I am a chicken.

*240*

   Kinda Sorta.
    I cancelled the spinal tap for this Friday. I have some shit going and I decided I needed another month to straighten it out. I will have it done early October instead. Who wants to get their naked spine poked by a stranger in this heat? Blech! So my chauffeur and I are going to go consignment shopping instead. Oh yeah. Retail therapy is what this chic needs. That and some diner breakfast.  All serious though. I am going to have it done but something came up that I have to do that following Saturday. It is all good.
  
Bok Bok Bok.

   Mondays always start out with so much promise. I start getting things done, run a couple errands, plan dinner (burgers on the grill) and by 3pm I start to peter out. It is bullshit. I still have stuff on my list.
 As most of you know I am the Queen of my castle aka I do practically everything. This usually happens while three other adults sit around on their free time watching Hulu and YouTube. I do get help. I wont say they are completely lazy. But I am seriously getting sick of it. I cannot afford a maid and going on strike doesn't work (food mold grows in 2 days). I just trudge along while I wait for the cleaning fairies to do me a solid. Clean my house. Fairies!

  Health wise is a toss up today. My head feels okay but my body feels like shit. I can trudge through the body pains. I am a old pro at that. To me, this s a good-ish day.  Kid #2 and I went to the Book Barn. I found a copy of the big book Fibromyalgia Advocate (purple cover) for $4. I do not know where my copy went so I bought another. Kid #2 is devouring it now. She might be dealing with multiple diagnosis like I have and I want her to be informed. I also bought a book of 1000 tattoos and a Tony Bourdain book. I have some stuff to read. That always makes the day better.

My ass needs to get off this lappy. I have to season the burgers and let them sit for a bit in the fridge. The man will be home before I know it.

Today was okay for me. I can take a 1000 more of these in a row please.

Here we go again

*246*

  I woke up with a headache and some other stuff  that I will explain. It is a slow going morning for me. Please excuse any typos I miss. Let`s see. Where to begin?

   I went to my GP for my three month diabetes check up. I told him what was going on with my head. Long story short, he poo pooed me and sent me on my way. I had a appointment with my neuro to review my MRI but that never happened. They had to cancel the whole days appointment cause the computers were down. They would call me back to reschedule. They never called. So I called my GP asking if he would find me a referral like he offered.  It took him a couple days but his assistant called to say he found somebody. He was sending me to a headache and pain clinic an hour away. I was a bit livid. I tell you I think I need to see a neuro but you send me to a migraine doctor. I grabbed the phone and decided I was going to take the bull by the horns. I called my ear surgeon`s office in new haven. I lied to get a appointment. Unless you say that your appointment has to do with ears, they wont give you a appointment. So I said it was my Meneire`s disease. I got right in two days later.  I am so glad I did that!

  I told him what was going on. How the pain progressed. Then I just spit it out about the leak. I waited for him to poo poo me too. He didnt. He looked at my MRI and said my left mastoid is full of fluid. My left nostril is inflamed a bit from the drip of CSF (Cerebral Spinal Fluid). I have no infections in my ears so he knows it is CSF. Just like before, he said. I have to have surgery right away. He is worried I will get meningitis. He said that he has written two articles for medical journals and that Yale is doing a research study right now about what is going on with me. I have a csf leak of the temporal bone. He will start with a mastoid (behind the ear) approach but he could have to go to the front by my temple. Hope not!

  We have to find out why I keep springing a leak. I had a leak on my right side. And now on my left. He also suspects that they will have to go up into my nose to see if I cracked my sinus cavity also. They will be able to patch all this at the same time.  I go back to Yale this Tuesday to have a Cat Scan done. Then we will meet at his office after to review and to schedule surgery. See, he is a ear dr. But he is also a super hero in skull base surgery, Dr John Kveton.  He feels that I have what I figured out a month ago, Intracranial Hypertension. I told him about all the problems with the different neuros in our area. He did say that the Headache/Pain clinic is a very good one and they could help. He said that I have to have a spinal tap sooner rather then later (YUCK!) because once he seals me up, the pressure in my head will build to the point that I will just spring another leak. He is going to hook me up with a neuro at Yale.

