life growing up was pretty bad and I am very lucky that I am the way that I am.

 I am a nice person. I never let anyone go hungry. I will help you to the point that I do not endanger myself or my family`s well being. I am sweet.  But I can also be cutting. I can be very mean spirited and laugh while doing it. I love to be sarcastic. My whole family was that way growing up. If you could dish it out, you had to take it. The good with the bad.

 You can be honest. Am I supposed to change one integral part of who I am as a person, part of my core personality, because some people cannot take it?

SNOW!

This is what my baby looks like

*268*
No one realized that it might actually snow on the shoreline because it was so warm. Wrong! We got about two inches, then it made everything nice and icy this morning. I had to be at the hospital for 8am so I was up early this morning. Icy cement steps needed salt. The street looked good. It had been plowed so I thought nothing of it. We had two new front tires on the Jeep. Hmmm. I applied brakes, started to slide, and fish tailed a bit till I righted myself. This bitch needs four new tires. Front AND back. I am leary of the four wheel drive. I know you are only supposed to use it in wet/snowy weather. I have never used it before and I do not want to break my baby. Or fuck something up. Or crash into somebody. If any of you are really familiar with four wheel drive, soothe my soul.

  I had my ultrasound and it was not bad at all. I did not think it was going to be. It would have been if I went last week. I probably would have puked. She was checking my liver, pancreas, kidneys, gallbladder, and spleen. Those films will be read and the results will be sent to the Gastro. I am assuming I will have to wait a week to get any word back about them also. *smirk* Then I went and had the blood work done that he wanted. Eight Vials of blood! One vein on left arm said No. So She had to poke the other arm.
 I did some banking, paid the cable bill, and I am home drinking my coffee. I am now in save money mode. It took a couple weeks of me not doing what I am supposed to do but I am getting  there. Why go to Dunkin Donuts when you have 6 containers of coffee in your cabinet (from can can sale) and you are on your way home anyway? I saved $4. Because I would have had to get one for Fred. Now I am deciding what to make for dinner and I want to de-clutter something. I just do not know what. Maybe this cabinet behind me full of miniature stuff and Chelsea`s art crap. I am going to have to wait till she leaves though. She will protest if I toss anything. Pics she has done, those I will not toss. But stuff that is definitely garbage, that will go.
  Clutter makes me a little nuts. And I have people in this house that do not give a shit about it. Once I clean it up, it will get cluttered up again, just you wait.

So that is it for today. Another test down, who knows what is in my future.

I don`t care

*267*

Today was a good eating day. No pain what so ever. So I took full advantage. Chelsea made lentil soup. I had a cup with crackers. I ordered pizza from Pizza hut. $10 pizza special. I had 3 pieces. And now I am eating Oreo cookies.

I do not care!

I have not been able to eat well without pain for a couple months so I have been eating small things.  Today I did eat a little big but the Oreos are the ending to a very lazy day. I will be back into rare form tomorrow. Believe me. And these damn Oreos may do me in later.

But I don't care!


Damn, did you know that one Oreo cookie is like 50 calories? Now how many do you eat at a time? I always grab about 5-6. That is 300 freaking calories!
But oh so good.
hehe

Out Out damn stomach contents!

*263*

Monday morning I woke up at 6am with stomach pain and nausea. I woke up before the alarm so the sickness woke me up. I wont go into major details but there is a reason the sink is next to the toilet. I spent the rest of that day and night in nausea hell. It was the stomach flu that is going around. Tuesday I was better but I canceled my ultrasound. I did not think it would be good to have someone pressing on my belly after all of that. Today I am finally *better*. My stomach is still fucked up but I am not queasy and feeling like major shit. I learned a couple things. Fred loves me and makes majorly good chicken noodle soup, from scratch (he stayed home from work to take care of me). Natalie loves me and she will lay in bed with you when your sick and pat your head. Raymond loves me and he went out into the night and bought me popscicles. And Chelsea loves me. She made me lemonade icee. She gave it to me at just the time that I really needed it. They all appreciate me. I may bitch but when the chips are down and Mom is moaning from bloat..they are there to make the day go by easier.

My ultrasound is rescheduled for next tuesday. I am drinking lots of water right now to plump up my veins for bloodwork tomorrow. Yeah. Lots of vials of blood. I owe the hospital a ton of money by now. I think Fred needs to go and tell them that I will pay them $5 a month. That is all I can afford. They will love that but that is what the union guy said to do.
I hope none of you get it. IT WAS AWFUL!

