*266*
I have had some time to think and reflect this past weekend. The death of Fred`s friend has hit me on so many levels. He was his friend for decades. He was the exact same age as Fred. His death was expected for a long time but it is still sad when it happens. I am not going to the funeral. It had to be put in a larger venue because of so many people that want to attend. I am not saying my friendship with him was not worthy but I think my seat can be for someone who knew him longer. It is this Thursday in the morning.
His death gave me a lot to think about. This is my life and I need to do it to the best that I am capable. I have catered to others all my life. My children, my family, and my friends. I love you all. I just want to start thinking about Fred and I for a change. That may sound selfish but I do not care. Our lives together could last another 30 years or it could end in a blink of an eye. I do not want to chance missing a moment of it.
I am also going to do and say what I want like I used to. I am not going to allow another person or people, who are not my Mother, tell me what I am allowed to say or when I can say it. I am tired of holding my tongue. I am just as important as anyone else and no one is the boss of me. Pick on somebody else for a change because I am fucking tired of it.
I am just sad about the whole death. I never got the chance to shake his hand and meet him in person. That has solidified my whole push to get to Denver this Fall. I have had lack of money as many people have. I have not been able to save anything for the trip because of oil and electricity to heat the house. Thank goodness we had a mild winter.
Part of me does not want to spend the money to go because that is a selfish thing to do when there is so much that needs to be done around here. But part of me needs to go. I have be there to shake my friends hand. I do not want to have another missed opportunity.
It must happen.