  I actually shook his hand. He understood. To be THIS sick and have Doctors tell you it is just a headache. You have a sinus infection. Take this pill, it will go away. Someone listened to me. He believed me. He said all the things that were wrong with me were right. I let him speak because I wanted to hear what he thought. He said everything I concluded myself. We celebrated with pizza before we drove home. Only sick people that get a correct diagnosis would understand the celebration.
    I dont really blame my GP. He is a endocrinologist and he stopped me at one point and said it was above his pay grade. LOL I am glad he didnt just dismiss me outright. Wait till I have to go in for a physical before the surgery. I bet he will be shocked he was so wrong. But I still really like him as a Dr.


So today sucks because I am leaky. It is probably the weather. I have been eating low sodium (1000-1500mg) since before Easter. That means I gave up soda also. There is a long list of no foods that I avoid because they make the pressure in my head worse. Once I see a neuro, they will get me on some meds to control it. Between meds, tight sodium control, and weight loss...i should be good. There is a possiblity that I may have to have a shunt in the future but I want to avoid that at all costs. I am not too keen on gastric bypass surgery (as many of you know) but if I have to do it, I will. This will not kill me in itself. But I could go blind in one or both eyes. I could have complications from thee shunts. I could get more leaks. I have to be more proactive then ever before.

 I have some errands to do today. Even though I feel like crap, the show must go on. I will keep you all informed.

Life is a trip

*250*

  I am here. Just many things have been going on. Right now today I am dealing with having a brain MRI tonight. We are checking to see if I have a cerebral spinal fluid leak. Yup. We are back at that again. Three years ago I was at this same point. But it turned out to be my mastoid. This time it might actually be a leak from my sinus. I am taking a pill called Topomax for my head and neck pain. This is day four. It makes me feel loopy. That and feeling like garbage cause of my head and you can bet my ass spends alot of time in bed.
 I did try to be normal today. I raked some poopy leaves from under the bushes while the dogs were out. I am washing some clothes. I put all the scarves away for the season. I cleaned the livingroom, including dusting and vacuuming. We had the windows open too. Feels good.
It will be snowing later but I digress.
  This has what has been going on. I am a downer cause my life is suckage right now. I know that will change. Everything does. You will see my weight steadily drop as I post. That is if I continue to take this pill. My appetite is nil. Today I had a cup of coffee and a forced banana. It is 1pm. Everything tastes gross so there is no point. It is a plus for a diabetic.
eh. whatever.
I have been called out as a downer because I am not POSITIVE lately!  Maybe that is why I dont post. What is the point. I should just take a picture. Post it. Voila. There can only be positive from that.
Happy Easter to all of you that celebrate!

One

I used to love dates and figs on Thanksgiving

Updated!

I do not know what time tomorrow I have to go in for my surgery. I will find this out this afternoon at 3pm. Wish me all the luck and cross your fingers and pray for the best outcome. I have to go and pay the cable bill and take Natalie to school this morning.
 My nose is dripping but these are the only things I am gonna do today, hopefully. I may be pushed into making dinner but I am hoping not to. We shall see.

I called up to find out what time I had to be in because it was driving me insane and I had to KNOW. You know when you get like that. Something as simple as waiting for the time of my surgery had to be known NOW. I called and got a nice woman who obliged the crazy lady on the other end. My surgery is at 12:30pm tomorrow afternoon. I have to be at Yale by 11am. We will leave a few before 10am. That gives me time to get gas, get scripts at the pharmacy, and reboost our cell phones. I was worried I was going to have to do some of that shit around 5am but nope, I have time. The only suckage is having to go all that time with no coffee, no water, and nothing to eat! That is going to royally suck. 
 I have spaghetti sauce with sweet italian sausage and meatballs in the crockpot cooking. Spaghetti for dinner! Woot!
 Now I am going to go, drink my pepsi, play my games and try to forget about tomorrow.

I completely forgot!

That looks good!

I am sorry to those that have been waiting to hear what happened at my appointment. I thought I had told everyone and last night I realized that I had not posted on here.