Birthday Cake Hangover

Audrey makes me smile

*267*

  I had a great day yesterday. It started off with me having a shitty day on Thursday. There was a fight with a group of friends, Lu had fallen down the stairs, and I got not so great news from the Dr. The good news is that I do not have any cancers that he could see. Everything looked good. No ulcers either. He said that I have a bit of irritation in my esophagus but it is normal range. So what the hell is wrong with me? He thinks I have a Stomach emptying disorder. One is called Gastroparesis and it can come from Diabetes. It kinda fits a bit. I am not happy about it at all. I am freaked out actually. He wants me to have an ultrasound, which is scheduled for this coming Tuesday really early in the morning. And they are mailing out bloodwork stuff for me to do. Then I will have to have an Upper GI series. I really do not know what that entails, but I will find out.
So as you can imagine, I was crying my eyes out by the time evening rushed around and the friend fight was going on. Oh, PLUS! Fuck! Natalie and I went to get my nose ring put back in. She lied to me. She told me it hardly hurts. Niki had to put a taper in to WIDEN to opening up to get the new earring in. FUCK! It felt just as bad as the first time.
 So yesterday was a really good day. We woke up and realized the Lu was fine. She did not break any bones and I think she was just screaming cause A. she bruised herself and B. she is a little drama queen. She went to the vet to get groomed and she looks wonderful with her dark purple tail feather. Then I went and got my hair did. Couple inches off the back, tapered in the front and bangs shaped up. I got a wash, dry and style and I was off and running. I got hit on by some young dude in the Dunkin Donuts drive thru. My ass did not realize it until I was driving away. I would have given his ass a bigger tip! LOL
 Fred and I went out to dinner, went and lost money at Foxwoods, and had birthday cake with the kids. It was a nice day all around.
Now I have a mountain of dishes in the kitchen. MOUNTAIN! There is all sorts of picking up to do and I did NOT grocery shop yesterday. So that is on tap in a bit. After I finish up here, I am going to slap on my....oh yeah!

Until January 11 at Lane Bryant, it is their Semi Annual Bra sale. Buy 2 get 2 free. Chelsea and I went and bought some. Even for Natalie too. So new bras for my birthday too? Cant get better then that!

That is all. Thank you all for your wonderful birthday wishes. I have never gotten that many Happy Birthdays EVER. Over 100. I felt like a real Queen yesterday. And I felt loved by all.
Okay..now my ass needs to get dressed and face the hoardes at Shoprite`s Can Can sale.

My Birthday is tomorrow!

*267*

  I figured I would post today because tomorrow is going to be busy and I will not have the time. Tomorrow I turn 43 years old. ahhhh..bullshit. Oh, it is okay. This change in age does not bother me one bit. When i turned 30, I was a mess. When I turned 40, I was a bit upset but not as bad as when I turned 30. I have a fear of getting older.

Having a birthday exactly 2 weeks to the day after Christmas kind of sucks. My birthday is the 12th day of Christmas, Epiphany, Little Christmas, or Three Kings Day. This is when people usuallly take their Christmas trees down and some cultures celebrate the day the three kings brought their gifts to the Baby Jesus. I get cake! Big bakery style birthday cake. With flowers! Love it!

We do not do a ton for our birthdays anymore cause we are older and know that presents really do not matter as much as being together. I have some errands since it is Friday and Lu has a groomer appointment. We are going out for steak dinner (just Fred and I), and off to Foxwoods for a smidge of gambling and people watching. Gotta love it!

So I am here to say Happy 43rd Birthday to me!

Drudgery

*267*
It has come to my attention that because of their other duties outside of the home, I will be on my own when it comes to all aspects of this house.
That is a way to lose weight, huh?
Laundry is just the tip of the iceberg I guess. Everything that used to get done as a help to me, has not been done in awhile.

Hadn't I noticed?

Well, Yes. Yes I did. But I figured you would get to the dust bunnies and cobwebs when you thought about it.
Guess not now.

I have come full circle, my friends. I am sicker then I have ever been AND I have more things that I have to do. Isn't the economy grand?

Now, he is not the mean bitchy husband that comes home and asks *what have you done all day?* He knows that there will be days when I did nothing but dusted this chair I am sitting in. He is perplexed as to why I have been falling asleep before he gets home and when he is home, I can barely keep my eyes open past 9pm. Unless I took a four hour nap in the afternoon.
But then there are days I cannot take a nap because one adult child needs a ride to and fro.
It is cause of all the fucking work I have to do. Housework is bullshit. And when you have animals and other residents that do not give a fuck about you..it is even worse.
 And you see, I am a bad mother. It is my fault that I did not force them to do chores when they were little. It is my fault that they do not know how to clean now. That is their diatribe. Did I teach them that it is cool to leave empty cans all over the place..every single night? I do not think that was in the Dr. Spock book.

This is me bitching and it is not PMS. This is me coming to the realization that I have to really do everything. He is working two jobs and he feels he shouldn't even have to help with even reaching for stuff. I should figure it out.

So I am a little bitch tired, sore, bitchy and depressed. Wait till the snow comes! That is gonna be my job too.
Yay!

Laundry SUCKS!