  I went to see my ENT on Friday to find out what was going to go on with my surgery. I had so many questions. He is not going to do the Middle fossa approach that I thought (shaving head, titanium plates). He is going in through the right mastoid. That is the bony portion in the back of your ear near your lobe. He will cut an incision down the length of the back of my ear and do microscopic like surgery to seal up the defects in the mastoid area. He did say that if he finds I have more extensive defects or later on after I have healed and I am still leaking..I will have to have the scarier approach. He has great success with the mastoid way of doing it and I am glad. I will have to stay over one night because they have to make sure my brain has not swelled. They are going to give me a private room so that Fred can stay with me in the room. Yay!
 I do not know what time my surgery is on Wednesday yet. They will call me tomorrow afternoon and give me a recording of the time. My Dr likes to do his surgeries in the morning, so I see us getting up uber early for this.
    But this is great news! Instead of recouping for a month, I will be better in a week! Now, I have to remember that I could wake up with half my hair gone and a plate in my head. It is all in what he finds when he goes in there. That would require me to stay in the hospital for a few days instead of one. So let`s hope that I have extremely good luck and that the easiest surgery is the one for me. If you do not hear from me in more than a couple days, assume that I had the ickier surgery.

  This surgery couldnt have come at a better time though. I usually will leak fluid every other day and only a drip or two out of my nose. Mostly coming out of the back of my throat. Well, I went grocery shopping on Saturday. I did not over do anything. I did like I always do. I picked up a few things, got my free ham, also picked up supplies for dinner that night. I went to two grocery stores but the amount of food I bought was like one trip to the store. Minimal. After I left the Spanish grocery, I noticed my nose was dripping. It is not cold out and I do not have any sinus issues, so I knew it was the CSF. It did not stop though. It just kept dripping. It stopped once I got home but I had to get dinner in the crock pot cause Natalie`s beau was coming to visit overnight. I could feel the fluid dripping down my throat. When I finally relaxed in my room, I was still dripping. Now, it wasn't like I needed to go to the ER or anything but it freaked me out. That is the most that has ever happened to me in one day.
I wake up on Sunday. Same thing. So I am on a self imposed bed rest sort of. Right now I am making lists for Fred and Natalie and writing to you all while I get my coffee on. Tonight will be a simple dinner of breakfast. Waffles, bacon, potatoes, and eggs. I will have help cooking this.
  So basically this surgery has come at the right time. I am leaking like a damn sieve and it scares me. I hope that this fixes it and I do not have anymore troubles with this. I will have to be vigilant in letting him know if I have any leaks coming out of my nose, ear, or down my throat. I always end up with the rarest version of shit and it is always the scariest. WTF!
  I could be up and feeling better in a few days after surgery. I will not do any lifting like to put stuff in the oven. Fred will be cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
Oh! Did I tell you my microwave shit the bed? Yup, now I have to get a new one. SMH. I might just give Fred the money and have him find a new one.
 I think that is about it. I cannot think of anything else to add. Hmmm. I have my surgery on Wednesday and come home on Thursday. I might post something short on Friday if I am not drugged to the maximum.
Wish me luck!

Hair

I am posting a before picture of my hair before it gets cut for the surgery. I got a call today from the ENT office today. They wanted to tell me that having the surgery at Yale was going to be a big out of pocket expense for me because it was out of network. I already knew that but I thought my medicare would make a difference with my insurance. I guess it did not. She said when it is all said and done, I could end up owing $2500! $1000 more than they said before! She was acting stupid when I said I wanted to make payment arrangements. I cant be bothered by this right now. I am supposed to go tomorrow to find out if I can have the surgery and now all I think about it that I will eventually owe them like $5000 when I get both sides done. That is another fucking car payment! We do not have that!  Ugh! I hate corporate shit. I cant think about it. When I stress out, the pressure in my head gets worse.

Okay, I promised a picture. Go ahead and laugh. I dont really give a fuck. I dislike that it is a bathroom photo but what you gonna do. That is how long it is in the front and it hits the small of my back from behind. I need a trim! I guess that will happen after the surgery. If I can afford it.

Early First Snow

It snowed yesterday.  Here on the coast it only stuck to the grass and cars. It was pretty and nice to see for the first time. I never hate on a first snow. Some parts of the state (upper half) got wholloped. Like more than a foot of snow in some places. That has got to truly suck for the first snow. I am hoping that this winter was like last winter. Nice and global warming like. I know that is a sick thing to say but a mild winter costs less for us. It is going to be in the 60s this weekend and back to the 50s next week. Perfect weather.  Just cold enough for a light jacket.
     I have my surgery on my head in six days from today. My question appointment and my pre-op appointments are tomorrow morning.  I am nervous. I have many things to do to keep my mind occupied though. I have three more windows to cover today and then I am done. I have all my questions written down, my paperwork in my purse, and anything else I can think of. I am going to drink plenty of water today so that they do not have an issue with getting blood. I wish that I did not have these stupid leaks. I really wish this was just a big nightmare that I am going to wake up from at any moment. Onward and Upward is all I can say!
    Tomorrow I have to pick up my freebie at the grocery store. If you spend $400 in a specific time allotted, you get to choose a bunch of things. Up to a 21 lb frozen whole turkey, 10lb average hotel turkey breast, or a big assed ham on the bone. There are other things to choose like a kosher chicken, a big Stoffers vegetarian lasagna or a Tofurky. Yeah, no.
 We are trying to decide if we get the hotel turkey breast or the ham. I told them to get the ham because there is gonna be a shortage and we can cook it for Christmas. We can have roasted chickens for Thanksgiving. Nobody but me likes turkey so what is the sense. They are all trying to be nice to me. They say turkey is fine. We can have that. I will let them feel guilty. hehehe I can go downtown to a local chicken shop and get a nice turkey dinner any time I want.  Ham or turkey?

    Fred and I are going out to dinner with a friend of his from work. It seems that since this surgery came about, everyone wants to meet me or see me. It scares me sometimes. Why now all of a sudden? It is okay..I like going out to dinner. We are going to Vietnamese place across the bridge to have beef pho bowls. Really really BIG bowls of soup. We never finish but oh we try so hard. I think if we were younger, we could do it.  The great thing about this place is Fred and I can get two big bowls of soup, and some ice waters and the bill is less than $20. If we get drinks, it is about $25 (not including tip). We get to still enjoy eating out like we used to but not at the same level anymore.
 Spending $60 on dinner was nothing for us back when money was good. Now we save that for January. As you know, we go out to eat in January at one of the casinos to celebrate our birthdays and anniversary. Next year it will be 44 for me, 47 for him, and 20 years married..wow. I did not realize that! We will have been together 27 years in February.  Wow. 20 years married. That is a biggie, right? Traditional gift is China. Modern gift is Platinum. Yeah, well Fred and I do not have it to get either one. Wow. I need to think about this. You realize I just realized it is going to be 20 years..just now as I am writing this? I have to get him a special gift. Since we are not giving on Christmas, I can make it something good. :)

 I got to get moving here. I have three windows to cover today and I am a major slo poke. If you have drafty windows, think about putting up plastic window covers. It is not hard and all you need is the kit, scissors, step stool, and a hair dryer. It really makes a difference in the drafts. And you can put that seal strips stuff around the window cracks and around the doors too.

Have a great Thursday!

 

Fifteen days!

I like the devily ones on the end.

   I just realized that in 15 days, basically 2 weeks..I am going to have my surgery. I realized I had not said anything lately about how I have been feeling. It seems that the 2nd antibiotic did the trick. My right ear is still clogged but it is popping so that is good. I really feel craptastic though. I have been sleeping more in the mornings and I have been taking naps. The house is a pig sty and I am not getting much help except for Fred. Same old song and dance basically. What is going to be like when I really cannot do anything. That is what scares me!
 I need to make lists of things for Fred to do when I am out of it like pay the cable bill on this day. Pay the mortgage on this day. Do not over spend on groceries (which he will do the opposite of) and Hopefully everything will be fine.
 Lets hope it doesnt snow yet. I still have not bought any oil. I have a little bit more then a 1/4 of a tank. Thank goodness it has been on the warm side. I will try to put 50 gallons in before I go into the hospital.
  Too much to think about. I have so much to do and I just cannot do it and you know what? I FUCKING HATE IT!
 I will not even be able to cook Thanksgiving dinner this year. Fred will have to do it. I will have to leave him a list of shit to do for the day.
 I do not know how well I will be after surgery and how long recovery is and how long it will be until I can drive.
All I know is I am sick of having my brain fluid running down the back of my throat like today. I know that is why I feel like shit.
  Sorry. I am getting tired of being like a damn invalid.