*267*
I have been doing laundry this morning. I have a load in the wash, one in the dryer and another on the couch to be folded. This is not good. I do not DO laundry, you see. Now before you blow up my comments about how you have to do laundry and I need to shut my trap, read on.
   Laundry and ironing is one of the only chores that I designated for Fred way back in the olden days. And he has been doing it faithfully with plenty of complaint but I complain too so that is normal. I went down to get the boxes for the ornaments yesterday cause I planned (and accomplished) to put all the Christmas crap away. What do my wandering eyes do appear? A big stinking pile of laundry. BIG! Bigger then I have ever seen before. He has not been really doing the laundry. He has been doing enough to appease me. He has done towels, scraps of underwear, and some clothes. The girls do their own. So what is this mountain! I think it is a combination of getting older and I do not know. Maybe it is his dizziness. Maybe it is his bit of weight gain and no exercise. I told him that he has to go to the gym starting this month. No more excuses. Even if he goes for just a bit at a time.

 So here I am with the WHOLE house to clean. Nobody helps me. They do not even offer to. And when they are asked, it is a big stink about it all. So I am not going down that road right now.

Recently I get a snarky remark from someone that said they clean their house every day and doesnt have to do seasonal cleaning, like I do. Basically telling me that I must be a dirty slob.
No Bitch! I am not a slob. I have multiple auto immune diseases, a back that I do not want to have surgery on again, and now stomach issues. I am flying with one wing basically. So get off your fucking housework high horse and maybe give me some fucking tips. Instead of being a snotty insolent bitch that I know you can be.

Wow! That came out of some place, huh? If your house is filthy and you do not work a job outside of home AND you are able bodied, then I would have something to say to you..unless you had like quads..then that is a different story. But you know someone has issues and you like to point it out? Hmm. Do not cross my ass.

Okay, off to clean. Dammit! Oh, I have heard nothing from the Gastro yet. Hoping soon.

Ah! January!

*267*

  January is my favorite month of the year. I get to celebrate my birthday on the 6th but when I was younger, we celebrated my Dad`s birthday on the 5th. We always had two cakes! There was no sharing. He made sure of it. He was brought up in the Depression and at Christmas time, his Mom would hold back a couple of his gifts so she would give them to him on his birthday. I understand why she did it, but he should have never had known it. So when I came along, he said that we were two different people and even though our birthdays are one after the other, we both deserve to be sung to alone AND have our own cake!  I have made sure that people in my life get a cake if they would not normally get one. Everyone deserves to get sung too and blow out some candles. Period!

   Then we celebrate our wedding anniversary on the 9th. We have been married 19 years this year. We have been in each others face since 1986, which is 26 years. Loving every moment of it. We do not really do anything on our wedding anniversary. No cards. No gifts. We do not even say Happy Anniversary! I lost Fred`s wedding ring and mine does not fit my fat finger anymore. Sometimes I think we should get a tattoo on the tops of our fingers that looks like a wedding ring. I wonder if he would go for that? That could be something we do for our 20th wedding anniversary.
 Then Fred`s birthday is on the 28th...the 29th? the 28th? I do not remember. Natalie and Fred have 28th and 29th as their birthdays and I can never keep them straight. They think I do not love them but it is just my faulty brain. I can remember obscure trivia but not when your birthday is. LOL

On my birthday, Fred and I have cake with the girls (cake lady),  go out to dinner and go to Foxwoods..unless it snows. Then we stay close to home but still go out to eat.  Then on his birthday we have cake (cake lady), I make whatever he wants for dinner, and we exchange small gifts. So all month long we celebrate. It is like January is OUR month. When we met, I was a 17 yr old that was failing all her classes her Junior year of high school. I was dealing with the death of my father and having to live with my Mother (dad was a buffer) and my awful sister and her husband. Fred was a 20 yr old, living in the projects with his large family, having days at the end of the month when there was no food, and working jobs that were not helping him get out of his situation. We were perfect for each other. We both rose the other person up and we are what we are. Chunky older people in love. This year I will be 43 and he will be 46.
Damn. We are old! Like getting close to AARP old. That is not cool. I want to go back when we were young.

I can keep on dreaming, I guess.

I am sad

*267*

First day of the new year sucks royal fucking dirty ass! I found out today that Natalie`s friend Raymond is going to move to Virginia to live with his Mom. Sometime this month. This is the boy that has been spending immense amounts of time in my home for the better of 4 years (or more). I am really sad and I already cried a bit about it. He is like my kid and he is leaving. I know that someday I will see him again. I fear that it will not be the same. What if he changes and does not love us anymore?
I fear for my Natalie. Raymond is her PB to her Jelly. What is she going to do without him? I do not want to even think of what she might do to herself if she falls into a deep depression over this. I am hoping that she has already grown enough that this will not happen.

 On a positive note, I did get 4 of Ruby`s nails cut. That is all she would allow and I put all the Christmas crap away. It is blocking the entrance to the basement. So someone will HAVE to help me carry it all down tomorrow. I carried it all up.
It seems I have been having more and more to do lately. I am not really liking it.
  So that is all....