Tonight I am cooking dinner though and hang around for trick or treaters if we get any.

15 days!

Some much storm, so little time

Hurricane of 1938 New London CT Harbor

This picture is from the aftermath of the 1938 hurricane that made landfall right here in my little city of New London. You can see the train tracks toward the top of the picture. It was a devastating storm. My parents lived in Boston at the time (they were kids) and they remembered it vividly. It was awful.
 Hurricane Sandy will be coming into our area probably Monday night. The weather forecasters and the meteorologists are giving me quite the headache. I think they are all owned and operated by Lowe`s and Home Depot. The storm has been downgraded. It will most likely be a tropical storm by the time it gets here. I am more of an alarmist when it comes to this shit but this storm is going to be like a strong Nor`easter. They got people flipping out thinking we are going to have sustained 70 mph winds for three days straight! That is not the case. I was reading one of our local news sources, Waterford Patch. They gave it to us straight and said they would not sensationalize the storm. It will be rainy, windy and crappy out. There may be some trees that go down and some pockets of power outages. I hope the good Lord it does not happen here cause I got a deep freezer full of food. Thankfully we have a food spoilage rider on our home insurance.
  We have some stuff that could fly away in a stiff breeze that I need to put away today and tomorrow. I have 2 cases of water bottles. I have flashlights and batteries. Emergency candles and $1 store holders. Matches and lighters. We have plenty of non perishable food. Hoping that a tree does not fall on our house and that we do not lose power. Those are two of my wishes for this storm. I have to scrub out both bathtubs today so that they will be clean when we fill them with water (for flushing) if we need it.

  Tomorrow is Natalie`s 19th birthday. This was her gift from her Daddy and I. Are we not the most Puritan of parents? *batting eyelashes*
She is wearing her heart on her sleeve. I was so freaking jealous! I want a new one! I just have those pesky bills to pay. Darn it all.
 She has a nice ice cream cake in the freezer and I am going to make vanilla cup cakes too. We had planned on going out but she wants to stay in because the storm is going to start up a bit on Sunday night. I am going to make Fred`s famous to us chicken wings, garlic mashed potatoes, and I have to get some string beans but my ass doesn't want to venture out to the store cause all the crazy hurricane people are out there. I will figure something out.

 As you can probably tell, I am feeling better about my situation. I am still freaked the fuck out but I cannot hold onto that sadness and gloom all the time. I am moving on. Hopefully I will get some good facts about my surgery on November 9th. The same morning after I see my surgeon, I go in for Pre admission testing and talk to them about making payment arrangements. Then the following week I go in for the surgery. I have had conflicting stories about what is going to happen. I think if my Dr and his PA tell me I will be in the hospital for one day, then I am not getting the kind of surgery that I suspected and was told about by others like me. Because they all were in the hospital for days and had a lumbar drain and shit. I cant be there for one day with a lumbar drain. And they do not send you home with that. So I do not know. That is when I decided to stop stressing and stop talking to those people that are trying to help you.  They were making me nuts!
   My double ear infection is doing better, I guess. I can hear more but right ear still feels like full of cotton. I just had a feeling like somebody stabbed me in the head with an ice pick but I think that is because of the storm that is coming our way. I will hug my bottle of Advil till it is over.





That is about it. We will be carving our pumpkins pretty soon and I will share pics of that. We were going to decorate outside but then the whole major storm of the century popped up so we decided against it. I have a shit load of Halloween candy upstairs in my closet. I wonder if we will get any kids at all this year. Oh well, I will hand some out to the mail man and the squatters down the street.

Why so many opinions?

   I have joined a couple online support groups dealing with my skull/ear/CSF issues. I wanted to know what was up with my surgery, what to expect before, during, and after. I am getting lots of help but sometimes I want to scream.  SHUT THE FUCK UP!! People think I can just fly off to this hospital or that hospital. They do not care that my ENT is one of the best surgeons AND he has been on those lists as one of the Best Doctors in America  and Best in the Metro area  many years running. They do not care that he works at Yale and that he taught this shit for many years.
   If I am not going to so and so OR so and so, I am putting my life into my own hands. They are making me more scared then before. My ENT is a really good Dr. I am confident with him.
 I just get strangers,who mean well, scaring the shit out of me. Oh god no! You need a neurologist to do the surgery! Oh! It is going to be bad if you do not get a certain caliber of Dr to do it.
Look! I know you all do not read here but I am going to spout off anyway. I really truly appreciate your help in every way. But every time you make a comment about how my Dr is probably not good enough and it will be MY mistake if I do not get a better one...I want to scream. I have never had skull surgery, okay. This is my first trip down this road. My ENT is the one that found the problems.
 These people that are trying to help me are making it harder for me. Oh! And those people that like to tell you that money should never be an issue when it comes to your health, Have money! Of course you can say that! You can afford to have 3rd and 4th opinions. I cannot. Every time I go to another Dr, it is another bill that I cannot afford. It is almost November and I have not even put heating oil in my tank yet let alone have the furnace cleaned. What does that tell you??
Shit!
 Can you tell I am stressing? I wanted help with finding out what was going to happen. I get that but then you get these people that like to be too helpful. They do not realize they are stressing me out more. God forbid I say anything to the contrary. They are being good and helping me out of the kindness of their hearts.

Fuck me!

 Okay, I have ranted. I do not feel completely better but I had to do that. I went to get some advice and support from people just like me. I got that in many ways but there was always the backhanded approach that I should be doing more for myself. I should be going to Boston or Maryland because that is where the best of the best are. I totally get that. If I had fluid money, I would do that. But I do not have it like that. I have to go where my insurance says I can go. He is probably my best option at this point...and that is not me talking shit about my Doctor. I like him a lot. He has a great bedside manner, he has been doing this a long time, and I have been told by a few local`s in the support group that I will be in good hands.  I just do not need another person telling me I need at least 4 opinions. I got a 2nd opinion. My neuro. He told me to get it done sooner rather then later.

My ears are still frigging clogged. I called my GP to see if they will give me another antibiotic to clear this shit up. I need to be well or relatively well before my surgery. Natalie and I are going to have lunch and then we are going to decorate outside for Halloween. Yeah, I said I wasn't gonna but I got suckered in at the last minute!
I think I want Five Guys for lunch!

Thanks for listening to me bitch. I just could not take another person telling me what I needed to do.

Halloween is coming!

I have not really decorated because I have felt so shitty. Today I realized that Halloween is coming in 9 days and Natalie`s 19th birthday will be in 7 days. She wants an ice cream cake and I will make cupcakes for those of us that want CAKE. She is getting a tattoo for her birthday present. Great Mom, huh? Shit, I wish I was getting the damn tat.
 Today I decided I am going to do a bit of decorating outside. I have some stuff I can use. I have lights. I have decor. It could look nice and understated. We decided that we are going to buy a couple bags of candy that we all like plus 5 large candy bars. If all we get are two or three kids, they will get the big bars.
 So today I will try NOT to bend over too much. I want to clean the front of the house just in case we do get trick or treaters. Plus it is gorgeous outside!
I see my surgeon on November 9th in the morning so that I can ask as many questions as I can so that I am fully informed. I do not want to go in there completely blind. I have read plenty online about how this surgery is done but what if he is doing something radically different? I want to know!
 So another trip to New Haven. No bakery this time. I have had enough for awhile. That is a treat and I am ruining by going there every time we go to New Haven lately.

Okay, gonna go out there and cut some shit down. You have a great Monday. It is a nice one out there!

Sleep! Sleep! Sleep!

I have not had a good night`s sleep in three days. I am on my fourth day on the zpack and the shit isnt working the way it should. I can tell that it did some good but it didnt give the push I need to get this bacteria out of my system. I am still relying on Advil to get me through a less painful day. Still in pain in my throat (better) and my right ear (ugh). I am tired of being in pain and not getting any sleep.

   In other news, My neurosurgeon and his partner will not do the surgery here. It is beyond their scope. Dr P said he has been a surgeon for 30 years and he has only seen a handful of cases like mine. He said I NEED to go back to my ENT surgeon at Yale and get the work done as soon as possible. The fact that the meningitis can put me one foot in the grave should have me running to call him.
 So I called the office and my surgery is re-scheduled for November 14. Fred made me do it. We do not have $1500 to pay the hospital. I think that is our deductible. Fred was told by the bitty that would not send a referral that I can make a payment plan at Yale. I can pay as little as $10 a month if that is all I can afford. I have not talked to them yet cause they have to get everything in their system to do it. I have a fear that they will not take a payment plan. They will want all the money up front. That will mean I wont get the surgery at all. Fred says he can get it from his job or he knows people that can give us the money, but I do not want to owe anyone any money. We do not have $1500. I cried all day yesterday over it. Tells me that I could die without the surgery but does not realize we do not have the money to pay them. No money no tickie.

I am sorry. I am just talking. I am not expecting any help so do not take this that way. If worse comes, I will have to delay the surgery until i can save up the money. I guess I could do that in a few months.

Hoping I get a better antibiotic and some sleep tonight.

Bacon`s cookin up in the pan

*265*
Bacon cooking and I am typing.....

  Last night was a weird night. I had my first ever mini panic attack while still awake. I think it is all the stress of what is going on with me. I just came downstairs, took an extra ativan and within the hour I was fine. I was feeling okay yesterday but I can tell today is not going to be as good. My eyes are a bit more blurry then usual, I have a head ache but in the front of my face if that can be considered a head ache. I can tell that this is going to be a high pressured/leaky head kind of day. Plus it is colder. I have no problem living in a house that is a bit nippy. I put on a sweater. But I have a couple prima donnas that think they are going to die if the temp in the house dips below 70. I pulled out one heater for the livingroom because we have company. I could pull out the one for the dining room but I KNOW that Chelsea will use it from now until April. She will take it from the spot where I put it to warm the whole room so that she can have it right next to her to keep her warm. It is a major pet peeve of mine. MAJOR! Makes my teeth click.

Milo and Ruby-Best Buds

Bacon done and in the warm oven...
  Even though I am not feeling too great today, I want to get something done around here. I THINK I am going to put some plastic on windows in the house this weekend. Most definitely in my room first. Then I want to cut down all the spent flowers out in the front of the house. Clean it all out, bag it and hope the garbage guys take them. They might not cause of budget cuts. I do not know if they changed the rules or not yet. Do not worry. I am not going to over do it. I may do one or two things and then collapse in the bed and watch more Supernatural. There are 8 season and I am only in the middle of Season 3. I have a long way to go.
  I know I have to be careful, because I notice that some activities make my nose drip or it goes down my throat. I can probably bet that it has gone down in my lungs and that is why I have this slight cough. Yup, shit is running down my throat as I type. Fucker!
So it is going to be one of those lazy Saturdays that shouldnt be. I should be doing stuff man. Not laying around the house watching tv. There is much to do. It is chilly! Time to clean the yard! Time to put plastic on the windows! It is time, man! I am trying to psych myself up. I think I can do my big assed window in my bedroom today. If I can do that, I will feel accomplished.
It is all about feeling like you did something. If all you did today was dust all the tables in the house, that is something! You were not a total bum. Sick or not, we all feel like we contributed in some way.

  I guess I should wrap this post up. Natalie just made scrambled eggs and toast. I am going to eat and then I am going to go upstairs and put that plastic on the window! I am determined.

Surgery date is set

Got his costume on

   We nailed down the surgery date today with the Doctor`s office. I go in for surgery on October 22, 2012. They do not know what time yet but hopefully first thing in the morning. I have to meet with the anesthesiologist next week and have a physical. Oh Joy! My head felt like it was in a vice all last night and today I had drippy nose and dripping down my throat.

 So this is going to happen. I will know more when it happens, I guess.
I made split pea soup and I am going to relax the rest of the day. I am tired. Natalie and I cleaned the fridge and she did laundry.
 My day is complete. That is all. :)

My brain needs a life jacket!

Not for the topic but I like it

I was a fucktard and looked up the cranial pressure thing that the ENT told me I had. It is a syndrome! The CSF is a symptom. I also have the blurred vision (on and off) that I thought meant I needed glasses. And I have the ringing in both my ears. So it is a safe bet that this is what I have. Now I have to worry about going fucking blind! Great. What the hell did I ever do to deserve this shit? Huh? Really! Did I kill babies in a past life or something cause I just do not get it. How strong do you expect me to be?? What IT is called is Intercranial hypertension. Yes, I went online and found this. I know some of you are gonna shake your head at me but you know what, I want to know. I have all the symptoms, right down to the beeeep that I hear in my ears. He told me that I probably have it but not in those words. Is there a box anyplace that I can crawl into now?

   You can take a diuretic for it (GREAT!), which will be my best bet. I guess they can find one that does not make me feel like mega shit all the time. Now just  guess what can put it into remission......Losing all the fat. Fat women are more prone to intercranial hypertension. Lose all the weight and it might go into remission. It works most of the time. There is a list on there of all the possible types of doctors you will see because of this. One of them is a bariatric dr. Am I actually going to have to get my stomach stapled?  Really? That was one thing I thought I would never ever do. There are also other nasty things they can do to treat this. I do not want to talk about those because it goes into my file of scary hurtful shit that I do not want to do. So unless this leak is just a fluke, it is a symptom of a larger problem that there is no cure for. I am going to hope there is a slim chance that I do not have this. I guess my haters will be happy, huh?
So there is no more dilly dalling around with this fatness. I have to lose it. The only caveat about the whole thing is most of us with this have a hard time exercising. I can walk with Fred and or Natalie. But I could not tolerate gym equipment until they get the pressure under control. Cause some days I feel good and then others like last night, I felt like my head was in a vice.

This is the first time in my life that I can truly say that I am fucked up in the head and mean it!

Wow, this shit is no joke. I cant cry yet because I am still in some sort of denial over the whole thing. Do not worry. It will show up eventually.

I took this lovely picture yesterday outside of the grocery store parking lot. Now I am not prone to doing this, that is why I cropped off his head. The rest is shame enough. It was Oct 6 and we had some Indian summer going on. I did not have a jacket on and I was wearing my flip flops. Rainbow and I went to get supplies for dinner and as we were ready to leave, this is what we gander. The dude was polishing his car in the parking lot like he was at home in his drive way. SMH. This morning it is 42 deg F. All the windows are closed and I am a bit cold without my sweater.

Fred and I have been asked to go out to dinner with his friend that is a Nurse Practitioner. She wants to finally meet me and talk to us about what i have in store for myself. We are going to a eatery called Plan B. I have to decide which burger I want to consume. I love me a blue cheese burger but I think I want to try something different. They have healthy options too like no bun for the burger (just on a bed of greens) and other things. I thought I would share that with you so you can drool with me.

Hope you have a nice Sunday. Stay warm!

 

Here comes the other shoe!

*I don't give a fuck!*

 I was talking with a friend about what has been going on with my inner ear/dizziness situation. I told her about two particular symptoms that I thought were weird. She yelled at me! Call the DOCTOR! So I did.
 Lately I have noticed that my pillow is a bit damp. A couple times I awoke to clear fluid pouring out of my right nostril. And the back of my throat is scratchy and I get this salty taste. Makes me think of saline. CALL THE DOCTOR. It could be a CSF leak. I am thinking it is probably not but what harm can it do to call my ENT to add this to the list. I call and the nurse calls back within the hour.
 My appointment and Cat Scan that were for October 19 have been pushed up to THIS Friday on October 5th. They did not want to delay but that was the only place they could fit me in short notice cause the Dr has surgeries.
WTF!
 Could it be? I am not ready for this. Really I am not. What happened to just talking about food and being fat and my lack of exercise?
Now shit is getting real and I am scared.